Melody of Change

I had come to the fires .. dusty and dry and needing water. A lot of water. Everyone greeted me normally .. as they usually do. Except Asria. Who grinned at me and greeted me with an over exuberant bubbling of excitement. I took a few more drinks of water .. I had a feeling I was going to need it.

She said she wanted to talk to me .. figures. Ayguili asked her if it were not something she needed to speak to her guardian about. I am not sure why he said that .. perhaps he thought Asria forgot who her guardian was ... but I know for a fact Asria will never forget that. I was there for her reaction .. it is not something that is going to just .. slip her mind. In fact .. she likes to remember it ... just for spite.

So we stepped aside and I took my usual lean on one of the large rear wheels of a supply wagon. Black gaze resting on her waiting to hear .. this one. I was not exactly warm and fuzzy with Asria since our tangle about love and trust and my complete loss of sanity accompanied by a few "fuck offs" and her promises of never "fucking off" and yet .. her subsequent and thoroughly predictable "missing in action" .. which is a lot like "fucking off".

I was not expecting to like what she had to say or enjoy our conversation or .. get along at all. She asked how I was and I gave the standard answer of "all right" which is standard and for the most part true. She arched her brow at me as if she did not believe me and then told me she was there for me.

huh

There for me for anything I might need from her even things she might not like to be there for. Which .. taken at face value is worth a lot and I thanked her for it .. but like I said our last conversation was still ringing in my ears and that simple statement was not cutting through the din much.

She told me she would not ask about my personal business .. I could tell there was a lot behind that statement .. more than she wished me to realize. She told me she would never forget it .. that she was there for me. She told me that she would be there for me even when I made her disgustingly angry. "Disgustingly angry" .. I needed to remember that ... I liked it. I told her that meant something. And though my tone was rather distant I did mean my words.

I waited to hear what she had to say .. the original reason she pulled me aside. She let the silence hang there for a moment before she spoke. She told me she had been to the Clan fires .. had spoken to them about the fact the calendars did not speak to her. She had told them about the children and the stories. She told me about some disagreement between the Elders about where she belonged .. with the Year Keepers or with the Singers. I asked her .. what did she think? Figured that was the important question to start off with.

She told me she did not want to tell me what she thought until I gave her my own thoughts .. because they were important to her ... my thoughts. I explained that we had tried this before and it had not gone very well and I was not going to risk it again at this point .. so she could go ahead and talk and I would then let her know my opinions or .. well ... that was her only option.

She asked me if I had ever heard her tell stories .. I had in passing. She told me that she thought the Clan of Singers was a feminine Clan .. I told her I did not think so at all but then I was slightly biased. She told me she did not like calendars and they did not like her but she wanted to be a Singer. I told her that I was not surprised .. it is rare that when we do something solely based on the ideas of another that it lasts much after the other stops putting all the energy into it. So no .. I was not surprised her energy no longer drove her towards the Year Keepers now that Trayu was there to inspire it. I then asked her if she liked to sing. Figured that would be the next important question to the equation. She said yes .. she did very much and though she was not great at it yet she figured that liking it was more important than just talent. To which I agreed.

However I reserve my opinion of Asria as a Singer until I actually hear her sing. And though I would still consider her a Singer .. even if she can not sing ... it is not something I am going to be pushing for her to do around anyone that is not tone deaf.

She told me she had wanted and needed my approval and I assured her that she had it. She touched me and kissed me on the cheek ... and I smirked .. told her this was a good change for her ... a mature one that showed a little thought and planning outside her life with Trayu. Which of course I thought was a good thing.

She told me I was hard to crack. Now that could mean several things.. and I told her so ... I told her that really depended on what she wanted from me. She described to me a crack .. a crack she would be able to slip in passed my guard .. a crack I would simply turn around one day and find her in and I would be happy about it when I did. I told her basically .. good luck ... with the kissing on the cheek and touching my arm thing. It just did not compare to a slave begging rape and rubbing her wet pussy on my thigh. I am not saying that has happened recently .. not recently enough honestly ... but my point was still valid that when a man is faced with women who are free to seek his attention in very dramatic and exposed ways .. a peck on the cheek or a touch on the arm is just friendly. It is not what is going to make me look at her as anyone other than Trayu's widow .. because that is how she acts.

Well that is how she acts when she is not trying to piss me off.

She asked me .. how to get my attention like that .. as a woman and not just a friend and I told her I really did not know. Would be easier for me if I had some kind of clue and I could just hand out instructions. But that is not the case and I am just as much in the dark about how to get my attention than anyone else is. It is rare that I "feel" that connection with someone. It is rare that I "feel" the desire to seek .. to find ... to take and make my own. For that matter it is rare that I feel at all besides the rush of my temper.

Then she told me she hoped that the way to get my attention was not .. submitting to me.

huh

So every woman out there really does think that is what I want and what I think I need. When it is not the case .. not the case at all. Fuck .. I really needed to think this through and think about the way I have been communicating with women because they just are not understanding me in the least. I felt bad .. felt a pang of guilt for Seveya and I became even more convinced I was the agent in her misstep with me and her future. It humbled me a little to be the orchestrator of such drama and pain .. even the falling down of the relationship between her and her uncle. Not because I did not believe Karvek held his own responsibilities there ... but that I had any hand in her misunderstanding of what she herself wanted or desired for herself out of the future .. a future she was pretty damn sure involved me ... or at least should.

Could I blame the woman for wanting to conform herself to fit me .. in any way she could to accommodate for my own weaknesses .. my own scars and cracks in my soul? Well yes .. yes I could and I had some words for her about then. But they would have to wait because I was busy assuring Asria that I did not need a woman to submit to me to be a part of my life. Sky help me if Asria submitted on top of everything else I was going to ask for a patrol that took me as far as Ar. But Asria was assuring me just as much as I was assuring her .. that it was not even possible for her to do something like that. And I was reassured .. indeed.

No Zot. That means there is a charge building somewhere with my name on it.

figures

I want a woman to be true to herself and to be who she is .. and be that person for me and in spite of me. I need something solid to believe in .. something I can look at and it is true to form whenever I look at it ... because I am a man who loses his faith on a regular basis and I need her to know where to find it. To maintain .. even when I can not. How could women not know that about me? How could this be such a universal misunderstanding. It had to be my fault .. once or twice would could have been coincidence but .. this many times? Sky preserve me .. but I am not that stupid that I can not see the obvious signs that this is all .. me.

huh

Anyway .. it was a good talk with Asria .. we did not argue or get angry ... she did not lose her faith and I kept my temper. It was a positive step for both of us. Perhaps standing on the rock of Ayguili has given her a secure place to deal with me from. Whatever the case her improved solidity was nice to experience. I sent her off to Ayguili to tell/ask him about the clan switch .. and told her she was free to tell him that I thought it was a good idea. And I do .. I think this melody of change is rather pleasant.