Simple .. Confusion

Water. We had plenty of water. The rationing was at an end and a day of resting and restocking was called. I was sitting on my step repairing some leather when I heard the Artist's voice .. she was speaking with another woman and humming or singing. I glanced up to notice her return with an armful of water bota to her father's wagons.

I got one of those looks from her father. Like from Cana. I am starting to get irritated. Not because I have not deserved those looks in the past .. not because the potential is not there ... I have proven that too many times to have some kind of hypocritical tantrum. But I have not done anything this time .. yet. To my knowledge .. which is agreed rather sketchy at this point ... but in the memory I can recall I have never molested an unringed girl. Now .. Seveya is no child. She is older than most newly ringed women ... but I am a Tuchuk. I am brought up with the idea ingrained in my head that a ring is what signals me as a man that I can even look at that girl in any way other than family. Just as a boy can not be thought of as a man until his cheek is scarred. It is a way of life. I would have been marked for the Black Mask long ago if I had shown a taste for prepubescent flesh.

But I am still getting the looks.

I am not the one with the reputation around the Main Fires for testing the sexual mettle of the young women.

But I am the one getting the looks.

figures

She came over to me .. spoke to me about the day. I agreed. Any day with water was a good day. I could tell her approach did not please her father. But he did not speak to me .. man to man. So I must therefor assume he is not that worried. I did mention it to Seveya .. she told me her father did not approve. I no longer have to assume. I told her .. he was wise. She agreed.

And yet .. I told her ... you are here speaking to me. She said she liked speaking to me .. when I stuck around. I asked her why. She replied .. why not?

huh

So I asked her .. if she liked something .. did she not have a reason for liking it? Had she thought about it? To go against her father could not be taken so lightly .. could it?

She said that every man did not fit her father's approval. I told her I imagined that some .. fit less than ... others.

She told me she planned to go to the stream to paint and off she went.

huh

Later when I returned from the kaiila pens I hoisted my saddle up on the railing .. felt the newly opened shoulder rip a little. I had very little patience with it.

Heading to the stream to wash up I found .. women.

figures

Tarra asked me about my shoulder .. I told her it was fine that I had just torn it loose a little. The blood was fresh and healthy. She insisted on applying some salve. I allowed it .. there was not the electricity that happens some times when people get close to me. She lectured me of course .. as did Cana. They told me nothing I did not all ready know. Though I sucked it up .. in this case I deserved it.

Yamka and Seveya were there .. though they kept their own company. Seveya seems to be avoiding me .. perhaps her father got through to her. I would have more respect for him if he spoke to me himself .. man to man. But I will respect his wishes .. or what I believe to be his wishes from her own words.

Ayguili joined us and I was thankful for the company. We spoke of many things .. not the least of these were some concerns about the trail ahead of us. I spoke my thoughts .. they were simple but clear. When Ayguili asked that none of these things be spoken of for a few days I felt some annoyance. We were speaking in front of two girls who still answered to their parent or parents .. asking them to keep these things from their family was .. not comfortable for me ... but I turned and walked to them to make sure they understood. Understood that I did not think it was right to ask that of them .. but I still had to. To give it the kind of attention and importance that it deserved .. to give them the respect I felt was due.

But I do not think it was received as it was given. I do not believe it was seen as respect .. or thoughtfulness. Much as when I speak to Tarra I saw my words and intent skewed and taken to be something it is not. I felt the energy around me change.

Seveya began to angrily gather her things. I asked her what was wrong. She looked at me with clear frustration in her eyes and then told me .. nothing was wrong.

huh

I told her I would take it much better if she was honest and just told me it was none of my business. I made it clear I got the meaning of her answer even if the words were not true. I got up to leave and she spoke aside that ..

... it had everything to do with me.

huh

figures

What the hell did I do? Everyone at the stream seemed to know what was going on but me .. and Ayguili. Ayguili gave me one of those .. "women are osts" looks. Now I felt all that irritation building up within me ... but instead of grasping it I put it away. Just as I am not in the habit of baiting unringed girls .. I am also not in the habit of visiting my temper upon them either.

I am confused. I say that like it is something new. And no one seemed willing to help me out either. Sure .. give a man a problem and then tell him he is not allowed to solve it. I do not enjoy the feeling of impotence. I do not enjoy people who make me feel that way. I want to dig it up and expose it and figure it out and work on it and fix it and put it all back together in some kind of logical way that makes sense.

Like that always works for me.

Walk away Fonce .. just walk away.