Why Not .. Me?

My slave pink had come to kneel at my feet. I hid a bit of a smirk at that .. you could feel her slight reluctance like a wave through the air that washes over and through you.

I was not unaware of her reactions to me when I returned to my furs the other night. Surprised? Yes .. I was. I am not used to jealousy among slaves .. it is something I know exists and I am sure I have even inspired it myself ... however actually having one let me see it is another thing. Usually slaves are punished severely for such things. Unless the man actually gets off on it and then it is inspired and encouraged. I however .. do not.

I have spent a little time studying my slave. Watching her when she does not know it. Observing her routines .. how she spends her time. Some of it makes me chuckle .. some however I puzzle over.

Once Cana left pink attempted to serve me .. but as I watched her rather intently she started stumbling over her words as she attempted to offer me trivial needs and/or wants. I asked her if this was how she actually wished to speak to me.

She said no but that she was not sure she had the right words. I asked her .. are there always the right words? So in the spirit of the day .. I asked her what she sought.

She said she sought for understanding .. to make sense of things that confused her ... that she sought me.

huh

I told her she had done nothing of the sort. Sought me .. my ass.

Then I asked her just what she wished to understand?

She said she wished to understand me .. but that there was so much she did not know where to begin? I queried .. so you do not begin at all? Does that seem the best way to proceed?

She said no .. probably not the best way but she did not wish to displease me with her quests. She said there was such a freedom here that went against much she had been taught but that she reveled in.

I told her I had seen this in her .. seen her reach for the Sky .. finding her way here. But that I had also seen that something had pushed her out of that peace she had found. And I asked her what exactly that was.

And she replied .. "Why .. not me?"

If only I were a more patient man. If only I were a nicer man. If only were a better man and I did not let that little irreverent daemon stir my blood and raise my temper .. blowing sweet kisses over the slumbering coals.

If only .. but I am not.

My lip curled enough to expose the white of eyetooth and I asked my slave .. "You do not like the smell of another woman's sex on me? Did it make you sick? Turn you off? Did you hate sleeping next to me with her scent all over my skin?"

I was rewarded with the emotions that raced and flushed over her features .. liquefying her eyes ... warming her cheeks and filling her lungs .. straining her breasts against the fabric. For a moment I thought she was going to cry. But she did not .. she said to me .. that it hurt her. It hurt that she was not good enough.

If only I was a more mature man .. interested in the emotional health and growth of my slave. I would have addressed the fact that she did not believe herself worthy. That my act had wounded her personal identity .. her self worth as my slave.

If only .. but I am not.

Instead I said to my slave .. "Poor pink. You should have been a free woman. You crave me .. yet the simple flavor of another woman makes you avoid me .. turn a shoulder to me." And I let all the distaste and pity those words afforded thread through my tone.

And it cut her .. as it was intended to do .. but instead of rolling over and showing me her belly she lifted her chin and begged me to tell her why she felt the way she did.

There was the first little glimmer of something for this slave .. but instead of showing her that I simply yawned and brushed the dung dust from my fingers on my pant legs and said to her .. "Because you think you care .. yet you are caught up in your first jealousy .. nasty little emotion pink."

She said to me she did not understand why she felt such a thing now .. here ... with me. I told her if she had never experienced it before it was because she had simply never feared loss before.

She said it had all been a process before .. but here with me it was different. At this point she had my attention ... even if I did not make it obvious. But then she said it was me she wanted .. even if it was selfishly ... she would not stop wanting me or my kiss. It was me she wanted to be with.

Ha

The blade was exposed again.

"And yet .. you ran from me simply because I sought pleasure with another woman? And I should reward that? Are you free that you can pick and choose when you seek me? My kiss? My attention?"

She said something .. went on about Sky only knows what but it did not mean anything to me and I dismissed it with a gesture and went on to explain my point since she had obviously missed it ..or at least missed letting me know she did not indeed miss it. Either way.

I told her .. a slave who is comfortable with herself and who she is would have crawled into my arms that night .. reminded me what I was missing anywhere else but with her. Reminded me why I chose her .. in my furs. Replaced every scent and smear of body fluid with her own ... and done it better.

I told her that her fear made her weak. Weakness would not survive here. Not with me.

She claimed she would not make that mistake again. At first I thought it was a threat .. and my slave came very close to meeting her end right there .. the energy had all ready left my brain and was making a swift path to intent down my arm when she replied that .. she would not make the mistake of being afraid of me again. Good save.

I asked her then if she had it all figured out .. solved it all on her own? She changed her tune just a little and said that is how she wanted it to be but that .. she was not sure exactly how to get to that end ... that she would need help. Good save.

I told her I would help her .. but she would have to stop savoring her fears and letting them control her. That every time she did so she gave them power .. power to create the very things she wanted to avoid.

At that moment I was called away .. as a commander. It was something I could not wait for and so I left her with that. I still do not know exactly where she is at in her head .. I am sure I need to go back and find some of the pieces I cut from her flesh and figure out if any of them were important enough to sew back on. She has made herself scarce since then .. and I have been shouldered with more work as my strength has returned. I still do not know what effect my words will have on her.

Sometimes I wish I was a more gentle man ..

But I am not.