Without Love ..

.. there is no key
there is no future
and what I feel
must be put away

.. knowing is not enough

Finally .. I found the Ubar. He was sitting by the stream with a host of paga skins surrounding him .. I asked him if he was celebrating or forgetting .. he said he was just drinking.

Well .. right on ... I was still all jacked up on my high and feeling the groove and .. happy.

figures

He offered me a bota and I took it .. dropping down to sit by the edge of the stream ... and then I just shot strait to the point. I told him I had set Mezoo's bride price AND I had come to ask for Seveya's.

There it was .. all wrapped up and tied off in a nice little package and I was grinning wickedly for I thought I had come up with the best bride price for Mezoo .. something that I thought was better than anything I had ever heard of before and would be so clear to everyone about how I felt about her and how much I valued her. It was part of my .. high.

Ayguili arched a brow at me .. like I was two. Was I still sporting my fresh cheeked excitement? I suppose I was .. then he said .. "I thought you told me you didn't love her."

Well yes .. I did. But what did that have to do with anything? Bride prices are not set by love .. they are set by standards of value and with a father's intent to care for his family. Both his daughter .. by finding a man capable of protecting her and providing for her ... and for his own family by extending their wealth by way of their daughter. Love is a nice bonus .. if it happens.

I was about to be set strait on my assumptions.

Ayguili asked me .. if that had changed. I told him .. no ... I could not speak of love but I could speak of my mind .. that it had been made and I knew what I wanted.

And here I expected Ayguili to be all as excited as I was about the fact that I .. knew ... what I wanted. Did he not understand what that was all about for me? what it meant .. to me? Had we not spoken of this?

"Now, let me get this straight, friend to friend. You have come to ask for a bride price, on my ward, that you do not love. That it?"

From his tone .. from his choice of words I began to get the idea I was not getting my point across very well .. and that I had somehow lost Ayguili. "Yes .. that is it."

He asked me if I knew what I was getting into. I told him yes .. probably better than he did himself. How many women had I been around .. with ... in different ways? But .. here .. now ... I knew.

I knew

But he did not get it .. did not get it at all. He told me what I felt was possessiveness and not love .. or caring. But had I not proven I cared for her more than anyone? Including him? What gave him the right to be self-righteous with me now? I was not trying to pass off what I felt as love .. I was not trying to hide anything or disguise what I felt as anything but what it was. But it was more than possessiveness .. it was more than a fleeting desire to have something that would fade or change. Did he not know me better than that? Was I not the one he relied on to be the Oralu .. Second in Command? Perhaps he was forgetting who I was again .. as he had before. Perhaps he was forgetting my loyalty .. my honor. Was that not .. all of it ... a part of me? A part of my decisions and .. since when did I do this lightly? How many woman had I done this with over the years? Had I not shown that I knew my own mind when I said I did?

I tried to explain it to him .. getting rather desperate for him to have some understanding. Not because I felt like I might die without getting what I wanted .. but because I was disappointed he did not understand me. Understand what I was saying .. giving ... what my word was worth. My word was worth more than any fleeting bullshit claim to love that was paraded before him so often ... lies of intent tripping off the tongues of those that forgot that intent months or years into it. And yet he still handed it out to them like it did not matter. This was different than that .. this was my word. This was not some claim to emotion that could and would fade ... this was bigger and stronger and held all my honor within it.

It was my .. word.

But it was not enough. This man who I am .. is not enough. I must have this silly emotion .. this thing I see defiled and full of shit so often. This fleeting feeling that people pick up and discard so easily at their convenience. I do not want this .. I do not want to be such a hypocrite .. I will not be. I will not claim to have this knowledge when I do not. I can not sacrifice my word to get what I want. I should not have to.

I tried to tell Ayguili that what I had found with Seveya was something I had not had in years ... thought I would never have again. Thought perhaps I did not deserve to have. But here it was .. and it was offered to me .. only me. I had to value that .. I had to hold it sacred ... sacred enough for my word.

But it was not enough.

Ayguili went on to tell me how I felt .. to define my motives to me. To tell me that his decision was to protect Seveya from my possessiveness. To make sure that where he had failed before with her .. he would not do so again. That he would give her only to someone who could love her.

And I was not that man.

He told me I needed time .. time to think and to know my mind. I told him respectfully that I had all ready taken that time. That I knew my mind and no amount of his words would change my mind or that it had been made. Ayguili just does not have that kind of power. However.. I had given Seveya back to him for a reason .. and that was for Seveya's protection .. even from me. And I told Ayguili that I would respect his decision. That I would not speak of the bride price again until I could speak of love.

And with that I pronounced the death sentence on the entire thing.

However .. Ayguili did not see it that way. He was pleased with it. Pleased with his decision .. pleased with my adherence to it. Pleased with his own understanding of the entire thing. Which he has a right to be. If he feels I am not good for Seveya? He is probably right and doing the right thing. I have to respect that.

It did not make it any easier to hear. It did not make it any easier to swallow .. that I am not good for her. That I do not care for her. That my word is not enough. That .. all that I am ... is not enough.

I have nothing more to offer.

I asked Ayguili to grant me one thing .. to not speak to Seveya of the fact that I had offered to pay her bride price. Not only to spare her feelings .. but to spare me my pride ... what was left of it.

Ayguili tried to lighten the mood .. but there was no way it was going to be lightened. I did not wish to speak to him any more. Especially of the silly notion .. the childish happiness I had felt. I would not drag it out and have it judged as well. I told him I would set a different bride price for Mezoo .. one that was normal and mature and had nothing to do with my happiness. One that fit the normal rules and traditions .. one that did not touch me. He agreed to that .. and that he wanted to speak to Oren and Astar and the family before he asked it of me .. so I had time.

I did not need time to be uncreative and boring. I will have the price when he is ready to ask it of me.

I left Ayguili .. I was disappointed and angry and heart broken. I had offered everything I have .. I had given my word ... and all that I am .. and all that I have .. is not enough. I was judged and found .. lacking. I was sorry for myself .. I was petulant and ... two. I did not know what to do .. how do I take all that I am and see it from his eyes? How do I accept that who I am as a man .. who I have become ... is worthless. How do I admit that .. to Seveya? How do I tell her that .. I did not throw everything between us away? And how do I not tell her that I asked for her bride price and I was refused because I do not care enough? That my word is useless when it comes to her future and how much I will care and provide for her? How easy it would be to allow that word to fall off my tongue as others do. And yet .. I can not.

I can not be so false.

Everything I have found .. everything I have learned to feel ... I must put away. I must deny and pretend as if it does not exist. I must forget .. and move on and allow her to move on and find this love with a man capable of offering it to her. Perhaps Ayguili is right. I would only break her heart. Perhaps he is correct and all I want to do is possess her and I care nothing for her .. only my will to own her.

But that is not true .. I did own her. I did possess her and I gave her up for her own good. For the good of Ayguili who needed to prove to himself and those around him he could be a better guardian. I had given her back to give everyone a chance to prove themselves passed their own mistakes .. and I was the one being judged? I was the one that was .. not enough?

What the fuck?

I was being two again.

Back and forth .. accusatory and defensive ... it went on the rest of the night and I finally went for the paga simply for the soul purpose of drowning out the argument in my own head.

And Sahli thought he had issues.