Water and Fire .. and Dreams

Dreams. There has been a lot of talk around the Fires about dreams .. which is odd. I can not remember a time that anyone around the First Fires spoke to me about dreams before. I do not go around telling people what I do in the Clan. I have spoken of some things .. been asked to make a talisman or two .. these things are easy for any Spex. But they are not my passion .. where I feel called. Dreams are the bone of my interests .. the rest is muscle and sinew and flesh ... necessary of course.

Pretty much why I had to tell Cana about it .. she had no idea. Yamka .. asked me about dreams and told me one of her own. I have my ideas about it .. every time she has spoken to me of them they progressively show her more. Show her something about herself. Memories trying to communicate with her. At first when she told me of them I suspected it was a backlash of stress and a naive child learning about all the big bad things in the world that she can not control. Like men. Or thinking the absolute worst thing is a man that is honest with her about how he feels .. when she has yet to meet the worst kind of man. She will bless Ayguili for his honesty if she ever crosses paths with the other kind. But until then I suppose he is the most important drama in her life and .. thus I figured this was about loss of control. However as the dreams progressed it became more obvious with the revelations she gave me that this was about her own memory .. her own mind speaking to her. It was not for me to interfere but to allow this communication to take place in the time that her own mind thought she was ready to learn it. Not before. I do not know Yamka well enough to tell her something even her mind does not believe she is ready to know.

I have had a couple of good talks with Tarra .. well I should say ... a couple of beginnings to good conversations. Tarra always .. leaves. Or goes quiet. I am seeing a side of Tarra I have not before. Not a bad side .. a different side. I do not know what inspires it .. if it is good things or bad. I do not know what has drawn her so far within herself. Not that I do not know what that is like .. I do it a lot. Get quiet .. disappear for a couple of days ... usually when I am introspective on a subject or I need to get my temper under control. Perhaps she is having a temper. I have hesitated to ask her strait up because it is not as if she has done something wrong .. it is just different. And so often when I speak to Tarra and ask her questions she gets defensive as if I am assuming something bad about her when that is the farthest thing from my mind and I just do not want to get that started again. I am a little trigger shy. I have used a crossbow .. I do not like them. I prefer the bow I was brought up with. It is precise .. and never fails me.

Tarra and I have spoken a lot about elements. Water and Fire mostly .. which suits me ... they are my favored. One out of a narcissistic sort of attraction and the other .. because it fascinates me ... calls to me. Probably why I can be found at the stream when I am not working .. those times when I seek solace from the over stimulation to my thought process. The water soothes. Like a lullaby. A woman's voice. Tarra asked me if I wanted to learn more of water. I know about water .. what I want to learn is .. from water. I want to hear it ... I can lose myself in it .. forget to think for a few brief moments. I treasure those moments. Probably because they are few and far between .. though the truth is that I would not change how I am or who I am for anything. Perhaps I only love what I can not have. I have heard that said of me before. I do not want to believe it is true .. but I understand why people think it of me. It does appear so on the surface. Usually .. it is all about me just being slow with affairs of the heart .. by the time I catch up and get any kind of grasp on what is going on ... the woman has moved on. Cursing me under her breath for a bosk headed bastard son of a .... impatient little things are women.

Which has brought my entire thought process around to Silken. I do not understand her .. not at all. I have thanked her for the stew she sent over. I have burned the notes .. as I do with any sort of written word on paper ... superstitious man that I am. But .. she rarely speaks to me. I mean .. really talks to me. The only times I have seen her for hands is when she shows up at the Fires and does not even come near me ... or riding by my wagon with a wave. I .. am not sure what to do with that. What does a man do with that? Track her down and stake her to the ground so she can not move and then have a conversation with her? I am far too lazy for such. I do not pursue women. Never have. Too many things going on in my head .. a woman really has to be around me a lot before it occurs to me that I need to find her for some reason or another .. and it is usually that logical. She has to present herself in my near vicinity more often than not in a problem solving sort of way ... before I see her as a tool to solve any problems. As damning as that seems to my heart ... I have yet .. not learned how to change it. And now she has decided to go on her trade route .. with Jax. Without even a word to me of it. The only reason I even know is she spoke it to Ayguili at the Fires. I wonder if she caught the look I gave her. I will not stand second to any man. Do women not really understand how independent I am? And full of pride? Sometimes disastrously so .. and yet I can not change it .. or at least I have not figured out how to yet... or why I should. I am a man .. when a woman refuses to even cross the fires to sit with me .. when she prefers the company of another man to my own ... I dare you to try to convince me she has feelings for me.

The entire thing begins to give me a temper .. go figure ... Fonce is irritated. Irritated about women .. certainly nothing unusual there.

Good time for a visit to the stream. I wonder if the steam will be visible.