Walls .. Walls ... and More Walls

Asria brought up the idea that she wanted me to be there when her child was born. I was confused .. a little irritated. Anyone who knew me at all knew there was not a snowflake's chance in the Tahari. It just would not happen. I heard Cana say she wanted to be there to watch .. but I still was not catching on completely and I asked her what it was she wanted to .. watch. And she said Asria had this idea that I would be there ... and if I was then Cana wanted to be called so she could watch. Well I could understand that .. Cana was one of those who knew beyond a shadow of a doubt how I felt .. even if she was not completely aware of all the reasons or how they worked in my head. Even Tarra said it would be something she would like to witness. Like it was a thousand year bloom of a rare plains flower. Which .. I guess it would be that rare.

I tried to explain to Asria .. gently .. as gently as I could that I was not a Healer and I had no need to be there. She told me strait up that I needed to be there .. that she needed me to be there. I asked her why. She said something about it being important to her .. since Trayu was not there. That she just really wanted me to be around. Well I do not know about Trayu or how he feels about childbirth .. but I can sure explain me. I heard Cana exclaim .. why Asria would want a man to see her ... like that .... that was not her mate.

Even I do not see childbirth as sexual. At least I do not think so. I do not have a lot of experience to work with so .. I could be wrong I suppose. But if I had to hazard a weak guess ... I would think that sexuality would just be the farthest thing from my mind.

But I finally tried to explain to Asria .. without the previous gentleness perhaps but still in control and calm ... that I would not be there for my own child's birth. I saw no reason to be there for Trayu's. I got an .. "I see." Which usually means the exact opposite.

I told her I doubted that she saw at all .. but that at least she "knew" now.

The rest of the women preset wanted her to know she was not going to be alone ... that they and others would be there to help her. I know Asria was not worried about the help so much as the support. And the support she wanted was mine. As a man .. but I was not the man whose child this was. I knew I could not even do this for my own mate ... and Asria was not my woman. This was not my blood. But .. I must reiterate .. even if it was it would not have changed a damn thing. The wall is there .. for whatever reason ... and it is not moving easily. Certainly not just because it is brought up in front of everyone. Which Asria did apologize for .. for the public aspect of it.

Asria left abruptly then .. and Cana asked me if Asria knew how fortunate she was for not being confined to a wagon on the outer circle until she was .. done. I told Cana that obviously Asria was not aware of my personal opinions about such things. Though I think she is starting to get the picture. Cana felt bad for saying anything .. told me she had not meant to hurt her feelings. I think I am the one that hurt Asria's feelings. But Asria needs to understand that it is not about her .. it is not personal ... this is me take it or leave it. Cana said she was just protective of me .. and I had to laugh and ask her if she was planning on protecting me from childbirth. She surprised me by saying she would stand between me and anyone who thought to force me into that. I laughed .. but inside I felt a certain warmth of humanity. It was .. good to be understood. Even if the thought of Cana throwing herself into the fray to protect me ... painted a rather amusing chuckle. I told Cana I was not sure who she would be protecting more .. me ... or the woman. She said it was a little bit of both.

I can not seem to communicate with Asria on these things. I do not know why. She does not deal at all well with my walls and I actually respect that. I would never want her to know how to deal with walls. But .. being Tuchuk and being free and open and never satisfied with walls ... why is she trying to get to know me ... when that is all I am?