The Empty .. Inside

I held Astar in my arms last night.

I will never forget her eyes when I told her Pacu was dead. I will never forget the way she broke against my chest and all her insides poured out of her. The tears .. the choking and sobbing ... I thought it would break her ribs or snap her spine right there in my hands.

I threw Oren a helpless look .. but Oren's eyes were far away across the plains .. up into the Sky ... where her last son had found his way home. I do not think any mother should outlive her sons. Not after seeing what I saw in Oren's eyes that night.

But I could not help Oren. I held Astar in my arms and soothed her as best I could. Tear soaked black strands of hair come loose from her braid clung to my biceps. I was afraid her tiny body would waste away with every upheaval of her tortured breath. I did not tell her to be strong. I did not tell her it would be all right. I knew she deserved these moments. I knew she deserved this time .. and my heart broke with hers ... with this family's.

Pei and Salu were there with us .. Mezoo and Pacu's First Son. Oren and I and Astar. Just us .. around the fire. We stayed there all night. Oren did what she always did .. gathered herself together and fixed us all food .. though I do not think any of us ate at all.

I held Astar in my arms all night. Cradled her to my chest like a small child. I took every sob and every tear into me. I wore them .. and I told her stories of Pacu in a low tone. Each of us did. Though First Son was silent and Mezoo wept openly for her father.

One by one they all fell asleep. One by one with exhaustion and sadness they faded as the morning drew near. I thought little Astar was asleep as well for a moment as I rested my chin on her hair .. but then I knew better. She barely breathed .. barely did her heart shudder against her ribs enough to keep her alive. I thought she was lost .. forever. But her small strangled voice broke the stillness around us.

"First Son must have a name before the pyre."

I sounded like a wet behind the ears boy without his first scar for the way my tone cracked as I replied to her .. "He will have his name before the Pyre .. I give you my word Astar."

She wilted .. I had no idea she could wilt any more than she had but ... she did. I thought she would pour through my arms right there and the soil would absorb her like the dry cracked earth soaks up the first rain of the season.

Beautiful Astar .. I held her in my arms all night beneath the moons. Just a shell of the woman I had come to know .. so much missing from the inside ...

an empty star.