Carved Memories

I was resting in my newest favored place to sit .. the steps on one of the supply wagons. The shade of it a welcome change from the burn of the Central Fire on my shoulders the entire morning. An empty wood cup held in my fingers .. the contour contemplated as it rested beneath where my thumbs came together. My thoughts somewhere with the Love Wars .. but I was still having trouble nailing down what exactly was gnawing at my heels about it. The headache was still there .. pressure mostly behind my right eye. It felt bloated and juicy. I knew I did not look different .. but it felt like my right eye was twice as big as my left and nearly ready to fall into my palm .. unable to be contained any longer by such a pathetically small socket. Something happened in the last dream walk. Something that still is with me. I keep wiping at my nose with my thumb .. but there is nothing there. Fortunately no one seems to have noticed the habit.

Mezoo came and sat next to me .. she gave me a gift .. of a sheath. It was very well made and a beautiful piece. I thanked her .. but there seemed to be more and she unwrapped her shawl to show me a blade with a carved handle .. she presented it to me as she explained it was Pacu's ... and he had been carving memories on it. Adventures and events .. as I took the weapon in my hands I could recognize many of them just at first glance .. others I had to examine closer before they triggered my remembrance of days gone by with my best friend.

I think it had been hard for Mezoo to give that up to me. I know it would be hard for me to do so in her place .. something so personal of her father's. Especially now when she was making that step to connect with Ayguili and leaving her family to make her own with him. It was brave of her to do that .. for me. It meant a lot to me .. to have it now. It felt right .. before I was to face the challenges of the Love Wars. I will feel Pacu's absence. But it will be better .. for the memories that I will carry with me.

She told me that one day she would hear the song of Pacu and Trayu .. and for the men that went with them. I told her .. there are no songs of that event. Then I changed the subject. There are only two men who know the events of that hunt .. Serge and I. And my tongue is silent. I have no doubt that his will be also .. even unto his pyre. There are things a man just does not speak of ... things not meant for the light of day. Without a damn good reason .. I will not shine a light on them.

We spoke of Ayguili .. and his intentions. It was a subject I was more than willing to switch to. I told her he better speak to me soon. Seems they had made plans all on their own. I was a little disappointed he had not spoken to me first .. that I heard it from her after the fact. But it set the parameters for how I would act with the women in his care. It was an example of what he would expect from me .. and there were no rules broken. Just a better understanding of what he would expect .. or not expect ... from me in the same situation.

I pay attention to such things.

I was relieved she held enough respect for me to speak honestly with me about it. To let me know. I am more than pleased for them. They are a great example of how to do it right .. for me. I envy their certainty. Knowing what they want and finding it. I am not jealous in a negative way .. but I am jealous in that I want that for myself .. someday. Though in the mean time I will enjoy watching them. They touch me with their emotions and feelings for each other. It reminds me why I fight to preserve our way of life .. to establish and protect and lift the Tuchuk high on the plains. For to me this is courage and faith and honor.

She told me that I was getting better at being that father figure. I asked her what she meant by that .. she said I was getting better at being there .. not only making sure everyone had what they needed but for just being there like I was that day. Listening .. and speaking. What she said offended me a little. I did not wish to tarnish her compliment .. it was given freely and with no negative motive ... but I did tell her that perhaps ... perhaps it was that people were just getting better at recognizing those things in me.

I wish I could talk to someone about the way I feel. But there is no one. Cana is too tired and weighed down by her dreams .. dreams I have been working on and yet ... the task is slow. There is so much there to cloud and it is one of the hardest ones I have encountered yet. There are many forces involved. Many who wish their fingers in that particular series of events. Much depends on his success .. powers that wish for their own outcomes ... so many it is hard to sift through the motives for a clear picture. Cana seems so tired I wish I could do this thing faster. Ayguili has given her many responsibilities ... I will not muddy those waters with my own silt.

Pacu is gone .. and the few times I have attempted it with others .. the attempts have been deftly parried with a slick turn of wrist and the conversation turned towards other things. Things that person wished to speak of .. things that were important to them. Whether or not they heard my weak attempts to speak of something within me .. I do not know. Whether or not it was a conscious move on their part not to hear it .. I do not know. I make no judgements on their motives .. only that I can not seem to find a way to speak to anyone about these thoughts.

I tried though .. this same day as Cana joined Mezoo and I near the fires. But neither woman wished to hear it. At all. Both of them told me simply to return safely. Dropping anything further. I respected it .. I know why ... but it does not make it easier to come to either one of them with these things that plague me so often. My thoughts were shoved far under the simple thoughts needed for polite conversation.

Silken joined us .. shoved in to sit next to me on the steps and elbowed me into reining in my lounge. I was surprised. I did not expect to see her for a while .. and seeing her I certainly did not expect her to approach me. There was no personal conversation .. there were others present and the idle words shared between many ... just good company. I kept padding the side of my nose .. even pinched the bridge of it and tried to blink away the feeling. But it did no good .. I finally got irritated with it enough to drive me away from people ... feeling that people were watching me even though they obviously were not.

The paranoia itself was enough to drive me into some solitude.