Full .. of it

Today I learned a lot about the woman .. Seveya. Today I learned about her wants and desires and ambitions. I learned she does not want to be a slave .. but that she was willing to give up her wants for me. She does not understand .. what it is to be a slave. I know that now. I knew it then .. but there was a part of me that wanted to accept what she gave me for several reasons. Not the least of them being .. because it was easy. Because it was comfortable. Because it meant I did not need to understand it or give it my concentration .. it would no longer be a problem to figure out. I would just be able to accept it and go from there. She would not threaten me .. my comfort. I could shove her into the slave wagon if I got claustrophobic and be done with it. Keep her on my terms .. allow what I wanted when I wanted and only what I wanted. She could make no demands on me .. for anything.

And there is something to that .. when a man is comfortable he allows things he normally might not. Allows glimpses .. intimacies. A slave knows things about a man that perhaps no one else does. I can see how that is attractive to a woman that wants to have .. everything ... from a man. And who is willing to offer .. everything ... to get it.

But today she admitted to me .. who she really is beneath it all. Without the fear of loss ... without the desire for ... everything. Stripped of all that .. she is a free woman .. a Tuchuk free woman. Spirited and strong .. strong enough to submit .. and honest enough to learn that is not where she belongs. A woman who learns .. who is honest enough to admit she can learn from her mistakes without defending them to the death because she is afraid to look bad. I like that. There is hope there. I must value hope when I am fortunate to come across it.

Today she gave me her word she would never again sacrifice herself. Who she is .. for me or anyone else. Today she gave me her promise to preserve that part of her .. no matter what. That setting aside who she was as a free woman to get something she is afraid she might lose otherwise .. is not the answer. That I would not be worth that sacrifice if I ever asked for it .. or accepted it.

There was a comfort .. for me ... in her promise .... I know my own capability to ask for things I should not.

I must value that I can talk to her .. and figure out how to understand her. That I do not rage at her .. much ... yet. I am sure that will come .. it always does. That is the only thing that holds me back .. reins me in... a little. My capacity for abuse .. my tendency to defile that which I need the most. Today I learned that I would .. defile her. Today I learned that I most likely will .. if she is not careful... perhaps even if she is. That she is someone who can and does inspire things in me that I am not proud of. That I am afraid of .. afraid of because of the power there. I respect it like I do a warrior who has bested me in battle .. bested me ... but I am still alive and he is still planning on killing me and I can either run away or pick up my lance and figure it out.

I am not running away.

Today I learned that Seveya is full of belief .. and hope ... and love. That she has all those things that sift through my fingers like grains of sand. Full of that black sticky tar that stains whatever it touches and leaves a mark behind that can not be washed away no matter how much I scrub at it. No matter how much I rage at it and try to destroy it .. it exists with a power that is beyond my own to tear it down. Her depth is beyond my comprehension. Her capacity is beyond my ability to measure. I weep for its beauty even while my fingers dig and tear into its flesh in my destructive attempts to understand and know it .. and prove it to be fallible .. and mortal.

Today .. despite the wounds I tore into her ... she stood steady and calm. Today despite the threats .. despite the dawning of her understanding of what I am capable of ... she moved towards me. She saw a flicker .. a glimpse ... of the heights and breadths and depths I will go to. And she still touched me.

Touched me with this thing I call ... love.