There is a .. Wall There

It started out as a simple conversation. It quickly turned into a spar of words.

I came in to the fires for a cup of blackwine and to warm my hands. Finding Tarra there as well was a side benefit of circumstance I decided not to let slip away considering that I had half a mind to speak to her about the other night at the fires. The other half of my mind told me to think again about doing that .. but when she was there and I was there I ignored that half. Much to my detriment .. or hers ... could go either way at this point.

She said something to me that sparked my more intent focus ... she questioned herself. Her own viability for being a woman. I asked her to be honest with me .. that if she actually believed that there was no point in continuing the conversation. If she was just being passive aggressive and denouncing herself out of frustration and anger ... then there was a point to the conversation .. there was a chance for me to get through that layer and go deeper where she really did remember she believed in herself and her abilities. But if she really did believe that as a woman she did not have as much to offer then .. I was done and there was nothing more to say.

She gave me nothing to go on .. an answer that could go either way. So I pushed her .. I wanted to know. I wanted to know if it was possible to let her know she was indeed a viable Spex .. whether female or not. So I asked a her a "what if" question ... hypothetical. I wanted to show her that belief in herself was the most important .. key ingredient. Something I have heard her tell others so I never thought she would not understand it. That was my mistake.

She answered my original question .. about whether or not she really believed in herself .... by getting instantly defensive with me and telling me I knew nothing about her. That I had no right to question her. That when I bore the things she did ... then I could question her viability.

At this point it was obvious to me that things had gone very wrong in the conversation. That Tarra would never allow me to question her as a concerned friend. That she would only see it as an attack instead of someone concerned about her as a person .. as a Haruspex ... as a viable member of the First Wagons. I apologized to her .. I told her it was not my intention to tell her she was not important .. quite the contrary in fact. I gave her my word I would no longer question her on any level .. I have no desire to hurt her like that.

Instead of hearing my apology she took it as another attack. I could not connect with her at all .. everything I said was being taken wrong and making her more and more frustrated and angry. She even apologized to me for having human emotions .. which is ridiculous. It proved to me she has no idea who I am as a man .. let alone have a clue how much I respect her as another human being.

It was way passed time to call the conversation to an end. To walk away. Not because I am afraid to talk .. but because I have no desire for everything that comes out of my mouth to be taken wrong. To watch it confuse and hurt someone. Especially when the entire thing had been motivated out of concern for her. I just could not seem to get through the wall between us.

She left me a parting shot on the way and it did the job. Hit home and I finally felt that breath against the sleeping coals of my temper. Her accusations were wild and untrue and I finally got irritated.

It is not the first time I have met that wall with Tarra. And I am sure it will not be the last since I never do see it coming until it is much too late. But I did give her my word I would not question her in any way again ... and I meant that. As to whether or not Tarra and I will ever be friends .. I do not know. But even if we are not .. I will still respect her as a Haruspex .. as a member of the First Wagons.