Belief .. Like Mist

I was in one of those moods. Not .. that ... mood. Just a general malaise that bordered on general annoyance .. and stopped in to visit general irritation occasionally without any invitation or warning.

Tarra found me sitting on the supply wagon steps and asked me how I was and if I was all right because she had not seen me around lately. I told her I was all right .. just in a bad mood. She asked me what brought me to that mood and I told her I would love to be able to blame it on people .. or on all the bosk shit lately ... but the truth was it was just a mood that came on me now and then for no apparent reason. Or excuse. I told her I tend to avoid people .. more than I used to ... when it rides me like that and I am so easily frustrated.

She told me she actually understood that .. then she asked me .. why more than usual. I told her .. after some thought ... because I learned. And of course she asked me what I had learned. I felt the tug at the corner of my mouth before I told her .. "To never trust a woman when she says she wants to know those parts of me."

She told me that some speak true when they spoke of wanting to know. I told her I had never met one that did. I told her that when they have said such to me they actually tend to mean that they want to make it better .. share it ... as if they intend to walk hand in hand with it on a starry night. I told Tarra .. that I did not mean to infer that they lied ... I actually surmised they believe what they are telling me.

She said some people believe it .. but when it comes to the reality of knowing more than just the lighter sides of life they can not handle it. She asked me then if she herself said she wished to know more of me .. including the less than pleasant aspects ... would I think she told the truth?

I replied that I did not know how to believe that.

She said she understood why I would say that .. but she wanted to know that even though she had some more volatile moments ... had I ever seen her give up on me or not speak to me?

I told her no .. I had not seen that from her. But neither had she been subjected to anything but my lighter side. I had not sought her out when I was not ... well.

She told me she did not expect me to believe her words given my experiences .. but that I should know enough about her that she would not tuck her tail and run in the face of a storm.

I told her no .. I had not seen her run from storms. But that still gave me no basis for the kind of belief she spoke of.

She told me she did understand .. and possibly understood more than I could realize. She had similar problems. I told her that did not surprise me .. she made sure I knew they were different. Which I added was rather a given.

She told me that she would show me hers if I showed her mine .. with a chuckle. And I asked her if she really thought the plains could handle that.

About that time Cana and others started to arrive at the fires and of course that last give and take between Tarra and I caused a bit of a stir and Cana got nervous about two Spex plotting and planning.

I have yet to finish that conversation with Tarra .. I have yet to speak more of belief ... or lack thereof. I am not sure what all I would say if we did continue the conversation. I do not have a lot to contribute about faith and belief and hope and such words as that.

I know I have aspects of them .. here and there as if in an explosion I accidentally got some on me. Shrapnel. As if I am merely collateral damage in the war that happened to someone else.

Belief .. like so many other ideas is nothing more than mist to me .. I can see it ... sometimes I can even smell it. But if I try to grasp it .. it eases through my fingers and fades quickly.