The Cruelest Cut of All

Lights go down, it's dark
The jungle is your head
Can't rule your heart
a feeling so much stronger than
a thought
Your eyes are wide
And though your soul
It can't be bought
Your mind can wander

Hello, Hello
I'm at a place called Vertigo
It's everything I wish I didn't know
Except you give me something i can feel ..

Feel

-U2

Touched me .. it sounds so benign. It is not a touch at all .. it is more like a cut .. a slice ... a deep wound that threatens the heart of me. Yes I have a heart .. yes it can be hurt. And yes I am aware of what hurts my heart and when it is hurt.

And that .. fucking hurts.

The kind of hurt you can not wash away .. or get off ... it sticks there lingering and festering and changing who I am .. forever.

Love .. it is the cruelest cut of all.

I wear the scars of it .. I bear the marks of it. I have been touched by it. Though I can not believe this thing lives within me as something of me. I bear the design of it upon my soul and I can not scrape or cut it away. If I have the capability of this thing .. this love ... it is beyond my understanding that I do. I believe it exists .. as a counterpart to who I am inside. I believe it is my most beloved of enemies. My most respected opponent. It is rare that it gets passed my defenses .. but lately I have been attacked and wounded twice.

Perhaps I am getting old.

Is it what draws me to Seveya? That she holds this thing? This love?

no

No .. if you believe that ... you do not know me well. No .. that is not it at all. In fact it is a perfect reason for me to avoid the hell out of her. I do not like to be hurt. I do not like to feel the slip of blade beneath my defenses .. when it sinks deep into my flesh with a squelching sound ... when I know it has sunk into my very core ... and I know the mark will remain even after the wound heals. I am not this emotional masochist .. despite the respect I have for my enemy and the fact I will not run ... it does not mean I seek the battles.

There are many women with faith and hope and love .. women that hold those heights and breadths within them. Who have the capacity to touch others with it .. to leave their marks ... their scars. So no .. that is not what draws me to Seveya.

My attraction is much more selfishly driven .. simplistic in its monstrosity. Beautiful .. as a single celled organism .. a parasite with primordial hungers and desires that are pure and undefiled by higher thinking humanity. I seek that which I do not have .. I feed from that which offers me survival.

She makes me feel. I can feel her. She impacts me. I am addicted ... I ingest it like the desert sand soaks up a brief rain shower. It is something I will seek .. it is something I will kill for. It is something I will destroy to obtain. It is something I have destroyed to possess. I tried to tell her .. to make her understand ... what it is ... to me. How it works .. for me. That there is nothing sacred that I hold above it. That there are no laws .. when it comes to that.. no loyalty ... no honor. That all those carefully crafted and maintained rules I have made ... I will break every single one of them in the name of this thing. That she is not safe from me .. nothing she has or can give to me is safe from my desire for it. That I will walk through .. burn through ... and tear down anything that gets in the way of it.

I told her I have done as much as Karvek .. and worse ... for less.

I think that is when it started to dawn on her .. what I was trying to say. What I was trying to convey to her. What I was trying to warn her about. I know .. because she told me something ... something that gives me the knowledge she has been touched by this thing in me. And I have left my mark on her .. and it is not a pretty mark. It is not about love or faith or belief ... it is ugly and dangerous and dark and it is selfish and it is jealous and it is base and vile and horrific in its intentions.

But .. it is me. It is something I am inside. It is something that is a part of me. It is something that I harbor and something that I protect as much as it protects me. Even when we threaten to demolish each other.. I am a man at war with himself. She must understand that .. about me.

I think she does .. now.

But she still did not run away from me. Even after she knew what I was capable of .. even after I admitted that .. for this thing .... I have been a far worse man than Karvek ever was to her. That I have done .. more horrific things to someone in its name. And that I will do so .. again ... for it. I warned her that my attraction for it is sexually driven. I do not know how it works for Karvek .. but for me ... it is sexual. That I will and have used sex to obtain it .. as a means of power and control. That her sensibilities will not matter to me .. her body .. her mind ... her spirit will hold no sway over me and I will destroy one or all to hold this thing in my hand and taste it ... ingest it. I gave her an out .. even while admitting I was not sure the "out" was serious and true ... because I all ready knew ... too much. I had all ready ... felt. Perhaps it was too late .. I still tried to save her.

But she would have none of my saving .. she would have none of my warnings ... she still walked into me and laid her sticky black tar on my heart and damn her for that. Damn her for not listening .. damn her for understanding ... damn her for not running away and begging Ayguili to protect her from me.

And yet .. would it have mattered if she did? I do not know .. perhaps not. Perhaps it would not have done anything to save her at all because it is too late .. too late because ..

... I know.