Frayed ..But Not Broken

The next day I was summoned to the Ubar's wagon. I came as a respectful warrior .. not as second in command .. not as Oralu ... and not as Fonce. I came merely as a Tuchuk warrior hearing and obeying a command given to me.

After all my venting I was not as angry. But there was a distant coldness about me. A coldness that a few know very well .. and a few more are about to learn. I can be an arrogant egotistical selfish prideful asshole.

Sometimes .. all at once.

I had every intention of listening to the Ubar and not getting involved in anything he had to say. What could he say to me now? Would he simply repeat himself proving to me again I had trusted him in vain? Would he apologize to me and expect me to wipe what I had learned of him away and start over? I wanted neither from him. I wanted nothing .. from him. There was no going back for me and I had every intention of simply obeying and not ever allowing him to be privy to my thoughts on the entire thing. I had no intention of letting him have any clue how hurt and angry I was. Not because he had not given me what I wanted .. but for how he had treated me when I would have been satisfied with a simple .. no.

Best laid plans ... I hate it when people are sincere with me. It makes me .. respond ... and shit.

fuck

He said we needed to talk.

huh

Then he asked me if I had a mind to. I told him I had been all about talking .. and I could still be. Not that I intended to talk much .. at all.

"Good. Now, the Ubar will talk first, then I hope the friend can talk. You have sat where I am right now, so I think you know that it is not an easy place to be sometimes. I am a man, and I make my share of mistakes. I will bungle things with the best of them, and I found myself, wanting to make sense out of something, that there was no real sense to, if you can understand that. And in doing that, I think I let the Ubar get in the way of the friend. It can be a hard balance to find. In my effort to be fair to everyone, I think I lost sight of our goal to help Seveya. And I was rude, and for that I want to apologize."

There was nothing in his statement that touched me. It was much how I expected it to be. The initial attempt to connect me to his own actions by mentioning the shared position. To garner my empathy .. make me feel what he felt and then to bring me to his own understanding of how things went. To apologize to me for letting his position get in the way of his friendship with me .. retaining his respect as Ubar .. "forgive me Fonce ... the position is heavy on my shoulders .. blame it on the position .. I was just doing my job". It was an empty apology. It was crafted .. was I not and had I not been a Black Mask for how many years? Was I not aware of this tactic? And it is a tactic and it works .. works very well ... with most people. But I am not most people. I have used this too many times to worm my way like a hungry maggot through rotted flesh into the mind of someone I want answers from. But he left a small bit of bait at the end .. and I took it.

"You were rude? I would like to understand what you are apologizing to me for." As if he could .. since I had yet to hear an apology.

"I don't think I gave you the respect that you deserved, and maybe I didn't listen like I should have."

huh

Was that sincerity?

"No .. that is true ... you did not give me respect as an Oralu .. or as second in command and you certainly gave me nothing as a friend."

fuck if I did not start to respond to it.

"And that is what I am apologizing for, as Ubar. Now, as a friend. I screwed up, and I know it. I cannot put it any simpler than that."

Simple is always better.

There was a glimpse of the man I thought I had known there .. the man I had considered my friend. And it all just started to spill out of my mouth. And there was a lot to spill. Some of it was valid .. some of it was foam .. I am such a sucker for sincerity.

"You made me impotent for a man who is not only recently returned from the dwellers .. but has for the last three days acted like a jilted lover over his niece and set huge fires in the middle of the Harigga to burn all his things. You trimmed my ears in front of him and for him and I was the one trying to talk to him and make this right. right now I am not sure I want this command .. because I do not seem to even have a command. And that is not even getting to the part where you would not take my word as a friend. We are just on the part where you stripped me of all my respect and command .. and I do not see what for .. or why you would do that to me especially in front of a lunatic .. and then command me as Ubar to show him respect that I was actually showing him .. in the face of him refusing to show me respect as a man let alone as an Oralu or second in command of this entire Harigga. "

He winced .. "I know. In all of the time I have known you, not once have you ever given me cause to doubt your word or your honor. I think the whole situation simply overwhelmed me, and I did the wrong thing, and said all of the wrong things."

huh .. well yes .. yes he did. More sincerity? Bastard.

When are you going to back me up .. when are you going to make some pussy ego having crazy man respect an Oralu let alone your second in command?"

"I made a mistake. Can you understand how I came to that? I guess that I had hoped that there was some equity to this all, but I know now there was not. In Karvek, I was dealing with a man that I now think, is not exactly of his right mind, and to be very honest, I am not sure that I want him in this camp, and around the innocents. Hindsight, is often much better than looking at something the first time."

How easily we lose the ground we have so recently attained.

"I do not care what you knew or did not know because you supposedly knew one thing for sure .. you knew my honor .. you knew my word ... and you knew I was worth giving Oralu to and even second in command to. You knew that .. you knew he was not a commander .. you knew he was even new here from the land of dwellers and you knew he was a freak wagon burning psycho. That part .. you knew when it got started. No .. I do not know how you came to make this mistake Ubar .. unless you never believed in me from the beginning when you gave me my command and made me second only to you."

"And that is not the truth. There is not a man in this entire camp that I trust any more than I do you. But for a moment, I was blinded by trying to work something out, and made huge mistakes. I have worried over this ever since we all parted, and I am heartsick over what I have done."

"I .. can not understand how you could be blinded so easily by a mad man .. Ubar." I did not have a hort to give him. I did not possess one. Not about this. I had to trust him .. I had to trust him with my life and the lives of my people. I needed him to either answer for this or I had to walk away.

I think, it is because when he and I talked, he showed no signs of it. He was calm, reasonable and I mistook that for his wanting to work things out. I was wrong. You ever make a mistake, Fonce? One you regretted?"

Here we go again ...

"I can not say I have ever not trusted my commanders .. I would rather make a mistake in their favor than choose an outsider over them. I have my own best interests at heart .. if I am going to make a mistake I make it for them ... not against them. I do not care if he made the best song and dance you everheard or have ever seen I deserved respect from him .. and I deserved you to make him respect me ... instead I got your disrespect on top of it."

"You are right. There is nothing more that I can say, other than that. I made a mistake, stepped the wrong way, and I am trying to find a way to step back in line."

But I was all wound up again and not done venting.

"I am angry as all fucking hell over this not to mention .. why am I the only one concerned for this girl when you are supposed to be her guardian and he is her fucking uncle? I think he has got some sick twisted need ** ***** ******* ** *** because I have never seen a man act like that over his own family unless he was. That aside .. I will not allow you or anyone else to hurtthis girl or make her believe she is a bad person because she made a simplemistake. She is paying for it .. and by the Sky you should understand making a mistake."

"Finally, something we agree on. But I do have one thing to say in all of this. Why did the two of you not come to me, talk to me before it got to the point she felt she had to do what she did?"

Seriously?

"How the hell was I supposed to know she was going to do what she did before she did it? And .. by the Sky I understand why she did not trust you because I am having trouble doing so myself right now. As for her uncle .. she was right. And you have not been seen since she did it .. until I got a hold of you and you dismissed me to talk to Karvek."

"You are right. So, you no longer trust me, does this mean you think that I no longer am able to lead our people?"

I have on patience for defeatism especially in the face of me giving my time and energy and thoughts on a subject. I did not want my loyalty questioned yet again in the face of me accusing him of .. questioning it. If I did not feel he was capable of being Ubar I would never have vented my thoughts to him and given him a chance to make it right with me. I do not think anyone will ever quite .. understand me.

"You can pull your Ubar card and lead them .. whether or not you can earn the respect of your men .. I have some doubts unless you pull something out that counteracts yesterday. No man will trust a leader who turns on them on the first sign of idiocy and you can get all fired up about my words .. you can get mad at me .. but you owe me. You owe me respect .. you owe me apologies .. you owe me trust. That is how you will earn mine back."

"So where do we go from here?"

But I was still too angry about the question of my loyalty again and whether or not I thought he was fit to be Ubar.

"You tell me .. what do you want from me? You want me to step down .. you can have Karvek in my place. Or do you want me to do what I do .. are you going to back me up? Are you going to show me and everyone else that I am trusted and respected as Oralu and second in command? What do those positions mean to you? Am I a lap sleen you can whistle for and then whip at your leisure? Or am a man with power .. given to me by another man who believes I deserve that kind of power and respect?"

"I tell you what I want. I want this poor woman that I know is in turmoil over this entire situation, to be instilled back to her place at the first fires. I want to be allowed to be her guardian again, and to have the trust of not only her, but of you. I want for her to feel safe and secure, and I want to stand beside you both in the days ahead that we all know are going to be difficult. Perhaps in doing that, I can regain a part of your trust. As for you, all I can say is that I made a mistake, and I still trust you with my life, and the life of every man, woman and child in this camp."

That stopped me .. dead in my tracks. Sincerity. Protectiveness .. words about someone else that needed both of us to work together. It was what I had been after in the first place. It was what I had sought for and expected from him. My hurts no longer felt so important or so big. This is all I wanted. It was everything I needed. I set down all my shields and weapons .. to not do so would have been to sacrifice the one person I was all wound up about in the entire thing. Sacrifice her for my own ego .. which was not my intent or inclination. My ego can take a few blows .. it is rather large and healthy.

I accepted the hand offered to me. Without reserve. The trust between Ayguili and I was tested .. frayed ... but not broken. Ayguili and I put our heads together at that point and began to plot and plan for her well being. Not because she had not made mistakes .. but in spite of them. And what followed was the business of men .. as they discussed the future of a woman.