Inevitable Frustration

And I thought that was going to be the most confusing part of my day. It was not until later that I realized I had been gesturing to the Sky with my copper lance again ... and I had not even known it. What fun is that? To taunt the Sky when you are not even aware you are? Seems like a waste of good irreverence to me.

When I returned to the Fires and crouched near the fire itself ... Silken informed me she was there and not going anywhere. That she would stick it out. I told her we would see .. I had lost what little faith I might have had in her. She would have to do a lot of work to regain it. I doubted she would .. I have not seen her work on anything that hard. She would rather give up and complain about how unfair her path is .. instead of just walking it. Instead of avoiding making her own potholes in it.

I complain enough myself about women .. but at least I know I am the one not tracking them down. I know I am not trying. I am far too comfortable in my apathy and loneliness to work at changing it. Sometimes I .. wish ... I could. Sometimes I want to feel that .. urge ... to find someone and know that is the person I want to find. I envy that .. I want it for myself. I loathe people who actually know who they want and why and "feel" it and do nothing about it. I hate them for their waste .. how could they throw such a gift away? What do I have to do to deserve that kind of knowledge? That kind of surety? How do I replace that missing part of me so that .. I can feel ... want ... desire .... and know exactly what it is? Sky give me some direction and I would hunt it down .. put all my problem solving efforts into it achieving that goal ... seek and find.

fucking women

So .. Silken decided that if I wanted to know her .. she would tell me a few things ... show me a few things. And she did. I had not asked for that .. I had not asked her to show me such things at the Main Fires ... I would rather she had not. But I do understand what she was attempting to do .. I understand she was attempting to follow my advice. I do know a few more things about Silken now than I did before. Unfortunately .. Silken does not know much more about me than when she started. She does not know that exposing herself like that and expecting me to remain sexually objective .. and then expecting me to .. once the show is over ... think about her sexually again ... just fucks with my head. She does not know .. because she never asked me how I felt about it. And I will probably not see her again for several weeks.

figures

The night progressed .. as nights usually do. Sorrel did a drive by on her way to the stream .. came back to dress her hair ... at the Main Fires. As much as Kaeli and Sef and Sorrel proclaim that Sorrel is not a dweller because she was with Tuchuk at the city during her time away .... she certainly lacks the knowledge of any Tuchuk ways. Both Tarra and I gently warned her about it .. giving her a chance to learn ... as we would with any dweller given the chance to earn First Fires. But .. she has a lot to learn .... obviously. Walking around with your hair down is flagging yourself with enough sexuality that someone might just .. fuck you. Unless you have one hell of a big guy backing you up with his preferences ... and his preferences better carry some serious weight. Not only was her hair down .. but she was combing it ... at the .... fire. Does she not know what that is to a guy who never sees a Free Woman's hair loose unless it is his mate? Does she not know she might as well just hike her skirt up and bend over and ask politely to be fucked... gang raped by every guy present? Is that what Sorrel wants? Really? Someone needs to talk to Kaeli. Soon.

But the night kept .. progressing.

The talk most prevalent at the Fires was the markets. The Arian and Turian merchants ... the trade between Tribes. It is the backbone of our existence .. the goods we can not produce that we need. Trade is like fresh meat ... it feeds and ensures our continued existence. It is a good thing. Not a bad one. I am surprised there are so few of the First Fires who find any liking for it at all.

Then .. "Fonce?"

"Yes Asria?"

"You haven't forgotten the things I told you?"

I had one of those .. "on the spot" ... moments. Had I forgotten something specifically important? What the hell .. cover for yourself Fonce .. "I do not believe I have."

"Good." She smiled.

Whew .. slid through that one without any obvious wounds. Good job Fonce. Nice save.

"Because I have not wavered Fonce. I am just being quietly patient."

huh?

This is one of those times the Danger sign was for me .. but not being an observant Tuchuk I was lulled into a false sense of security by the general conversation we had all be involved with only moments before. I waded out further into the seemingly shallow pool.

"Patient? For what?"

"Well, for.. you."

"For me ... to what?" I did not even notice how deep it was getting.

Cana .. "What has he done now?" No shit .. what she said .... what the hell did I do? Or did not do that I was supposed to do but .. somehow had no idea I was supposed to be doing it ... was this one of those guardian things?

Fuck

Now .. there came this short discussion throughout the group as to whether I had actually done something .. or whether it was more that I had not done something ... various opinions ... most of them rather valid.. kudos to them. I stared at Asria rather expectantly ... better to know what it was than to live in conjecture.

Suddenly I had an idea .. well the last time we had actually spoken much she was trying to get me to feel the obligation of being there for the birth of the baby ... I figured I had it nailed at this point and I asked her .. "Is this about the baby?" Rather proud of myself for figuring it out before she had to explain it. Good job Fonce.

"No, not about the baby."

fuck

"Can we talk about it privately though?"

I answered .. "I .. suppose ... why did you bring it up here if you did... never mind."

fuck

I told her that sure we could talk about it. Whatever "it" was. She reiterated .. "Not here though." Got that.

About that time Silken took off in a big hurry.

figures

I stepped aside with Asria. The night kept .. progressing.

"I am sorry, Fonce, to drag you away."

"Why?"

"It feels selfish, like I am taking you from where you wish to be and those who wish to be around you."

huh

"I am your guardian .. you have every right to speak to me privately."

"I know, but that doesn't make it any less selfish. How is your shoulder, by the way?"

"It is all right."

"Do you need anything?"

"What .. was it you wished to speak to me of Asria?" But I did add .. there was nothing I could think of at the moment she could do for me.

"I am a little embarrassed I brought it up with everyone there, I assumed you would know what I meant and we wouldn't have to have a whole conversation about it. But maybe this is better anyway. I just wanted to remind you that... my feelings..for you, have not changed and I wanted to be sure you were still giving it the thought and time... time to think about it."

"And you are waiting for me to what .. exactly. Think?"

Was I supposed to make up my mind .. all by myself? Without her? Was I supposed to get to know her ... without her? Was she supposed to get to know me ... without me? Was this all supposed to happen ... by just waiting for it to happen?

I do not ... get it.

"... yes"

"I do not know you Asria .. that is what will take time ... I have never thought of you ... like that. I know nothing about you .. in a personal way. You do not know me.

She asked me if I wanted to get to know her .. I told her I wanted to get to know a lot of people. But there is no woman I am pursuing right now. There is no woman that has that kind of focus from me .. yet.

She asked me if I thought less of her because she had gotten these feelings for me so easily .. without getting to know me as well as I thought she should. I told her .. Less? no but that I had very little faith in it. Those words. I told her I did not believe her .. I had no basis for that kind of belief in her ... or anyone else for that matter.

She asked me if I had no belief in her .. I told her I did not think she was a liar. I figured she believed the words she was saying. She asked me if I thought she was confused .. if I thought she did not know the weight of what she was saying or the choices she was trying to make.

I reminded her once more .. it was her words I had no faith in. No belief in. Her words. Those words. They meant nothing to me. I told her I had no idea whether or not she was basing her words ... her feelings ... on anything valid or not. I had knowledge of the words .. very little knowledge of the speaker of them.

"You could ask me those things, if you wanted to know. You could ask me anything you wanted. Do you know that? I.. want you to ask me things, Fonce. I really want you too."

Well sure I could. Just like I could pursue Silken like a sleen on a heat scent. But I do not. I could do a lot of things .. why do they expect me to? I have no inclination to. I have no faith .. to. I have no belief in them. I have no belief in myself. Not when it comes to relationships. Do they not get it that I never tell them I want to know everything about them? Do they not listen when I tell them if they feel that way ... get to know me? There is a damn good reason I put it that way. Because if they want something .. they are going to have to do something about it. They are going to have to get up off their ass and find me .. and go to the trouble to get to know me. Because there is not a hort's worth of assurance on my part they really want to. And most of them do nothing but prove me right. I have no faith they will like what they get to know. And most of them do nothing but prove me right. So why would I think anything else? Why would I follow Silken around like a lost sleen pup? Why would I seek Asria out and ask her all the questions about her she wishes me to? Why do they expect me to when I go out of my way to tell them ... I will not?

I just .. do not get it.

She squinted at me .. and asked me "Are you trying to brush me off?"

Well that did it. After all my patience. All my control. All my attempts to help her as much as I could ... all the things I have given her ... all the work I have done for her and Lei... and she could actually form her self destructive little tongue around those words? And once forming them .. hand them to me and expect to survive? If I needed any more proof she did not know jack shit about me .. there it was. Delivered with a little pink bow.

Anger flamed in my gaze .. I actually rocked off the wheel .. I was going to hit her. I have no idea what reined it in at the last moment. Perhaps it was because she was pregnant. I do not know .. but I did. Thank the Sky I did not cross that line ... I turned and walked away and told her I would be at the Fires ... I needed people around me ... people to keep me from losing what little control I was holding against my temper.

And the night kept ... progressing.

Reluctant to actually join the others until I got some kind of serious control on my temper I hung out by the supply wagon .. finally finding a seat on the steps ... keeping mostly to myself. For everyone's protection. Cana brought me some food .. touched my arm. It was a sharp contrast .. cool to heat. I did not express my appreciation very well. I will try to make up for that when I can.

The conversations went on around me .. until Sorrel said I was wise ... like a grandparent. Tarra echoed my silent thoughts by commenting on how she must have been dropped on her head as a child. Though Tarra found the entire thing a lot more funny than she needed to.

I told them I would have to experiment with this grandfatherly thing and see how far it got me. Sorrel never got the sexual innuendo .. which probably means she actually sees me as a grandfather. She is really not that much younger than I am. She can be so weird sometimes.

It was after that the conversation just went all to hell. Not one redeeming thing about it .. not one. It was the kind of conversation everyone spirals into after a lot of stress and a long fucking day. And we were all a little punch drunk with it.

My head began to make it very clear it was not happy with me. I broke away from the group for a while .. I wanted the day to end ... but like a sick kanda junkie I kept thinking that if I just hung on a little while longer something would happen that would make it all seem like it made sense. I would know exactly how to deal with Silken .. exactly what she needed. I would know exactly how to deal with Asria .. have the answers for her she seemed so desperate for from me. I wish I just knew .. what to say. Instead I am kept impotent with my own limited understandings and inevitable misunderstandings and I must simply rage at both of them .. to listen ... without having the words that make sense that .... gives them a reason to listen. All of it was just .. hopeless. Or at least it felt like it at that point.

When I returned .. it was to meet Tarra's brother .. Larl. I have heard of him but never met him before. Sorrel and Seveya returned from target practice with Karvek. By this time I was rather sure the pressure in my head was going to find an outlet through my eye sockets .. despite my eyes.

Sorrel came to me and asked me if she could speak to me .. she called me ... "warrior". It was odd .. her sudden formality .. especially after watching her do her hair. I told her .. "Of course."

Then she started to walk away .. clue in Fonce ... I asked her if she meant.... privately?

The conversation with Sorrel was the most confusing thing that happened to me that entire day. And that .. is saying ... a lot.

She was afraid. She was nervous that someone from the Kataii Tribe would notice her and recognize her. I told her we were under a truce. No one would break the sanctity of the Love Wars .. not for something so trivial as her or her brother. Their own people would string them between four unbroken kaiila.

She said she was still afraid that someone would recognize her and then "know" where to find her later. Had she not been a tiny child when she left the Kataii to go to the City?

I tried to remind her that her fear was an insult to us as a group. Was she not a prospect to the First Fires? Was she not under the protection of her own family and the Ubar as well? She said she did not fear the Tuchuk.

Try again Fonce.

I told her .. that what I meant was that she should trust us to protect her.. and to assume she was in any danger was an insult to us.

She apologized. She said that was not her intent. She said that after the wars she would not trust the Kataii. I told her good .. sounded wise to me.

She said she felt odd. Like two parts of her were warring with each other. I told her that was natural .. but since she had no knowledge or experience with the Kataii .. and she was here with the Tuchuk ... it was time for her to get serious about earning her place here with the Tuchuk ... her chosen people.

She said that is what she wanted more than anything. I told her to show her arrogance .. her pride and honor .... instead of her fear.

She said thank you .. she said she would hug me but it would not be proper. I had to stare at her .. she will show me how she dresses her hair but not hug me? But I let it go .. I had this nagging sensation that asking for the meaning of that would just lead to a much more intense pain in my head.

And the day kept .. progressing.

So we headed back to the main fire .. I dropped myself on the supply wagon steps and held my head. Seveya had come over to sit beside me at some point. I had not missed the distance she had given me the entire night .. until then. I probably gave her an odd glance .. do not remember though.

Larl asked me if she was my woman. I thought he meant Red .. the slave at my feet. Never dawned on me he meant Seveya .. just because she sat next to me. What an odd fellow Larl is ... perhaps he is related to Seveya who thinks it is improper to hug.

I told him no .. with a chuckle. Seveya blushed as red as a Courage scar. Then piped up that no .. she was not ... I was building her a ladder though. That amused the hell out of me and successfully confused Larl.

Either Larl is a moron or he was trying to embarrass Seveya on purpose for some reason I am unaware of .. either way ... he deserved what he got.

So he stopped trying to get a rise out of Seveya and started to talk to Mezoo .. only Sorrel misunderstood and thought he was speaking to her. He informed her in no uncertain terms otherwise. So she apologized to him for misunderstanding. He told her when he spoke to her he would look at her.

Grumpy warrior.

So she apologized again. Looking to me .. I assume because she wanted to know if she was acting appropriately considering she had been reined in a couple of times that night at the Fires all ready.

He asked her why she was apologizing. She replied for speaking to him without being spoken to .. referring to the fact he just ripped her head off for the misunderstanding and was at that point threatening to piss down her open esophagus.

So instead of realizing he just scared the shit out of her .. he asked her if she was a slave ... because he had never seen a woman apologize before for speaking. Probably because people do not usually rip their heads of for it around here. But then .. that could just be my opinion. For whatever reason Larl was looking for a fight and he was picking on the youngest of the women there. Mezoo tried to step in .. to explain to him that as a prospect Sorrel was just trying to be polite. I did not defend her .. I wanted to see what she would do after our little talk.

So Larl brought up the dweller thing. Figures. we were about to see how Sorrel was going to handle that sore subject. At this point I would have saluted her for jumping up and sinking a quiva blade through his eye socket. That was probably some projection of my own considering the cephalic pain I was suffering. And I know it was not very realistic .. not sure Sorrel has the upper body strength to get that blade deep enough into his skull to satisfy me .. but the thought was amusing to me at the time.

To distract myself from the macabre scene before me I asked Seveya what brought her over to my side of the steps. I was actually curious .. why she had all but ignored me the entire evening but .. had come over at this point. I wanted to know .. why the change ... I wanted to ... understand it. This was an important point for me. I needed .. to understand it.

She said she had come for sanity. The poor woman .. she had no idea what she just said. She had no idea what internal hysterical giggling that caused. I was an insane man ... I had eaten up sanity like a black hole of insatiable thirst. This was the last place she should look for it ... and I told her so. "Good Sky .. there is a black hole over here sucking all sanity out of the world as we know it. This is the last place you should be looking for that."

She gave me the oddest look. So I asked her what it meant .. her look. Fuck at this point in the evening I was hell bent on a masochistic free fall. Why not? She said I was starting to sound like Yamka.

huh

That is what I got for asking. Should have known. Gesture at the Sky with that copper lance in the middle of a storm and you just might get zotted.

ZOT

Sorrel and Larl chose this time to get into it and Sorrel went off on Larl and told him .. "I am Tuchuk and any who darest o challenge my place here can meet me with it." I am not sure exactly what that meant but .. I figured I better pay attention or Sorrel was going to actually try to kill Larl .. which as amusing as that would be I probably would have to step in because Sorrel was Ayguili's responsibility and I actually would "lend a Brother a hand". And if it was possible to hold off Larl while I was laughing so hard .. I would do that for the Ubar ... I was that kind of a guy.

So I stepped in and told Larl .. who was acting wounded and snobbish in retaliation to Sorrel's challenge that .. her reaction was probably due to a little sore spot over the dweller subject. So what does Larl do? Stomps around in the wound .. of course. I reminded Larl that he should understand. I reminded him he should understand due to his own family's struggle with such. It was a gentle reminder. Not sure why I was so inclined.

Larl kept making his comments and Sorrel started snapping again and Larl threatened to take her tongue. Not sure why he accuses her of acting like a slave when he treats her like one with his threats. First for being too polite to him and then for standing up for herself. Unfortunately his baiting was working and Sorrel was getting all wound up and at this point ... I could see Sorrel jumping over and with super Free Woman strength sinking the quiva deep into Larl's skull .. BUT at the last moment before the steel met gray matter ... Larl would shove his own blade up through Sorrel's ribcage and sever her heart from any further impulse from her brain and both of them would fall into each other's arms and bleed out on the furs.

Or at least .. that is what I would have enjoyed watching. Instead I just sat there on the steps wondering my head was hurting so bad and at the same time ... knowing exactly why it was.

Somewhere in there people went their separate ways. I asked Seveya if she was at this point .. going to explain the Yamka comment. She explained it was the downplay of my own sanity .. just like Yamka downplayed herself.

huh

I asked her if she .. actually thought so. She told me that she did not believe my sanity was compromised.

Naive little thing.

Though as Sorrel parked herself in front of me again .. Seveya did add that she might give me that it was at least ... tested.

Sorrel told me she was very sorry for losing her temper. I asked her .. if that was her losing her temper? She answered that it was .. a bit ... and then told me to chain her to the wagon until her father returned because she messed up and should be punished.

huh?

Good Sky. Was it impossible for me as a man to decide when I wanted to punish someone and when I did not? Was I a puppet to be jerked around and told what to do and when? Where in the fuck was that fire she had when she was speaking to Larl? Did I have to piss her off first? I did not have the energy.

I told her she owed no one an apology. She asked me how could she not? Because she was so rude. I almost called her a dweller myself .. instead I tried to explain to her she better toughen up her little sensitivity or she was about to get walked all over. That people around here had flares of temper and fire all the time and she better get used to it. That I had more respect for the snapping bitchy Sorrel than I did for the whining belly crawling whipped sleen one. So she told me how sorry she was for not being more spirited.

Long slow .. exhale. Tell me the night is almost over .. lie to me ... please.

Then she decided to explain by telling me she enjoyed the Tuchuk but sometimes it got to her .. that her skin was darker than anyone else's. I started trying to rub my scars off my face.

Seveya tried to reason with her .. I asked her if she was going to look down on people like Falon or Tarra because of their blood ... she was shocked and said never. But I reminded her that her words could be taken as such and she better shut the fuck up and stop whining about her differences and put that energy into being as good a Tuchuk as she could be.

fuck

So she changed the subject .. went off on how she had been robbed because the Kataii men had killed her father and stolen from her the chance to know him. I agreed .. they had. Bastards. Then she went off about how she was going to hunt them down and get revenge. I told her I would personally bury her if she even thought about starting shit with the Kataii. And I meant it.

She asked me if it was so wrong to try to get to know him. I said who .. she said her father. I told her to ask her mother ...because her father was dead. She was never going to get to know him. Ever.

I think Seveya realized how close I was to snatching Sorrel's liver out through her nostril. She spoke quietly to Sorrel and suggested she let me have some peace .. it had been a long day.

Fucking Seveya had no idea. Sky bless her for her words though. She saved Sorrel's life. Sorrel should be grateful. Did Seveya finally realize and understand my comments about sanity? Could it be? I must have been scowling at her for she asked me about my expression. It made me chuckle and I told her to ask me .. another day. A different day than today. Any day but today .. if this actually was still today.

So Sorrel decided to talk to Seveya .. about things. Woman things.

I lost it. I had to .. I mean ... it was inevitable. It was going to happen sooner or later. I had held out a long time. Longer than usual. It was at that point I decided that the day ..

should not progress any further at all.