When I finally found Ayguili I wanted to speak to him .. not as my Ubar but as Seveya's guardian and my friend. Not that I ever forget his position .. but I did not want to speak to the position. I wanted to speak to Ayguili .. the man. Did I have to? Fuck no. I wanted to. There was no letter of the law that said I had to .. no ... this was adherence to my own rules. The spirit of the law.
I was ignorantly blind. I had placed faith where I had not even realized I placed faith. I had assumed where there was to be no reward for that assumption. I hate it when I do that. I hate it when I am believing in someone and I do not even realize I am. Sets me up for a nasty shock.
I hate that.
And people wonder why I am the way I am.
I did not get a chance to speak to Ayguili the man. I got to speak to the Ubar. I got to speak to the position. Not only that but I got to speak to the position as if the position had no idea of who I am as a man .. as a commander ... or as second in command at his right hand. I was treated as a stranger. Stripped of my command and of my respect. As if I had never earned my first courage scar and I had presented myself before the Ubar of the Tuchuk as an unnamed unscarred wet behind the ears boy.
Took me several moments to realize what I walked into. But when I did .. I did what any mere warrior does in the face of a commander. I said .. yes Commander .. no Commander... as you wish commander. You want me to charge that fucking hill and send my men and I into certain death? Why commander .. you know best ... let me get right on that for you.
Today Ayguili was Ba'atar's brother. I know how to obey a command without respect. Any warrior does. We are not a democracy. We do not vote for our Ubar and choose a man we respect and "want" to follow. We are a militaristic society and we obey. We obey our commanders or we die. The whole will devour the individual. There is no place for individualism on the battlefield. There is obedience. A chain of obedience. But the most successful commanders. The most followed and the ones that inspire great deeds from men ... are the ones who couple that demand for obedience with respect.
What was I going to do? Stomp my foot like a child .. even though I was being treated like one ... and say ... I quit the Tuchuk? I quit my life .. my blood .. my soul ... my future ... and what? I walk away to join the dwellers? Be a Tuchuk unto myself upon the plains? Pack my things like a jealous angry woman and move into another wagon?
Seriously?
My ideas of Tuchuk and Tribe did not change with the change of the Grays. My ideas of who I am as a Tuchuk and what I live for and die for .. do not change with the amount of respect I have for the man sitting on them. My loyalty knows no human failing. There is only .. Tuchuk. There is no Ayguili or Fonce or Seveya .. or anyone else. There is only Tribe. Barring what I would consider as treason from the Ubar ... I will obey and do so swiftly and with the intent to carry out what has been commanded of me to the best of my ability.
My respect however .. is mortal. I can be lost. It can see and despise and turn away from with no forgiveness. My respect can be lost. And it was.
There is my pride. There is no force of nature .. man or beast ... that can take my pride or force me to bend my knee. Obey? Yes. Submit? Never.
There is my friendship. That of me which transcends what I owe you from one Tuchuk to another. I can be polite to you .. and hate you with every core of my being while I am. You can not make me like you.
I tried to talk to Ayguili. Between men. He dismissed me to speak to Karvek. To sit around with my thumb up my ass as he chose to make a political statement out of the entire situation without hearing me out. Did he have to do that as the Ubar? Of course not and I obeyed him as I should. Did I expect him to give me that respect as his second in command? Unfortunately I did. I know better now.
When Ayguili summoned me again to the conversation between him and Karvek. He asked me .. did I not bring Seveya? Why should I? I was here out of respect for Ayguili .. not out of any law that said I had to be. I told Ayguili strait up .. I would not bring her unless I was assured of her safety. This was between men. Or I thought it was. He said he would give me his word of her safety .. was that not good enough? Well .. no. No ... it was not. I was there out of a naive and boyish wish to make this whole thing just a little better for Seveya and I in the long run. I had a favor to ask Ayguili .. not the Ubar. But if that request was to be denied ... I told them both I was perfectly capable of handling the situation on my own without either one of them. It was that naive .. childish wish to do it the "better" way that had brought me here. Not any doubt in my own ability to problem solve this all on my own. Either I was going to get a yes .. or a no to my request. I saw no reason to hash it over. Was my word not enough? Was my word as Fonce .. supposedly Ayguili's friend .. enough? Was word as Oralu .. not enough? Was my word as the second in command at Ayguili's side .. not enough?
No .. I am afraid it was not. I live and learn. Yes I am also rather bitter about it .. thank you for asking. Ayguili had made me give him my word I would speak to him about such things .. as a man. He told me that was the very essence of what he wanted and needed in a commander. Communication. That he would at least hear me out. I made sure he felt that way before I accepted it. He lied.
He asked me .. had I not considered that her submission was due to more than just fear of what her uncle would do to her? I knew exactly what this was about and I told him so. I know what fears geared this wagon train up to full speed. And I told them no I was not turning her over to be punished for them any more than she all ready had been. Why? Because I did not have to. She was mine. I told Ayguili .. I had come seeking a favor ... in my attempt to right a wrong in the best way I could think of. Either I would be granted this or I would not. It really was a yes or no kind of thing. I was forcing it to be a yes or no kind of thing. It was not a .. you have to listen to all the reasons why we do not think it is a good idea ... kind of thing. It was not a .. listen to all the bad things we want to say about Seveya .. kind of thing. I knew the good and bad all ready .. it was for and in spite of them that I had come to speak to Ayguili in the first place. Ayguili then asked me if I wanted to call in my favor he owed me.
That is when I started to lose my temper. How dare he drag Mezoo into this? How dare he compare the situations. My Mezoo? Fuck him and his favors. Fuck him and his feelings for Mezoo .. I no longer believed in them. I asked him if that was the only way I would get what I wanted from him...
Danger
Could he not see the protective anger in my eyes? This time it was not for Seveya .. it was for Mezoo. Did he not realize how close he was to never earning that bride price? How easily I held that future in my hand and all he was doing was dragging Mezoo through the mud of this situation? Mezoo had nothing to do with this .. nothing. She was innocent of any of this embroiled drama ... fucking hell I was mad clear through.
Ayguili then preserved his future by telling me that no .. he did no intend on forcing me to call in "that" favor.
I was ignorantly blind. I had placed faith where I had not even realized I placed faith. I had assumed where there was to be no reward for that assumption. I hate it when I do that. I hate it when I am believing in someone and I do not even realize I am. Sets me up for a nasty shock.
I hate that.
And people wonder why I am the way I am.
I did not get a chance to speak to Ayguili the man. I got to speak to the Ubar. I got to speak to the position. Not only that but I got to speak to the position as if the position had no idea of who I am as a man .. as a commander ... or as second in command at his right hand. I was treated as a stranger. Stripped of my command and of my respect. As if I had never earned my first courage scar and I had presented myself before the Ubar of the Tuchuk as an unnamed unscarred wet behind the ears boy.
Took me several moments to realize what I walked into. But when I did .. I did what any mere warrior does in the face of a commander. I said .. yes Commander .. no Commander... as you wish commander. You want me to charge that fucking hill and send my men and I into certain death? Why commander .. you know best ... let me get right on that for you.
Today Ayguili was Ba'atar's brother. I know how to obey a command without respect. Any warrior does. We are not a democracy. We do not vote for our Ubar and choose a man we respect and "want" to follow. We are a militaristic society and we obey. We obey our commanders or we die. The whole will devour the individual. There is no place for individualism on the battlefield. There is obedience. A chain of obedience. But the most successful commanders. The most followed and the ones that inspire great deeds from men ... are the ones who couple that demand for obedience with respect.
What was I going to do? Stomp my foot like a child .. even though I was being treated like one ... and say ... I quit the Tuchuk? I quit my life .. my blood .. my soul ... my future ... and what? I walk away to join the dwellers? Be a Tuchuk unto myself upon the plains? Pack my things like a jealous angry woman and move into another wagon?
Seriously?
My ideas of Tuchuk and Tribe did not change with the change of the Grays. My ideas of who I am as a Tuchuk and what I live for and die for .. do not change with the amount of respect I have for the man sitting on them. My loyalty knows no human failing. There is only .. Tuchuk. There is no Ayguili or Fonce or Seveya .. or anyone else. There is only Tribe. Barring what I would consider as treason from the Ubar ... I will obey and do so swiftly and with the intent to carry out what has been commanded of me to the best of my ability.
My respect however .. is mortal. I can be lost. It can see and despise and turn away from with no forgiveness. My respect can be lost. And it was.
There is my pride. There is no force of nature .. man or beast ... that can take my pride or force me to bend my knee. Obey? Yes. Submit? Never.
There is my friendship. That of me which transcends what I owe you from one Tuchuk to another. I can be polite to you .. and hate you with every core of my being while I am. You can not make me like you.
I tried to talk to Ayguili. Between men. He dismissed me to speak to Karvek. To sit around with my thumb up my ass as he chose to make a political statement out of the entire situation without hearing me out. Did he have to do that as the Ubar? Of course not and I obeyed him as I should. Did I expect him to give me that respect as his second in command? Unfortunately I did. I know better now.
When Ayguili summoned me again to the conversation between him and Karvek. He asked me .. did I not bring Seveya? Why should I? I was here out of respect for Ayguili .. not out of any law that said I had to be. I told Ayguili strait up .. I would not bring her unless I was assured of her safety. This was between men. Or I thought it was. He said he would give me his word of her safety .. was that not good enough? Well .. no. No ... it was not. I was there out of a naive and boyish wish to make this whole thing just a little better for Seveya and I in the long run. I had a favor to ask Ayguili .. not the Ubar. But if that request was to be denied ... I told them both I was perfectly capable of handling the situation on my own without either one of them. It was that naive .. childish wish to do it the "better" way that had brought me here. Not any doubt in my own ability to problem solve this all on my own. Either I was going to get a yes .. or a no to my request. I saw no reason to hash it over. Was my word not enough? Was my word as Fonce .. supposedly Ayguili's friend .. enough? Was word as Oralu .. not enough? Was my word as the second in command at Ayguili's side .. not enough?
No .. I am afraid it was not. I live and learn. Yes I am also rather bitter about it .. thank you for asking. Ayguili had made me give him my word I would speak to him about such things .. as a man. He told me that was the very essence of what he wanted and needed in a commander. Communication. That he would at least hear me out. I made sure he felt that way before I accepted it. He lied.
He asked me .. had I not considered that her submission was due to more than just fear of what her uncle would do to her? I knew exactly what this was about and I told him so. I know what fears geared this wagon train up to full speed. And I told them no I was not turning her over to be punished for them any more than she all ready had been. Why? Because I did not have to. She was mine. I told Ayguili .. I had come seeking a favor ... in my attempt to right a wrong in the best way I could think of. Either I would be granted this or I would not. It really was a yes or no kind of thing. I was forcing it to be a yes or no kind of thing. It was not a .. you have to listen to all the reasons why we do not think it is a good idea ... kind of thing. It was not a .. listen to all the bad things we want to say about Seveya .. kind of thing. I knew the good and bad all ready .. it was for and in spite of them that I had come to speak to Ayguili in the first place. Ayguili then asked me if I wanted to call in my favor he owed me.
That is when I started to lose my temper. How dare he drag Mezoo into this? How dare he compare the situations. My Mezoo? Fuck him and his favors. Fuck him and his feelings for Mezoo .. I no longer believed in them. I asked him if that was the only way I would get what I wanted from him...
Danger
Could he not see the protective anger in my eyes? This time it was not for Seveya .. it was for Mezoo. Did he not realize how close he was to never earning that bride price? How easily I held that future in my hand and all he was doing was dragging Mezoo through the mud of this situation? Mezoo had nothing to do with this .. nothing. She was innocent of any of this embroiled drama ... fucking hell I was mad clear through.
Ayguili then preserved his future by telling me that no .. he did no intend on forcing me to call in "that" favor.
nice save
Then Karvek decided to enter the conversation and told Ayguili since this involved him .. he felt he should know what this favor was. I was going to kill someone. I told Karvek that I could not see how this involved him at all. Was he not out of it? Had he not declared himself out of it? But .. here was me being good guy Fonce again. I told him if he cared to ask me what it was .. I would share it with him. I still had this fantasy .. naive ... fuck I am so naive ... I had this fantasy that he was hurt and if I tried to involve him ... it would help.
He informed me he had not asked me .. he had asked the Ubar. Really? Seriously? Is Karvek two? ... As you wish Karvek.
Then Ayguili told me I was not aware of all the things that had taken place and I needed to hear Karvek out. For what? His conscience? He had treated Seveya the way he had .. for this reason and that reason and when she did not do what he wanted he tried to kill her? I did not .. do not care. The man does not interest me. He is no longer involved. He has declared himself .. not involved in big red angry letters across Seveya's face and this Harigga .. and I am more than inclined to support his right to make a choice. Life is full of them. I told Ayguili .. I would do as he bid me but Karvek was not speaking to me. I was serious .. I was not being sarcastic. Was really not sure how to go about listening to .. nothing.
Ayguili then told us both to put our egos away. Seriously? I had not even gotten my ego out yet .. brother. You will know it when I do ... and this was so not it. Ayguili then commanded me .. as Ubar ... to listen. Upon being commanded I no longer leaned on the wagon wheel .. this was no longer a conversation between men. I straitened to attention and kept my responses clear .. concise and respectful ... as any warrior.
Karvek said that Seveya was not being forced into anything. The man had shown interest and had asked about her bride price. That Seveya had been informed that she would mate whomever met her bride price. Ayguili asked him if Seveya had any fear that he would be forcing her into this any time in the near future. Karvek replied .. only if her bride price were met by Tumka or any other man.
Did Ayguili just hear that? Did Ayguili not just hear that Seveya had every right in the world to fear she would be mated to Tumka as soon as Tumka met the bride price? That she had been told as much? That Karvek would expect her to mate Tumka as soon as he did .. as soon as any man did?
no
Ayguili then commanded me to apologize to Karvek for not speaking to him of Seveya. Did I not know that was wrong? I told Ayguili that no .. I had not known that was wrong. I had no intentions with Seveya other than what I had spoken of with her guardian. But I did as I was commanded and apologized to Karvek .. why? Because the Ubar's word is law and if it was not law five seconds before that? It certainly was now and ignorance of the law is not an excuse. I gave my word that if I had intentions towards a woman in the future I would not only speak to her guardian but I would also speak to her male relatives. I had not .. even ... had .... intentions.
It got worse from there. In the end I told them both I had no inspiration to turn Seveya over to anyone. That it was painfully clear to me that I was actually the only one that had her interests in mind. I was not out to disown her while still involving myself in her life .. taking everything she had and trying to destroy her and it while pretending she did not exist. I was not attempting to dig out her innocence or guilt before I tried to protect her. I was simply trying to protect the girl as best I could in the only way I knew how. I was trying to protect her despite her innocence or guilt .. protect her from herself if need be. I was the only one putting any value in her as a person despite what she had done. I was not the one calling her an animal and a liar and a whore. I was not the one trying to please everyone at the same time and accusing her of crimes against her uncle. I was just a man .. trying to set right something that had gone wrong ... and protect a woman from her own misguided notions that she had to do this for her own survival and happiness. All they were doing is proving that she had every right not to trust either one of them. And I thought she was wrong .. I know better now. I told them both it was a damned good thing she was in my hands and not their's anymore. I wanted to protect her choices. As much choice as we give any Tuchuk free woman .. which is a lot actually. Much more than they deserve sometimes .. but that is off subject.
I just wanted someone to help me. Someone .. please ... to help me preserve this innocence. This purity of thought and value that had accidentally fallen from the Sky at my feet. Do not make me do this alone .. I will fuck it up. I always do. I will leave my dirty fingerprints all over it. It will never be the same ... I just wanted someone to
..help me.
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