Circle of Faith

"Do we then overthrow the law by this faith? By no means! On the contrary, we uphold the Law." -Paul

It had been one of those days .. it was one of those nights ... when getting close to me was just not a good idea. I have tried to explain it before but either I fail miserably in that task or people do not have the capacity to actually understand .. that I mean it.

It is not something I say to be interesting. It is not something I say to create a curiosity. It is not something I say with the intent to create the opposite reaction than the words seem to be intended for.

The words are in themselves true and mean exactly what they sound like they mean.

I felt it .. alive ... just under my skin. Riding a raging river of my blood .. heated ... burning to the tips of my capillaries. That fire .. that consuming flame with a voracious appetite .. leaving only ashes in its wake. It prowled through my gaze .. just beyond the blackness. Seeking .. searching ... needing with a desire that I could barely restrain. The hold upon it .. tenuous ... at best.

No one saw it .. or felt it. Not Silken or even Tarra. I am learning to control it better. At least as long as no one touches me.

I left the Main Fires .. I sought solace ... cooling comfort to ease the fevered rising within me. I do not know what sets it off .. I do not know the rhymes or reasons ... I simply know that it happens and I have suffered the consequences enough not to tempt it. Or to allow anyone else to do so either.

Leonette suffered pieces of it. T'zuri less .. but she still tasted the sharpness of my tongue. I wonder if the next woman in my life will see even less of it. Where will it go? I know it will not leave me .. we are too close. I feel it .. I need it. Perhaps even in my hatred of it .. I must have it. Like a pet daemon. No one can actually control a daemon. I suppose that is what makes it .. like that.

huh

The air around the stream was cool .. soothing. I had started to let it go .. to let it consume me ... reach the surface ... when Mezoo approached. I instantly attempted to rein it in .. asking her in what must have been almost a whisper ... if she sought something from me.

She said she sought hundreds of things .. but that night it was peace that called to her ... and whatever was disturbing me.

She had no idea.

But her voice .. my memory of her ... they were enough to pull me towards the surface. Pull .. Fonce. The man. I told her sit for a while .. she was safe with me. I hoped that my statement was true. I willed it to be so.

I warned her that it was not peace that called me .. she told me she was willing to listen if I wished to share. I told her I was not sure I could .. or if I could .. that I was not sure I knew how .. or knowing how .. that I should. I chose instead to ask her .. what peace had called to her? That surely was a safer option for subject fodder.

We spoke of the elements ... of the questions Tarra had asked her. I told her that the element she felt most comfortable with .. and the one she was drawn to ... were a healthy combination. It pleased me to know this of her. It would make her path much easier.

She asked me what angered me today. I explained it to her. She asked me if I had not spoken to Ba'atar of it? I told her I was not the one that had Ba'atar's ear. And I certainly did not have his council. I was not privy to any of that information .. even when I was Oralu.

It was rare that Ba'atar asked me for my advice .. and when he did I gave it sparingly because I was not privy to enough of the information to make a logical .. well informed conclusion.

So no .. I had not spoken of my frustrations. Nor would I unless my opinion was asked for. But I would do my best to fulfill directives given .. taking care of those I was responsible for. She asked me if I could weigh life that easily on belief. I told her that I must. It was not so much belief as it was .. duty. The Ubar's word was law .. did not matter who thought it was a good law or a bad law. It simply .. was.

She told me .. that it should not anger me then. Now I knew what she meant .. if I had consigned myself to the obedience of the law .. then how could I be frustrated with the law? But I told her .. belief in the law does not necessarily mean I do not think for myself. I have opinions .. I have ideals ... I have my own way of doing things that can contrast with others rather sharply. But there is a loyalty to the whole that must come first. It is not the law of one .. but the law of the whole that I shoulder. In other words .. it is not Ba'atar's law that I salute. It is the law that the Ubar speaks and the Tuchuk follow. It is the ideal of it .. that I will follow as long as the whole survives. If the whole is threatened .. then things will become different.

We spoke of the Sky .. and that it was not the same for everyone. She liked it that way .. liked that there were different Skies for each person. I have no trust of the Sky .. hers or mine ... or anyone else's.

It was this that led me to tell her to be careful. She asked me of whom or what? I told her that tonight .. be careful of me. That tomorrow .. to be careful of many other things. She reminded me she had my word. I asked her then .. to be careful for me.

She told me that tomorrow would be a good day to be Tuchuk. That she would live well and be proud that I was a part of her life and that .. would be careful enough for both of us.

huh

Then she asked me what I wanted her to know.

And I said .. tonight? I wanted her to know she was a wise woman and that she honored her parents.

Mezoo has the ability to side step my open ended circle of belief .. trust .. peace ... faith. It has a sharp point and can rend flesh .. snagging and ripping. Mezoo reminds me of the law .. of the stable solidity of it. That which I can grasp and hold .. I just do not know how to do what with faith yet. For me .. it must be simply because I know it. I have no faith in it yet. Faith has failed me. But I did not visit that upon Mezoo.

I gave her my word .. she was safe.

It was later .. that someone else fell sharply on that hook. Impaled themselves nicely upon it. I tore and ripped to my daemon's content. It was a feeding frenzy of epic proportions. Law be damned for tonight .. I am not sorry.

I am too sated to be so.