Slave Light

I have not seen pink in a few hands now. I see the signs of her life .. her chores and I know she exists. She has not sought me out. I have had no time to hunt her down.

I have spent most of my time with Oren's wagons. So many things that needed to be done and .. my presence seems to add a calm to the fires. Pei and Salu do not bicker and posture as much.

Today I added a lamp to the slave wagon .. something I had overlooked. Astar asked me about it. Light in the darkness. A spot of warmth besides the red glow in the fire bowl. They will get a ration of oil .. what they do with it will depend on what they want and how well they plan it.

I have not spoken to Catch since I gave her a choice. I have seen to her care .. placed it in the hands of others to bring the things she will need. I have not had time to even return to my wagon. There is so much to do. So much to get ready for the move. So many more wagons and fewer hands. You do not realize how much one man does until he is suddenly not there. I think these particular hands are missed more than most. Speaks well of Pacu. Speaks of him as a person and what he meant to people.

I hope I am missed when I am not here. I wonder who will notice the absence of my hands.

I have not seen Silken since she told me she wanted to get to know me better. I do not know what that means. Was I supposed to seek her out? Perhaps she is busy with getting ready for the move. This has been my experience with Silken in the past however. I see her .. then she is gone busy with her life and those that take a more prominent roll in it. In the past it has been her mate and her children .. now I imagine it is her children and simply the business of living.

I have not been to the main fires in some time. I have not had time to even sleep in my wagon let alone stop and drink blackwine with my friends. I imagine everyone is busy though. It is that season.

I have meant to find Leonette and see the kaiila she spoke of. I have meant to see the fruits of her training and the seed of Holo. Sky help us all. The entire idea can not help but amuse me. I can see there is much on her mind .. but I will not pry. I hope if it is something that I can help with as a friend that she will allow me to know of it. Otherwise I will simply be the man I am and she can at least know that will not change. An outer support to a more complicated structure that is not mine to interfere with.

It is not easy for a man to step away from responsibilities that were once his .. even if he did not handle them well when they were. It is not easy to admit that .. I do. I wonder if it will be this hard when I have children and they reach that age where they stretch towards the Sky on their own. I wonder if I will be a good father. Or if I will look back on it and wonder why I let it all slip through my fingers so quickly.

I seem to do that a lot .. about many things.

Perhaps I have all ready allowed even the chance for such to slip away from me. Perhaps I will never know the answer to that question. Perhaps it is not mine to leave behind my own blood.

huh

I speak as if I am a thousand years old .. instead I have yet to see my twenty-fifth sighting of Turian walls. Tuchuk live lifetimes packed into short periods. I feel as if I have lived many of them all ready .. but I still want to live a few more. I want some experiences I have never had yet and I want second chances on a few I have. My soul may be old .. but my aspirations are as hungry as they ever were.

Perhaps that is why I added an oil lamp to the slave wagons. A thoughtful gesture I would have easily forgotten in the past. This time it was looked over .. but not forgotten. This time I listened to someone else .. and I let their thoughts sink in and take root in my brain. It is a start I suppose.

Perhaps the Sky will grant me a chance .. second or third or fifth ... just another chance to pull to myself those things that seem to always slip away through my fingers.