In My Vain Attempts

You are gone today .. and I can not seem to find you. You have gone missing before but it never felt this way. Today I feel responsible. I feel .. that you are gone because of me.

At the same time I blame you for being gone. Being gone when I need you. I sound like I am two. Childish demands for comfort without any real connection to the realities of life. However .. it does not change the heat of my temper .. nor the tantrum building inside of me.

In my clumsy attempts to capture Beauty .. have I then marred the fragile and delicate natural substance that makes Beauty what it is? Should I have left Beauty to roam and flit .. without drawing this thing to me personally? Should I have continued to chase it through time and space careful never to touch this perfection? Should I have left it all as it was .. forever ... like a picture painted ... a frozen moment. Clear .. concise ... never growing or changing. Never maturing .. never touched by time.

Have I lost it all in my attempts to own this experience for myself? Has my selfish need become the bane of my desire? Or is it all simply my paranoia faced with a few brief moments without you here .. with me.

Is it all worth the way I feel right now? I do not like how I feel .. I do not like this pain of separation. Is it part of the experience? Is it part of reaching out to feel? Is it part of accepting emotions? Is it really .. worth it?

Where is the numbness I have grown so accustomed to? Where is the familiar poppy's draught of ease that sooths my waking moments and litters my dreams with color and depth. This clarity is too sharp .. too bright ... too real ... and without you it is too painful to face.

Once more I wrap myself in the shrouds of peace .. the quiet comforts of the Lethe as it laps with tender touch against the bank where I repose. All that was before this becomes like wraiths of memory that toil the current with no more connection to me than a barely remembered dream. Embalmed with spiritual design that purifies my needs until they are sterilized .. safe from my desire lest I seek to consummate ... to reach ... to attempt once more

...to capture Beauty.

©2009 Written in Search of .. Beauty