Little Shadows

I am not a grouch.

Of course as soon as Cana referred to me as having the capability to be one now and then I bristled all up and denied it .. thus proving her point.

huh

The evening was quiet and calm and the place was down by the stream. I had not expected to find anyone around .. my time there had been mostly alone since I had returned.

Cana introduced me to Seveya of the Artisans. She is very quiet .. perhaps a little shy. She does not speak much but I have the idea that she is more than she appears. That the waters run deep beneath the calm surface. I have no hard evidence of such .. for me it is simply an idea. She has the feeling of an omen. Undefined potential waiting for a specific time to be fulfilled. Perhaps it was the humor around her eyes. I do not know if she will be as a shooting star .. her time short and brilliant ... or if she is something more substantial.

Ba'atar and the new Year Keeper to the Main Fires showed up. Tayran bathed .. Ba'atar asked if I needed anything .. I assured him I had it handled. The extra time I had made all the difference.

Asria and Lei joined us .. it was becoming quite a group. I crouched down near the stream and toyed with the small stones that had gathered there .. simply letting them play through my fingers.

It was about that time I noticed I had a small Shadow. Lei. Many of my more obvious gestures were being imitated. She too crouched down near the stream and picked up the small stones. So I started making stacks of them .. balancing one upon another ... sorting them. She picked it up and as the adults spoke around her she made small mirrors of my own creations.

Ba'atar spoke to me and I gave him my full attention. He said that Also would not speak to him but had spoken to Lei .. and he wished to know what I thought about that.

huh

I told Ba'atar that Also had obviously found some kind of connection to Lei. That I had spent a little bit of time with the boy and I found him capable of speaking .. that he simply did not find a reason to do so very often. To me it made perfect sense .. I was not sure why it did not to Ba'atar.

Ba'atar said it was going to take away from his singing future .. I replied that perhaps Also would only sing what was important to him. Again .. seemed logical to me.

Ba'atar grunted and said that was not what he had wanted to hear.

Why is it always a surprise when I tell people something they do not want to hear .. I rarely say anything anyone really wants to hear.

Ba'atar told me that he had hoped that I would say that I would make Also speak to him. I said that .. perhaps I could but ... was that really what Ba'atar wanted? I was very curious at this point .. to the words and intent of the Ubar with Also.

Ba'atar seemed rather lost on the entire idea .. as if this were something that he could not have planned for and could not adjust the plans he did have to accommodate. He asked me .. what father would not want his son to speak to him? He said he wanted Also to sing but that he might have to accept that it would be Two who did so.

Lei had mastered the art of stacking so I began connecting stacks with balanced rocks between .. this was harder but she did not hesitate to attempt to follow me.

I said to Ba'atar that I could well understand a man wanting his son to speak to him .. to even follow his steps in the Clan and sing .. but that had not been my question ... my question had asked him specifically if he wanted me to make Also do these things.

He thought about it for some time .. he told me he was conflicted with his answer .. which to his credit ... was very honest. I asked him if he had listened to Also. He told me that they had a great time together throwing quiva at a slave .. that Also had a natural ability to hit what he aimed at even at this young age.

I was pleased to hear this .. I told Ba'atar that at least they had connected .. found a place where Also could succeed and Ba'atar could validate his identity as his son and as a Tuchuk male. This was important. Soon Also could be unbeatable with the quiva. A huge accomplishment. But Ba'atar said .. if he could not speak he could not wager.

I wondered then if I was wasting my time. Did he not see it? Did he not understand? Truly did he fail to realize what validation was all about? What love really was? I answered him rather short and precise.

Also can speak.

Ba'atar stated .. "just not to me."

That is when I realized we were not speaking of Also .. the entire time we were speaking about Ba'atar. What Ba'atar needed that Ba'atar was not getting. I wanted to lay my hands on him .. make him understand. I wanted to tell him he did not deserve Also .. but that was merely my temper. I shoved that darkness back where it belonged .. deep inside. But when Ba'atar would have shoved the entire thing aside and given his attention to the Artist .. I did speak again.

I told Ba'atar if he wished me to speak to the boy that I would .. but that I needed to know it was what he really wanted first. He gave me his attention one more time and asked me if there was some reason why he should not want the boy to talk.

I answered him .. that to want something .. and know it was a good thing to force ... were two very different things. Ba'atar said he wished the boy to speak but he would not force him .. that it was not natural to do so.

My temper disappeared completely at that point.. the relief easing from my shoulders with a slow exhale. I told Ba'atar that I thought his decision was wise and I saw him finding many reasons to be proud of Also even if they were not the original ideas he had formed for his First Son.

Lei informed me I fixed her wheel. I told her .. it had needed fixing. She replied .. that is why it needed fixing. I scratched my jaw and pondered deeply before I spoke again and told her .. I could see how it was ... now.

She told me her father had fixed all the wheels. I grinned inside myself and with every ounce of seriousness I told her some day I wanted to be as skilled as her father and perhaps next year ... I could do two wheels. She shared the secret to her father's success ...

"You have to work very hard and have lots to drink at night."

Sky grant me the strength of character to be the kind of man to deserve such as the least of these that I find worth more than anything I have ever tried to place value on .. and failed so miserably for their limits are beyond my grasp.

Do not let me fail them.