Leaving Her .. Behind

Why is it that I feel as if I am leaving her behind? How many moves did she make without me after I disappeared and before she left herself? Was it in the North she left or in the South?

For some reason the answers to those questions do not seem to matter to me. I am still left with the distinct separation anxiety that appears to be telling me that I am indeed .. leaving her behind.

This feeling .. no matter how irrational and illogical ... still plagues me. I do not know what to do with it. It makes me angry. Irritates me. I can not make sense of it. I have no where to put it. I have no one to tell. I have no one to tell me how to deal with it. It just scratches at the inside of my skull like the squeaking of an axle needing grease.

It whispers over my shoulder and I turn to find no one there but a reflection my own face staring back at me .. reminding me I am alone again.

I know how to be alone. It is actually a more comfortable place for me than figuring out relationships. But there is no doubt that I miss her. Despite how that goes against all my carefully crafted inner sanctuaries .. my havens ... it is something that I can not deny.

My hands feel empty. My chest feels cold. I knew slaves would not fill that black hole .. but I am still angry they do not. I knew my people .. my plains ... my life would not fill that emptiness .. but I am still angry they fail to do so.

So after all this introspection I am left with two things.

I miss her.

And I am very angry.

huh