So stop whining Fonce. They are not going to help you. Pull up your big boy pants and fuck them and the kaiila they rode in on. You do not need them. You do not need their fears.. doubts and hatred to make this any harder than it will be. You will do the best you can and stand on your own two feet and give it all you have and .. come what may. You always do. Set aside your bitterness and anger .. set aside the bile you had to swallow before it builds again and eats away at the backside of your teeth. It is not worth it. Did you learn nothing from the verr?Verr? It was Oren .. Oren's voice inside my head. The verr comment gave it away even if the "fuck them" kind of threw me off. Oren .. you sly sleen.
HA .. I amuse myself.
Someone telling you not to be angry and bitter does not just make that bile go away though. Even if it is their voice all ready inside your head. It just does not happen that easily or quickly. But the words had implanted themselves like seeds .. I could get through this. I could not only get through this .. I could get through this without hating either Karvek or Ayguili. I do not always set myself up for such lofty goals .. kudos to me.
I want my cookie.
Oren .. that is exactly who I needed and I strode back towards my wagons with a purpose. I am sure Seveya saw that particular stride coming and I bet she knew it was all about purpose. There was still a fair amount of bitter anger displayed in my expression and in the set of my shoulders. Fair being a word I use loosely. They say that scars hide expressions .. figured my scars were doing a poor job of it this day. They just had to be. I grabbed her hand and drug her off with me. With .. being a word I use loosely.
She was with me about like a wagon is with a team of psychotic runaway bosk with their tails on fire.
I do not even remember all the things I said to her. All that fell out of my mouth. I am sure it was not mature or good or right or well thought out. It just .. was. It was all the foam spilling over the side as the situation whipped my temper into a fury. If I knew I was going to be on my own with this .. I could have set this whole thing up days ago. Natural consequences for breaking my own rule .. do not rely on others.
Somewhere on the way she must have said or done something because she ended up being thrown over my shoulder. I am missing a few pieces of the whole thing. The in and out of my temper and my strain to control it. It finally soaked into my brain she was asking what the outcome of my talk with the Ubar was. I told her she was free. Ironically as I slung her body over my shoulder and drug her around without her consent. She was .. sort of ... free. Free to do what I wanted her to do at the moment while I did the things that were in her best interest.
smirk
She asked me why I was angry. Did I not want this? Well of course I wanted this .. had I not spoken to her of it? Had I not gotten her word she would not resubmit for at least three hands ... giving me a chance to make her feel safe enough to make her choice with no fear? Why was she asking me that now? Probably because she had no idea why I was so pissed off ..
huh
I presented her to Oren. Right there at her fires. As if I was not barging in and interrupting everything with my own selfish needs and demands. At this point I dared her to align herself with everyone else and stand against me. She usually takes the fight right out of me and this instance was no different. She did not stand with me .. she did not stand against me ... she did not even act surprised as I dropped off some woman at her fires in a temper. She acted as if I did this sort of thing all the time and simply went about being Oren. Sucked all the bile and piss right out of me. For the moment.
"Oren this is Sev.." But I never even got the rest of her name out.
"I know who this is, Fonce, stop stomping around and hush for a moment while I get the child comfortable." Then she proceeded to do just that and bustled up a cup of tea for her. I could smell it. Obnoxious stuff. Meant to calm nerves. And she gave it to Seveya .. I was the one that needed it
... damn it.
"Now Fonce .. tell me what is going on and try to do so without your foul language .. if at all possible."
No foul language? What happened to the "fuck them and the kaiila they rode in on"? Wait .. that was my version of Oren. I opened my mouth to speak but then I had to mentally back up a few spaces .. like a day or two worth of spaces. fuck.
"Seveya submitted to me." huh .. probably should have backed up a few spaces more.
"That's nice, Fonce .. and?"
I squinted at her.. then I grunted. "And I think it was a bad idea." Why did Oren always make me feel like I was two. I think I will sick Oren on Karvek. This idea entertained me in the back of my mind.
"I see. You do not wish the child? Why not send her back to her guardian?""Yes .. no ... I do not want her like that."
"On her knees?"
"No .. yes ... Sky damn it Oren ... she did it because she was afraid her uncle would mate her off to some Tummit guy who does not deserve her."
I tried to tell her about that afternoon .. my talk with Ayguili and Karvek but it all came out upside down and backwards and with a lot of bad words. All she did was tell me to watch how I spoke of our Ubar. I called him a nasty name .. called his parentage into question. Told Oren both the Ubar and Karvek sucked at protecting anyone. Probably inferred a few things about their sexual preferences .. might not have even been within our species. In my defense .. it was all very creative.
Oren cut through it all and told me I should have brought Seveya to her earlier .. that I was remiss. But that all was well .. the child was here and she would be fine. Sucked all the fight right out of me .. still had a few creative things to say about Ayguili and Karvek though. That one was definitely out of our species .. not even close.
Oren told me to get Seveya a wagon and all the things she would need. I apologized to Oren for not bringing Seveya to her first. For being selfish and arrogant. Oren patted me on my arm and told me not to mind it .. that we would make the best of it now.
I was finding I was rather empty inside without all my anger .. and then Catch arrived with some of Seveya's things. A skirt .. some boots. I got mad all over again. Yelled at Catch to return the things to Karvek. This time all the creative sexual positions preferred by Ayguili and Karvek involved forest creatures. I thought that was exceptionally creative and felt wronged when no one even reacted. I worked hard on that one .. damn it.
I think it was the forest creatures .. Oren left with a swish of her heavy leather skirting and went about preparing a place for Seveya for the night .. to speak to the Artisan Clan .. and do all the things I knew she would do for me. All the reasons I brought Seveya here in the first place. I knew Oren would have the answers and make me feel like I was two .. in the way a mother does. The kind of two where someone is going to take care of things for me .. better than I can ... do it the right way and I can just go eat my cookie and take a nap and know it is all in good hands. That kind of two.
I needed someone to believe in .. I needed someone to believe in me. I needed some of my faith restored. I needed someone to just take my word and without patronizing me .. give me some credit for all I have been and all I am and for what I was trying to do without lecturing me. Well .. save for my detailed descriptions about sexual liaisons with forest creatures. That lecture I expected .. and wanted. Made me feel safe and warm and ... home.
I apologized to Seveya for not getting her all the things I thought she deserved. For being impotent in my position. She told me she risked it all for a reason and she would make new memories and new things. I told her I did not think that was fair. Seveya is much more mature than I am.
Although I am not done testing that .. I have a few things up my sleeve.
She asked me why the Ubar would not protect her. I told her he had not said he would not protect her. I told her he had wanted me to present and parade her for questioning and I would not do so. I would not submit her to the accusations being slung about by both men. I did not have to. The Ubar had demanded I bring Seveya for questioning. He had that right .. but he would do so in the presence of her guardian. A guardian who cared about her as a person. I explained my anger to her .. as best I could. The entire thing leaving me empty inside once again.
I never wanted this entertainer's drama to sweep through the Harigga. In fact it was my very attempts to avoid it that got me in this mess in the first place. I never wanted to feel so protective of Seveya .. but the fact remains I am ferociously so now. I never wanted to be backed into a corner .. fighting for what I believed to be right against my own friends .. but I suppose if they were my friends I would not have to do so. I never wanted Seveya to be free .. I wanted to keep her right there where she was safe and I could possess her. I never wanted Seveya to be a slave. Where anyone and their sleen can lay their hands on her and I have to nod and say .. that is the way of things.
I am no better off today knowing what I want than I was yesterday. I know more about what I do not want though .. and today Seveya is safe with Oren and I know she will be taken care of.
There is that.
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