Stretching Memories

Oren told me that both Cana and Tarra had sent baskets. A cant of my head and a nod. For my family .. I was thankful.

My family. How possessive that sounded all the sudden. It had always been as close to a family as I had ever come .. but now it was even more of a desperate grasp that I wrapped around them. My .. family ... I tried to stuff it down in the great black hole that was deep inside of me. That deep black hole that seemed to be growing larger instead of shrinking.

Death .. it is a way of life. More so for us than some. The ways of the plains are dangerous and harsh. We live and breathe with death walking beside us.

blah blah blah

Death was no stranger to me. How many people had I hastened on their way to it myself? How many had I lost to it? How many had I watched loose to it? It was not that death was there yet again .. it was that ... it hit so close to me

...again.

Death does not make me want to stop living. I learned death a long time ago .. death however can still make me stop and question .. stop and introspect. Stop and miss my friend.

At first I was angry .. hurt ... with myself for not using the time since I had returned to cram together experience with my friend. I wanted to mourn the time I had not spent with him .. but then I knew that was not right. My time had been well spent with the business of living .. his time had been well spent doing the same and our friendship had not suffered because of that time. It had merely become suspended. I would simply stretch my memories of Pacu to cover all the times I might have missed. There were enough good memories to do that with and I guess .. in the end that is all that matters. Pacu and I had quality over quantity .. and there was plenty of those memories to go around if anyone needed some extra.

Right now I did not need to be so consumed with myself that I was not there for Oren .. Astar .. and the children. Was that not why I had set aside my command and pledged my time and energy? To be the strong one? The one that did not cave or move but held firm during this time? I would not lose my purpose in my own sorrow. I would be there to pick up the slack so that Pacu's family could feel their pain as they needed. Without it there would be no closure .. no healing. This was my place .. this was my chosen task.

And there was much to do indeed.