Selective .. Memory?

I have seen Leonette several times since I have returned. She seems the same .. yet different. Perhaps a little older around the eyes. A little softer within them. Is that what pride and maturity .. life with a mate .. is that what these things do to a woman? It wears well on her. Gives her another color to an all ready varied pallet.

She has spoken kindly to me .. with a bit of honesty that I appreciate. The kind of honesty I could take as weakness but I know is not. That she trusts me to know the difference makes me feel good .. makes me want to be a better man for it.

Why is it that when people believe in me .. push me up even when I do not deserve it ... that it makes me want to be a better person. But when they drag me down with bitter words and bitter lies that there is some irreverence that makes the wicked boy come out. Those that know me are aware of this by now .. those that do not know me seem to be making an obvious spectacle of themselves by getting me all wrong yet again. Those that actually give a shit ask me what I think and what I believe.

I do not know what all has happened to Leonette while I was gone .. but one thing that has happened is .. she is capable of giving a shit about me as a person. It shows .. it shows in how she treats me. In so many ways I do not deserve it from her .. yet she offers it now. She offers me trust .. trust that I will not take what she offers and see it as a weakness .. or a crack in the shell to exploit and hurt her with. She is one woman that I will easily hand over the right to be angry with me. I have done things to her I am not proud of. Frustrations I allowed to rule my temper. There are not many I will give that to .. she is one. And yet .. somewhere she learned trust. It was not from me .. if I had to guess I would lay it at Ramza's door. Accolades to that man. Ramza may not be the most competitive .. glory sleen around but I have never seen anything about Ramza that would make me question his strength or his honor. And if it is Ramza that has given Leonette the ability to trust me when I do not deserve it .. he has my eternal thanks.

At first .. I thought it was my selective memory that teased me. Drew me to her. Forgetting the way she hurt me. Was I erasing everything back to the time when she knelt at my feet and I wanted her so badly it was a sickness .. a fever in my brain that drove my senses to the point of manic frustrations .. which I then took out on her? How could I set the moments when she hurt me so badly .. aside? I even told her .. I was remembering things differently than I should be. I do not think she completely understood though or she would not have been so open with me.

I was frustrated with this selective memory. It was wrong to see her as a slave again .. she was nothing of the sort. If I honestly thought she was a slave I never would have freed her .. given her the chance to be a free woman .. a Tuchuk free woman. I felt I was dishonoring her .. with this. She had done nothing to resemble slave like behavior. How could I feel this way? How could I not only dishonor her by this but even Ramza?

I struggled with it for some time .. until I had a conversation with Cana. No .. I did not share this mental struggle with her .. but it so happened I was drawn to speak to Cana and I realized it was the same draw. Only .. I did not see Cana as a slave ... good Sky of course not. I saw Cana as a friend .. a friend who understands me at least enough that she knows .. or believes what kind of man I really am. Knows enough to defend me as a person.

So perhaps this was not what I was afraid it was. Perhaps it was not a selective memory .. but a memory with growth. Perhaps I was responding to Leonette's trust in me as a man to respect her and even what might seem as a weakness. Perhaps I was drawn to that trust .. just as I was with people who believed in my integrity .. my honor.

The entire idea cleared my mind like a breath of cold air clears the senses. It was a weight that lifted off my shoulders .. relieved by the maturity of it all .. the obvious growth. I wanted to seek her out and tell her everything .. quite proud of myself... but that is not what I shall do. I shall simply strive to be the man that she believes me to be now. The man that will respect her .. even respect what might be seen as weakness. To be the man that knows it is not. To be Leonette's friend. I am very fortunate to have two women that I can say that about.

I still want to share a bit of grass and sod with Ramza ... he has given me my friend back.