Separation Anxiety

I Am

I stand in the middle .. far above and far beneath. Here I am safe .. my strength is great and I can protect. I can breathe. Here I exist.

I Am

Yet now you course through my veins with razor's edge lancing my apathy and releasing all my carefully secured emotions and they bleed from me like scarlet tears ... crimson ribbons of intensity that fall away from me. I can not find a place to put them all ... I keep trying to scrape them up off the slick wet floor and put them back .. back where they belong. They are chaos .. and I am ... order.

I Am

Your Beautiful poison breaks from my skin like festering boils of desire and longing and I do not know what to do with the puss that leaks from my pours .. the empty feeling inside as the pressure flows and my flesh cools in a sensation I am lulled by ... soothed by .... addicted to .. even as I know how much it is changing who I am ... forever.

I Am

You can not understand. You can not know what it does to me to come down here .. where you are. The mortality weighs on my bones like slabs of stone. I am half the man .. I am weaker ... I am human. Do you not realize how long it took me to climb to where I was? In my attempts to find you? Where you lived up there .. above me. Only to realize that you .. have gone down there. Down there where the fetid air sucks out the marrow of my bones and I am cracked .. and broken.

I Am

I have followed you .. down there. Down here. And I can not breathe .. the tears of sorrow do not spread across my tongue in sadistically savored sweetness... they wet my cheeks and I succumb to the gut wrenching sobs that take who I am as a man and splatter it across the room in uncontrolled rage ... my abdominal muscles clenching on emptiness. The spasms strong enough to fracture my hollow skeleton.

I Am

What is it you see down here? What is it that draws you to these places of empty hope .. lost faith ... and forgotten love? How does Beauty belong here? How can you survive? I can not protect you here .. I am ... too weak. Here I am a mistake .. fallible. My wings clawed from my back so that I can not fly .. the earth bound misfit ... I fall in a spiral to once more feel my feet upon this cursed soil. I am marked and they remember me here .. and I am the Unforgiven. They seek me .. with cold and clammy fingers... for all I have done and they mean to take it in measure for my sins. And yet .. here you are ... among them. Why? Why do you fall so far .. for them.

I Am

I am the soldier .. I am the warrior. I am the Watchman ... I am .....

I Am

I have fought my way above. No peace. I have slaughtered and laid waste. I have taken victory from their mouths. I have taken and not given back. I have destroyed lives and scattered energies to be where I stand .. it was all done for you. All of it. All that I am .. for you .... all that

I Am

And yet you bring me back .. here. Why? Why do you subject me to such a cruel fate as this? Why do you break down my walls and breech what I have girded. Why do you infuse me with weakness .. when I am all that stands between you and certain death? Why have you reduced your champion to such depths of impotence? Why have you blinded your Watchman.. bound your guardian ... and set the coal to the lips of your arbiter? Am I not the one? The one who stood by you? Who sacrificed all that ..

I Am

If I could just have one suckle of breath .. before I forget what I worked so hard to attain. If I could just see clearly .. for a moment before it all goes black again. If I could just know peace .. before the cacophony screams for my attention. If I could just remember .. order ... before the chaos pulls me under and I give you all that ..

I Am

©2009 Written in Desperation to Understand .. Beauty