What Do You Want .. II

If you want an example of how to go from vague to specifically direct in one moment .. that was it ... right there.

If you want an example of how to sneak up on a man and suddenly reach your fingers through his ribs and sink your feminine nails into his heart .. that was it ... right there.

ow

So I took a deep breath and slowly scratched my jaw .. and replied ... "T'zuri? What about her?"

She said that she was rather sure that I had not been saying much about T'zuri because everyone seemed to be skipping over the subject. Well yes .. most were. She said T'zuri had been her friend and she missed her. I nodded .. told her so did I.

She said she knew I must be mad at how she had disappeared .. with not knowing the whys and hows and wheretos. That not knowing these can be overwhelming.

Mad? I told her no .. I was not mad. That sometimes I feel sad because I missed her. Had I not disappeared on her? Without word or reason offered? How could I be such a hypocrite? If this thing had taught me anything it was that the Sky gives and takes away.

She told me that anger was normal. That perhaps we were both wrong in how it came to pass but .. that it was still okay to be angry.

huh

Wrong? I could see nothing either one of us had done wrong. And I told her .. despite whether anger in the situation was wrong or right ... I still did not feel any. It just did not exist. Which .. was strange for me but something I would inspect later.

She said that was okay too.. that every person we come to care for leaves an empty spot when they leave.

I told her .. I filled the emptiness with memories of her .. that for now it was enough. Memories and the occasional slut .. but no I did not say that part.

huh

No anger .. and restraint ... I was on a roll.

She told me that memories were good .. but not to allow them to cloud what waited for me. I was confused .. I asked her what she meant? She said I should not use the memories as a crutch to keep me from life and living and from those that love me.

Why would I do that?

She said that memories could be a security .. safe. That they could not hurt me unless I let them. That I might use my memories to keep others away .. to avoid the chance of being hurt again.

huh

T'zuri did not hurt me. T'zuri made me a better man. I could not see her memory .. what she was to me ... with me ... as ever keeping me from living life .. in fact I saw them as giving me a better grip on doing just that.

That is when things got really confusing.

She told me what she was trying to say was not exactly literal in words. She said for example .. when Jerus died she was better .. and lived but she also kept herself away from certain parts of life. So I asked if she meant .. kept her away from men .. from moving on with another relationship. She nodded and said though it was not because she was afraid .. more being selective in her picking of what she allowed in.

I told her being selective did not sound like a bad thing to me .. sounded damned healthy in fact. She said not necessarily so .. what if she was not allowing the right one close enough to learn of her .. for her to learn of them?

I said that .. yes ... choices have a chance of being wrong.

She told me that her papa had told her .. that finding a mate for him was like crossing a great expanse and that each stone he stood on along the way taught him a little more .. brought him a little closer to his goal. I said I could see how his words made some sense.

She said her papa had told her to go for what she wanted. She said sometimes she was too afraid to do that .. and it was often because it would be brazen. I told her I had never really seen that fear in her. I have seen Silken do some things I would have beaten her to a bloody pulp for.

She said .. that she was afraid of being brazen right then ... I told her in this case it was a very healthy fear. That she did not know me well enough yet to define what she wanted from me. She disagreed .. so I asked Silken ... what do you want from me?

Why is it that nearly every time I ask a woman that they think it is a bad thing to want anything from me? Instantly she got defensive and wondered why I thought she wanted anything from me at all. Why is it that women can not just realize that it is not an attack when I ask that question? When is a woman just going to strait up answer me and let me know what in the hell they want from me. Fonce .. the man. Not the warrior .. not the commander ... me. And if she does not want anything? Well then move right along because just like every other human being I have ever met .. I want to be of value. I want to be of use. You have to make me feel as if I can do something .. something I can achieve that makes me a better person .. an accomplishment. My identity is tied to me making a difference. Not to mention I like to define relationships. Put people in places where I can identify them and relate to them as appropriate.

I finally got out of her that what she wanted from me was simply the chance to get to know me. Well that was easy enough. I told her it was not that hard to get to know me if she were serious enough to try.

Why do women have to be so complicated?

I returned to the herds with the entire conversation taking a backseat to the natural consequence of talking out loud about T'zuri ... her memory alive and breathing and strolling through the grasses of my thoughts.