Deeper in the Desert

The red sand chewed at my boots with a terrible dryness .. and if not for that protective layer of leather between it and I ... I am sure it would have sucked every ounce of moisture from my tissue.

It was a lonely place .. I liked it. It spoke to me and I felt comfortable there. Like all my thoughts and all my dreams just went to sleep for awhile. A very .. restful ... sleep.

There was no pressure inside my skull .. there were no fireflies of thought process ... the air was still and calm and .... empty.

She came to sit beside me. I was surprised .. or I felt like I should be surprised. It was hard to feel much where I was. But it felt all right .. not to feel much. Like I said .. it was comfortable... here.

I was deep into the desert. I needed answers .. I needed to know things if I was going to help Cana. This one was proving harder than I thought .. things were not making as much sense as they should. As much sense as I was used to making out of dreams. Something was wrong .. somehow I knew I was on the wrong track but I had no idea what the right track was let alone the wrong one.

So I had set out early in the morning .. alone in my Spex wagon. I had built each blade of grass .. each nuance of Sky ... I had created the plains and I had made the journey into the desert .. crossing the place in between and daring the dangers and adventures along the way. I did not stop at the bare lightning blasted tree .. I did not stop for the little boy ... I did not stop for the ferocious terrors ... I did not stop for the little child's toy of a white wagon. I did not stop for the Three .. though they called to me with plaintive voices. I kept going .. walking with purpose until I found myself much deeper inside the desert than I ever had been before. It was here .. among the red dunes ... that I had stopped and sat and felt ... comfortable.

It was here that she came to sit beside me .. a flounce of skirt that covered her small legs ... her folded pudgy fingers in her lap. The heavy cheeks and the lips that never smiled. And I felt like I should be surprised. She looked just as she had that day I found her next to the burning wagon ... with her family slaughtered all around her. It was like all that happened only yesterday .. the death of her brother at my hands of mercy. I thought perhaps I should feel the raging sadness as I had that day .. but I could not. Not here. I thought perhaps I should weep for seeing her again .. with me ... I had missed her so much. But I did not ... not here. I thought perhaps I would feel the hatred towards Aunt for taking her away from me. But I should not. Not here.

I asked Ani what to do with Cana's dreams and my attempts to find Ba'atar through them. I told her I was having trouble finding him .. that he kept slipping away from me and I kept getting attacked by this Dark Nothing that hurt my head and left my nose bleeding for days after. Ani reached into the pocket of her skirt and handed me a white vulo with hollow eyes.. just black holes where the eyes should have been. I wanted to be repulsed and sad .. but I could not be. Not here. At first I thought the small bird was dead. But it fluttered .. a tiny feeble heartbeat within its breast ... but both wings were broken.

I did not want to take the thing from her .. it belonged here ... in the desert where it would never know the pain it would if I took it outside this place. But my want was not able to grow into fruition .. it was something I wanted to want ... but I could not. Not here.

So I took the broken bird into my hands .. I felt the first flutter against my rough touch ... and the desert faded quickly as if a torrential rain had blown up out of no where and washed it away. The desert was gone. Ani was gone. I was once again in the Spex wagon holding a fluttering vulo with two broken wings and nothing but black ocular holes instead of eyes. The pain that the thing experienced was instantaneous and I felt horror for it. I wanted to wring its neck and end it .. but I valued the time and effort that Ani had given to me to even get this thing into my hands. It meant something .. it had to.

It was here.