Something Very Wrong

I have a problem that I cannot explain,
I have no reason why it should have been so plain,
Have no questions but I sure have excuse,
I lack the reason why I should be so confused

I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I, don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you

*System of a Down

Looking back on the rest of the afternoon with Seveya .. if I had to pluck from it the most impacting thought .. the most important part ... I would have to choose the vacillation I was doing between my thoughts of her as a friend .. or as something more. I am perfectly aware she wants something more from me than friendship. How? She told me so. Kudos to her for giving me a heads up and not making me wander around in some oblivious state until it was too late. Which has happened to me more times than not. But it means nothing to me .. those words. Other than I can be aware of what she wants. It does not mean I feel that way .. or that I know even how I feel. Most of the time I never get to figure that part out.

I have easy conversation with Seveya. She does not push me too hard .. she does not dig into me too deeply. We share things as friends. Much like when Cana and I talk. We respect boundaries and are aware of each others softer spots and avoid them like quicksand. But we have a lot of conversation. A lot gets shared .. I like that. I like that it is easy and flows and there is no anger.

There is no anger.

That .. is a problem. Now most would assume that was a good thing. Most would think they were on the right track with me and feel good about the part where they had not pissed me off. Which .. in some ways that is true enough. This is most certainly not a dissertation on the benefits of pissing off Fonce. Hardly so. It really is not a good idea and I highly recommend .. not ... doing so. Yet ... people inevitably do. It is a part of life I have come to recognize as normal and expected. It is a sign to me that I feel. That I have feelings. Without it .. I am unsure. I am at a loss for how I feel. I can not find my emotions .. my feelings ... without going through the door of anger.

Now Cana has frustrated me .. disappointed me. And I am sure that goes both ways. In the course of our friendship there have been misunderstandings and growth. All very normal. It is how it works .. when it works. But Cana and I remain very respectful to the deep down hidden parts of each other. We side step them. We are friends.

In my attempts to define this relationship with Seveya and what it means to me .. I have come to the conclusion that Seveya and I are friends. We treat each other almost the same way as Cana and I do. The difference is that I will slice and cut Seveya .. where I will not Cana. Why? Because I am seeking to know if this thing with Seveya is something more than friendship. I take her opinion .. her desire ... seriously. And I wish to have an answer for her. Does it all seem analytical and logical? Well that would be because it is. I do not trust emotions. They lie cheat steal and in most ways fail me in being reliable. So I must base my relationships on something more than emotion. I must make logical decisions based on my attempts at analyzing. I must pick things apart .. turn them inside out and look at them upside down. I must know things .. I must base my decision on all that I know and all that I surmise to be true above and beyond what I may or may not feel.

I tried to feel .. I tried to force her to make me feel. I tried everything. I plied her with questions .. I attacked her with questions. I touched her .. I forced her to touch me. Nothing that would go beyond .. cross a boundary ... or be something that would devalue her in any man's eyes. And nothing that would sabotage a relationship with her. Which was a great big step on my part

.. I am not always so mature.

Just enough to ... push. To incite. To get a rise. But she is placid. Still waters. She does not ... well I do not know. I can not place her. I can not .. figure it out. I can not figure out why I am not angry. I can not figure out why she is not ... something. She is not dead .. her affect changes ... she responds to my touch ... to my digging around in her head. But she responds as if I tossed a pebble into mud. Instead of clear water.

Her ways .. her answers. Are so mature and well thought out. They are .. as if someone gave her all the answers as to how things were supposed to work. What things young women were supposed to say. She does not get them wrong ... any of them. Which .. is a huge danger sign to me. I do not believe anyone is really that perfect and mature. I do not believe anyone knows all the right answers when they are feeling deeply. I do not believe that anyone can be that wise when they are lost in emotions.

I know at least ... that I am not.

I tried to tell her all these things. I tried to explain it all. I have never tried so hard to make someone understand. Perhaps it was just another tactic to push and pull .. to act and get reactions. I do not know .. I was lost in the entire thing. I tried to tell her .. that I lose myself. That I get lost in myself ... consequently I lose people. I do not realize that I am doing it .. I simply look up one day and realize ... they are gone. And rightly so .. I do not blame them for getting tired of waiting around for me to wander back from where ever I have been inside my head. I do not expect someone to be there .. after that. I just want someone to understand .. at least once ... what it looks like from this end. What it feels like .. the continued loss .. time after time. There is always .. loss ... and no one to blame but myself.

I do not know if Seveya is too much like me. I do not know if she will get as lost as I do. What then? We go through life being perfectly happy being .. lost? That does not sound functional. Even if it is rather functional in its dysfunction. I do not wish to settle for such a thing. I do not wish to settle for the crutch .. when I think it is possible to run and jump on both of my legs. I just have to figure out how.

Now and then that day I would push her hard enough that I would feel something in return .. some resistance ... something that let me know she was there on the other end shoving back. Other times I would push and .. the energy would simply pass from me and .. go to what or where ... I have no idea. Like throwing a punch into water. She would simply wrap and fold and move around the force as if I had no power. But that is not what I want .. it is not what I need. And it makes me want to put her on a shelf somewhere ... a pedestal ... and keep her safe. Keep her as my friend .. as a sister. As someone to protect and not dig my fingers into .. gutting on the sharp desires that rest so alive and ready on the tips of my touch.

It was one of those times .. when she was being sweet and cute and giving and mature and ... perfect ... that I lost it. I took her by her arms and shook her like a rag doll and I demanded that she stop. Just stop it. Stop having all the precise and right answers and stop being so .. right ... just ... stop. I could not see .. my world went black and I just wanted her to stop ... for a moment. It was wrong .. all of it. It is not so .. easy ... it is not ... so ...

I felt the warmth of blood as it started down my face from my nose .. I heard her say my name ... I came back .. slowly. I thought for a moment I had hurt her... that I had done something terrible. But she was insisted she was all right ... she even wiped at my face with the sleeve of her tunic. If she wanted me to think of her as something other than my sister she needs to stop doing that .. but ... the ludicrousness of it all got to me and I saw the humor and I started to chuckle.

I needed to go put my head together for the Love Wars. I needed to go and think .. to drag my wounded carcass into a hole somewhere and figure out how to put my brain back together into some semblance of normalcy. I was just leaving her when she took one of the red ribbons from her hair and she handed it to me .. told me to bring it back to her. It was an endearing gesture. It was something I could hold in my hand and understand and it touched me ... even as I was still reeling from all the other things I could not grasp or understand. I tucked the ribbon into my belt and I left her there by the edge of the stream.

And I still do not know what I feel .. how I feel ... about Seveya.