All That Glitters

I had avoided the Main Fires for a couple of days. Throwing myself back into work and my Command. I needed a break from some of the stupidity .. the mind glazing ability to ignore logic and respect. My mental energy was low and there was nothing better for it than to return to those things that I loved more than anything else .. the bosk ... and my men.

The night before I had retrieved the dream catcher from Cana's wagon. This was a priority for me and one I took very seriously. I was still sore and a little high on adrenaline and endorphins when I finally made my way to the fires. I was hoping to see Seveya and apologize to her for missing her celebration. As luck would have it .. I did.

She was much different that morning .. in appearance and in how she related to me. I am not sure why .. well I am rather convinced about the appearance. She was sporting fitted leather all over and if I had any doubts about the curves and contours of her form before ... all those doubts are swept away.

Not that it is strange for women to wear leather pants and vests around the Fires .. Tarra and Silken have done so since I can remember. What was impacting for me was the difference. One day to see her still in skirts and tunics and the next to see something completely .. different. In my mind it made the ringing a prominent marker in how I view Seveya. I have not yet decided if I like the change. I did not imagine that it would be so ... different.

I suppose that makes me a naive man. A man unused to being around women before they are ringed. Most are kept away from the Fires .. as they near womanhood ... away from having much to do with men that are not their family. It reminds me how narrow my views can be when I am not exposed to more than my own little circles of influence.

There seemed more of a difference than just the ring and leather. But I suppose I can understand that as well considering she is finally to be seen as a woman .. with all the privileges and responsibilities ... something all the other girls her age achieved years before Seveya. It was as if all these changes were held back for one moment instead of grown into slowly.

What I do not understand is the distance that she felt from me. There was no warmth .. no hint of the woman who told me she wanted to explore feelings she had for me. Those words seem a world away right now .. I am struggling to find their connection to the new Seveya.

Perhaps it is that my head is clouded with the dream and the meanings and the things I must put together like a puzzle for Cana. Perhaps I am merely a simple minded man and I have trouble keeping up with changes. Perhaps she is distracted with her new found freedom .. her new kaiila and the ability to go and not be tied to the wagon. Perhaps Seveya does not feel the same way as she did .. and now that she is free to be a woman .. with both feet now planted firmly ... she realizes there is much more to see and do before she narrows her focus on one man.

Time will tell. I do not pursue women. Not sober anyway. Most of the time I am far to comfortable in my ways to have the thought occur that I even should do so. It is rare that a woman will get through enough layers that my attention is narrowed to a focus. Not to mention my reputation does not lend itself to guardians being all too pleased with my attentions directed towards their ward. So either women give up and move on or they are forced to give up and move on ... and I rarely seek to know the difference.

Perhaps one day .. a woman will pierce this comfortable apathy that so often shrouds my emotions and I will know .. what I want and I will find it a directive as much as the other things in my life. Perhaps one day my needs and desires will find a bridge to my focus and intent. Perhaps there will be a woman who is patient with my introspective thought process ..

.. I think I am done with "perhaps" today. There are bosk to herd and men to train and I will revisit this later when I have more information to plug into all these unknowns.