The A B C's of .. Goodbye

I do not know .. exactly ... how I feel about Seveya yet. But I did know I liked to be around her. I liked to talk to her .. I am speaking in passed tense ... you see ... I have to. She told me goodbye.

I thought it was going to be one of those conversations where I went about explaining myself .. as usual. Explaining why and how and what I was all about. Why I did the things I did .. why I asked and said the things I did. I can do that .. I can explain myself ... even when it pisses me off to do so. Even when I am getting my ears pinned back for some misunderstanding. Do I enjoy it?

no

Do I find redeeming qualities in someone making such large assumptions of me and getting angry and stewing for so long without even asking me ... what I meant?

no

Will I do it? Will I lay it all out and go through it and attempt to help someone understand that I am really not that evil and cruel of a person?

of course

All my on purpose cruelty .. my evil tendencies ... my torture and sadistic pleasures ... are reserved for the Mask. I actually try not to do that to people. No .. I mean it. Honest Tuchuk.

I tried to tell her how much I just want to understand. By understanding her I learn how I feel. By digging around in her ideals and thoughts I may get my hands all bloody but .. I learn. I learn how she makes me feel. I learn who she is ... I learn ..... I learn.

I thought we .. came to an understanding. I thought .. things were going so well. I kept my temper in the midst of the onslaught. I was proud of myself for being able to go through it all .. all the misunderstandings and get them all straitened out like crimped and broken threads.

She told me she may not ever be able to dig around in me like that. But that is all right .. I do not need someone to do that. I just need someone to understand me. If she learned understanding a different way .. that was all right with me. I do not mind. But I did tell her .. it was all right if she wanted to do it that way. If she felt the urge to dig around in me and get her fingers all bloody and get her hands full of who I was as a man ... as a person. I told her .. it was all right.

She said she might not ever learn to do that ... that was all right with me. Then she told me it was probably all moot anyway because her Uncle had chosen another man ... for her.

ow

I had heard rumors .. I had seen her reaction to the young warrior at the stream. I am not stupid. But .. this was the first time she had let me know ... strait up. That all of it was pointless. This was the first time she told me she had no choice. That she would respect her uncle's wishes. This is the first time she told me .. she would survive her heartache ... that her heartache was survivable. So that is when I told her that if her heartache was survivable .. then the timing was ... good. If she was not deep enough in her and I that she would disrespect her uncle .. if she was not deep enough in "us" that she considered any other option than this man her uncle had chosen ... if she was not deep enough into this "thing" we were trying to figure out that her heartache was perfectly survivable ... than how I could not say .. this was a good thing? How could not support her obedience and her respect of her uncle? How could I tell her she was a bad person for doing what she thought was ultimately right? How could I blame her for telling me .. goodbye?

It is not easy to scrape up all your ideas of what might be .. what could be ... what is possible while you are in the process of being so fucking mature. Kudos to me. I am a good man. I did not tell her to fuck off and die for making me believe she was more confirmed in her feelings for me than she was. I did not tell her .. life is full of choices and you are making one that tells me you do not care about me. I did not tell her she was fatalistic and depressing and passive aggressive and I did not tell her she was so lost in her own darkness she could not ever see what little light I had to offer. I did not tell her that her loss of faith and belief was a sure killer of "us" because I did not have any and I had not had time to learn any from her before she fell into the abyss herself. I did not tell her that I can not save myself .. thus I certainly can not save anyone else so willing to topple over and succumb so passively to the nothing. I did not tell her she was weak and pathetic and spineless and I did not blame her for not telling me so sooner .. and giving me false hope in her strength and light.

I did none of those things. Because I am a good man. When the fuck is someone going to notice?

fuck

All my support made her ask me if I was drawing a line and turning her into my sister.

me?

Drawing lines?

huh?

I told her no .. I was not the one drawing lines but by the Sky I am going to respect the lines being drawn for me. And I am going to fucking thank the Sky while I am at it for making it all clear while both of us are still able to survive this.

She said .. she was not ever going to draw those lines. I told her she would. I told her she would be the good niece she all ready told me she was. She would respect her uncle's wishes. I told her Ay would never go against her family decision .. especially if Seveya was willing. Which she was. I know because she told me so. I told her she would respect her mate and be honorable and faithful and ... fuck I was talking out my ass. I was scraping all the good things I could find to say about her .. for her ... because I did not want to say all the other things that I really wanted to say. I wanted to remind her what a good responsible person she was being instead of telling her she was a heartless bitch ... what good would that do?

I have learned it does me no good at all ... remember?

Sky help me I wanted to leave Seveya intact. If I could but save one? If I could just be the good guy once ... and I was. And I meant it. I meant all the good things I said about her. They are all true.

I just wish she was not such a good person. I just wish I could tell her all those bad things about herself .. and that they would be true. Instead I am left with the A B C's of telling me goodbye.

A. Tell me it is all pointless. Tell me there is no hope when I have so much trouble with hope and faith and love in the first place.

B. Tell me you have no choice. Tell me you will do what is right despite the fact that means .. right is without me. Tell me that you are committed to being .. without me ... and remind me that is because you are a good person.

C. Tell me that you will survive not being with me. That it is all right .. in the long run. You will be just fine and all will be well. That your investment in me .. is mortal.

Those .. are the A B C's of telling me .. goodbye.