I Just.. Do Not Get It

As the Love Wars approach my thoughts are elsewhere. Not here. Not where they should be. And I can not even tell you where they are ... just not here. Something is riding me. Something nipping at my heels. I keep getting nudges from behind .. like a barely remembered dream. A dream of something that has not happened .. but feels like a memory. That is the only way I know how to explain it. Which does not make much sense at all actually.

I have questioned myself .. is it the Wars? How many times have I fought in them? Enough times to not feel nervous about it. I do not ever remember feeling nervous about them. They never stood out as that much of an impact against me .. they are a part of life. Am I questioning my motives for the first time? Am I feeling some kind of fear of death? But why? Why now? Is this some kind of portent? Some omen of things to come that stretch out beyond my control? Am I feeling the haunting of my own death for the first time? Is that why I do not recognize this feeling?

In my quest to understand this nagging at my conscious I have even questioned my motives for fighting in the Love Wars. Why would I risk my life for a woman? Not like women and I have this amazingly good track record. Especially the women I have won during the Wars. So if not for women .. why do I do this thing? The thrill? The challenge? I have all the answers to those questions of course ... I answered them the first time I ever stood up to the stake. So if it is not the Love Wars .. what is it that is like a sleen on my trail?

Speaking of women ... these thoughts and more were on my mind as I took a moment to sit on the steps of one of the supply wagons enjoying the shade and the scalding hot cup of blackwine in my fingers. Silken came .. someone I have not spoken to in some time even when she has been around ... she has stayed on the edges. I told her Tal .. and got a "Fonce!" in return. Startled me a little. I wanted to glance over my shoulder .. was there another Fonce? Instead I chuckled and said .. "Why yes .. yes it is."

She started towards me so quickly she almost tripped over her feet .. reining herself in as she drew near .. "I've been looking for you."

Well here I was .. she said she needed to talk to me ... really needed to talk to me ... and she looked around as if checking to see who was present to overhear us.

My brow rose .. then creased with concern ... "What is it Silken?"

She started fidgeting .. shifting her weight side to side ... an entire dance in place. I started to get even more concerned .. and confused. Concern and confusion are not comfortable bed fellows. She finally spoke until she was breathless.. "Well .. its ... you see ... there's been .... I mean .. nothing is wrong .... but its like ... there's so much to say .. and I don't know how to say it and I don't know what to say exactly and ... ..and I don't know where to start."

I took a healthy gulp of blackwine to see if it would help. It did not. "I have .. no ... idea what you are trying to tell me .... Silken."

"See... I took some really bad advice that just.. didn't workout. At least to what I see."

My gaze narrowed .. an attempt to find focus on ... something. Anything. "Advice .. concerning ... what?"

"Me... and... how to act around you."

That brought my brow back up. Do people really not know me well enough by now to know how dangerous that is? At least to their dreams of any kind of success with me? Have they not heard my opinions on that? I have spread them loud and clear over the years. Ah the wicked jit began to climb up behind my gaze .. the one that people mistake for pure .. safe ... humor. They forget my jit likes raw meat. The question sounded simple enough .. innocent enough ... did it not? "Whose advice did you take?"

Danger

"I spoke to Tarra .. and to Nette ... and Jax."

I think I actually snorted. Was she serious? Seriously ... serious? So I began with point A .. "So how did Tarra tell you to act around me?"

Danger

"Well.. She said that you seem to like a more quiet.. subservient type of Woman. I don't know... but She asked me if I wanted to be that type."

huh

"T'zuri was neither quiet .. nor subservient."

"I know.. and I'm not Her."

Humor began to dance a macabre little jig in my gaze.

Point B .. "So how did Leonette advise you to act around me?"

Danger

"She said.. to make a statement... make you notice me."

huh

"Did she have any good ideas as to how to do that?"

"No... we were going to talk more but... guess that wont happen now. So I had to come up with ways myself."

huh?

What ways were those again? Was it riding by my wagon with a wave? Was that my signal to follow? When have I ever acted like a sleen on scent?

So .. point C. "So how did Jax .. advise you?"

Danger

"He said to avoid you.

"Avoid me .. that will work." I nodded. Try that.

She hung her head and spoke .. "I'm sorry ..."

I asked her what for.

"Everything's just so messed up... don't know my ass from my elbow... and I'm sorry I just don't know how to do things. I mean... I want to come see you.. be with you.. but .. I don't know how to go about that. I didn't want to avoid you."

"Well my first bit of advice is .. if I say ... get to know me? That does not mean talk to everyone .... but me .... about me. And take their advice over my own."

Seemed simple enough to me. However this entire conversation was just going to be one of those that proved my assumptions terrible wrong.

"I didn't talk about you .. I asked them how I should go about things."

Was she serious? Count to ten and begin again Fonce .. "Which is about me .. right? Or were you asking advice on Jax? Or Ogedaii? Or Ayguili?"

"No .. I don't like them."

"So .. you were talking about me .. getting advice ... about me."

"I suppose .. in a way yes."

I nodded.

"I didn't think about it like that."

"I figured."

"But then if I asked you what to do .. nothing would have been a surprise."

huh? "Is there .. supposed to be a surprise?"

"I think they are nice. Have someone show up. Show you they care ... in a funny sort of way."

Was that something I was supposed to be doing? Or something she was attempting to do? Either way something had gone wrong somewhere .. I was rather sure at which point the wagon had gotten off the well traveled and secure path. I asked her .. "So what now?"

"Figure out what to do."

"What do you want from me?" She seemed to have this all planned and so far .. nothing about it had to do with me at all and the only reason it was not working for her .. was ... well .... I was not catching on. However the thought process of the steps I was supposed to take to even know about this .. was unfortunately missing.

"Go to the Trade Post with me.. after the Wars?"

huh? Had she forgotten I was there when she asked Ayguili if she could go and when he asked her who was going with her .. she told him Jax was? Was she trying to play me? I had to doubt that .. because if she was .. she was doing a very bad job of keeping the other guy on the quiet side of things. Everyone knew how much her and Jax were together. No one was surprised she was planning on going with him to the trading post. Was I surprised at the time she did not talk to me about it at all? Why yes .. yes I was. Did I have some rather punctuating thoughts for her at the time? Why yes .. yes I did. I play second to no man. Remember? So my first response to that question was .. "Why? You have Jax."

"He doesn't go trading with me. Besides .. He is .. busy with His family."

"Who was going to go with you then?"

"Ayguili said He would send a few of His men. I had to ask Him.. and when He asked me who would go with me... I just said Jax... so He would let me go. I didn't want to.. just say you."

I had so many things I wished to address there. Instead I skipped over the fact that she was fucking A fortunate she knew better than just to throw my name out there like that ... and I skipped over the fact that she lied to the Ubar so easily to get her way. If I had addressed such .. at that time ... I would have fallen precariously off subject and I was not sure I would be able to get back.

"What about my responsibilities here?" I did however add a tag line on the end of that .. I told her to be careful and not be careless with her words .. she would be held accountable for them.

I told Silken I barely believed her .. that she wanted to get to know me at all ... or had any real feelings for me. Any knowledge of me actually.

She said how could I say that .. was she not there?

Why could I not make it clear? Why was it not clear anyway to her that someone coming to me every few weeks and telling me how they feel does not fill in the time between with any sort of action to back up their words? She went on .. however ... to tell me if she did not want anything to do with me why would she have been riding passed my wagons .. waving ... and throwing feathers at me.

huh .. I told her that was a poor way to get my attention. "Do you care how I feel .. or what I want ... or how I see things?"

She said of course she did .. that was why she sought me out. I told her if .. and I meant if .. she wanted my attention she was going about it in the wrong way because I ... did not get it ... did not understand it. Obviously.

She said that was why she was there. I added that .. I was not leaving my responsibilities .. I had no desire to leave them. I told her I liked it here .. had no plans on leaving my men or my Clan unless ordered by the Ubar. She said she understood .. but I snapped back at her that I was not so sure she understood .. had she not asked this of me? How could she know me and ask me such a question in the first place? I told her once more .. that getting to know me was the only way I would lend any validity at all to her supposed feelings for me. Feelings that at this point I had very little faith in at all .. which is even further down than my usual lack of faith ... which put it rather low.

I was losing my temper .. the entire conversation was starting to get to me ... irritate me to the heights of my exasperation with the female gender and their complete obliviousness when it came to me. Was I so different? Did I not want the same things as other men? Of course if her experience with men should be judged by Shi .. I can tell you right now I am that different.

But I digress .. "I am sick and tired of people's gossip about me ... and it is gossip when someone tells you what I might like .. or what I might think or what I might find attractive to the point you change how you act in an attempt to get my attention."

I was angry.

"How the hell am I supposed to know who you are .. when you are not even yourself but what someone else gave you the advice to be? People are ridiculous .. illogical and impossible to understand!"

"I didn't mean for it to look that way Fonce. I just asked for advice.. so I wouldn't look like a boskdinky."

"So what if you are? So what if I turned out to not like you at all? So what? At least you would be yourself and by the Sky I wager you do not want me asking your bride price if I do not even like who you really are! Great mating that would be!"

Often when I vent .. I vent with ... sarcasm.

"When are you going to want a man to want you for whom you are Silken .. who you really are .. all the things you keep hidden and secret .. all the things that torment you at night and you want to share with someone who will understand you .. finally?"

"The things I keep hidden and secret.. are for the one I want... and the one I want is the one that can stop the torment at night."

Red had come to rest at my feet .. fortunately for Silken .... because after that response from her I had someone to slap upside the head. Red learned at that point she was fair game for my "misplaced" aggression. Then I spoke very carefully .. "How are you going to know who that is if you are not ... yourself?"

"You're right."

"Of course I am. So you just got some great advise from the kaiila's mouth .. what are you going to do about it?"

"Heed it."

"I hope so .. because if you fall into wallowing around in your own mistakes it will get you .. no where."

Then both women grew quiet .. Silken and the slave Red ... and that just irritated my temper even further and I told Red to go find something to do and I told Silken I hoped to see her .. around. Then I stalked off to the kaiila pens muttering about women.

I just .. do not .... get it.