I Have Not Found Love..Yet

Cana then pressed me for my own opinions .. turning the table so to speak. She asked me if I ever felt it. I told her no .. it was not something that I felt I had a real experience with. She asked me .. had I not ever wanted something that someone had? I told her .. that no ... not yet. That it evoked in me a desire for my own. My answer was much the same as Seveya's .. but I was not the one sporting the banner of having made any solid future like decisions. I did tell Cana that I had experienced anger .. anger at someone mistreating something I valued. Something that was there's ... that I valued ... that they showed no care of. That .. could indeed make me angry.

I told Cana that I would like to experience jealousy .. at least once. To want something so bad that I did not care if I was good for it or not .. if I was supposed to have it or not ... that I wanted it so bad there was no thought ... just desire. That I would do anything and everything in my power to attain it. Something I did not want anyone else to have .. ever. Something that would be so immature and foster so much chaos in me that I might act like an unnamed .. fresh cheeked boy and sacrifice myself on the alter of pure unadulterated desire. Something .. aside from vengence. Now THAT would be an experience. It was exciting to even think about it. I wonder what would inspire that kind of feeling and unbridled emotion in me. What could crack open that chest and spill the contents? What could cause that kind of mess? Well .. I figure love ... could ... would. It is my theory.

It is my theory that love is as powerful and as chaotic and as wonderful and terrible and painful and irrational as vengence. It is my theory that love can and would break all those rules I have and bring about actions in me I have only dreamed about .. or experienced for vengence. I have seen the one .. it is my theory that there is a balance to it. It is my theory that .. for one to exist the opposite and equal power must also exist.

But that is my theory.

Cana said everyone should drink of that bitter cup at least once so they knew they did not want it in their life. I told her I was not convinced yet that I did not want it in my life. I explained .. there is a difference in my head between experiencing it ..and what you do with it. To feel a fear of losing someone .. would be like a rare and expensive gift to me. I do not know what I would do with that fear .. I do not know if I would be mature with it. But I would give about anything at all to feel it. Just once. To feel it with the same power I knew it had.

Cana asked me .. had I not ever experienced loss? Of course I have .. I have experienced my share and then some of loss. She asked me .. had I not ever felt fear of loss? For some things .. yes ... for a woman? There have been pricks of it here and there .. but no. Not the kind of fear I was talking about. Not the kind of feeling and emotion I was referring to. Not the kind I wanted to experience ... at least once .... in my lifetime. The messy kind. The immature kind. The icky-sticky-help-me-god-I-can-not-get-it-off-me ... kind. Black nasty tar that is impervious to washing ... kind. Where you are rather sure it is going to kill you but you do not care ... kind.

I want to love like that .. and I want to be loved like that. I want someone to think they are the best thing for me and fight to prove it to me. I want them to fight me .. to prove it to me. I want them to fight the Sky .. to prove it to me. No patience .. no wisdom. No examples of maturity and rational thought. And I want to feel that for someone ... I want to love someone like that. I want to love them with the same kind of power that I hate the Sky. I want to be able to rage at them .. for them. I want to be able to break them open .. to find them. Without them leaving me because I am too brutal. I want them unsatisfied with my fractured attention span. I want them to demand my attention and get through the irritation and anger that will result from their interruption. I want to be able to hurt them worse than anyone in their entire life .. and I want them to know it is because I love them. That I will inexpertly dig into them until I get them all over my hands. That I will .. love them. And it will be messy .. and horrible. And probably the best thing I have ever felt .. because it will be deep and it will splatter all over me and through me and reach those desert places and become such a part of me that it not only flows through my veins but cuts them open from the inside ... I will bleed my love.

And so will she.

At least .. that is my theory.