The Pause

Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.

All is visible and all elusive,
all is near and can't be touched.

Paper, book, pencil, glass,
rest in the shade of their names.

Time throbbing in my temples repeats
the same unchanging syllable of blood.

The light turns the indifferent wall
into a ghostly theater of reflections.

I find myself in the middle of an eye,
watching myself in its blank stare.

The moment scatters. Motionless,
I stay and go: I am a pause

Between Going and Staying the Day Wavers, written by Octavio Paz


I do not remember sleeping .. but I remember waking up. I guess I must have slept for a couple of ahn. The kids were gone from around the fire .. Oren was probably off with the verr and Astar was cleaning up the bowls and food that we had left uneaten. I watched her for a few moments .. not knowing what to say. I wished then I had the words .. any words ... but words to offer her. Not sure that those words even exist .. still wish I had them.

Instead I simply said .. "You should have woke me."

"You needed to sleep."

"I can sleep when I return to the Sky."

"You will be returning there sooner if you do not rest."

I snorted. "I have to go get Pacu." I saw her cheek twist .. I winced myself for it. "I will not be long."

"Take First Son with you .. he should be there."

"I will do that." No point wasting time and I rose and spit the nasty taste from my mouth. She brought me a small bowl of blackwine .. nothing tasted better than that heated liquid right at that moment.

"I dressed your shoulder and arm."

"I really must have been asleep."

"You bring my man back .. Fonce."

"Nothing will stop me .. Astar." She nodded to me and I spun on my heel and headed towards the kaiila pens .. knowing I would find First Son on the way. I not only found First Son but Serge.

Figures

The more the merrier I suppose .. we headed out and it did not take us long to find the spot of carnage. The dead rogue plainsmen .. the dead Tuchuk. Serge caught my eye and I just shook my head.

fucker

We wrapped our dead and took them back to camp. Let the rogues rot where they fell .. they can return to the mud. Worm food.

fuckers

First Son .. Serge and I took Pacu to Astar and she started the preparations for the Pyre.

Thus started a few days of rich hazy fog. Caught in some kind of moment's pause .. I could not grip anything .. or I could hold everything at the same time ... I am not sure which. Like a rain storm frozen .. and I could walk through it dodging each drop at will.

There was so much to do. So much that needed my attention and help. I could not wrap my head around it all and I sent word to Ba'atar that I was stepping down from my command. Oren and her family needed me now .. the boys were not ready to take it all over ... I would make sure they were ready before I handed it to them. I had a feeling this was the end of something .. and the beginning of something else. A kind of pause before it all began .. a time in between.

I kept my promise .. First Son earned his name ... but that is a different story for a different time. The name he was given was .. Pacu. We were all there at the Pyre .. plus one. Serge. Serge had been paying some special attention to Astar in the last couple of days .. whether out of guilt or something else I was not sure.

No one knew Serge was the one that had killed Pacu. No one but me and Serge. No one would know .. I would make sure of that. Serge had saved my life ..even as he almost took it in his wild berserk moment. I owed him something for that .. but not much. At the pyre I gave him a hug and I whispered in his ear as I clapped him hard on the shoulder.

"I have not forgotten you killed my best friend. I will never forget. You saved my life and I owe you something .. so I will not take your life this time. But there will be another time ... and I will repay you blood for blood in Pacu's name ... Brother. Stay away from Astar and the family or I will make it sooner rather than later."

I did not look into his eyes again .. not then. I did not want the hatred in my soul to well up and break free. Not yet .. not here. There would be a time .. I knew there would be ... and that is when I would seize it in my hand and use it like a weapon to extract my revenge.

And it would not be any berserk moment that I could not remember. Hell no .. it would be savored and precise and stretched out just as long as I could make it. I slept better in the coming nights thinking about all the ways I could do just that.