Please Help Me Mend

.. my broken heart

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life


Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I am glad I survived.

*System of a Down

One thing that had weighed heavily on me while I lay staring at the hole in the top of Ogedaii's wagon .. was the last time I had spoken to Asria. The harsh words .. the violence in me towards her. It bothered me. I do not want to revisit the mistakes I made with Leonette. I do not want to be .. that man. One of the first things I did when I realized I was going to live .. was talk to Ayguili about taking over Asria's guardianship. I did not speak to her about it first. I did not have the strength to deal with her .. I did not have the strength yet to have her rage at me over it. I just wanted to know she would be .. protected and all right. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders when I got that loose end tied up. When I knew it was done and I knew she would be safe and taken care of and .. there was one more step between her and my temper.

An Ubar kind of step .. a step I would respect.

It was not just for her .. it was for Lei. I could not be that man to Lei through Asria. I could not expose that part of me to her. I would never do that. And yet I am very aware that despite the fact I say I could not or would not do things .. I do. Not that my wrath has ever been visited on a child .. but Asria has tempted me .. more than once. I can not allow that. I must take care of both of them.

I knew she would not be happy with me .. but I did expect her to know ... to realize that I would not do something like this unless it was for her good. That I do not take my responsibilities lightly .. that I labor over decisions like this. I expected her to know me well enough to know that .. I expected someone who told me they knew me well enough to love me ... to know that. I never dreamed .. and I can dream some shit ... that she would use Lei against me. That she would use Lei to hurt me. I must have hurt her .. badly ... for her to be able to do that. But how could I have hurt her so terribly? Did she not know me? Did she not understand me enough to love me?

ZOT

huh

She said so .. she said she loved me ... I no longer believe her.

And I was not even running around cursing the Sky. Just a case of "teach Fonce a lesson on general purposes" I suppose. It would really help if I had some fucking clue what the lesson was so I could learn it all ready. This one I would actually like to learn. I would really like to figure out how not to get sucker punched for it.

I actually made my way to the Fires that night. It had only been a few days but it felt like years to me. I had lived a few lifetimes on the floor of that wagon. It was good to see everyone .. but highly over stimulating. I had trouble keeping up with all the things said to me at once. So many ... it felt good but very confusing. I am sure I missed half of what was said to me. I hope I did not hurt anyone's feelings .. I hope they realized I was a little out of it.

Asria was hell bent on speaking to me. I was not up for it .. but I had to be. I understood ... or at least I thought I did. I know now I did not have a fucking clue. Which I should by now .. know that I do not. I should just assume too presume that I am not in the "know" ... ever.

She opened with Lei .. with what I had done to her. What the child thought about me .. and what she had to say about me. Each thing ripped my heart apart .. tore it asunder ... and left me cold and dead. I told her .. I hoped Lei would speak to me about those feelings. Then she told me she would not allow Lei to do so. She would not allow me to break her heart any more than I had all ready done. She said .. she could not trust me ... to speak to Lei.

I would swear to you there were audible clicks as the doors and walls fell into place. There was nothing .. is nothing ... Asria could have said or would try to say after that ... that could or would reach me ... or impact me in any way. That part of me is dead .. bloated and ... gone.

And today I think is the loneliest day of my life.

If she was going to cheat with Lei .. why did not she not send Lei first .. knowing I would never hurt that child. Knowing that if anyone could get anything out of me .. it was Lei. Lei could have asked me anything ... anything at all and I would have given it to her. Lei could have raged at me and never tempted my temper.

Where had all this anger come from? Where had this hurt come from? Why could she just not ask me what I meant before she went off on me? Before she took something so precious from me and told me it was because I was such a .. terrible man. How could she feel that much hurt from me when I did not even do anything to her .. yet. When everything I did .. I did because I am the man I am. I have come to the conclusion that women who get so angry .. so easy ... who feel I hurt them by being me ... so easily and have a temper about it without even talking to me first to find out my thoughts .. my intentions ... my feelings .... are just not for me. I am a man .. and on top of that I am a man not always easy to understand or follow my intentions or feelings. I know this .. I have learned this through experience after experience. I know by now I need someone who will believe the best of me despite what it looks like on the surface. I need someone to have a little faith that I do not hurt the people I care for on purpose. Ever. Not like that. I am not so careless with my words or my decisions. If they are so quick to see hurt in me when I mean the best .. what will happen when I actually do something I need to apologize for? Do they not realize that to falsely accuse me .. to see wrong where there was no wrong ... I have no patience with? To take a misunderstanding and go so far with it .. tells me there is no hope for the fact that I am human and actually make mistakes on top of everything else. Really fucking big mistakes. If I needed any more evidence that I had made the right decision in switching the guardianship .. I had it right before me delivered on a silver platter.

Later at the fires .. Asria had come to the conclusion that Lei should talk to me. I did not feel it .. I did believe in it any more. Cana and Ayguili told Asria to wait .. to send Lei. I was standing right there .. Asria was the only person that even addressed me about it and whether or not I wanted it. I simply told her that Lei would find me when she was ready. I had no more faith. And all that was compounded by the fact that .. Cana and Ayguili both tried to protect Lei from me .. and my temper ... because I was wounded. Perhaps it was to protect me from Lei .. either way ... it spelled much the same thing to me at that point.

Despite what people "think" is going on I need someone to look deeper .. to see more ... to believe in me.

Because I have trouble believing in myself.

And today .. is the loneliest day of my life.