Just What I Needed

I don't mind you comin' here
and wastin' all my time
'cause when you're standin' oh so near
I kinda lose my mind
it's not the perfume that you wear
it's not the ribbons in your hair
I don't mind you comin' here
and wastin' all my time

I don't mind you hangin' out
and talkin' in your sleep
it doesn't matter where you've been
as long as it was deep, yeah
you always knew to wear it well and
you look so fancy I can tell
I don't mind you hangin' out
and talkin' in your sleep

I guess you're just what I needed
I needed someone to feed
I guess you're just what I needed
I needed someone to bleed

- Cars

I had sought some solitary solace. Not that I had not had enough of it since my Love Wars escapade. This was the longest I had been out of action that I could ever remember. I was going stir crazy .. losing my mind ... going to come unsealed around the edges soon. Still .. it was not bad to lay on the grass and contemplate how much I hated the Sky. It left me all warm and fuzzy and feeling good about myself.

There was one solitary cloud in the blue expanse above me. I felt a certain solitary kinship with it. Upon the horizon several wall clouds piled up in classic thunderstorm fashion. I wondered how this little one had escaped .. I wondered if he would be allowed to roam free or if the pack would come for him. Spreading their gray storm filled existence across my window.

I have way too much time on my hands.

There is a look .. a way about a woman when she is on a mission. A man learns to watch for this like he learns to watch for plain's fires .. or raiding Kassar. It is all about the survival. A man likes to survive. I felt purpose radiating off Seveya long before she arrived at my solitary solace place. It was no longer solitary .. and I had a distinct Spex like feeling it was about to lose a little solace. Even those thunderheads took notice and held off. Her tone was quiet and settled .. at the same time she was wound tight and ready to spring free. The two combined in a woman never spells good things. At least in my experience.

Now fortunately for her I had my "big boy" skin laying around easy for me to take up and put on. The Oralu .. mature ... guardian kind of skin. The one I reserved for just such occasions as this. I think she caught my hesitation. I do not think she appreciated it .. though she did thank me in advance for my patience. I asked her if she was thanking me for the patience I had .. or the patience she was sure I was going to have. She told me it could go either way.

huh .. figures

She decided to test my skin. To see just how far the fucker would stretch. The skin is still intact .. though it was a close thing ... a very close thing .. has a couple of tears in it.

I want to expound .. to delve into and explore all the things she said to me. I want to expose them .. to display them. To grease them and polish them and call them mine. But I can not do that. I can not separate the words she told me from the fear she felt. I do not know what was real .. and what was born out of irrational fear fueled by her uncle and I am .. assuming ... myself in my words and actions to her.

Presented with this beautiful gift of everything she is and wants to be .. I yet have doubts as to the entirety of the motivation. Was it purely for me? Was this what she wanted? I have never seen anything like slave behavior from Seveya. In fact .. I have seen slave like behavior from most every other free woman at the Fires in comparison to the purity of behavior from Seveya. Not one dirty joke .. not one flash of desire .. not one tease of sexuality that I would have forgiven even if I had seen ... but I did not.

Which leaves me to surmise that any such thoughts are born purely from the desire to give me all and in return expect all from me. Which I have inadvertently set her up for by speaking of relationships .. free and slave. By being so hard to reach .. so unbelieving of those around me. And knowing that .. can I stop it? No. But I can see the evidence of what I have done to her thought process. It was not my intention. I was not attempting to tell Seveya through subtle means that a woman has to submit to me before I will allow them to get close. Not at all. Have they not noticed I ignore slaves on a regular basis? Have they not realized that only by my respect for the free have they even garnered my attention for any regular periods of time? Do I believe a slave has the ability to get closer to me than any free woman? Yes. But it is a theory. I have never proved it. Do I want all women to submit to me? Of course not. I want children and a mate and that is not going to happen with a slave. I am not going to have children .. with a slave. Was this all something I was attempting to orchestrate and .. "good Sky look Seveya figured it out just like T'zuri?" No.

I must say again .. no.

But I also know how much easier it is to attempt to show me these things as a slave .. because it feels like you have all the power in the world to offer yourself to me and to gain my trust in a way you have not been able to .. so far. I know it feels like you are proving your own words to me .. by submitting all you are to my every whim. But .. it is not necessary. It is not what I am looking for or what I even want. I want to learn .. and to grow ... and to get to the point where I can understand what I want. And in doing so I tend to push and pull and test my boundaries.

Was I angry? No. How could I be? How could I not take this gift given to me and appreciate it .. simply because I appreciate who Seveya is as a person? And should I have picked her up by her short hair and marched her back to her guardian? You could tell me so .. I could not. It was not in me to do it. I will not endanger a woman again like that. I wanted to protect her. At first from everyone .. and then ... from me. I did not want to give her back. I wanted to keep her for my very own.

And yet .. I knew I had to. I knew I had to hold onto that mature "good guy" skin and do what was right. Do what was respectable. I had to find Ayguili and discuss this with him. I needed that rational mind to help me figure out what was best for Seveya .. and in turn for me. Was I willing to give up getting to know her? No. Was I willing to turn her over to be given away to someone she thought would kill her? Not any more. Was I now motivated to get to the bottom of who had control over who she mated? Well .. yes. I thought I had known .. I spoke to the man I needed to. I did my part .. held up my responsibility .. and yet here we were with something gone terribly wrong.

Or had it.

See? I am still not sure. I am still not sure if this was the right thing or the wrong thing .. but the part I do know is that I will never know unless the woman is set back where she belongs with no fear. No fear to make a choice that is good for her. Is it the Gorean way? The Tuchuk way? No. Ask me if I give a wild flying fuck. I have rules .. rules for myself and rules for those around me and one of them is .. I like to know why someone is in my space. Another rule is .. never trust fear. And by the Sky never trust emotions born from fear. Ever.

Seveya is not just any other woman. She is a free woman .. a free Tuchuk woman of the First Fires. I must give that respect. And yet she was so sure .. so sure of what and where she wanted to be. Am I doing her a disservice by not trusting her to know her own destiny? Her own course? Is she not the Tuchuk free woman I just described .. intelligent ... fierce and prideful? I am a man torn .. torn between two things. Torn by the knowledge that Seveya must be returned to Ayguili and set back in her place if I am ever going to know her heart and mind fully ... and the fact that ... I do have trust of her intelligence and fierce pride and I want to gather this gift to myself and claim it for what it appears to be.

And with all that I have not even gotten to the part where I decide what it is I want from Seveya. Is it the fierce prideful Tuchuk free woman I know her to be? The woman to stand by my side and face the Sky together? To fight for every scrap and piece we take from this life? Or do I want her complete submission to my will and word. A woman kneeling at my feet with no ability to hide anything from me. With no right to withhold an ounce of who she is from my hand. To peel her apart layer by layer until she is my possession in every sense of the word?

I do not know. I never got the chance to decide. I have no idea. There was a connection this day. I felt her. I felt her for the first time. It was not just that she made me feel .. I felt her. It was brief .. a flicker. But I felt her and I want to know more. I do know that much. I just have no flipping freaking fucking clue what I want to do with it once I know it. Will I ever know it? Will I ever know Seveya beneath the layers she hides in? Will she ever stop trying to solve all the problems before she speaks of them? Will she ever trust me enough to solve them with me? Is Seveya a woman whose thoughts and purpose are simply built on fear and what she thinks she knows of me .. or is she

.. just what I needed.