What Chrysalis This?
My Heart
What waking moment
That tears me open, forced to breathe ...

Too Soon

Angst of Need
To save my whole
Oh bonny maid of visions past
Where in a dream
I laid upon a softened breast
Seduced there I did seem
To Remember

Too Soon

Inward I did fall
Upon a nightmare's song
Sharpened hooks with flesh embraced
In tune with making right a wrong
Saved by Death's whim
And I did Live ...

Too Soon

But to what end?
Judge not .. my heart
Nor its involvement .. or pain
Nor why in pieces found apart
I can not speak of love
Again ...

So Soon

For in that moment
I am born and fate is sealed
Blood to vein and breath to cell
Without the chance to heal
and I can tell ..

That I did Feel ...

Too Soon

©2009 Mine .. still ... more

A Moment of Succor

I left the pens still looking like death warmed over .. and then set out to cool again. I was wishing I had a drink of fresh water .. or a small cup of blackwine ... anything really. The morning had been successful and irritating at the same time and I was simply tired and grumpy ... hosting a myriad of hurt feelings and the world did not look any better through bleary eyes and faltering step.

I was passing Sahli and Jaella's wagon when she greeted me with a calm quiet smile and I nodded to her .. meaning only to acknowledge her greeting for I had no intention to stay in the frame of mind I was in. But she jumped up and brought me a bota of water that had been kept cool in the shade .. and the gesture was one I needed so badly.

It could have been the warmth of her smile .. the friendly welcome in her eyes ... the coolness of the water or even simply the inviting glow of the small fire. Perhaps it was all of it combined for I was hungry for such and I fell into a crouch near the coals.

She offered me left overs from the midday meal with Sahli and asked me if I wanted to talk about what was wrong or simply enjoy the quiet peace of their fires. My heart warmed to the gestures .. so simplistic and so vital.

The mention of the food made me realize that I had not eaten the day before or yet that day and I was hungry. The stew sounded perfect. It tasted even better for it was flavored with understanding and kindness. It warmed my stomach in a much more healthy way than the paga had and gave me some seriously needed fuel.

We spoke of Sahli .. and several of his voices. Which was good .. I did not want to speak of all my problems or irritations. It would have come out as a bile filled vent or at the least a lot of negative. This conversation though serious was light and between friends. It was of encouragement and acknowledgement and lacked any judgement or condemnation. Jaella needed to know she was making the right decisions for herself .. and for Sahli. I told her she was. I told her she was good for him .. that despite Sahli's natural need to protect her .. she belonged with him. That she gave him a reason not to give in to the manipulations going on inside of him.

I left Sahli's fires with a full stomach and a more peaceful frame of mind thanks to a friend who reached out a hand of kindness and succor despite her own trials and frustrations. Today Jaella renewed my belief in my Tribe Family.

Yew Too

So .. what does a half dead mostly drunk self pitying asshole recently disturbed from his Fine and Pleasant Misery do to repay the Fucking Bitch for her ill timed and pointedly positive interference with said Misery?

He gets her a kaiila.

It made sense at the time.

So I stumbled off towards the kaiila pens with just this goal in mind.

Cana was there .. Mezoo arrived soon after I did. The railings kept me standing upright for the most part.

Cana showed me the kaiila that Jaella rode back to the Harigga on .. the once Kassar kaiila. I liked him .. a lot. We spoke some about him before I told her what I was after .. get of Yew... preferably a filly. I knew she had Ducat ... this was supposed to be something different.

Cana cut two kaiila for me to see .. one was almost a yearling .. the other had not even been ringed yet. The second .. younger one ... took my interest instantly. A shitass of epic proportions. In the mood I was in .. it worked for me.

We settled on a price .. an interesting price. Then Cana asked me never to let the filly breed with Yew .. I tried to tell her that would not be a problem. I did not know for sure what happened to Yew but a few orders from an Oralu had been enough to find out for sure the beast did not exist in the Harigga.

There was talk with Mezoo .. who was looking for a beast but was not sure what she wished to settle on yet. Cana wondering how I wished the beast trained .. I told her it was for Seveya .. she just shrugged at me and told me that perhaps Seveya was the best judge. I am not sure why she was so distant and short with me. Perhaps it was the aroma of paga that was leaking out of every pore .. would not be the first woman to find that distasteful.

It was about then that Karvek showed up. He came to lean against the rail and while we bantered some about Holo and his ugly mangy offspring .. Cana asked Karvek about Yew. Now Karvek avoided telling Cana strait up what had happened to the kaiila but Cana was a shrewd sleen on a trail and was not going to be satisfied with anything but the truth .. the whole truth. Finally Karvek admitted to burning him on the pyre he had set for his niece.

I saw the blow hit Cana like a physical gut shot. I wanted to step to her side .. but it was not my place and it would have just started a bunch of shit with Karvek that would have made things more complicated then they needed to be. From the corner of my eye .. I saw Mezoo's hand rise ... as if reaching ... only to fall back. She had the same idea I think. I kept my eyes on Ciegue .. he told me more about where Cana was at than I could have learned by watching Cana herself.

I should not have worried. It did not take long for that protective righteous indignation to fire up in Cana and she lit into Karvek.

I started feeling sorry for Karvek. Not that he did not deserve her words but .. damn ... you just do not want to piss that woman off. Especially about her children or her kaiila ... it is just not a good idea at all and Karvek was just walking on into it like he did not see the storm clouds brewing.

damn

When Cana had said her piece and Karvek had walked off .. she came over by the rail and looked at me and cursed Karvek with a request. I told her I would see it was done. Surely the woman knew by now there was not much she could not ask of me.

Mezoo mistook my words for words of anger and hatred. I tried to tell her they were no such thing. I am not such a hypocrite. I understand Karvek .. if not completely I at least know I have done the same and worse for my own reasons and my own motivations. Though I at least retained most of my sanity. I do not like Karvek .. I do not believe he has much to offer the Tribe right now. I believe he has lost his mind and is dangerous to the Harigga and to the plains. But there is no hatred in me for him .. not even for what he did to Seveya ... have I not done worse? I tried to tell Mezoo these things .. to relieve her of the fear that I would allow hatred to mar the ebb and flow of energies around us ... but she gave me a single nod before she changed the subject and spoke to Cana about something I was not involved with.

I felt dismissed .. felt that flame of my temper getting fanned and I chose to step away before it grew into something that would cause me to say or do something I would regret later. The way I was feeling .. it would not have taken long for my temper to react. I left Mezoo and Cana to speak among themselves and I hoped Cana would find some peace of mind as soon as her own temper had a chance to cool.

I took with me the visual of Yew Too .. the shitass little filly. I could not wait to tell Seveya of her.

I wonder if she will recognize the resemblance between owner and beast.

The Theory of Everything

.. look at it ... this way

Is all that I am .. an everything?

Is all I have to offer .. anything?

The theory of everything .. is it quantum mechanics .. or relativity? Or is it somehow both? Is there a meeting of the very small and the very large where they combine to make matter as we know it? If we did not "know it" would matter exist at all or is it by rights only in existence because of our very conscious played out upon our tiny universe ... if so ... who "knew it" first. Who observed and thus created and formed and caused by mere observation the collective forms of life we have now? Who placed their fingers upon the strings and played the harmony of birth .. this frequency of life... for the first time? Was it merely an accident? A collision of two membranes in an eleventh dimension? Does that explain it all? This theory of .. everything?

As Tuchuk we are taught that we were formed from the rain.. birthed of the Sky. Why does the rain not create any more? Is it now .. millennia later merely a weaker version of the original? Is the power of creation leaking from our universe leaving us on a collision course with our own demise? Are we ingesting our weaker siblings to sustain our own life? The stronger twin reaching for survival at the expense of another and yet by doing so .. are we ensuring our own death?

How .. ironic.

And what .. you ask ... has me questioning my existence in this existential manner? This posing of myself upon the plains of theory and testing their calculations according to my own brain?

What happens when .. all that I am ... is not enough? When the theory of everything .. is equal to nothing?

you suck Fonce

Well in my case a man begins to ask himself the big questions. The bigger questions that are based on the smallest of questions. Theory of Everything Big meets Theory of Everything Small and .. where does Fonce fit in all of that?

I can do this all day.

However .. it is really getting me no closer to the answer I need .. to reach the outcome I prefer. And that ..

... is frustrating and needs paga.

It is rare .. when I drink. Last night ... I drank. A lot. Obviously. More than I can remember. Still was not enough to change anything. Was enough I forgot .. for a bit.

that helped

Hell .. I forgot my name and how to walk and how to talk and almost forgot how to take a piss .. but fortunately that came back to me .. when I needed it.

I was still passed out at the stream .. in a peaceful dreamless state ...otherwise known as unconscious .... when Seveya found me. At first I was pleased to see her .. the alcohol worked that well. Then .. she asked what we were celebrating and the night before started to flood into my conscious. Like a thick coagulated flood .. a slow flood ... one you could walk out in front of or simply step aside from and watch it pass.... eventually.

That kind of flood.

reality sucks

She was trying to talk to me .. and I was trying to listen but it was not yet sinking through the fog of intoxication ... I tried to get my fingers free of the bota strap that had somehow wound its way with serious intent about my hand.

that was fun

I finally asked her to repeat herself .. so I could try again ... to understand her. She asked me once more what we were celebrating .. and I had to tell her .. no .. I did not think this was a celebration. That did not sound right ... I was having trouble with the slow flood .. kicked it a few times to see if it was alive and if I could get a reaction from it.

good luck with that Fonce

I must have said something .. about putting it all away ... meaning my feelings and intentions .... because she started cleaning up my scattered paga skins which were in various stages of death and decay from the night before. Busy people make my psyche hurt on mornings such as this.. much like the light from the Central Fire ... which was intense and far to happy to be appreciated.

Somewhere .. in there ... I let it all spill free and I told her everything.

Everything I had meant to keep from her .. to spare her feelings.

Everything I had meant to keep from her ... to save my pride.

I blame it on the paga.

I desperately needed someone to understand. I desperately needed someone I could sound like I was two .. and rant and rave to ... without their judgement on me.

And she gave me that. She did not get defensive with me .. she did not tell me I was a bad person for being down or for not being enough ... she did not tell me to pull myself together and be a man and go do whatever it took to get Ayguili to give his consent. She took care of the little boy who was crying over his broken toy. She patched up my heart and gave me a cookie and told me a story and made me feel like ... it was all going to be all right no matter what the future held. No matter what the outcome .. not matter what I could do or could not do to fix it .. it was all going to be all right.

fucking bitch

Just made all the things I had decided .. all the ways I had pledged myself and my word to ... that much stronger.

damn her

I hate it when people do not let me drown in my own selfish puddle of woe and self-pity. I was really enjoying my Fine and Pleasant Misery.

fuck

Without Love ..

.. there is no key
there is no future
and what I feel
must be put away

.. knowing is not enough

Finally .. I found the Ubar. He was sitting by the stream with a host of paga skins surrounding him .. I asked him if he was celebrating or forgetting .. he said he was just drinking.

Well .. right on ... I was still all jacked up on my high and feeling the groove and .. happy.

figures

He offered me a bota and I took it .. dropping down to sit by the edge of the stream ... and then I just shot strait to the point. I told him I had set Mezoo's bride price AND I had come to ask for Seveya's.

There it was .. all wrapped up and tied off in a nice little package and I was grinning wickedly for I thought I had come up with the best bride price for Mezoo .. something that I thought was better than anything I had ever heard of before and would be so clear to everyone about how I felt about her and how much I valued her. It was part of my .. high.

Ayguili arched a brow at me .. like I was two. Was I still sporting my fresh cheeked excitement? I suppose I was .. then he said .. "I thought you told me you didn't love her."

Well yes .. I did. But what did that have to do with anything? Bride prices are not set by love .. they are set by standards of value and with a father's intent to care for his family. Both his daughter .. by finding a man capable of protecting her and providing for her ... and for his own family by extending their wealth by way of their daughter. Love is a nice bonus .. if it happens.

I was about to be set strait on my assumptions.

Ayguili asked me .. if that had changed. I told him .. no ... I could not speak of love but I could speak of my mind .. that it had been made and I knew what I wanted.

And here I expected Ayguili to be all as excited as I was about the fact that I .. knew ... what I wanted. Did he not understand what that was all about for me? what it meant .. to me? Had we not spoken of this?

"Now, let me get this straight, friend to friend. You have come to ask for a bride price, on my ward, that you do not love. That it?"

From his tone .. from his choice of words I began to get the idea I was not getting my point across very well .. and that I had somehow lost Ayguili. "Yes .. that is it."

He asked me if I knew what I was getting into. I told him yes .. probably better than he did himself. How many women had I been around .. with ... in different ways? But .. here .. now ... I knew.

I knew

But he did not get it .. did not get it at all. He told me what I felt was possessiveness and not love .. or caring. But had I not proven I cared for her more than anyone? Including him? What gave him the right to be self-righteous with me now? I was not trying to pass off what I felt as love .. I was not trying to hide anything or disguise what I felt as anything but what it was. But it was more than possessiveness .. it was more than a fleeting desire to have something that would fade or change. Did he not know me better than that? Was I not the one he relied on to be the Oralu .. Second in Command? Perhaps he was forgetting who I was again .. as he had before. Perhaps he was forgetting my loyalty .. my honor. Was that not .. all of it ... a part of me? A part of my decisions and .. since when did I do this lightly? How many woman had I done this with over the years? Had I not shown that I knew my own mind when I said I did?

I tried to explain it to him .. getting rather desperate for him to have some understanding. Not because I felt like I might die without getting what I wanted .. but because I was disappointed he did not understand me. Understand what I was saying .. giving ... what my word was worth. My word was worth more than any fleeting bullshit claim to love that was paraded before him so often ... lies of intent tripping off the tongues of those that forgot that intent months or years into it. And yet he still handed it out to them like it did not matter. This was different than that .. this was my word. This was not some claim to emotion that could and would fade ... this was bigger and stronger and held all my honor within it.

It was my .. word.

But it was not enough. This man who I am .. is not enough. I must have this silly emotion .. this thing I see defiled and full of shit so often. This fleeting feeling that people pick up and discard so easily at their convenience. I do not want this .. I do not want to be such a hypocrite .. I will not be. I will not claim to have this knowledge when I do not. I can not sacrifice my word to get what I want. I should not have to.

I tried to tell Ayguili that what I had found with Seveya was something I had not had in years ... thought I would never have again. Thought perhaps I did not deserve to have. But here it was .. and it was offered to me .. only me. I had to value that .. I had to hold it sacred ... sacred enough for my word.

But it was not enough.

Ayguili went on to tell me how I felt .. to define my motives to me. To tell me that his decision was to protect Seveya from my possessiveness. To make sure that where he had failed before with her .. he would not do so again. That he would give her only to someone who could love her.

And I was not that man.

He told me I needed time .. time to think and to know my mind. I told him respectfully that I had all ready taken that time. That I knew my mind and no amount of his words would change my mind or that it had been made. Ayguili just does not have that kind of power. However.. I had given Seveya back to him for a reason .. and that was for Seveya's protection .. even from me. And I told Ayguili that I would respect his decision. That I would not speak of the bride price again until I could speak of love.

And with that I pronounced the death sentence on the entire thing.

However .. Ayguili did not see it that way. He was pleased with it. Pleased with his decision .. pleased with my adherence to it. Pleased with his own understanding of the entire thing. Which he has a right to be. If he feels I am not good for Seveya? He is probably right and doing the right thing. I have to respect that.

It did not make it any easier to hear. It did not make it any easier to swallow .. that I am not good for her. That I do not care for her. That my word is not enough. That .. all that I am ... is not enough.

I have nothing more to offer.

I asked Ayguili to grant me one thing .. to not speak to Seveya of the fact that I had offered to pay her bride price. Not only to spare her feelings .. but to spare me my pride ... what was left of it.

Ayguili tried to lighten the mood .. but there was no way it was going to be lightened. I did not wish to speak to him any more. Especially of the silly notion .. the childish happiness I had felt. I would not drag it out and have it judged as well. I told him I would set a different bride price for Mezoo .. one that was normal and mature and had nothing to do with my happiness. One that fit the normal rules and traditions .. one that did not touch me. He agreed to that .. and that he wanted to speak to Oren and Astar and the family before he asked it of me .. so I had time.

I did not need time to be uncreative and boring. I will have the price when he is ready to ask it of me.

I left Ayguili .. I was disappointed and angry and heart broken. I had offered everything I have .. I had given my word ... and all that I am .. and all that I have .. is not enough. I was judged and found .. lacking. I was sorry for myself .. I was petulant and ... two. I did not know what to do .. how do I take all that I am and see it from his eyes? How do I accept that who I am as a man .. who I have become ... is worthless. How do I admit that .. to Seveya? How do I tell her that .. I did not throw everything between us away? And how do I not tell her that I asked for her bride price and I was refused because I do not care enough? That my word is useless when it comes to her future and how much I will care and provide for her? How easy it would be to allow that word to fall off my tongue as others do. And yet .. I can not.

I can not be so false.

Everything I have found .. everything I have learned to feel ... I must put away. I must deny and pretend as if it does not exist. I must forget .. and move on and allow her to move on and find this love with a man capable of offering it to her. Perhaps Ayguili is right. I would only break her heart. Perhaps he is correct and all I want to do is possess her and I care nothing for her .. only my will to own her.

But that is not true .. I did own her. I did possess her and I gave her up for her own good. For the good of Ayguili who needed to prove to himself and those around him he could be a better guardian. I had given her back to give everyone a chance to prove themselves passed their own mistakes .. and I was the one being judged? I was the one that was .. not enough?

What the fuck?

I was being two again.

Back and forth .. accusatory and defensive ... it went on the rest of the night and I finally went for the paga simply for the soul purpose of drowning out the argument in my own head.

And Sahli thought he had issues.

The Voices of Sahli

Conversations with Sahli can be interesting. If you can keep up with who is who .. otherwise they are rather confusing. Now .. as I said before ... I do not "do" spirits. And yet that is what seems to inhabit .. Sahli. I do not know if they are actually spirits of dead people .. people who were once real. Or if they are pieces of Sahli .. fractured and groomed to be of different uses for different needs. It would not be the first time I have had a conversation with someone who had different "inhabitants". I talk to such a person as I would any other person .. I just have more conversations within that conversation. It does no good to tell someone that they do not exist save in the imagination of a host personality. I mean .. honestly ... if I said that to you .. would you believe me? Of course not .. to you .. you are an entirety .. a singular being with self awareness. It is no different even when it is a fractured piece.

Even if that fractured piece is aware of the fact that there are others .. it does no good to deny existence.

Like .. denying the existence of feelings. Even when they are inappropriate and built on a lie .. something that never even existed like a misunderstanding .. they still ... exist. It does nothing functional to tell someone what they feel is not real. You have to acknowledge the feeling before you can get to the logical reality that what they feel should never have been felt because what they thought happened .. never happened.

Now if I just confused you .. I would not suggest having a conversation with Sahli. But if you actually followed me through all that .. you might stand a chance of having a conversation and coming out on the other side with your brain still intact.

Now .. I am a man at war with himself. But at least my selves know that to be functional .. there are rules. Sahli's .. inhabitants ... are not very respectful of the rules and that is not always good for Sahli. I tried to tell a couple of them that if they did not learn to be functional they were going to blow out their host and .. then what? It can not be that easy to possess because if it was .. well then we would all have a plethora of voices because I think that is what a spirit misses most .. a tongue.

Now in the middle of that .. piece of advice ... to the pieces ... Sahli said something to me that caught my attention. In the middle of naming off people who were not "like this" .. he said .. "Tao.. is not like this.. Only me." Well.. what did Sahli know of Tao? They were both drummers .. but ... did I need to get involved? I let it go .. but I had to wonder if Tao was up to his shitass tricks and if he had been messing with Sahli.

would figure

Then .. he started in on T'zuri. Now I figure it was to get me all wound up and in fact it did a number on me .. but I would never have let him know that. Would not do anyone any good to let it get to me .. in any way that could be seen or known. But someone in Sahli handled it before I had to and .. well ... with that he also ended the conversation. A very protective entity this .. and I could appreciate it. If there is such a strong one within Sahli who also will protect Sahli .. Sahli stands a chance of coming out on the other side. Now .. I know some tips and tricks and I know some ways to help Sahli but .. as I told Jaella ... it will have to be Sahli's idea and Sahli will have to ask me. I can not help Sahli despite Sahli .. I can only help Sahli if Sahli helps me help him.

All in all it was an interesting little sideline of conversation .. on my way to find the Ubar ... but it did not deter me or cause my intent to waiver at all and when I finally reached the Main Fires and I was finally told that Ayguili was seen last heading towards the stream .. I had a destination and there was nothing that was going to waylay me again.

Mezoo!! I Know..

To know .. it is a thing most powerful to me. A gift. A thing I value when it happens to me. Despite all the wicked cruel things it means in entirety .. just the ability for me to know is something I hold precious.

I was excited .. when I left Seveya. I had intent .. though I stopped long enough at the stream to bathe myself and I was in the process of walking towards the Main Fires when I came across Mezoo. I stopped to speak to her .. actually she got my attention by commenting on the fact it had been a long time since she heard me sing. I dawned on me that I was indeed .. singing. A low toned song I have sung many times for the bosk while riding nights.

I must have been wearing my expressions .. for she saw them ... recognized them for at least their feel if not their source. She told me she was on her way to see grandmother though .. she admitted to being a little intrigued by my appearance .. and I know she did not mean the fact that I was wet and braiding my hair. She meant something else entirely.

I told her that it was good she was on her way to see Oren for .. Oren had been chewing off Ayguili's ear about missing Mezoo. She said it had been about a hand since she saw Ayguili .. and she had a list of people who she needed to make contact with. She said Pacu had led her to believe that not all was well between her and Oren and that perhaps some space was in order. Well that shocked the shit right out of me .. I told her that I was not sure what Pacu was up to or had in his brain but I could tell her for sure that all was well with her in Oren's eyes .. and Ayguili's as well ... and I said that with a slow wide grin.

I told her that Ayguili had charmed Oren in a way I was jealous and envious of and that the man had found a place in her heart that I had seen few do. She admitted she was on her way to see Oren and the family despite everything Pacu had said anyway .. and then she said ... "But you .. look at you. You are braiding your hair, you sing, you have even bathed."

I was wounded .. "Hey .. I bathe!"

She asked me if I would share with her .. what it was all about or if I was in a hurry to go somewhere ... I played innocent and asked her .. what ... I was supposed to share?

She pronounced it must be going to remain a mystery .. and that at least she had shared her's all over when she had it. I asked her then .. seriously ... if she actually wished to know. If it was not just politeness .. her query.

It was her turn to look wounded and she wanted to know if after all these years if I had not learned she wished to know both my sorrows and my joys .. that she cared about me.

I told her it was not easy for me to share .. either one. She told me she was patient .. she has to be because I am a slow learner. She was still talking .. about that ... when I told her...

... I know.

I could not think of a better way to say it .. for me that summed it all up.

She missed it though .. so I said it again ... a little more urgently.

I know.

And then she surprised me .. she gathered me up in a hug and kissed my cheek.

well damn

I guess she .. understands.

So I gathered her up in my arms and picked her feet up off the ground and she smacked me on my chest .. I set her down with a chuckle and she said to me .. "It is a wonderful feeling .. isn't it?"

I answered .. it was certainly a different feeling. A feeling that I want to explore and at the same time I am not sure I want to explore it at all.

She told me I did .. indeed ... wish to explore it that it was written all over my expression and it seeped from my pores and exhaled in the sound of music.

I grunted.

She patted me on the arm and asked me .. if I could think of a good reason not to explore it?

I told her .. not yet but that knowing me ... I was sure I would come up with something.

I admitted I had not told Oren yet .. and I did not intend to ... not yet. She warned me Oren would come after me and make me herd verr in punishment. I had to chuckle .. but I told her I could not and if I was wearing it so easily visible than I was going to even avoid her for the next few days. I just wanted to do it when it was time .. when the time was right. She understood.

I told her I needed to speak to Ayguili .. first. Then I would come and speak to her about it. And then .. I let her know ... I had set her bride price.

Amusement danced in my gaze .. I was busting out with it. Pride and .. this feeling I can not exactly define yet. I was excited .. like a wet behind the ears unscarred boy who just earned his name and wants to shout it all over the Harigga and hear it from a million Tuchuk voices .. hear it grace the tongues of Elders who I have looked up to for years .. just for that day. That is what it was like .. for me.

She asked me .. if I was sure .. he would be accepting of what I wanted. I brushed it aside .. how easy I look back on that now and curse her for being the Spex she is. Curse myself for not realizing her tongue was full of omens ... her words were portents. I told her .. I was sure. Was I not? Was I not sure he knew more than any man alive how much I was willing to respect and protect Seveya? Even from him? Even from Karvek? What more could a guardian ask for? That I would provide and protect even better than he himself had done. What more? No I was sure Ayguili would be as excited as I was .. because ... I knew. And according to Mezoo it was written all over me. There was no secret .. surely I would not even have to explain it. I was riding high on a cloud that was destined to be evaporated by lightning.

figures

In my blissful ignorance of her omen I excitedly told Mezoo that the price had set for her was high .. the highest price I could think of ... priceless in fact. And I chuckled .. chuckled with a happiness that I despise now .. that I abhor ... and I curse. How naive and pitiful was my happiness .. how pathetic and weak .. how shortsighted and worthless.

But in that moment .. there was no knowledge of that. There was only this bliss .. this happiness. There was only what I felt and what I .. knew ... and there was more. Mezoo saw it and understood it and in that also there was a blessing to me. I felt .. understood. It only served to set me up higher .. so that my fall would hurt worse.

fucking figures

The Cruelest Cut of All

Lights go down, it's dark
The jungle is your head
Can't rule your heart
a feeling so much stronger than
a thought
Your eyes are wide
And though your soul
It can't be bought
Your mind can wander

Hello, Hello
I'm at a place called Vertigo
It's everything I wish I didn't know
Except you give me something i can feel ..

Feel

-U2

Touched me .. it sounds so benign. It is not a touch at all .. it is more like a cut .. a slice ... a deep wound that threatens the heart of me. Yes I have a heart .. yes it can be hurt. And yes I am aware of what hurts my heart and when it is hurt.

And that .. fucking hurts.

The kind of hurt you can not wash away .. or get off ... it sticks there lingering and festering and changing who I am .. forever.

Love .. it is the cruelest cut of all.

I wear the scars of it .. I bear the marks of it. I have been touched by it. Though I can not believe this thing lives within me as something of me. I bear the design of it upon my soul and I can not scrape or cut it away. If I have the capability of this thing .. this love ... it is beyond my understanding that I do. I believe it exists .. as a counterpart to who I am inside. I believe it is my most beloved of enemies. My most respected opponent. It is rare that it gets passed my defenses .. but lately I have been attacked and wounded twice.

Perhaps I am getting old.

Is it what draws me to Seveya? That she holds this thing? This love?

no

No .. if you believe that ... you do not know me well. No .. that is not it at all. In fact it is a perfect reason for me to avoid the hell out of her. I do not like to be hurt. I do not like to feel the slip of blade beneath my defenses .. when it sinks deep into my flesh with a squelching sound ... when I know it has sunk into my very core ... and I know the mark will remain even after the wound heals. I am not this emotional masochist .. despite the respect I have for my enemy and the fact I will not run ... it does not mean I seek the battles.

There are many women with faith and hope and love .. women that hold those heights and breadths within them. Who have the capacity to touch others with it .. to leave their marks ... their scars. So no .. that is not what draws me to Seveya.

My attraction is much more selfishly driven .. simplistic in its monstrosity. Beautiful .. as a single celled organism .. a parasite with primordial hungers and desires that are pure and undefiled by higher thinking humanity. I seek that which I do not have .. I feed from that which offers me survival.

She makes me feel. I can feel her. She impacts me. I am addicted ... I ingest it like the desert sand soaks up a brief rain shower. It is something I will seek .. it is something I will kill for. It is something I will destroy to obtain. It is something I have destroyed to possess. I tried to tell her .. to make her understand ... what it is ... to me. How it works .. for me. That there is nothing sacred that I hold above it. That there are no laws .. when it comes to that.. no loyalty ... no honor. That all those carefully crafted and maintained rules I have made ... I will break every single one of them in the name of this thing. That she is not safe from me .. nothing she has or can give to me is safe from my desire for it. That I will walk through .. burn through ... and tear down anything that gets in the way of it.

I told her I have done as much as Karvek .. and worse ... for less.

I think that is when it started to dawn on her .. what I was trying to say. What I was trying to convey to her. What I was trying to warn her about. I know .. because she told me something ... something that gives me the knowledge she has been touched by this thing in me. And I have left my mark on her .. and it is not a pretty mark. It is not about love or faith or belief ... it is ugly and dangerous and dark and it is selfish and it is jealous and it is base and vile and horrific in its intentions.

But .. it is me. It is something I am inside. It is something that is a part of me. It is something that I harbor and something that I protect as much as it protects me. Even when we threaten to demolish each other.. I am a man at war with himself. She must understand that .. about me.

I think she does .. now.

But she still did not run away from me. Even after she knew what I was capable of .. even after I admitted that .. for this thing .... I have been a far worse man than Karvek ever was to her. That I have done .. more horrific things to someone in its name. And that I will do so .. again ... for it. I warned her that my attraction for it is sexually driven. I do not know how it works for Karvek .. but for me ... it is sexual. That I will and have used sex to obtain it .. as a means of power and control. That her sensibilities will not matter to me .. her body .. her mind ... her spirit will hold no sway over me and I will destroy one or all to hold this thing in my hand and taste it ... ingest it. I gave her an out .. even while admitting I was not sure the "out" was serious and true ... because I all ready knew ... too much. I had all ready ... felt. Perhaps it was too late .. I still tried to save her.

But she would have none of my saving .. she would have none of my warnings ... she still walked into me and laid her sticky black tar on my heart and damn her for that. Damn her for not listening .. damn her for understanding ... damn her for not running away and begging Ayguili to protect her from me.

And yet .. would it have mattered if she did? I do not know .. perhaps not. Perhaps it would not have done anything to save her at all because it is too late .. too late because ..

... I know.

Full .. of it

Today I learned a lot about the woman .. Seveya. Today I learned about her wants and desires and ambitions. I learned she does not want to be a slave .. but that she was willing to give up her wants for me. She does not understand .. what it is to be a slave. I know that now. I knew it then .. but there was a part of me that wanted to accept what she gave me for several reasons. Not the least of them being .. because it was easy. Because it was comfortable. Because it meant I did not need to understand it or give it my concentration .. it would no longer be a problem to figure out. I would just be able to accept it and go from there. She would not threaten me .. my comfort. I could shove her into the slave wagon if I got claustrophobic and be done with it. Keep her on my terms .. allow what I wanted when I wanted and only what I wanted. She could make no demands on me .. for anything.

And there is something to that .. when a man is comfortable he allows things he normally might not. Allows glimpses .. intimacies. A slave knows things about a man that perhaps no one else does. I can see how that is attractive to a woman that wants to have .. everything ... from a man. And who is willing to offer .. everything ... to get it.

But today she admitted to me .. who she really is beneath it all. Without the fear of loss ... without the desire for ... everything. Stripped of all that .. she is a free woman .. a Tuchuk free woman. Spirited and strong .. strong enough to submit .. and honest enough to learn that is not where she belongs. A woman who learns .. who is honest enough to admit she can learn from her mistakes without defending them to the death because she is afraid to look bad. I like that. There is hope there. I must value hope when I am fortunate to come across it.

Today she gave me her word she would never again sacrifice herself. Who she is .. for me or anyone else. Today she gave me her promise to preserve that part of her .. no matter what. That setting aside who she was as a free woman to get something she is afraid she might lose otherwise .. is not the answer. That I would not be worth that sacrifice if I ever asked for it .. or accepted it.

There was a comfort .. for me ... in her promise .... I know my own capability to ask for things I should not.

I must value that I can talk to her .. and figure out how to understand her. That I do not rage at her .. much ... yet. I am sure that will come .. it always does. That is the only thing that holds me back .. reins me in... a little. My capacity for abuse .. my tendency to defile that which I need the most. Today I learned that I would .. defile her. Today I learned that I most likely will .. if she is not careful... perhaps even if she is. That she is someone who can and does inspire things in me that I am not proud of. That I am afraid of .. afraid of because of the power there. I respect it like I do a warrior who has bested me in battle .. bested me ... but I am still alive and he is still planning on killing me and I can either run away or pick up my lance and figure it out.

I am not running away.

Today I learned that Seveya is full of belief .. and hope ... and love. That she has all those things that sift through my fingers like grains of sand. Full of that black sticky tar that stains whatever it touches and leaves a mark behind that can not be washed away no matter how much I scrub at it. No matter how much I rage at it and try to destroy it .. it exists with a power that is beyond my own to tear it down. Her depth is beyond my comprehension. Her capacity is beyond my ability to measure. I weep for its beauty even while my fingers dig and tear into its flesh in my destructive attempts to understand and know it .. and prove it to be fallible .. and mortal.

Today .. despite the wounds I tore into her ... she stood steady and calm. Today despite the threats .. despite the dawning of her understanding of what I am capable of ... she moved towards me. She saw a flicker .. a glimpse ... of the heights and breadths and depths I will go to. And she still touched me.

Touched me with this thing I call ... love.

Scarlet Kiss

I knew it was not going to be easy explaining the amalgamation of the brush to Seveya. And I felt bad .. responsible ... that I had been so careless. It just had not occurred to me that the two symbols would attract to each other has hard as they had. But what was done was done and there was not much I could do about it now .. so the next step was to take the thing to her and attempt to explain myself as best I could and take whatever consequences came with it.

I found her by the kaiila pens .. leaning against the railing and watching the kaiila. With a hunter's step I came up behind and I placed my hands on the rail to either side of her and said her name in her ear .. at the same time bracing for the surprised elbow that I figured would find a home against my ribs. But she caught herself at the last moment and instead turned within my arms to hug me.

I am not sure why .. or how ... but I felt her. For the first time I felt the impact of her .. energy ... life force. It is not often that I can feel someone but when I do it is very intense and .. attractive. But I was also concerned .. what had happened? Had she been injured again? Had something happened to her heart? Her mind? It was not just a flicker .. it was a full blast against me and I needed to know why.

She answered that .. she had killed someone. It was her fault .. he was dead.

figures

I started making plans to accommodate for such a thing .. Fonce in laundry mode. I asked her where the body was.

Then she attempted to explain .. that Yew was dead and Karvek was lording that over her with great pleasure.

huh

That repainted the picture I was getting .. quite a bit. I asked her if she had found him .. she said not yet but she would leave to do so. She was crying now and .. that was just making everything a little harder to catch up on and understand.

Long of it was complicated and took a few false starts before we got anywhere .. short of it was she decided that knowing for sure what had happened to Yew was not as important as remembering him the way she knew him .. running across the plains with the wind.

Once that was decided I asked her if we could speak of something else for a moment. I really was trying to be sensitive about Yew .. I knew he was important to her ... but there was another burden on my shoulders and I could not help but wish it to be cleared up ... one way or the other. I expected her to be upset and even angry with me. But I did not have a lot of investment in the result .. I simply wanted to clear my conscience .. I would take what might come as natural.

I had wrapped the brush in a white cloth before shoving it into my vest pocket .. by the time I retrieved it to give it to her the thing had bled through leaving a scarlet stain. I told her what had happened .. I told her about the vulo and how it had escaped my hands once I had pulled it from my dream. How the two had .. connected ... and were now one. I told her I did not know what that would mean or how it had changed the brush .. only that it had. That I could not stop the brush from .. bleeding.

She explained to me it bled the color she would have painted with it .. that it was meant to be. I am not sure about that .. that it was "meant to be". I do not have a lot of faith .. let alone faith in destiny and fate. They are not predictable and rarely work in my favor. But at least she was not angry with me .. she took it well ... considering. I was thankful for that. Thankful that she was not disappointed as I had expected her to be. I had not wished to add any more loss onto her ... she had suffered too much all ready. Some might argue it was her own doing and I suppose it was .. but the moment I start judging anyone for their mistakes I usually get judged even more harshly so I was reserving any such thing at the moment. Besides .. how could I truly fault someone for trying to find me so hard .. when that is something I need so badly?

Perhaps that is why I kissed her. Because she found me .. because I felt her find me. I do not know. I know that I did though .. and I kissed her hard enough to break the seam of her lip loose from the hold of the stitches ... the click of our teeth a herald for the exploration of her mouth. The heavy-sweet metallic taste spread over my tongue before I realized what I had done and leaned back .. examining her lip to make sure I did not tear a stitch completely away. But it was a small break and it would heal over again. Relieved .. I wanted one more taste of her before I let her go. At first I was concerned she would be shocked .. embarrassed ... perhaps even disgusted by the gesture. But she was not .. and I knew she was not because ... I could feel her. Feel the ebb and flow .. the rush of emotions like a life pulse that throbbed through her entire body ... leaking energy from every pore. It is a thing .. intoxicating ... to me. Something I have experienced only a few times in my life. Certainly something I find great value in. Something that makes me feel alive .. makes me feel ... real.

The brush? I do not know what will come of the brush now. I do not know what it is meant for .. if anything at all. I know I am responsible for the change .. whether good or bad. Perhaps she is right and the destiny of the brush can not be swayed by such an insignificant thing as the carelessness of a human. Perhaps she is correct and the brush will fulfill itself despite me .. or anyone or anything. Her belief and faith is something that I am drawn to .. it heals a little of my soul in contact. I do not know what that means.

One thing I do know .. the brush is back where it belongs ... in the hands of the Artist.

And in turn .. I envy the brush ... and the knowledge of where it belongs.

Ode To A Nightingale

"Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient day by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charmed magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn."

-Keats

There were two Elders who joined me at the fire that night. The first was there to share a fine Turian liqueur with me. The second .. I am not sure why he was there. Perhaps there are fewer Haruspex who call up the spirits now days and perhaps .. he was lonely for someone to remember his name and to ask him of old days and when he heard the call .. he simply showed up.

The first was a tall slender feminine figure .. all black with arms like slender branches. Her eyes were green with yellow specks. She came to me from the tem forests .. I was appreciative. She settled across the fire from me letting her feet sink deep into the rick soil .. wary of the flames but she knew what the fire was built of and fueled by and knew I would never have disrespected her with anything else. She rustled when she moved .. like a fine lady. A lady trained to make just such sounds when she moved.

The second was a hoary old man with wet mossy hair of gray and green that fell from his head nearly to the ground .. it mingled with his beard and mustache until it was hard to tell which was which. His face was full of crags and his eyes were hard like granite but still with a gleam of days gone by. Days when greater deeds and greater men lived upon the soil. Days when the mountains were young .. the great rivers were merely runoff rivulets ... and valleys were nothing but bosk wallows.

The Lady of the Tem was pleased to see the Old Man of the Mountains .. it seems they had not spoken to each other in many hundreds of years and I sat quiet while they renewed their immortal friendship and spoke of mutual acquaintances as well as lamented the lack of respect from humans these days. Mourned their own kind who had gone to sleep .. and blamed most of it on the destruction and raping of the land by the humans.

I do not know if humans are more disrespectful now than they were then. I have learned that many old speak that way without really having a good example of why .. it is always so and never do they feel respect from anyone young. Perhaps .. the young today are no different than the young of yesterday. But it was not for me to surmise upon their conversation .. I merely remained patient as they spoke together. All humanity seemed but youth to these.

Time is nothing to the Elders. My time .. the entirety of my life ... is but a blink of their eye and I am nothing but a stray drop of rain fallen from the Sky and given form and voice. I mean very little .. and yet I knew their names and I knew the ways to call upon them and .. in that there was something. For no one wishes to be forgotten.

They seemed to remember I was there ... long after they had arrived but I did not mind. I never grew weary or tired listening to their stories .. of the times before. Sometimes they even spoke of the times before men .. but that was rare. They seemed to hold that time sacred unto themselves .. as if ... it was something too precious to simply discuss like it was any other topic.

The Lady of the Tem spoke then to me of the great forests and the voices of her sisters that were growing fainter and more distant in the North. She worried for them but had not made the journey to see for herself. She asked me to see of them when I journeyed North .. and upon the next year to bring her word. She gave me specific names to call upon and I told her I would do this for her. It was my experience that the Elders rarely if ever left their specific place of residence very far these days .. during the days of men. Though some .. like the Man of the Mountains had come quite a distance in response to my calling the Lady's name. He spoke of his own forests .. of those Elders still there among the great heavy broken pieces of the land stacked upon themselves as high as the Sky itself. He told me a of a lake .. a lake he bid me find some day. A circular lake at the very top of the mountains .. it was here he lived and it was here he bid me come .. for he had a gift for me. A special gift .. but I would not receive it unless I made the journey from my beloved plains. He said it was in return for the gift given him .. the gift of knowing his name when he arrived.

It was then that the Lady of the Tem asked me why I had called upon her .. it seemed the time for business had come. I told her .. and the Man of the Mountains ... about my plight in the case of the Tuchuk woman Cana and her mate .. the Beloved of the Sky ... and the strange dreams she was given .. and my inability to find Ba'atar through them. I spoke to them of the white vulo with no eyes .. and I spoke to them of the accident with the paintbrush. They listened and nodded and told me that bringing two such symbolic articles together created rifts and tears in the fabrics of time and space and in this case the two had been made one. That I would suffer the consequences of such carelessness .. both good and bad.

They told me .. they had heard the Sky call the name of Ba'atar .. but they had not involved themselves in the affairs of men and could not tell me why .. or what that meant. They told me that they had no answers for me .. but then they told me that I could possibly find my answers through .. Marrianne. It was a human name .. and I asked them of this Marrianne. They told me she was someone who sometimes walked the place between the grass and the Sky. I told the Elders I did not communicate with spirits. They chuckled .. as if I was some foolish boy and they shook their heads .. as Elders do. The Lady told me to seek this Marrianne and the Old Man told me he knew her .. she sang for him ... and her name was a human name he would remember.

The Old Man told me a story .. of a beautiful Tuchuk woman who walked between the grass and the Sky at times .. and she would sing of peace and goodness that soothed some of the Elders. I asked him .. had she been a Singer? He seemed to stare at me for a hundred years before he patiently reminded me that things as I knew them .. were not the way things were beyond. The words of Clan and bloodline meant nothing to him. Humans were a plague that would run itself out sooner or later and the Elders would inherit their land once more. Those who had not decided to sleep that is.

It took me a few moments .. but I asked them to speak to Marrianne for me and to let her know that I wished to communicate with her. They nodded in their way and said they would pass along the message. By that time the coals were low and nearly ash and the night was old and almost gone. They left me there and I do not know if they will pass along my message or not .. or if they will forget .. because everything I am and all that I need is such a transient fraction of time for them. Would they? Would they reach Marrianne for me? Or would they go off among their forests and mountains and forget I even existed? Or perhaps they would remember a thousand years from now .. but a moment for them ... and find Marrianne for me .. only too late.

I am not even sure how I feel about speaking to her .. this Marrianne.

I do not do spirits.

The Distance Between

So after everythings. And I do mean .. everythings. Because everything plus everything times everything compounded by everything equals ... everythings. So after all the everythings ... I avoided the First Fires and I avoided my family and I avoided my friends and I avoided my "not so friends" and most of all I avoided Seveya.

Seems a cruel thing to do .. it is. It is a very cruel thing to do but a necessary thing to do. I had spoken to Ayguili about my concerns. About the fact that Seveya felt safe with me. That she felt protected by me .. and she knew I would protect her if she came to me again. Now I had gotten a promise from Seveya to wait three hands before throwing herself at me. Yes .. it was safe .... no I was not sure it was the right thing for her yet. Did it make my life easier? Of course. I could have everything and give nothing. Would I take that from a Tuchuk woman of the First Fires .. a woman I had respect for? Not without a lot of convincing and I .. was not convinced.

So it fell on me to protect her .. from me. To give her some space to think and be rational. To consider her life and her future and what she wanted from it .. for her. Without me. If I died tomorrow .. what would she want? To be a camp slave? To die on my pyre? Or did she want to be Seveya .. the woman that I knew some about and had learned to respect. Did she want to ride her Yew and be responsible in her clan and find the many little ways that the members of the First Fires served the rest of the Tribe? Without those moments of fear .. fear of her uncle ... fear of ever getting through to me ... fear of never being enough for me ... without those fears making her feel as if she did not have time to think ... what did she think? What did she feel? What did she want out of this future of hers?

I wanted to know .. Seveya ... the real Seveya .... without my own wants and desires and scars and weaknesses and needs and anger getting in the way. Because I know me .. and at some point I have to know who she is beneath all that or I can not believe in her. I can not have any faith in her if she remakes herself to my whims. I have too many whims and none of them are consistent. I am careless with my whims .. I leave them laying around for anyone to stumble over. I needed to work on that .. but until I do ... I need to know that Seveya is safe and secure inside of herself. That she understands her feelings well enough to know herself in the middle of them. Feelings are lying controlling sneaky fuckers and without a basic thread of knowledge of who you are you can easily get lost in them.

And the first thing that needed to happen for this to happen was that I needed to be scarce and not go stirring up all her feelings and making the waters all muddy and murky and hard to see through. The hurt of my distance would be nothing compared to the hurt of her losing herself. I wanted with everything I am as a man to ensure that she did not do that. That she did not lose herself .. not because of her uncle .. not because of Ayguili and not because of me. Seveya deserved a chance .. a chance to learn ... a chance to be.

And there were plenty of women around who knew what it was to make those kinds of choices and stick with them .. I figured they would have her back. They would share their wisdom and their knowledge and their survival skills.

How to not trip over a man's whims and drown in your own feelings for him-101.

And I was going to give them a chance to do that without said man hanging around and getting in the way.

Not that all this was easy for me. I had been given a gift .. a gift of "everything" and I had to give it back and be mature and responsible when there were parts of me .. parts of me that were not so grown up and mature ...that wanted to keep my gift and play with it and make it mine. Drag it all over and show it to my friends and be proud of it and then leave it out in the rain and forget where I laid it. Two days later to wake up and demand to know why it was not where I wanted it when I wanted it .. despite where it was happened to be where I left it. And to throw a colossal temper about the entire thing. Find my gift .. clean it up and patch it back together and then start the entire process all over again.

And .. knowing that about myself still does not change a damn thing.

Melody of Change

I had come to the fires .. dusty and dry and needing water. A lot of water. Everyone greeted me normally .. as they usually do. Except Asria. Who grinned at me and greeted me with an over exuberant bubbling of excitement. I took a few more drinks of water .. I had a feeling I was going to need it.

She said she wanted to talk to me .. figures. Ayguili asked her if it were not something she needed to speak to her guardian about. I am not sure why he said that .. perhaps he thought Asria forgot who her guardian was ... but I know for a fact Asria will never forget that. I was there for her reaction .. it is not something that is going to just .. slip her mind. In fact .. she likes to remember it ... just for spite.

So we stepped aside and I took my usual lean on one of the large rear wheels of a supply wagon. Black gaze resting on her waiting to hear .. this one. I was not exactly warm and fuzzy with Asria since our tangle about love and trust and my complete loss of sanity accompanied by a few "fuck offs" and her promises of never "fucking off" and yet .. her subsequent and thoroughly predictable "missing in action" .. which is a lot like "fucking off".

I was not expecting to like what she had to say or enjoy our conversation or .. get along at all. She asked how I was and I gave the standard answer of "all right" which is standard and for the most part true. She arched her brow at me as if she did not believe me and then told me she was there for me.

huh

There for me for anything I might need from her even things she might not like to be there for. Which .. taken at face value is worth a lot and I thanked her for it .. but like I said our last conversation was still ringing in my ears and that simple statement was not cutting through the din much.

She told me she would not ask about my personal business .. I could tell there was a lot behind that statement .. more than she wished me to realize. She told me she would never forget it .. that she was there for me. She told me that she would be there for me even when I made her disgustingly angry. "Disgustingly angry" .. I needed to remember that ... I liked it. I told her that meant something. And though my tone was rather distant I did mean my words.

I waited to hear what she had to say .. the original reason she pulled me aside. She let the silence hang there for a moment before she spoke. She told me she had been to the Clan fires .. had spoken to them about the fact the calendars did not speak to her. She had told them about the children and the stories. She told me about some disagreement between the Elders about where she belonged .. with the Year Keepers or with the Singers. I asked her .. what did she think? Figured that was the important question to start off with.

She told me she did not want to tell me what she thought until I gave her my own thoughts .. because they were important to her ... my thoughts. I explained that we had tried this before and it had not gone very well and I was not going to risk it again at this point .. so she could go ahead and talk and I would then let her know my opinions or .. well ... that was her only option.

She asked me if I had ever heard her tell stories .. I had in passing. She told me that she thought the Clan of Singers was a feminine Clan .. I told her I did not think so at all but then I was slightly biased. She told me she did not like calendars and they did not like her but she wanted to be a Singer. I told her that I was not surprised .. it is rare that when we do something solely based on the ideas of another that it lasts much after the other stops putting all the energy into it. So no .. I was not surprised her energy no longer drove her towards the Year Keepers now that Trayu was there to inspire it. I then asked her if she liked to sing. Figured that would be the next important question to the equation. She said yes .. she did very much and though she was not great at it yet she figured that liking it was more important than just talent. To which I agreed.

However I reserve my opinion of Asria as a Singer until I actually hear her sing. And though I would still consider her a Singer .. even if she can not sing ... it is not something I am going to be pushing for her to do around anyone that is not tone deaf.

She told me she had wanted and needed my approval and I assured her that she had it. She touched me and kissed me on the cheek ... and I smirked .. told her this was a good change for her ... a mature one that showed a little thought and planning outside her life with Trayu. Which of course I thought was a good thing.

She told me I was hard to crack. Now that could mean several things.. and I told her so ... I told her that really depended on what she wanted from me. She described to me a crack .. a crack she would be able to slip in passed my guard .. a crack I would simply turn around one day and find her in and I would be happy about it when I did. I told her basically .. good luck ... with the kissing on the cheek and touching my arm thing. It just did not compare to a slave begging rape and rubbing her wet pussy on my thigh. I am not saying that has happened recently .. not recently enough honestly ... but my point was still valid that when a man is faced with women who are free to seek his attention in very dramatic and exposed ways .. a peck on the cheek or a touch on the arm is just friendly. It is not what is going to make me look at her as anyone other than Trayu's widow .. because that is how she acts.

Well that is how she acts when she is not trying to piss me off.

She asked me .. how to get my attention like that .. as a woman and not just a friend and I told her I really did not know. Would be easier for me if I had some kind of clue and I could just hand out instructions. But that is not the case and I am just as much in the dark about how to get my attention than anyone else is. It is rare that I "feel" that connection with someone. It is rare that I "feel" the desire to seek .. to find ... to take and make my own. For that matter it is rare that I feel at all besides the rush of my temper.

Then she told me she hoped that the way to get my attention was not .. submitting to me.

huh

So every woman out there really does think that is what I want and what I think I need. When it is not the case .. not the case at all. Fuck .. I really needed to think this through and think about the way I have been communicating with women because they just are not understanding me in the least. I felt bad .. felt a pang of guilt for Seveya and I became even more convinced I was the agent in her misstep with me and her future. It humbled me a little to be the orchestrator of such drama and pain .. even the falling down of the relationship between her and her uncle. Not because I did not believe Karvek held his own responsibilities there ... but that I had any hand in her misunderstanding of what she herself wanted or desired for herself out of the future .. a future she was pretty damn sure involved me ... or at least should.

Could I blame the woman for wanting to conform herself to fit me .. in any way she could to accommodate for my own weaknesses .. my own scars and cracks in my soul? Well yes .. yes I could and I had some words for her about then. But they would have to wait because I was busy assuring Asria that I did not need a woman to submit to me to be a part of my life. Sky help me if Asria submitted on top of everything else I was going to ask for a patrol that took me as far as Ar. But Asria was assuring me just as much as I was assuring her .. that it was not even possible for her to do something like that. And I was reassured .. indeed.

No Zot. That means there is a charge building somewhere with my name on it.

figures

I want a woman to be true to herself and to be who she is .. and be that person for me and in spite of me. I need something solid to believe in .. something I can look at and it is true to form whenever I look at it ... because I am a man who loses his faith on a regular basis and I need her to know where to find it. To maintain .. even when I can not. How could women not know that about me? How could this be such a universal misunderstanding. It had to be my fault .. once or twice would could have been coincidence but .. this many times? Sky preserve me .. but I am not that stupid that I can not see the obvious signs that this is all .. me.

huh

Anyway .. it was a good talk with Asria .. we did not argue or get angry ... she did not lose her faith and I kept my temper. It was a positive step for both of us. Perhaps standing on the rock of Ayguili has given her a secure place to deal with me from. Whatever the case her improved solidity was nice to experience. I sent her off to Ayguili to tell/ask him about the clan switch .. and told her she was free to tell him that I thought it was a good idea. And I do .. I think this melody of change is rather pleasant.

Deeper in the Desert

The red sand chewed at my boots with a terrible dryness .. and if not for that protective layer of leather between it and I ... I am sure it would have sucked every ounce of moisture from my tissue.

It was a lonely place .. I liked it. It spoke to me and I felt comfortable there. Like all my thoughts and all my dreams just went to sleep for awhile. A very .. restful ... sleep.

There was no pressure inside my skull .. there were no fireflies of thought process ... the air was still and calm and .... empty.

She came to sit beside me. I was surprised .. or I felt like I should be surprised. It was hard to feel much where I was. But it felt all right .. not to feel much. Like I said .. it was comfortable... here.

I was deep into the desert. I needed answers .. I needed to know things if I was going to help Cana. This one was proving harder than I thought .. things were not making as much sense as they should. As much sense as I was used to making out of dreams. Something was wrong .. somehow I knew I was on the wrong track but I had no idea what the right track was let alone the wrong one.

So I had set out early in the morning .. alone in my Spex wagon. I had built each blade of grass .. each nuance of Sky ... I had created the plains and I had made the journey into the desert .. crossing the place in between and daring the dangers and adventures along the way. I did not stop at the bare lightning blasted tree .. I did not stop for the little boy ... I did not stop for the ferocious terrors ... I did not stop for the little child's toy of a white wagon. I did not stop for the Three .. though they called to me with plaintive voices. I kept going .. walking with purpose until I found myself much deeper inside the desert than I ever had been before. It was here .. among the red dunes ... that I had stopped and sat and felt ... comfortable.

It was here that she came to sit beside me .. a flounce of skirt that covered her small legs ... her folded pudgy fingers in her lap. The heavy cheeks and the lips that never smiled. And I felt like I should be surprised. She looked just as she had that day I found her next to the burning wagon ... with her family slaughtered all around her. It was like all that happened only yesterday .. the death of her brother at my hands of mercy. I thought perhaps I should feel the raging sadness as I had that day .. but I could not. Not here. I thought perhaps I should weep for seeing her again .. with me ... I had missed her so much. But I did not ... not here. I thought perhaps I would feel the hatred towards Aunt for taking her away from me. But I should not. Not here.

I asked Ani what to do with Cana's dreams and my attempts to find Ba'atar through them. I told her I was having trouble finding him .. that he kept slipping away from me and I kept getting attacked by this Dark Nothing that hurt my head and left my nose bleeding for days after. Ani reached into the pocket of her skirt and handed me a white vulo with hollow eyes.. just black holes where the eyes should have been. I wanted to be repulsed and sad .. but I could not be. Not here. At first I thought the small bird was dead. But it fluttered .. a tiny feeble heartbeat within its breast ... but both wings were broken.

I did not want to take the thing from her .. it belonged here ... in the desert where it would never know the pain it would if I took it outside this place. But my want was not able to grow into fruition .. it was something I wanted to want ... but I could not. Not here.

So I took the broken bird into my hands .. I felt the first flutter against my rough touch ... and the desert faded quickly as if a torrential rain had blown up out of no where and washed it away. The desert was gone. Ani was gone. I was once again in the Spex wagon holding a fluttering vulo with two broken wings and nothing but black ocular holes instead of eyes. The pain that the thing experienced was instantaneous and I felt horror for it. I wanted to wring its neck and end it .. but I valued the time and effort that Ani had given to me to even get this thing into my hands. It meant something .. it had to.

It was here.

The Redemption of Ayguili

I am not a hero .. despite what Catch would like you to believe. I am not a savior or a man for the people. I am a lone sleen. I always have been. Can I be Ubar and do the job correctly? Of course .. but I will never excel at being "with" people. I have too many expectations and too much paranoia about their intentions. I prefer to be alone far too much. I do not have this burning desire to create and make things for them to do .. to occupy their time. In my opinion .. there is too much life to need something to do. There is too much to do ... to need something to do. I tend to expect people to be independent of me and to treat me as if I am an Oralu. Far enough up the chain of command that there are many steps to the problem solving process before you get to me. I do not tend to think .. in the way of solving everyone's problems and being there for everyone all the time. It tends to surprise me when someone bitches about me not being there for them. As if I have some obligation to hunt them down and treat them like they are five and manage their time and efforts. I expect people to be old enough to learn and grow much on their own .. with guidance ... not with direct interference. It is why I believe that Ayguili is better suited for Ubar than I am. He is .. more about the people. He is not a loner. He crafts and creates things for their minds to chew on. I can support him .. I can be his right hand ... if he lets me.

Now Ayguili had fallen from grace a little. But like I said I am no savior .. I can not redeem anyone. I am no hero. But Ayguili is .. and the hero needed a little redemption. I knew one person who could do that for him. She does it for me all the time. When I let her. She makes things right .. smoothes away the wrinkles and lets you see things without all the interference of other people. I warned Ayguili when he asked to speak to Seveya .. who he would have to deal with. Not because she was protective of me .. no Oren will likely kick my ass more often than not. She has never drawn lines between people .. she would never do that. No it was because she had all ready become a little protective of Seveya. She even protected her from me. But that is why I think so highly of Oren. I can depend on her.

I had no hesitation bringing Ayguili to Oren's fires. Yes Oren knew how angry I was .. but she always brushes that away ... always brings people together ... never apart. I knew she would have her own words for Ayguili .. she would never use my words or my thoughts. We were all like naughty children to her and she would never separate us ... she might thwack us upside the head a few times but her ultimate goal was for us to all sit together and get along ... preferably under her little nose.

I saw the satisfied little smile at the corner of her eyes when we arrived. I think she saw it as a bit of penance. We came to be absolved of our sins. Naughty boys. I wondered how Ayguili would handle her. I have never seen them together. I was not sure who to be protective of more.

She told Ayguili .. "Tal Ubar" .. I winced ... this did not sound good and I stepped a few paces away from Ayguili because Oren was leaning on her staff as if it were the best kaiila lance a warrior ever picked up. Then she pointed her bony finger at me and told me to sit on the furs. And I did just that. Damn .. I felt like I had been bad ... and I had not even done anything wrong this time.

Ayguili was looking like his tunic was too tight around his neck and I would have been highly amused by that if I was not feeling the same way myself. He got his voice under his tongue and spoke to her .. "If it is permissible, I would like to speak to the woman Seveya, Oren."

"And just what would you be liking to speak to her about Ubar?" There was the "Ubar" again.

I would have liked to enjoy this .. but I knew better. I had found myself in the same spot way too often and I knew even the slightest amount of entertainment on my part would shift the balance of karma and I would find myself there again even sooner. There are things you run around pointing your copper lance at the Sky for .. and then there are things ... you just know better. I kept my tongue between my teeth and sat on the furs like I had been told.

"Trust Oren. I need to speak to her about gaining trust back, for both of us."

"Well then that would be a good thing I'm thinkin.. then we can talk about you and I .. Ayguili". She used his name .. that was a good sign. Then she tapped her staff against the wagon steps and called out to Seveya .. "You come out child and talk to this man .. and if you don't like what he has to say you just march yourself right back in that wagon."

Seveya shoved herself through the flaps of the wagon .. she was looking even worse today .. the darks were lightening and turning a sickly greenish yellow and some of the swelling on her brow was sloughing with gravity down her face to give her eye a heavy lid .. the stitches giving her a bit of a sneer though her lip did look better. She crossed her arms and looked about as welcoming as a contrary old verr. Oren must have seen the look and understood it .. for she encouraged Seveya to hear the Ubar out because I would not have brought him there if I had not liked what he had to say. Which was true enough.

The two of them sat together on the wagon steps .. with Oren perched there with her staff like an avenging herlit .. and I was pleased enough to be sitting on the other side of the fires from them all.

Ayguili began in a calm tone .. "You have had a few very difficult days, and I have not helped. That is why I am here to speak with you." Oren humphed but it was obvious she wanted to hear what the Ubar had to say .. she was just reminding everyone that just because she was old .. it did not mean she was not alive and kicking and a part of things.

Ayguili raised his voice a little .. I think to include Oren. He made points with me for that. "Seveya, I am going to take responsibility for the mistakes that I made yesterday in talking to Fonce and your Uncle. But, we are all going to have to take responsibility for our own share of all of this. Agreed?"

WHACK

Startled the shit out of me. My gaze went to Oren .. their gazes went to Oren .. we all just stared at her not sure where that came from or why. Of course Ayguili was rubbing his shins at that point as well. Damn .. I knew that hurt.

"Oren, give me a break, I am trying to work on this." Even I was about ready to ask for a little sympathy for Ayguili and I was still not out of my mad yet. But damn.

Oren bent down so she was level with Ayguili's eyes while he sat on that step and she poked her bony gnarled finger into his chest to punctuate her words as she said them. "Young man .. who taught you how to apologize to a woman? Since when do you start an apology by telling her she had some responsibilityin it? Now if you are here to apologize to her you do just that and then we can talk about what you want her to do different in the future to help you not make so many mistakes."

Holy shit .. take lessons Fonce .. you are going to need this one sooner or later .. I can feel it. The problem with taking the women in your life to see Oren is .. they learn a lot.

Then Ayguili took those gnarled fingers in his big hand and kissed them .. asking Oren to hear him out .. and if that did not work ... I am Mezoo's jit monkey uncle. Oren fluffed and cooed and ruffled up like a dew bathing vulo and when she smacked his fingers it did not have a bit of the strength behind it that I knew still existed in those arms.

huh

Pay attention Fonce .. a lot to learn here.

Ayguili started talking to Seveya again .. about how if he had been a good guardian she would have known she could talk to him about these things. About how he would have told her he would never bargain her off to a warrior not from the First Fires and Seveya telling him he was there when her uncle spoke of it and he had not given any indication he gave a shit .. ect. ect. ect. That part was not so interesting to me.

Then Oren piped up with a question .. "Was Mezoo there?" The question almost sounded accusatory but Oren's eyes shown with love and pride and .. it was obvious she might chide Ayguili for his distraction .. but would have it no other way. Seveya remembered that yes .. Mezoo had been there. And Ayguili rubbed his temples trying to remember and apologized for being distracted sometimes and damn .. if both women did not forgive him ... just like that. Seveya with this blissful little glow in her eyes and a turn of the lips like I have not seen from her before and Oren patting him on the shoulder.. like anything could be excused from a man in love .. at least a man in love with her Mezoo. What the fuck?

women

So Ayguili went on about how much he wanted Seveya to be able to trust him .. about how he wanted her at the First Fires .. for all she was and all she could give them. It was much as he had spoken to me .. about how he could not see her on her knees to any man. How he had too much respect for who she was as a free woman. I had no idea he felt that way about Seveya .. I do not think Seveya knew how he felt either. Sometimes adversity makes people talk about how they feel .. and he had some rather high opinions and expectations for Seveya .. all very positive.

Seveya accepted his apology .. I still think it was for the mooning he and Mezoo have been doing and making all the women swoon with it.

grunt

However .. Seveya had one condition for this acceptance .. she wanted Ayguili to give me the respect I was due.

Well that wound me all up and I wanted to jump in and interrupt and tell her I could fight my own battles and protect myself and I did not need her making conditions for me with the Ubar ... but then I realized ... had I not been trying to replace her as a free woman? Had I not been fighting to replace her rights and opinions and her ability to give them freely no matter what I or any other man thought of them personally?

fuck

I hate it when I work against myself .. even when it is the right thing to do. It is just damned inconvenient.

So I shut my mouth and let her have her say .. speak her mind ... as I should. Probably a good thing for me .. my leg is still sore and I do not need a new bruise on my shin. And I want kudos for figuring all that out before the WHACK .. damn it.

Ayguili asked Oren if he could give Seveya a hug .. and Oren went to chewing on his ear about all the things Seveya needed now .. and that he better bring Mezoo around because Oren missed her terribly since he had moved her wagons forward. Ayguili promised her he would .. as he had things to say to her and Astar and to Pei also. Insert small self-satisfaction there. I will probably get a ZOT for it later.

Oren informed him that he knew exactly where to find them all. If Ay knows what is good for him he will show up soon .. I know that light in her eyes. Then Ayguili asked Oren what she would take in trade for Seveya. Oren told him to leave Seveya right where she was .. and both Ayguili and I spoke up that it was important for Seveya to return to the First Fires. Oren complained that the Ubar kept taking everyone away from her .. and who would help her with the verr... I was about to step in but Ayguili took it for me and did a job even I am impressed with. He told her that he had thousands of men under his command and if Oren needed verr herders .. she would have verr herders. I started to get a little worried .. wondered if this was my new assignment. Then Ayguili redeemed himself with me and suggested that Another One might be an excellent verr herder. I agreed .. anyone was an excellent verr herder as long as it was not me. So he said to Oren ..

"Oren, I have a young man, who needs the attention of one as wise as yourself. He is going through a difficult time, and perhaps you could ease that for him."

I watched Oren do a 180 and chuckled to myself.

women

"Well if he needs me.. I suppose."

"You have my eternal gratitude. I will have his mother send him over on the morrow, if that is agreeable with you." Kudos to Ayguili for that dance step and realizing what she was up to and going along with it. The man earned more respect from me in that moment than many .. many moments before.

"Yes Ayguili. But he better not be too much trouble." She was fluffing like a vulo and acting like she had when he kissed her fingers. And acting as if Ayguili was asking this huge favor of her and she was not sure she had the time or energy to do this for him.

"I promise, he will not be. He comes from good stock, and is basically very well behaved for a boy of........seven."

Oren tisked and said with an air of long suffering .. "And such an age that is too .. very well send the boy along and I will do what I can with him. But I promise you nothing .. mind you ... all ready seven ... could be too late."

I was staring wide eyed and probably open mouthed and I think Seveya was doing the same thing.

Ayguili actually looked contrite .. no I am serious .. he did. "I know, but if there is anyone that can help this boy, it would be you, Oren." Ayguili is going directly to hell .. but he will carry that old woman's heart right with him.

"I know .. I know .. now off with you all I have things to prepare and you have taken up a lot of an old woman's time all ready .. young people these days." And she bustled off .. just like that.

I have to consider myself very fortunate that I got to witness the redemption of Ayguili .. because if I had not seen it for myself ... I never would have believed it.

I hope I am around when Ayguili has to talk to Cana and explain this one.

Frayed ..But Not Broken

The next day I was summoned to the Ubar's wagon. I came as a respectful warrior .. not as second in command .. not as Oralu ... and not as Fonce. I came merely as a Tuchuk warrior hearing and obeying a command given to me.

After all my venting I was not as angry. But there was a distant coldness about me. A coldness that a few know very well .. and a few more are about to learn. I can be an arrogant egotistical selfish prideful asshole.

Sometimes .. all at once.

I had every intention of listening to the Ubar and not getting involved in anything he had to say. What could he say to me now? Would he simply repeat himself proving to me again I had trusted him in vain? Would he apologize to me and expect me to wipe what I had learned of him away and start over? I wanted neither from him. I wanted nothing .. from him. There was no going back for me and I had every intention of simply obeying and not ever allowing him to be privy to my thoughts on the entire thing. I had no intention of letting him have any clue how hurt and angry I was. Not because he had not given me what I wanted .. but for how he had treated me when I would have been satisfied with a simple .. no.

Best laid plans ... I hate it when people are sincere with me. It makes me .. respond ... and shit.

fuck

He said we needed to talk.

huh

Then he asked me if I had a mind to. I told him I had been all about talking .. and I could still be. Not that I intended to talk much .. at all.

"Good. Now, the Ubar will talk first, then I hope the friend can talk. You have sat where I am right now, so I think you know that it is not an easy place to be sometimes. I am a man, and I make my share of mistakes. I will bungle things with the best of them, and I found myself, wanting to make sense out of something, that there was no real sense to, if you can understand that. And in doing that, I think I let the Ubar get in the way of the friend. It can be a hard balance to find. In my effort to be fair to everyone, I think I lost sight of our goal to help Seveya. And I was rude, and for that I want to apologize."

There was nothing in his statement that touched me. It was much how I expected it to be. The initial attempt to connect me to his own actions by mentioning the shared position. To garner my empathy .. make me feel what he felt and then to bring me to his own understanding of how things went. To apologize to me for letting his position get in the way of his friendship with me .. retaining his respect as Ubar .. "forgive me Fonce ... the position is heavy on my shoulders .. blame it on the position .. I was just doing my job". It was an empty apology. It was crafted .. was I not and had I not been a Black Mask for how many years? Was I not aware of this tactic? And it is a tactic and it works .. works very well ... with most people. But I am not most people. I have used this too many times to worm my way like a hungry maggot through rotted flesh into the mind of someone I want answers from. But he left a small bit of bait at the end .. and I took it.

"You were rude? I would like to understand what you are apologizing to me for." As if he could .. since I had yet to hear an apology.

"I don't think I gave you the respect that you deserved, and maybe I didn't listen like I should have."

huh

Was that sincerity?

"No .. that is true ... you did not give me respect as an Oralu .. or as second in command and you certainly gave me nothing as a friend."

fuck if I did not start to respond to it.

"And that is what I am apologizing for, as Ubar. Now, as a friend. I screwed up, and I know it. I cannot put it any simpler than that."

Simple is always better.

There was a glimpse of the man I thought I had known there .. the man I had considered my friend. And it all just started to spill out of my mouth. And there was a lot to spill. Some of it was valid .. some of it was foam .. I am such a sucker for sincerity.

"You made me impotent for a man who is not only recently returned from the dwellers .. but has for the last three days acted like a jilted lover over his niece and set huge fires in the middle of the Harigga to burn all his things. You trimmed my ears in front of him and for him and I was the one trying to talk to him and make this right. right now I am not sure I want this command .. because I do not seem to even have a command. And that is not even getting to the part where you would not take my word as a friend. We are just on the part where you stripped me of all my respect and command .. and I do not see what for .. or why you would do that to me especially in front of a lunatic .. and then command me as Ubar to show him respect that I was actually showing him .. in the face of him refusing to show me respect as a man let alone as an Oralu or second in command of this entire Harigga. "

He winced .. "I know. In all of the time I have known you, not once have you ever given me cause to doubt your word or your honor. I think the whole situation simply overwhelmed me, and I did the wrong thing, and said all of the wrong things."

huh .. well yes .. yes he did. More sincerity? Bastard.

When are you going to back me up .. when are you going to make some pussy ego having crazy man respect an Oralu let alone your second in command?"

"I made a mistake. Can you understand how I came to that? I guess that I had hoped that there was some equity to this all, but I know now there was not. In Karvek, I was dealing with a man that I now think, is not exactly of his right mind, and to be very honest, I am not sure that I want him in this camp, and around the innocents. Hindsight, is often much better than looking at something the first time."

How easily we lose the ground we have so recently attained.

"I do not care what you knew or did not know because you supposedly knew one thing for sure .. you knew my honor .. you knew my word ... and you knew I was worth giving Oralu to and even second in command to. You knew that .. you knew he was not a commander .. you knew he was even new here from the land of dwellers and you knew he was a freak wagon burning psycho. That part .. you knew when it got started. No .. I do not know how you came to make this mistake Ubar .. unless you never believed in me from the beginning when you gave me my command and made me second only to you."

"And that is not the truth. There is not a man in this entire camp that I trust any more than I do you. But for a moment, I was blinded by trying to work something out, and made huge mistakes. I have worried over this ever since we all parted, and I am heartsick over what I have done."

"I .. can not understand how you could be blinded so easily by a mad man .. Ubar." I did not have a hort to give him. I did not possess one. Not about this. I had to trust him .. I had to trust him with my life and the lives of my people. I needed him to either answer for this or I had to walk away.

I think, it is because when he and I talked, he showed no signs of it. He was calm, reasonable and I mistook that for his wanting to work things out. I was wrong. You ever make a mistake, Fonce? One you regretted?"

Here we go again ...

"I can not say I have ever not trusted my commanders .. I would rather make a mistake in their favor than choose an outsider over them. I have my own best interests at heart .. if I am going to make a mistake I make it for them ... not against them. I do not care if he made the best song and dance you everheard or have ever seen I deserved respect from him .. and I deserved you to make him respect me ... instead I got your disrespect on top of it."

"You are right. There is nothing more that I can say, other than that. I made a mistake, stepped the wrong way, and I am trying to find a way to step back in line."

But I was all wound up again and not done venting.

"I am angry as all fucking hell over this not to mention .. why am I the only one concerned for this girl when you are supposed to be her guardian and he is her fucking uncle? I think he has got some sick twisted need ** ***** ******* ** *** because I have never seen a man act like that over his own family unless he was. That aside .. I will not allow you or anyone else to hurtthis girl or make her believe she is a bad person because she made a simplemistake. She is paying for it .. and by the Sky you should understand making a mistake."

"Finally, something we agree on. But I do have one thing to say in all of this. Why did the two of you not come to me, talk to me before it got to the point she felt she had to do what she did?"

Seriously?

"How the hell was I supposed to know she was going to do what she did before she did it? And .. by the Sky I understand why she did not trust you because I am having trouble doing so myself right now. As for her uncle .. she was right. And you have not been seen since she did it .. until I got a hold of you and you dismissed me to talk to Karvek."

"You are right. So, you no longer trust me, does this mean you think that I no longer am able to lead our people?"

I have on patience for defeatism especially in the face of me giving my time and energy and thoughts on a subject. I did not want my loyalty questioned yet again in the face of me accusing him of .. questioning it. If I did not feel he was capable of being Ubar I would never have vented my thoughts to him and given him a chance to make it right with me. I do not think anyone will ever quite .. understand me.

"You can pull your Ubar card and lead them .. whether or not you can earn the respect of your men .. I have some doubts unless you pull something out that counteracts yesterday. No man will trust a leader who turns on them on the first sign of idiocy and you can get all fired up about my words .. you can get mad at me .. but you owe me. You owe me respect .. you owe me apologies .. you owe me trust. That is how you will earn mine back."

"So where do we go from here?"

But I was still too angry about the question of my loyalty again and whether or not I thought he was fit to be Ubar.

"You tell me .. what do you want from me? You want me to step down .. you can have Karvek in my place. Or do you want me to do what I do .. are you going to back me up? Are you going to show me and everyone else that I am trusted and respected as Oralu and second in command? What do those positions mean to you? Am I a lap sleen you can whistle for and then whip at your leisure? Or am a man with power .. given to me by another man who believes I deserve that kind of power and respect?"

"I tell you what I want. I want this poor woman that I know is in turmoil over this entire situation, to be instilled back to her place at the first fires. I want to be allowed to be her guardian again, and to have the trust of not only her, but of you. I want for her to feel safe and secure, and I want to stand beside you both in the days ahead that we all know are going to be difficult. Perhaps in doing that, I can regain a part of your trust. As for you, all I can say is that I made a mistake, and I still trust you with my life, and the life of every man, woman and child in this camp."

That stopped me .. dead in my tracks. Sincerity. Protectiveness .. words about someone else that needed both of us to work together. It was what I had been after in the first place. It was what I had sought for and expected from him. My hurts no longer felt so important or so big. This is all I wanted. It was everything I needed. I set down all my shields and weapons .. to not do so would have been to sacrifice the one person I was all wound up about in the entire thing. Sacrifice her for my own ego .. which was not my intent or inclination. My ego can take a few blows .. it is rather large and healthy.

I accepted the hand offered to me. Without reserve. The trust between Ayguili and I was tested .. frayed ... but not broken. Ayguili and I put our heads together at that point and began to plot and plan for her well being. Not because she had not made mistakes .. but in spite of them. And what followed was the business of men .. as they discussed the future of a woman.