The Theory of Everything

.. look at it ... this way

Is all that I am .. an everything?

Is all I have to offer .. anything?

The theory of everything .. is it quantum mechanics .. or relativity? Or is it somehow both? Is there a meeting of the very small and the very large where they combine to make matter as we know it? If we did not "know it" would matter exist at all or is it by rights only in existence because of our very conscious played out upon our tiny universe ... if so ... who "knew it" first. Who observed and thus created and formed and caused by mere observation the collective forms of life we have now? Who placed their fingers upon the strings and played the harmony of birth .. this frequency of life... for the first time? Was it merely an accident? A collision of two membranes in an eleventh dimension? Does that explain it all? This theory of .. everything?

As Tuchuk we are taught that we were formed from the rain.. birthed of the Sky. Why does the rain not create any more? Is it now .. millennia later merely a weaker version of the original? Is the power of creation leaking from our universe leaving us on a collision course with our own demise? Are we ingesting our weaker siblings to sustain our own life? The stronger twin reaching for survival at the expense of another and yet by doing so .. are we ensuring our own death?

How .. ironic.

And what .. you ask ... has me questioning my existence in this existential manner? This posing of myself upon the plains of theory and testing their calculations according to my own brain?

What happens when .. all that I am ... is not enough? When the theory of everything .. is equal to nothing?

you suck Fonce

Well in my case a man begins to ask himself the big questions. The bigger questions that are based on the smallest of questions. Theory of Everything Big meets Theory of Everything Small and .. where does Fonce fit in all of that?

I can do this all day.

However .. it is really getting me no closer to the answer I need .. to reach the outcome I prefer. And that ..

... is frustrating and needs paga.

It is rare .. when I drink. Last night ... I drank. A lot. Obviously. More than I can remember. Still was not enough to change anything. Was enough I forgot .. for a bit.

that helped

Hell .. I forgot my name and how to walk and how to talk and almost forgot how to take a piss .. but fortunately that came back to me .. when I needed it.

I was still passed out at the stream .. in a peaceful dreamless state ...otherwise known as unconscious .... when Seveya found me. At first I was pleased to see her .. the alcohol worked that well. Then .. she asked what we were celebrating and the night before started to flood into my conscious. Like a thick coagulated flood .. a slow flood ... one you could walk out in front of or simply step aside from and watch it pass.... eventually.

That kind of flood.

reality sucks

She was trying to talk to me .. and I was trying to listen but it was not yet sinking through the fog of intoxication ... I tried to get my fingers free of the bota strap that had somehow wound its way with serious intent about my hand.

that was fun

I finally asked her to repeat herself .. so I could try again ... to understand her. She asked me once more what we were celebrating .. and I had to tell her .. no .. I did not think this was a celebration. That did not sound right ... I was having trouble with the slow flood .. kicked it a few times to see if it was alive and if I could get a reaction from it.

good luck with that Fonce

I must have said something .. about putting it all away ... meaning my feelings and intentions .... because she started cleaning up my scattered paga skins which were in various stages of death and decay from the night before. Busy people make my psyche hurt on mornings such as this.. much like the light from the Central Fire ... which was intense and far to happy to be appreciated.

Somewhere .. in there ... I let it all spill free and I told her everything.

Everything I had meant to keep from her .. to spare her feelings.

Everything I had meant to keep from her ... to save my pride.

I blame it on the paga.

I desperately needed someone to understand. I desperately needed someone I could sound like I was two .. and rant and rave to ... without their judgement on me.

And she gave me that. She did not get defensive with me .. she did not tell me I was a bad person for being down or for not being enough ... she did not tell me to pull myself together and be a man and go do whatever it took to get Ayguili to give his consent. She took care of the little boy who was crying over his broken toy. She patched up my heart and gave me a cookie and told me a story and made me feel like ... it was all going to be all right no matter what the future held. No matter what the outcome .. not matter what I could do or could not do to fix it .. it was all going to be all right.

fucking bitch

Just made all the things I had decided .. all the ways I had pledged myself and my word to ... that much stronger.

damn her

I hate it when people do not let me drown in my own selfish puddle of woe and self-pity. I was really enjoying my Fine and Pleasant Misery.

fuck