Warmth

My thoughts .. like randomly lighting fireflies against a black velvet backdrop ... no rhythm or rhyme to their pattern. Each one brilliant and sharp .. but without a collective ... hard to pin down as anything but chaos.

I joined others as they relaxed along the bank of the stream. Pleased enough to just be there and listen .. not exactly finding much thought to contribute out of the mess in my head. As I arrived Cana seemed to be asking Sahli to fix a drum for her .. one that had been made by the Mamba .. it made me think of Ogedaii's bitch .. even though she was not Mamba at all ... simply someone they had made over to be for entertainment's sake. Such a world of lies and make believe .. I could not follow it ... their world. But there went my thoughts again .. off on their own trail with no connection to what was going on around me.

Sahli seemed reluctant to touch it .. if it was made from human skin. It amused me a little .. I can not say I blame him. Not that I have any problem touching human skin .. either on or off the body. But it does hold a lot of superstition. And the ook factor can not be dismissed .. it exists for most.

Asria greeted me with an over exuberance that caused a little bit of a catch in my brain. What the fuck .. I think were the literal words used in my thought process. I probably stared at her .. I do not remember if I did or not. But that incongruence was merely one more flicker.

Cana nudged me from my thoughts as she asked to settle near me .. I welcomed her company. I wish I had more time to speak to her alone .. but she is always busy when I see her and I have been reluctant to pull her away from everyone. Sometimes I am driven with no thoughts of others .. driven for a goal. Other times I am simply overwhelmed with them and thoughts of them and I opt for just not intruding. It eases the over stimulated fever of my thoughts.

Cana told me it was good to see me moving better .. I told her.. "slowly but surely". Then she said something else .. "time heals many things ... even wounds". I think she meant more than my physical wounds. I think she was referring to the talk I had with Jaella at the pens. I appreciated it .. whether or not that is what she meant ... I still took the words as more globally comforting.

I told her I had spoken with Tarra .. about the talismans being made for her children. She wanted to make sure also that I was not offended by such .. I had to reiterate to her just as I did Tarra ... why would I? What about the safety and well being of the children would I not be invested in personally? I understand I am hard to get along with sometimes and that I have an abundance of pride .. I just wish there was someone .. sometime ... that would understand how that pride works. Tarra and Mezoo making talismans for Cana's children certainly did not offend me or threaten my pride in any manner nor could I see how it could possibly do so.

Then Cana said she needed to apologize to me. I could not think of what she could be apologizing for so I asked her. She said sometimes she was a little protective of me. Voiced things she probably did not need to .. even things she did not ask me first if I wanted her to voice things over. I tried to tell her that .. honestly that is how family works. I have never had one .. but I have studied them enough to understand that part of it. Perhaps my motivation to understand something I have never had has led me to understand the dynamic even better than those who have it. When family takes care of family there is plenty of room for that protective caring to overstep boundaries and tread on feelings .. even if softly. But despite that fact .. I would not trade Cana .. or others who care about me for anything in the world. I am quite fortunate in that I get to choose my family. I think I have chosen well with Cana .. despite the little things ... the big thing is more than worth it to me. Cana is a treasure to me .. even when she tells people what I need without checking with me first. I love her for it .. even when it irritates me. To me .. that is family.

Mezoo wished to apologize also .. hearing the conversation between I and Cana and said she had felt protective as well. I told her I had not even realized she was having those feelings .. but ... that there was one thing I knew about both of them and that was that they both had my best interest in their hearts. Mezoo is family. And though I do not know her well as a person .. like a friend ... she is family and I know enough that I trust her with my best interests just as I do Cana.

Now if I could just be that understanding with the women in my life. The .. "not so family" ... women.

huh

Speaking of .. Catch arrived at the stream and eased into the warmth of the afternoon. Brought a little of it with her .. a comfort at my side. A feeling of possession that gave me a settled feeling as she knelt and I directed her cheek to my thigh and allowed the touch of my fingers to explore the Central Fire warmed silky richness of her hair.

Silken joined us and then Ash. Silken seems to have lost some of her identity with herself. Her appreciation of herself. I do not know why .. or how ... but I know I do not possess the ability to give it back to her. I know that is not my place and I would not take that place even if I could. I am too easily lost myself. I am too easily distracted and comfortable being alone .. I know by now that I would drive her insane. She has found a connection with Ash .. perhaps because they know the old ways. The ways of years before my time. It must be good to connect with that. With people .. just like it was good to see Sahli and Jaella for me. I hope that something in Ash's memories can help Silken with her darkness. Help connect her to the woman she was .. has been ... and always will be in there some where. The woman we have all grown to like .. even in her tempestuous ways ... learned to look for and find a certain comfort of knowledge in. Even when it makes us want to strangle her.

However .. the highlight of my day .. the part that I believe I found the most comfort in .. was the quiet attention of my slave at my side. The simple enjoyment of touch and the ease which we both existed in each other's space .. despite the frantic sparking of my random and chaotic thoughts.