This is .. Love?

I am a man.

That being said I seem to be thinking about the differences .. between men and women ... a lot lately. Between the Love Wars and my own personal life .. I seem to be mulling over my own preferences .. my reasons for liking or disliking ... contemplating the way that fits with another person. What attracts me .. what obviously does not. What I seek and look for ... what may or may not inspire me.

And in this case .. the case of me ... thoughts like this with main lined introspection .. usually take a while. But eventually I will get around to fine tuning .. honing my own preferences until I have a relatively good idea.

In regards to Asria I have come to the conclusion that .. I do not like being treated as I have been. The punctuation on that sentence is audible.

I do not like being ignored .. I do not like people being there .. being willing to be in my presence ... and ignoring me. It hurts me. I do not like being hurt ... I tend to avoid it. I get very motivated to avoid it.

After the ludicrousness of defending Asria .. the way Asria was brought up and kept by Trayu ... to Cana Tarra and Kaeli ... when all I wished to do was vent about Asria and the way she treated me ... I shut down a little. I do not want to have to tell people all the good things about Asria when I am angry with her for hurting me. It was ironic and disturbing to my psyche. I want my friends to pat me on the head and tell me it is all going to be all right and to tend my little wounds and make me feel better ... not worse. I just wanted a cookie and a cup of milk .. not a philosophical discussion on the merits of independence and whether or not there is only one definition for independence or if the very essence of the word .. independence ... means being one's own and not conforming to the majority just because it is the majority. You can not make someone more independent by forcing them to conform. Independence .. the core of that ... is self defined. If Asria changed her mind about how she wished to define it .. that was different. If Cana and Tarra and Kaeli could convince her to think as they did ... that was different. But to force someone to believe in the definition ... was the epitome of waste. Why trim away what makes a person independent? To make them .. independent? Where is my cookie?

I did not want to talk about the pros and cons of preferences in men for women. I did not want to have to tell them that I find the way Asria was brought up attractive. That as a man I am drawn to a woman that needs me. Even for so simple a thing as to grease an axle. I did not want to have to expound on the fact that I look for ways that help define me as a man .. that make me feel important and needed and Asria does that. I did not want to have to remind them that just because I found that part of her attractive it did not mean I found them any less attractive. That I find many different women attractive for different reasons. I did not want to tell them all those things when Asria had done something else that negated all that and made it moot. And yet .. I had to because I will not be a hypocrite and I will not break the rules. Even when I think they are stupid and inconvenient and they ... hurt me.

That is the man that I am.

So it was a much more quiet mood .. a much more introspective mood ... a much kinder mood that Asria found me in the next morning.

Not that it helped any.

She approached me as I sat on the steps .. I have been learning to do things one handed again .. my arm at least has been released from the wrappings but I still am not using it much yet. She smiled .. it did not reach her eyes ... and she told me good morning. I told her Tal. She stated that I was upset with her yesterday. I asked her if she was telling me that or asking me? Was I supposed to comment on it or answer it?

"It wears me down how everything I say you turn around on me like that Fonce. You seemed very annoyed with me when I left yesterday. May I explain why I was so quiet?"

Everything she says I turn around? By asking her what she meant? What she sought by that from me? I felt defeated from that moment on. I felt .. just by being me I was wearing her down. I felt .. as I have felt with most everyone for my entire life. That I was not good for her. And in turn .. she was not good for me.

I tried to tell her that .. I tried to tell her she could tell me ... explain to me anything she wished but that if she kept telling me over and over and over again I was not good for her that .. I only knew one way to fix that.

I am tired of women telling me to stop .. being me. At some point .. I can not change any more .. at some point ... I can only be ... me.

She tried to tell me how upset she was .. how thoughts of Trayu had been on her mind ... I will not come in second to a ghost. Not for her or T'zuri or anyone else. She tired to tell me how terrible .. again ... it was that I switch guardianship. How I uprooted and made her feel vulnerable. Where was the trust .. where was that "love" she had spoken of? There was none. It did not exist. All that existed was the need to make me realize how bad I was .. while telling me not to feel bad. Asking me what had happened that made it so she could not talk to me.

huh

She told me that is why she did not speak to me at the stream. Because she saw I was happy and did not want to ruin it. I told her if that is what she saw she could just .. go away. Should .. go away. If she saw that another woman made me happier and that caused her to ignore me .. I did not want a damn thing to do with her. If that is how she problem solved .. she could fuck off. Better to know her defeatist attitude now .. better to know she would prefer to walk away from me than be motivated to make me happy ... now.

I told her to go away. I told her I would have no patience with her insecurities and doubts. I told her I spread those kinds of wounds open and pour salt in them. It was .. is ... what I do.

Instead of realizing I was teaching her something .. instead of listening to me. She asked me why I kept telling her she did not know me but when she tried to know me I did "this". I told her strait up .. "you should not treat me like you did yesterday". I asked what exactly I was not making clear .. what did she wish to know? I told her if "this" was a problem though she needed to be very clear on one thing ... "this ... was me. Is me. It is my identity .. it is what I do ... it is how I handle things. I told her it offended me she did not appreciate it more.

And then .. she really started to frustrate me.

She told me she did not want to ruin my day. She said .. "You were happy Fonce, even if.. your happiness is not at my side I still have no desire to take it from you."

Who taught her that boskshit? What complete moron ever gave her the idea that was .. all right? What romantic drivel has she been listening to? Does she really believe that is how it works in the real world? Does she really believe that is how it works with .. me? I have never heard anything so stupid in my entire life. And I have heard some stupid shit. Did she honestly for a moment think that I would be plied with such pathetic platitudes? That such a weak shortsighted passive aggressive statement would not infuriate me?

I told her to go away.

I told her if she thought I needed her to ignore me and drag Lei away from me for my own happiness .. she really needed to go away. To stay away. To stay as far away from me as possible.

Then she told me how unpleasant and mean I was.

me

unpleasant and mean

me?

Then ... then she tells me how much she wants to walk away but can not. How much she wishes to turn off how she feels but she can not. That she wants .. things. I told her I did not believe her. She makes no sense to me. She wants those things from me but she is more than willing to dangle them .. then jerk them away at any given moment for my own good? Ignoring me .. jerking Lei away from the stream .. from me ... because I made the mistake of looking happy.

Sky forgive me. I seem to have committed an unpardonable sin .. zot me now.

The Sky is silent

figures

I told her if she was not strong enough to make the decision to stay away from me .. I could make it for her. I was capable of making the hard decisions ... I am good at it. Remember?

She told me that is not what she wanted. That she was not leaving.

Why now? Why would she "not leave" yesterday? What changed? Why is it all right to plague me now .. and not yesterday? Because I was not looking particularly happy when she saw me sitting on the steps? Should I make sure I am not looking happy .. if I wish her to be there?

This is where I lost it. My brain was tied up in so many knots and I could no longer keep the angry hurt side from mixing up with the analytical logical side and it all swirled together .. and I lost my mind. I think it swirled counter clockwise and just .. vanished. There is a hole in the keg .. and the paga is all gone.

I love you Fonce so why are you not the man I want you to be?

huh

You are unpleasant and mean and why do you hurt me so much when all I do is love you for making me happy?

huh

If I see you happy that entitles me to hurt you and make you miserable and to take myself and anyone I control that I know you love and .. leave.

figures

I knew .. I was losing it. I knew .. in a distant kind of way ... that I needed to walk away. I told her .. if she wanted me to believe the parts she said about how much she liked .. or loved ... or wanted to be near me. She better fucking look happy the next time I saw her. I told her to have something good to say about me .. or just walk away. Stay away. I heard her tell me she would not do so. But I no longer believe her.

And if this is love .. I wash my hands of it.