What Do You Want .. From Me

The morning found me wandering along the side of the stream. My boots and even my calves and shins dark with dew. It was cold .. but not frozen. My thoughts a long way off along the horizon somewhere. Sometimes I believe my life would be much easier if I did not think so much.

I probably would have tripped over Silken if she had not lit a fire near while she was fishing. I have not seen much of Silken in the last few days .. have not seen much of the First Fires. People seem to be busy .. myself not the least of these.

I asked her how she was doing .. she said she was doing well. I told her that was good to hear for I had been concerned about her for a bit. She said I had given her reason to push through the darkness.

huh

I had? Helping someone through the darkness did not seem like something I would be good at .. unless it was just a guide because I lived there? I told her I was not sure how I had done such but if I had I was very pleased I had been able to do that for another person. She said I had taken the time to talk to her .. showing that I cared. That it made me important to her in return. I thanked her for her words. She waved her hand in the air and told me it was nothing .. that she wanted to be able to do the same for me since I seemed like I had a lot on my mind. She told me .. I could talk to her.

If she only knew.

But I did appreciate that she offered her time and energy to me. It was a thoughtful gift. I just have no way to accept it. When it comes to taking the things out of my head and putting them into words .. I do not do so well. Sometimes what comes out has nothing to do with what is actually torturing my synapses. There have been times it leaks out .. but usually not at the same time someone offers to listen to it. At this point in my life I am rather comfortable where I live and when the loneliness gets to me it is usually because I just want someone to understand where I am .. not so much that I want someone to fix it.

I told her it is not rare for me to have a lot on my mind. She told me thinking was not a bad thing but that the things get muddled and compressed if they are not expressed. I had to chuckle .. do they? She tugged me along into a stroll along the bank. She bid me talk to her .. I asked her about what? She said anything and everything .. things that were wrong .. things I enjoyed.

I told her it was not easy. She told me I could trust her. I replied that her words did not tell me how .. merely told me that I might do so. She told me that trust did not come from words. Well that I agreed with. She then told me that trust came from my heart. Inside.. that I should close my eyes and listen .. did I feel she would betray me?

huh

I told her I rarely trust my feelings .. emotions lie. I told her she could not speak to me as if I were a woman. Men think much differently .. and I thought even differently than a lot of men and that made the odds even worse.

She told me emotions do not lie .. that people do.

I told her we would have to agree to disagree on that one.

She told me she could listen .. give me her thoughts. I told her I knew that .. but it did not make it easier for me. There are times I just do not know how to.

She replied .. "All right ... would you like to talk about T'zuri?"

fuck