Crossing of the Wagons

We as Tuchuk do not dig a lot of post holes. We are nomadic. We follow the grazing of the bosk as they move from grass to grass. Dwellers do not realize that we do not cut grass for a herd .. and a million bosk can eat a lot of grass. It is like a constant sort of walk .. with pauses here and there for sleep. That is why our homes are on wheels. We never stop long enough to pitch a tent even. A tent is too permanent. We pitch our leather tents on large square platforms with .. well ... wheels.

Our tents are just a little more permanent in structure because we do not have to put them up and take them down as long as they just move along with us. Slender pieces of tem are formed and tied together to make the supporting structure .. the leather is stitched and formed around the shell. An opening at the top relieves the inside of smoke when the fire is lit in the copper bowl. There is a type of wooden plug that seals the hole when it rains. Then we go to decorating it all with style and color. Wealthy Tuchuk have ornate wood carvings inside .. rich Turian furniture and thick deep carpets. Carved and decorated platforms and railings. The flat platform sits high enough off the ground that a man could walk beneath it. All the wood is varnished and sealed from water. Only a lazy Tuchuk would ever have water actually get into the wood itself. We care for wood .. it is expensive and valued because there are no trees on the plains save for sometimes near streams or permanent water. But it is very rare. That is why we burn bosk shit for fires and use bosk oil for lamps. The bosk will provide.

In the winter we roam around the Northern Grass Lands ... in the summer we roam around the Southern Grass Lands. There is a big move twice a year .. but during those half years in either North or South we are constantly .. moving. There is not enough grass in one spot to last more than a couple of hands. If we stayed more than a few hands in any one area we would destroy the land and the grass would not grow back for a long time.

Which is a long drawn out thought that went with the original reason for it .. we do not dig a lot of post holes. It is back breaking blistering work .. digging a post hole. I know .. I was doing it today. I do not mind it so much .. if I am putting up a thousand stakes for a love war. There just seems to be a good reason for that. A thousand women .. the idea is motivating. Sinking great posts in the bank on either side of the flooded valley for ferrying our wagons across .. was much less exciting ... and just plain work.

Up and down the entire sides of the valley we staked and ran lines across the water. Even with so many .. it was going to take a long time to ferry hundreds of wagons across. With the currents we could not rely on just floating them .. their great flat expanses would just go down river. But the current is slow enough that with the guidelines it was possible to ferry them with little trouble. Little trouble .. but an enormous amount of labor.

By some Sky decreed omen of goodness .. we were able to accomplish it. But everyone's nerves are frayed and tender. Especially mine. When I went to the First Fires tonight I was so tired. So tired and sore I just dropped like a sack of suls. Seveya seemed to understand and brought me some blackwine and stew. It was a pleasant thing .. to be thought of. To be thought of with something hot and filling.

Now I have not been around Ba'atar's slave much. I think that is a very good thing. Tonight .. if she were mine ... I would have notched her ear. Not only did she pointedly ignore me at the fires but she would not acknowledge a thing Cana said to her. It has been a long time since I was so rudely ignored .. I would have to say since I first came to the Main Fires back in the day when Trajen was Ubar. My freshly scarred cheeks did not impress the Ubar's slaves. I had a few things to say about it then .. tonight I let it go. Either I am more secure in my own identity as a man and as a Tuchuk warrior or I was just too tired to care. Either way .. the slave is safe enough as long as she stays away from me and chooses to ignore Cana when Ba'atar is there to protect her. Of course if he allows it enough times it will be obvious it is how he wishes it to be and at that point .. even I will not step in.

Seveya struck up another conversation with me .. which considering how tired I was .. was not colorful. When I left my lean against the wagon to go sit with her and everyone else though it seemed to cut the conversation off.

Ba'atar has called a halt for a few days .. to rest and dry out the wagons. I had to wonder why we would stop for a bunch of lazy Tuchuk .. but I am certainly not going to argue that we could all use some rest. There are many repairs needed after the mud. Axles that need to be greased again. Wheels that need their leather repaired .. broken spokes. I suppose my wagon could use another coat of varnish and the leather checked after the storm.

This break we are taking is starting to sound like .. more work.

A Pattern of Welcome

Since I returned with Catch .. she has made it a mission that I not return to my wagon to find it cold .. or unlit. Always there is a smoldering bit of fire in the copper bowl. A lamp lit and turned low .. placed behind a chest to form a welcome light of softness that will not strike the eye.

I am pleased with Catch. I am pleased with the progress she has made .. learning from Dee. Learning while I am too busy to teach a slave. Her real training will begin when we reach the Southern Grass. When I have a little time to devote to what is mine. Until then she will not serve around the Main Fires. I have no desire to subject her to sour faced women who can find no good in a slave. A well trained slave rarely pleases them let alone one that I have not had time with.

I have not seen or heard from pink. I would imagine she has found another man whom she serves .. sleeps with. It is not uncommon. If the man is serious about her he will ask me for her price. If not .. she will be around sooner or later I imagine.

Another thing I plan on doing when we reach the Southern Plains is spending some time with Mezoo. My first apprentice. I am pleased. I am pleased it is Mezoo .. it feels good to be connected this way to Pacu's child. It feels right ... it feels like I am doing something for him .. for his legacy. He would be very proud of her. It feels like I am doing something for Astar. For all the times she has taken care of me .. and still does. Mezoo will not learn the ways of other Spex. She will learn my ways. It does not mean the ways of other Spex are wrong. Just different. I have no desire to learn their ways .. I expect some respect for my ways. I rarely get it though .. most think I still need to learn something. What I need to learn has nothing to do with them .. or their ways. Nor is it anything that will keep me from teaching Mezoo of mine. It feels good to have someone interested in my ways. It must bolster my identity. It lends validation. If .. when I feel Mezoo has learned enough ... she wishes to study under others that will be up to her and the head of our Clan. At that point I would have no problem with it.

I find it is easy to think .. as I lay here on my furs. The indirect glow from the lamp does not annoy me. The bit of warmth neither makes me too hot nor leaves me too cool. I find myself dreaming .. not as a Spex ... but as a man who has so many ideas and so many things to do yet. So much future that I have not tasted. So much color that has yet to be painted.

Tonight I am thankful for the welcomed glow .. for the comfort of my wagon. For the comfort of my friends. Tonight .. I do not feel so alone.

Crossing of the Bosk

We have come to where the swollen streams have flooded a wide valley and created a vast area of water we have to cross. It appears like a lake .. only with many currents hidden beneath the seeming calm surface. Currents trying their best to funnel into one outlet that is too small to handle the mass of water. It will .. eventually ... drain. But we do not have that kind of time to wait. So we will cross.

The morning started with the whoops and yells of the riders gathering the bosk and starting them towards the flooded valley. Taking them to the farthest point up stream which gave them plenty of time to get across the current while not fighting it.

They were reluctant at first .. milling around at the edge of the water and attempting to double back. But the force of the herd behind them .. the mass of animals ... would not allow such and they eventually took the plunge and started swimming for the other side.

Riders swam their kaiila on each side to keep the bosk from turning .. or swimming too far away up or down current. They would also start bunching the herd on the far bank .. guarding and keeping an eye on them as they climbed the muddy bank and spread out to graze.

It was exhausting work .. on both banks. The bosk of the Tuchuk are mighty in number and strong and spirited. But then so are the warriors and kaiila. The battle of wills was epic .. but in a Tuchuk tradition ... the bosk made across safely and still with all those spirits intact.

When I finally made it back to camp everyone was moving their things around in the wagons .. Cana and Seveya specifically struggling with a large chest. I asked them where they wished it and helped by carrying it for them. I continued to help .. Seveya had a few more trunks that needed put into the Ubar's extra wagons to help distribute the weight.

Seveya did not treat me as if I had the Bazi plague tonight. It was a pleasant change. She spoke to me like I was human .. and I spoke to her and she responded like we were normal conversing people.

Later when we were all gathered around the fires I finally broke my quiet and asked why Seveya never came to the fires to eat. At least that I saw ... which of course that night she did and startled me by being near. I should have felt foolish for asking such .. with her being there ... but I did not. The entire thing was beginning to be annoying simply because it made no sense to me. And I was finally shoved out of peace enough to ask about it.

She told me that it was her father's idea that she stay away from the fires without the Ubar there. I think I choked. That idea amused the hell out of me .. but it was not for me to share the joke. It was only for me to avoid my food sticking in my esophagus and ruining the rest of my life ... which would be shortened considerably at that point.

I told her it all made sense now. Which was a terrible lie to tell a young woman. But I suppose in a way it actually did make some kind of sense .. just not a lot of logical sense. Which means that to me it did not make much even if in some circles it might.

Now in the natural course of this conversation it did come out that she was all bent out of shape with me for wandering off in the middle of our conversation right about the first day I spoke to her. That right then she had formed an opinion of me.

figures

Can women really hold things inside that long? I told her it was not a personal insult .. that sometimes I get lost in my thoughts or lost in work. Sometimes I forget people are still standing there. The drums had sounded .. there was a lot to do. I told her that her first impression of me was wrong .. but that I could see where it had come about for her to think as she had.

She told me I was not grouchy. I asked her if she was so sure about that .. she said I had given her no reason to think otherwise and then she added .. that it was not a challenge.

Well if that did not sound familiar. Someone knows me.

Truth Behind the Eyes

Asria is frustrating.

figures

Now I rather expect a woman to be frustrating. It seems to come with the gender. Written into the basic cellular structure of femininity.

And Asria has a reason to be more frustrating than usual .. I know this is hard on her. I know the sorrow of loss and I know the reality that she is facing without that strong hand at her side. The responsibility she carries for Lei upon her shoulders alone now.

Asria approached me today while I was riding with the others. She told me Serge had been around again. I asked her .. if she wanted him around. To me .. it was a basic question that needed only a basic answer. One of those .. yes or no questions that in my head was simple enough.

But no. She told me there were worse men to have around.

huh

What the hell does that mean? Does she like him there .. does she want me to send him on his way? Is it just too soon and she wants him there but feels perhaps it is better to throw me in the mix to put a stamp of social acceptance on it?

I told her that .. yes ... there were worse men to have around but there were better ones also.

But that was not enough to get any kind of answer from her .. I finally asked her if she wanted me to speak to Serge .. to make sure of his intentions. And if I was convinced they were within the bounds of honor .. did she want him there?

She said there were worse men to have around.

huh

I think I got it. I think she wants him there but it is too early to say she wants him there because people will think she is moving too fast after the death of Trayu. I do not think she disrespects Trayu .. I think she is just lonely and wishes for the company of a man. And if Serge's intentions are honorable .. his company will not be a bad thing while she heals her mind and heart.

I do not like Serge. But the part of Serge I do not like is a part that only comes over him in battle. He has never shown himself to be anything but a good Tuchuk warrior otherwise. There are better men than Serge.

But then again .. as Asria so succinctly pointed out ... there are worse.

Let There be .. Mud

I am frustrated.

figures

The Sky did not bring me to my knees .. nor do I feel as if I have won anything. That is enough to frustrate any man. That sense of having to wait .. for all the answers ... till another time.

Mud

The entire world is made out of mud. I do not believe there is any soil or water left which is not been combined into mud. I do not believe there is a place that is not contaminated with it. It is everywhere. It clings to the wheels binding between the spokes. It grinds in the axles. The wagons weigh much more than they should .. and pulling them through the mud is a heavy chore in itself ... let alone with the extra burden.

The kaiila's claws are full of mud. Clogging and clinging to the hair of their paws. But at least they do not cut through and sink deep like the hooves of the bosk.

The more wagons are pulled through it .. the worse the trail becomes. Sky help the last of the wagons .. Sky help their bosk. At least most of the herd has gotten through .. fewer left to bog down and drown. Most of the riders keeping an eye on the old and young stuff.

The morning was full of broken axles and shattered wheels. A lot of wounded men and beasts from the shrapnel. When you put a wheel twice as large as a bosk under that kind of pressure the explosion of steel and wood is tremendous. The expelled energy is like a great weapon. I am sure there is technology there we could use against Turia .. but I am too tired and too sore to try to think about it right now. All I want is for the end of the trail to show itself .. all I want is a dry place to sleep. I want a taste of water .. with no soil. I want to step on soil with no water.

I want a lot of things it seems. But .. in there with all the things I want I can not find even a hint of a desire for any more

.. mud.

An Angry Sky

I left Cana with words. Words about the bonds created with a woman .. a woman that bears a man his children. His heirs. His future. We do not write things down for others to read years from now so they understand our thoughts. There are songs about us .. there are records with the Year Keepers. But even then great deeds are remembered .. not the pieces of a man. These are passed on through his blood. His thoughts .. his ways. They are carried on for generations. His legacy.

He is an amalgamation of all that came before him ... his ancestors lined up behind him speaking his name to the Sky. They will be remembered through him .. through his deeds ... his courage .. his honor. A man wants to stand there one day with them and speak his sons names to the Sky.

It is how I feel .. it is what I believe. It is the way of my People.

I wish I had more than words to give her. I wish I had a way to make it real .. the understanding of it. the importance of giving these things to a man.

But all I have is words .. I have never been given this thing. I have never had such myself. I can only speak what is in my head .. in my heart ... I can not show with my life. But someday I will have this.

I thought I had found this with T'zuri. I thought it was the answer .. given to me from the Sky. I do not understand why it was taken from me. I do not understand the tease of it all. I spoke with Cana about T'zuri .. a little. As much as it is hard .. as much as it hurts ... it is still good to speak of it out loud.

Tonight the Sky is angry .. lightning dances and thunder speaks. It is much how I feel. How I wish to act. I am not allowed such a show of temper as that. Tonight the Sky does not weep .. it does not simply shed tears ... tonight the Sky rages and beats out frustrations on the plains. Sending all the elements at once to test and try the mettle of man and beast.

I am ready for it .. I want it. I want the Sky to test me ... I want to feel the rage of it as it beats upon my head and upon my chest. I want to see if the Sky can match my own frustrations. I wonder which of us will win. I wonder if I will survive. I wonder if the Sky will finally bring me to my knees before it. I wonder if the Sky can break me.

Bring it on.

Priceless

Pretty if the sun won't shine
I'll be coming out to meet you
I'll be there to make you mine
You're pretty if the rain will pour
I'll be knocking at your window
I'll be begging you for more

It is as if you've come along too soon
and I'm trying to fit you in
but I can't seem to follow

You're a cutie if it all falls through
We can piece it back together
I can learn to trust you too

You're just too good to lose
and I can't refuse
so don't make me choose
between the two
I'm fed up in here
in my atmosphere
Don't you know who you are
You're my shooting star

Your pretty teach me wrong from right
'cause in love there are no answers
and in life there is no lie
You're pretty if the sun won't shine
Now you've come this far to meet me
and I know, I know you're mine

You're just too good to lose
and I can't refuse
so don't make me choose
between the two
I'm fed up in here
in my atmosphere
Don't you know who you are
You're my shooting star

Don't you know who you are
You're my shooting star

-Air Traffic

There is no doubt to the rumor that Ba'atar is enthralled with his new slave. I have been there .. I have seen it. His mind .. his attention ... is captured by her as much as her physical being is captured by him. He holds her life .. her future in the palm of his hand ... and she holds his thoughts in the frailty of her existence. A trade off .. if you will. Which usually works for a man .. all fun and games ... until someone loses an .... but you understand.

Now it has not bothered me .. Ba'atar and I do not talk much. We do not ride together or hunt together .. we do not share a fire or paga ... we do not sit and talk of personal things. So I am not missing time spent with Ba'atar. I do not care if Ba'atar likes his slave more than he likes me. I do not care if Ba'atar ignores me for a piece of naked flesh. I do not feel any disrespect for any of these things.

Someone .. however ... is.

I am not unaware .. neither are most of the people around the First Fires. Some give more of a dramatic flare to things than others about it. some just care about Cana and do not like to see her feelings hurt.

A man is entitled.

It is one of those sentences that can end there with .. final punctuation and it works. But a man has to weigh his choices. Just because he can make them and has every right to make them and there are no wrong answers ... there are unadvisable ones depending on what makes him happy in the long run. A woman can not punish a man .. not in the true impact of that word. But there are natural consequences to hurting someone close to you .. whose opinions and feelings are important. A man learns to judge these things carefully. Entitlement is not necessarily a free ride. It just means he is entitled to his choices .. and all that comes as a result of them ... good or bad.

Some men believe .. erroneously ... that entitlement is sterile of consequences. That the very word must give the world pause in such matters. Most of us learn better quickly .. or end up very alone.

But it was Cana .. sitting upon a boulder near the stream that was all alone when I stumbled across her. She invited me to sit with her and I did. It is not often that I get the chance to visit with my friend. But my friend was not herself that evening. A side glance was enough to tell me .. I did not have to see the red rimmed eyes which I did see later .. to know. I had a rather good idea why .. though I would not drag it out between us.

She asked me what brought me out to the stream alone. I told her I just could not wrap my head around people that evening. I was too far away to make contact with them .. as if the mist itself had taken up residence in my head. I told her that sometimes when I ride .. a lot ... it is hard to make that connection back to the group.

She said that sometimes she wished she could just go and ride .. like a man does. I asked her if she did not do that with her kaiila .. escape. She said she did .. that she found them easier to deal with than people sometimes. She said .. if you have a kaiila that is yours .. he is faithful to you with no reservations. They are happy to see you .. never push you away ... and do not talk too much.

I chuckled and told her that is what a man thinks of when he envisions a slave .. but I had found my kaiila were indeed better at it.

She asked me if that was what it was .. that a slave would do whatever it was that I wanted.

My brow instantly creased .. for that was not it at all. I told her .. she did not want all her kaiila to be the same ... without personality or without differences. Not always easy to handle .. having character. Being real. But that is what a slave is supposed to be .. to always be happy to see a man .. to always be faithful ... to never have any reservations.

I felt her slump beside me .. she said that is probably what made her a free woman .. she would always be who she was. I told her it was my experience that there were some women who were slaves .. no matter what circumstances they were in. And there were some women who were never meant to be slaves .. no matter what circumstance they found themselves in.

She said she would never survive as a slave .. she was who she was ... good or bad. I told her that made her the perfect Tuchuk free woman.

She told me she did not feel so perfect that night .. ah there it was then. I asked her if she wished me to ignore it .. and move on or if she wanted to speak to me of what was on her mind.

I told her I might be overstepping .. as a friend ... but that I had owned dozens of slaves ... of all varieties for varying amounts of time ... and they could not .. nor would they ever compare to the spirit and pride I found in a Tuchuk free woman. The give and take .. the challenges .... the strengths.

She said she needed to hear that .. to be reminded of her value.

My word in response to that was

... priceless.

Catch her .. if You Can

Any Tuchuk who is good at wagering is also good at tells. Those things humans do that give away their thoughts .. feelings ... even when they think they are being very good at covering them up. Bluffing.

Every human has them .. these tells. As a Black Mask I have learned extensive knowledge of tells .. even learned how to have as few of them as possible. Which takes years of training.

There are many ways and many reasons why people try to hide things from each other. From great political secrets to a woman faking an orgasm for the man she loves that never really .. quite ... gets it. And so many reasons in between. But for each of these .. there are tells. Things that give them away .. at least to someone who knows better.

I can be adept at tells .. if I am paying attention. If you can pull me out of my introspection .. my dreams ... long enough to focus.

But none of these talents are necessary with my slave Catch. She is an open book .. every sensory impute is reacted to in simplistic and unfettered ways. Touch .. whether it be a breeze .. warm breath ... or water ... has a profound impact upon her flesh. Like a delicate petal .. even the slightest amount of pressure darkens the velvet.

There was very little skill needed in the winding up of the slave Catch. In piquing her body's responses that were not even learned yet .. simply reactive. The rhythm of pulse .. the flushing of heightened awareness ... the deepened breaths with ragged trails. The soft whispered pleadings formed around words she did not even know she possessed.

The half finished sentence .. left to hang with an explosion of creative imagination that served only to craft more endings than I could ever possibly have suggested. She wore them like writing all over her body .. easy to read ... easy to understand. It spoke to every male part of me .. and I knew it would for more than I.

So I gave her the directive to run from the stream .. run to my wagon. She wore no collar .. she wore no mark on her to make her mine ... she was up for the taking. If they could catch her.

I laughed as she sprinted through the grass .. I enjoyed the excitement and fear that gave the ripe readiness of her a taste of spice. She would have to work for her goal .. she would have to evade .. dodge ... and convince when evading and dodging was not enough.

I wondered .. if she would make it. In fact ... I wagered with myself on it.

I Would Rather Face a Black Mask

I never had a mother. It leaves me slightly suspicious of some of the tendencies in women .. especially when they are directed at me. I find it unnerving .. in a way I am not used to having to problem solve. Not many people enter my personal space .. and yet there are enough of them that I do problem solve this on a regular basis .. however not many people enter my space in a "mother" sort of way. Which is a distinct sort of way different from all others.

I take care of my hands well enough .. they are hands ... they are my hands. I need them. I make use of them in a way I would not be the man I am .. without them. They are rather important to me and to what I do. So I take care of them. I just do not take care of them in the way that some do. I do not try to get rid of the calluses .. they protect me. They are there for a reason .. in places I need them to be. If my hands get dry enough that they start to crack I will use some oils on them .. that rarely happens though since I am working with leather and oils enough in my daily tasks to prevent it .. mostly. If I break a nail .. I chew it off if it gets in my way ... snags on something. I do not have time to care for them like a female. I do not see this as dysfunctional.

However .. this view was not shared by Cana. Who entered my space in a "mother" sort of way because I was chewing on my thumbnail.

I would rather have faced a entire legion of Vaci .. or a couple of well trained Black Masks. And I am one of them .. I know what that means. And I would still have rather done either one of those things. There is just not enough courage in a man for this. I have faced every challenge to my courage imaginable and I have not disappointed myself. But this ... this is not even in the realm of courage a man can possess. There is no training .. no shield ... no evasive maneuvers....

And now all the nails on one hand are filed and strait and all the ones on the other hand look normal and rough and I am even more unnerved by the entire thing.

Turia does not stand a chance against the Tuchuk if our women spot any kind of dysfunctional hand care.

fuck

Into the Mist

With the mists came silence. Sounds muffled and shrouded with the moisture laden air. People talked to me less .. I talked to them less. There was simply to exist.

Perhaps they caught the vestiges of horror that still clung to the edges of my being. Perhaps it was simply because as long as the big black bosk laid himself in the middle of the trail .. the superstitious Tuchuk would go no further. Locked within this time bubble of mist and waiting.

I spent a morning with the prospects ..Yamka .. Seveya .. and Mezoo. They did not come to speak to me as I ate and warmed myself by the fire. They were busy with some crafting of some sort. I could tell there were beads and leather involved. Most of my attention was on the fire .. the way the mist grew heavy enough to sizzle upon the hot rocks that surrounded it .. to disturb the pattern of light upon the coals. I was not impressed with the object lesson following up the most recent conversations about the elements. I did not feel I needed it shoved in my face.

I do not like the mists .. it is heavy and hard to breath in. I do not like to be shrouded and hidden from the Sky. I do not like to be swaddled in wet wool .. unable to break free into the clean clear air that I know is out there somewhere. I do not like to be blinded .. unable to see more than a wagon length in front of me. I do not like to be spread out like this .. thinking about defense ... when I can not see what might be approaching.

I can feel the electricity building .. the forces of the storm gathering beyond me and around me .. and yet I can not quite reach them ... these forces. I can not quite find my place among them. I feel dense .. stupid. Even when people are close .. I feel as if I can not quite find them.

Catch cut through it for a brief time .. her brightness like a sharp edge that cut away the mist with a eagerness and smile that lit up when she saw me. She rushed to my side and cast herself into my arms. I could tell Dee was frustrated and disapproving of her tossing aside all the teachings that Dee had shared with her. But I did not mind .. not that day. I did not mind that she burst through the mists and touched me .. found me ... forced me to shake off the gray shrouds for a moment. I told her she was an untrained cheeky kajira. But I did not think that was so bad .. the fresh air was too welcomed. Someone gave a shit enough to crawl into my dead space and they lit it all up with rays of life.

I chased her away from the First Fires. I did not want her to be reprimanded for her lawless love of life and me in it. Her lack of training was ultimately my fault .. but ... I would not have traded her for a cold pridefully trained kajira sitting on the edges and asking only to serve the masses. No .. I found the wiggling squirming mass of female flesh deposited into my hands to be a warmth I could not resist.

Like the breaking out of the Central Fire from behind a cloud .. bathing my scars and my shoulders in rays of warmth and life ... so too I find this brief encounter with my slave Catch.

Unfortunately it was not long before the mist closed in around me once more. I must wonder if anyone else will find me through this fog.

Circle of Faith

"Do we then overthrow the law by this faith? By no means! On the contrary, we uphold the Law." -Paul

It had been one of those days .. it was one of those nights ... when getting close to me was just not a good idea. I have tried to explain it before but either I fail miserably in that task or people do not have the capacity to actually understand .. that I mean it.

It is not something I say to be interesting. It is not something I say to create a curiosity. It is not something I say with the intent to create the opposite reaction than the words seem to be intended for.

The words are in themselves true and mean exactly what they sound like they mean.

I felt it .. alive ... just under my skin. Riding a raging river of my blood .. heated ... burning to the tips of my capillaries. That fire .. that consuming flame with a voracious appetite .. leaving only ashes in its wake. It prowled through my gaze .. just beyond the blackness. Seeking .. searching ... needing with a desire that I could barely restrain. The hold upon it .. tenuous ... at best.

No one saw it .. or felt it. Not Silken or even Tarra. I am learning to control it better. At least as long as no one touches me.

I left the Main Fires .. I sought solace ... cooling comfort to ease the fevered rising within me. I do not know what sets it off .. I do not know the rhymes or reasons ... I simply know that it happens and I have suffered the consequences enough not to tempt it. Or to allow anyone else to do so either.

Leonette suffered pieces of it. T'zuri less .. but she still tasted the sharpness of my tongue. I wonder if the next woman in my life will see even less of it. Where will it go? I know it will not leave me .. we are too close. I feel it .. I need it. Perhaps even in my hatred of it .. I must have it. Like a pet daemon. No one can actually control a daemon. I suppose that is what makes it .. like that.

huh

The air around the stream was cool .. soothing. I had started to let it go .. to let it consume me ... reach the surface ... when Mezoo approached. I instantly attempted to rein it in .. asking her in what must have been almost a whisper ... if she sought something from me.

She said she sought hundreds of things .. but that night it was peace that called to her ... and whatever was disturbing me.

She had no idea.

But her voice .. my memory of her ... they were enough to pull me towards the surface. Pull .. Fonce. The man. I told her sit for a while .. she was safe with me. I hoped that my statement was true. I willed it to be so.

I warned her that it was not peace that called me .. she told me she was willing to listen if I wished to share. I told her I was not sure I could .. or if I could .. that I was not sure I knew how .. or knowing how .. that I should. I chose instead to ask her .. what peace had called to her? That surely was a safer option for subject fodder.

We spoke of the elements ... of the questions Tarra had asked her. I told her that the element she felt most comfortable with .. and the one she was drawn to ... were a healthy combination. It pleased me to know this of her. It would make her path much easier.

She asked me what angered me today. I explained it to her. She asked me if I had not spoken to Ba'atar of it? I told her I was not the one that had Ba'atar's ear. And I certainly did not have his council. I was not privy to any of that information .. even when I was Oralu.

It was rare that Ba'atar asked me for my advice .. and when he did I gave it sparingly because I was not privy to enough of the information to make a logical .. well informed conclusion.

So no .. I had not spoken of my frustrations. Nor would I unless my opinion was asked for. But I would do my best to fulfill directives given .. taking care of those I was responsible for. She asked me if I could weigh life that easily on belief. I told her that I must. It was not so much belief as it was .. duty. The Ubar's word was law .. did not matter who thought it was a good law or a bad law. It simply .. was.

She told me .. that it should not anger me then. Now I knew what she meant .. if I had consigned myself to the obedience of the law .. then how could I be frustrated with the law? But I told her .. belief in the law does not necessarily mean I do not think for myself. I have opinions .. I have ideals ... I have my own way of doing things that can contrast with others rather sharply. But there is a loyalty to the whole that must come first. It is not the law of one .. but the law of the whole that I shoulder. In other words .. it is not Ba'atar's law that I salute. It is the law that the Ubar speaks and the Tuchuk follow. It is the ideal of it .. that I will follow as long as the whole survives. If the whole is threatened .. then things will become different.

We spoke of the Sky .. and that it was not the same for everyone. She liked it that way .. liked that there were different Skies for each person. I have no trust of the Sky .. hers or mine ... or anyone else's.

It was this that led me to tell her to be careful. She asked me of whom or what? I told her that tonight .. be careful of me. That tomorrow .. to be careful of many other things. She reminded me she had my word. I asked her then .. to be careful for me.

She told me that tomorrow would be a good day to be Tuchuk. That she would live well and be proud that I was a part of her life and that .. would be careful enough for both of us.

huh

Then she asked me what I wanted her to know.

And I said .. tonight? I wanted her to know she was a wise woman and that she honored her parents.

Mezoo has the ability to side step my open ended circle of belief .. trust .. peace ... faith. It has a sharp point and can rend flesh .. snagging and ripping. Mezoo reminds me of the law .. of the stable solidity of it. That which I can grasp and hold .. I just do not know how to do what with faith yet. For me .. it must be simply because I know it. I have no faith in it yet. Faith has failed me. But I did not visit that upon Mezoo.

I gave her my word .. she was safe.

It was later .. that someone else fell sharply on that hook. Impaled themselves nicely upon it. I tore and ripped to my daemon's content. It was a feeding frenzy of epic proportions. Law be damned for tonight .. I am not sorry.

I am too sated to be so.

Elemental Elements

Tarra asked to speak to me .. aside from the fires. Now I have spoken briefly with Tarra but we have not spoken much since that day at the fires when I had to walk away.

I am tired of every time I try to do something for her .. assure her of my belief in her .. my respect ... that my words are turned around into something negative.

I spend enough time being negative .. when I am not ... I would really like some damn recognition for it.

Once we were aside from the fire she told me she had done the reading that Ayguili had asked her to do .. and she had a question for me ... she asked me what element pulls me the most.

I asked her in turn .. if she meant which one pulls me or which one I possess.

She said she knew I worked with fire .. that she had seen me do so ... but she wanted to know which one spoke to me .. pulled me the most.

So I told her .. I am drawn to water. I had to smirk .. told her I did realize. She did not understand so I explained to her ... that air would feed fire ... water tended to be a little more ... traumatic.

She told me it was a good combination I had. I have to disagree. Being as how I have it .. I think I am a good authority on whether it works for me or not.

It does not.

She told me about what she had been shown .. a storm ... brothers ... and something needed from both her and I. I asked her what element she was connected to. She said she was connected to all of them .. but that water was where she was most comfortable.

I nodded .. they all spoke to me as well from time to time. But there was one constant that was always there for me ... even when it was not exactly appropriate. That was fire. I asked her then if there was something she wished from me .. or if she simply wanted to inform me of all this.

She said she wanted me to know because she felt I was someone that was to help .. as well as I should know about the storm. Especially since I had voiced a few concerns at the Main Fire.

I nodded to her and told her it was indeed appreciated.

She said .. that I may be needed with the storm .. if I was up to learning something new.

huh

I simply told her I would be there .. if I was needed.

She asked me what I meant that night at the fires .. and what I thought. So I told her .. again.

I told her that I meant that any person who doubts themselves .. who does not believe in themselves ... does their gifts a disservice. I told her I had wished her to know that her gender did not effect how I saw her as a Haruspex. That my respect .. has nothing to do with gender.

She said that .. some believe it does. That she had never doubted herself as a Spex.

I told her .. that at least she knew what I thought. For what it was worth.

She thanked me .. reminded me she had wanted me to know of the vision for the reasons stated ... I told her again I appreciated it.

She asked me if we would talk .. of more things. I told her I was wiling to talk any time ... and would continue to be so unless our line of communication broke down again. In that case I would turn and walk away and we would have to resume at another time.

She apologized .. and told me that night she was not herself. I told her I was not looking for an apology.

She returned to the fires .. and I remained where I was for some time ... thinking over the things she had said to me. The vision ... the storm to come. I wondered what would come of it.

Elements.

Fire and Water.

figures

A Skirt

Silken has taken to wearing a skirt. It was surprising to me .. I can not remember ever seeing her wear one. I told her it was weird. I did not mean it was a bad weird .. I meant it was just a different weird.

Everyone noticed of course .. it would be hard not to. It looks good on her .. more feminine. But then I have always appreciated the feminine. I hope Silken sticks with whatever is her .. not with what people think she should wear. If she is more comfortable in her leathers then she should wear them. I did inform her that her leathers did not make her look like a man .. far from it. In fact it revealed a hell of a lot more of the fact she was female than the skirt did.

Silken said she had something for me and asked me to stop by her wagon. I did so and she gave me some salve. She wanted to massage it into my muscles but I would not allow it. She accused me of not trusting her .. I told her if I did not trust her I would not accept her salve.

I had to explain to Silken that I do not always deal with touch very well. Sometimes it is better than others. Usually it needs to be my idea. She asked me if I was like Tarra .. whom she described as someone that felt other people's emotions when they touched her.

That is not how it works for me.

I got the lecture on my shoulder. I told her I had not lied to her any more than I had lied to Tarra. Besides .. I told her she had not been around.

She told me about some dreams she is having .. dreams involving me. Meeting a wall when she tries to get close. I told her .. it was in her head ... these things. I did not mean that they were not important .. I meant that she was experiencing a lot in thoughts that neither one of us had even gotten near in real life.

I told her she did not know me well enough to have met any of my real walls yet .. give it time ... I had plenty to choose from.

I had not seen her much at all since she had told me she wanted to get to know me. I commented on that .. she said there was not much chance to get to know someone around the main fires. I had to disagree. I told her there is much you can learn about someone when they are around many someone elses. Even if it is .. who they are not. She asked what I knew about her .. that she was not. I told her I did not know her well enough to answer that.

I did not mean I had nothing to say .. I just meant I did not know her well enough to say it.

I reminded her there was no rush .. I did not believe either one of us were ready for a relationship .. at least I am sure that I am not. I know it .. because I want it so bad. A relationship that is. To fill the vacuum of nothingness that keeps sucking at every cell of my body willing me to find something to fill it. That is my first clue .. I am not ready to actually have a healthy one. Relationship .. that is.

How mature of me.

I do have moments .. where I appear to be in my right mind and full of wisdom about my own life and the direction that it is going in.

And then there is the rest of the time .. which seems to be the ruling majority.

Simple .. Confusion

Water. We had plenty of water. The rationing was at an end and a day of resting and restocking was called. I was sitting on my step repairing some leather when I heard the Artist's voice .. she was speaking with another woman and humming or singing. I glanced up to notice her return with an armful of water bota to her father's wagons.

I got one of those looks from her father. Like from Cana. I am starting to get irritated. Not because I have not deserved those looks in the past .. not because the potential is not there ... I have proven that too many times to have some kind of hypocritical tantrum. But I have not done anything this time .. yet. To my knowledge .. which is agreed rather sketchy at this point ... but in the memory I can recall I have never molested an unringed girl. Now .. Seveya is no child. She is older than most newly ringed women ... but I am a Tuchuk. I am brought up with the idea ingrained in my head that a ring is what signals me as a man that I can even look at that girl in any way other than family. Just as a boy can not be thought of as a man until his cheek is scarred. It is a way of life. I would have been marked for the Black Mask long ago if I had shown a taste for prepubescent flesh.

But I am still getting the looks.

I am not the one with the reputation around the Main Fires for testing the sexual mettle of the young women.

But I am the one getting the looks.

figures

She came over to me .. spoke to me about the day. I agreed. Any day with water was a good day. I could tell her approach did not please her father. But he did not speak to me .. man to man. So I must therefor assume he is not that worried. I did mention it to Seveya .. she told me her father did not approve. I no longer have to assume. I told her .. he was wise. She agreed.

And yet .. I told her ... you are here speaking to me. She said she liked speaking to me .. when I stuck around. I asked her why. She replied .. why not?

huh

So I asked her .. if she liked something .. did she not have a reason for liking it? Had she thought about it? To go against her father could not be taken so lightly .. could it?

She said that every man did not fit her father's approval. I told her I imagined that some .. fit less than ... others.

She told me she planned to go to the stream to paint and off she went.

huh

Later when I returned from the kaiila pens I hoisted my saddle up on the railing .. felt the newly opened shoulder rip a little. I had very little patience with it.

Heading to the stream to wash up I found .. women.

figures

Tarra asked me about my shoulder .. I told her it was fine that I had just torn it loose a little. The blood was fresh and healthy. She insisted on applying some salve. I allowed it .. there was not the electricity that happens some times when people get close to me. She lectured me of course .. as did Cana. They told me nothing I did not all ready know. Though I sucked it up .. in this case I deserved it.

Yamka and Seveya were there .. though they kept their own company. Seveya seems to be avoiding me .. perhaps her father got through to her. I would have more respect for him if he spoke to me himself .. man to man. But I will respect his wishes .. or what I believe to be his wishes from her own words.

Ayguili joined us and I was thankful for the company. We spoke of many things .. not the least of these were some concerns about the trail ahead of us. I spoke my thoughts .. they were simple but clear. When Ayguili asked that none of these things be spoken of for a few days I felt some annoyance. We were speaking in front of two girls who still answered to their parent or parents .. asking them to keep these things from their family was .. not comfortable for me ... but I turned and walked to them to make sure they understood. Understood that I did not think it was right to ask that of them .. but I still had to. To give it the kind of attention and importance that it deserved .. to give them the respect I felt was due.

But I do not think it was received as it was given. I do not believe it was seen as respect .. or thoughtfulness. Much as when I speak to Tarra I saw my words and intent skewed and taken to be something it is not. I felt the energy around me change.

Seveya began to angrily gather her things. I asked her what was wrong. She looked at me with clear frustration in her eyes and then told me .. nothing was wrong.

huh

I told her I would take it much better if she was honest and just told me it was none of my business. I made it clear I got the meaning of her answer even if the words were not true. I got up to leave and she spoke aside that ..

... it had everything to do with me.

huh

figures

What the hell did I do? Everyone at the stream seemed to know what was going on but me .. and Ayguili. Ayguili gave me one of those .. "women are osts" looks. Now I felt all that irritation building up within me ... but instead of grasping it I put it away. Just as I am not in the habit of baiting unringed girls .. I am also not in the habit of visiting my temper upon them either.

I am confused. I say that like it is something new. And no one seemed willing to help me out either. Sure .. give a man a problem and then tell him he is not allowed to solve it. I do not enjoy the feeling of impotence. I do not enjoy people who make me feel that way. I want to dig it up and expose it and figure it out and work on it and fix it and put it all back together in some kind of logical way that makes sense.

Like that always works for me.

Walk away Fonce .. just walk away.

Come Away With Me

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come?

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

and I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

-Norah Jones


I was missing her. It felt a lot like trying to walk away from flesh hooks. Every step I could feel the metal tearing through my skin .. cutting it apart in jagged strips .. and yet unable to stop pulling .. stretching. As if I could pull a little faster .. a little harder ... and they would rip free.

But they do not.

I was lost in the desert. In the suffocating heat. The dry sand taking every ounce of moisture from my body .. from my mind ... leaving only the dry grit of cell against cell behind.

I could hear her voice. The low feminine timber of the words she would string together .. a tapestry that she kept connected by tunes that would lift and fall like a gentle breeze through the grass. If I closed my eyes I could almost pretend she was there .. tempting me to ... come away with her.

I wanted to pretend that it was real. Was it wrong to just .. pretend ... that I could take her hand in mine. Watching the little fingers disappear within brutal grasp of my own .. as I tried so hard to be gentle with her.

If it was wrong .. than I am wrong. I rested my head and let the memories surround me .. I stopped pulling against the hooks and just relaxed into them ... I even pushed them deeper .. until I could feel her touch. It swelled in my chest until I thought I would drown in it. I was so tired. My head was so hot .. and she touched me like a cool spring rain .. and I let it fall over me.

When I opened my eyes I saw her there .. it was her eyes ... her smile. And I felt the rush of all the things I had been wanting to say to her .. tell her ... swell up in me. But something was not right .. words began to write themselves upon her flesh ... her skin turned black with them. Little letters making little words making little sentences that stretched all over her body. No .. not this ... not again .... not her. Anything but this. I felt the desperation .. the inevitability of it all ... but I still tried to save her. I reached for her .. but the rain was still falling and her flesh tore and dissolved within my fingers. I cursed myself for my rough touch ... still trying to gather her to me ... but she ran through my fingers.

And then ... I saw that everywhere I had touched her .. the letter were starting to form on my own skin ... writing themselves faster than I could read them ... trailing up my arms from my hands.

And it was still raining.

I felt a fear I had never felt in these dreams before .. I realized I was turning to paper myself. Me .. not just her. Me .. my frantic salvation attempts turned to the very real issue of trying to save myself. But it was just as useless .. the end just as inevitable. My skin slowly sluffing off in wet sheets of liquidized parchment.

Come away with me.

But I could not. I could not stop trying to live .. to survive ... trying to gather myself even as I no longer had any hands to do it with. I had to go towards the heat and walk away from the coolness of the rain. I had to give up the soothing sounds of her voice .. her touch ... and feel the hooks again ... the horror of the suffocating desert.

I woke .. in my wagon ... my body on fire in a way I have felt very few times in my life. I tried to crawl but I had no strength left. Somewhere in the parched recesses of my brain I realized that it was my shoulder. The laconic way I had been feeling was not just a healthy tiredness from the journey. I fumbled around and found the small blade I kept in my boot .. and still not quite sure if I was still in my dreams or awake I drove the thing into my shoulder. And my world faded to black.

When I woke .. it was not the pain in my shoulder .. it was not the fact that my body was covered in sweat. It was not the first inkling that the fever had finally broke ... it was not the sickness that rose in me.. it was my own grief that overwhelmed me.

I pressed my forehead into the bare planks of the flooring of my wagon and I wept for myself .. choked on my own sorrow ... my own aloneness that at that moment seemed too much to bear ... too much to feel. I clenched my fists and shoved my knuckles against the grain of the wood and let my entire body shake with the silent sobbing that could not even reach my voice .. it was so deep within that it simply rocked my core and caved my stomach in like I was hollow inside

... perhaps I am.

Miniature Virgin Rainbow

I had been riding drag. Was a place I had found myself a lot. Years ago it was because I had drawn the drag .. the short straw ... now I suppose it was simply because I was comfortable there. Comfortable is actually not the word I should use .. perhaps .. habit ... is a better word. In my own way I enjoyed it. It was a hard .. sweaty .. dirty thankless task ... and I was good at it.

I road forward .. the gray/brown coating of dust that shrouded me and the kaiila turned us into one anonymous beast. It sifted over everything .. into my eyes .. down the back of my neck. Mixed with the sweat it took a layer of skin off beneath the leather. As I neared the first wagons Silken blew by me in a blur of red hair and red fur. She was headed to speak to Ba'atar. I was not close enough to hear their conversation but by the way she left I would guess it did not go the way she wanted it to. She did not bother to speak to me.

huh

I rode loose in the saddle .. my body turning into an extension of the kaiila as if I were sleeping. Perhaps I was .. that sort of awake sleep that helps get one through the toughest parts of the day. Hooking my knee around the saddle horn I leaned against my thigh .. drinking now and then in my attempts to wash the grit out of my teeth .. chewing on dust every time I closed my mouth.

Cana checked on me to see if I was sleeping or awake .. then the artist .. Seveya walked up closer to me. The kaleidoscope of color was the first thing that drew my attention to her. A plethora of colored ribbons were threaded through her braids and caught breaths of air occasionally to come alive and flutter.

She told me she had enjoyed my challenge with Lei .. stacking stones. I chuckled and told her I liked Lei .. she was smart. I could tell by her gait she had been walking .. I twisted in the saddle with a protest of leather so I could watch her a little closer .. asking if she rode. She told me she did .. she also told me that Kai had an attitude. Well that was probably the nicest thing anyone had said about Kai .. and I told her so with a dry chuckle.

She offered me the bota of water she was carrying and I told her I had enough .. and that she should keep herself hydrated. It was vital. I asked her if she had ever ridden towards the back .. the drag ... she told me it was where she always had been until recently when the Ubar had directed her father to move his wagons forward. Someone who knew then .. that was interesting. She said her father's health was holding. Which meant .. for now ... because people do not make statements like that unless there is this unasked question about how long that might be.

I told her she added color. And she did. My day had been shades of browns and grays .. so she not only added color ... she added a lot of color. Her features lit up with a smile .. she should smile more often ... and she said "It is my passion." So I asked her .."It is your passion .. or you have a passion for it?" And I asked her that because the two are very different for me.

Cana gave me one of those looks .. like I was supposed to know better about something .. what that was I have no clue. I was too tired .. too dirty ... too sweaty and too sore to be baiting any unsuspecting unringed virgins. Unringed virgins were not my style anyway. It was an actually legitimate and benign question about her artistic tendencies.

Along with the look came the drums .. announcing the end of the day. There was much to do to bring the wagons into their places. Good defensive positions that allowed us to be safe as well as creating the lanes between that made movement throughout the great wagon city easy and efficient.

I took that moment to remove myself from the artist. Perhaps I was not supposed to be speaking to her. Perhaps the word "passion" was not something I should have said to an unringed girl. I was too tired to figure it out.. and there was still too much to do before we lost the remaining light.

The Rhythm of .. Confrontation

I am not that old .. when you get down to actuality. But some of what I lack in age I have gained in experience. I have been a commander .. I have been an Ubar. How does a young man my age earn the respect of older .. wiser ... and more experienced men when he is put in command over them? There is only one way .. take it ... demand it.

That sounds easy .. and in a way I suppose it is ... that simple. I would not exactly say it was .. easy.

It was commander Fonce that dealt with Salu that night. Not warrior Fonce .. or friend Fonce ... not brother or uncle Fonce. I was tired. Half asleep. Irritated that Oren had asked me to handle it and .. irritated that Pacu was not here to do it. Pacu always did these things better than I did. Found some common ground to work from. But that takes time and I did not feel like I had a lot of time.

Salu is only sixteen but Salu has all ready earned his courage and loyalty scar. He is a named man .. much as I had been at that age. Which was not all that long ago.

huh

Anyway .. the boy has courage and skill. I have seen and heard of it. There are all ready songs sung of him. But I needed Salu to see me as the head of the family. I needed him to understand I was in control. And like I said .. there is only one way to do that.

We left the fires and as Salu turned to speak to me .. probably some sarcastic remark about something stupid. I really have no idea what it was because as soon as he turned I hit him. I hit him hard enough to knock him off his feet .. mostly because he was not expecting it. Before he could get back up I hit him again.. and again... and again. I never gave him a chance to defend himself .. let alone attack. The boy is no lightweight .. and I had no desire to get into a real fight with him. I made it quick .. and brutal.

He tried to talk .. yell ... scream at me. He tried to tell me how much he hated me .. or something akin to such. I was not listening. I cut every attempt at a sentence off. I proceeded to beat the fight out of the boy until he did not want to talk any more. He had nothing he wished to say. And then I spoke.

I told him I did not care. I was not going to involve myself in his life that much. I do not care what he calls himself .. but he better respect his father around me because I do remember Salukaii and I will give him and his name the honor he deserves even if that means beating his son nearly to death. I told him he was a named man .. a scarred man ... and he was free to go about his business but when it came to this family and the honor of this family I expected a few things. Some things I did not take too lightly .. some things I would be unhappy if I am disappointed about. When I spoke .. about this family ... he would listen. Or we would go through this again.

I hope we will not have to go through this again. I am not stupid .. I know that Salu .. Tao ... whatever ... will not be taken so easily by surprise. I know he will be ready for me and I have no assurance that I will be able to beat him.

I know I had the element of surprise on my side .. I know I used that to my advantage. I know that is not fair. I know that is harsh. I know I may have cost any friendship I might have had with the boy. But it was more important that there be an understanding .. a level of respect. And I do not have time to get the boy to respect my thoughts. For now he will simply have to respect my fists.

That night .. I was commander Fonce.

The Price of Denial

I was speaking to Asria. My good shoulder had found a comfortable lean against the big wheel of my wagon. She was pinching at her clothes and I asked her if she was losing weight .. she assured me that no she was not. That her clothes were growing. I nodded and told her that was normal .. it was my experience that when women were very sad their clothes seemed to grow.

She asked me if we could talk about me .. instead.

huh

After staring at her for a good few moments I told her .. of course ... and I asked her what she wished to speak about.

She said anything .. which relieved me ... then told me that my friend had come by. I asked her .. what friend? She told me was Serge and any amusement lurking in my gaze died away. I asked her if he had been around to see how she was doing .. to check on her. She said yes .. that is why he had been there to let her know he was around to help with anything she or Lei needed and Asria thought perhaps Serge had expected to be asked to stay to eat.

My gaze was probably rather direct and my focus was on her expressions .. she told me she had not asked him to stay .. she hoped that I did not think she was rude for not doing such.

So I asked her directly .. if she wanted him around.

Her eyes widened and I think I offended her by speaking so plainly.

She stumbled over her words assuring me she did not have a desire for him to be there .. and that he was just being a nice guy... was he not?

I asked her if she wanted me to find out for her.

She said no .. that it was all nothing. That she was sure it was because he had been Pacu's friend and that he was my friend .. and were we not going to talk about me?

I told her .. yes but we started talking about Serge instead. I told her if she did not wish me to speak to him ... that I would leave it as it was.

She said fine .. and then informed me that she did not want to have to think about such things.

I told her she had to .. she was a single woman now. I told her she did not have to deal with it .. that I would ... but that she did have to think about it.

She told me she did not think anyone else should be thinking about it either. I smirked at her. She then tried to make a deal with me that she would think about it when my shoulder healed. She was smug .. thinking it was obviously going to take some time.

women

I told her she was going to think about it whenever I asked her about it or I was going to start thinking for her.

I figure she will enjoy that even less.

In the mean time I am going to have to actually have a talk with Serge .. seems he is making nice to the widows of our last adventure. I am not sure what his motives are .. I do not care. As long as I breath he will not touch either one of them.

As for Asria .. I know it is hard to think about these things and I will protect her from them as much as I can but .. she can not live in her safe denial forever. She can not pretend that Trayu is here .. I wish he was.

But it is not Trayu .. it is me ... and it is about time she got used to it.

Pillow Talk

That night when I returned to my wagon I was tired. Feeling the strain of it all and I just did not seem to have enough to pull through it. It was not like me but I figured I was .. just tired.

The coals in the copper pot in my wagon were still glowing. That was pleasant to return to. My wagon did not feel so empty .. so cold and forgotten. I crouched to stir them up .. slowly adding a few pieces of chip. As the glow grew and spread out I lit the oil lamp. It was then I noticed that someone had drawn little pictures and tacked them to the support ribbing. I blinked not used to seeing the color inside my wagon .. color arranged in calm ... actually pretty pictures. So benign .. so normal. I only knew one person who could have left them.

I eased back to my furs and placed my hand on something that drew my attention. A line of beads spread out over my furs .. a trail of sorts that lead to the end of the chain where Catch had been kept for those few days before I moved her to the slave wagons.

Interesting

There at the end were some things left for me .. bits of things she must have saved for me from what had been given to her by Dee. I was touched.

Such a simple gesture .. and yet a feminine one that had been lacking in my life. One of those things you do not realize that you miss until someone does it for you and it dawns how long it has been. Pink had started to remind me of such things .. but it seemed she had found other things to occupy her time. Perhaps even another man had captured her attention .. it was not hard to imagine.

But that night nothing mattered except that I felt a little less alone and a little more thought of .. than I had the moments before I entered my wagon. The next day I carried with me a thought of her .. not what she had done but a picture of her eyes ... of the turn of her shoulder and the rich darkness of her hair.

A Tap ... At Your Window

O, why did ye not melt, and leave my sense
Unhaunted quite of all but - nothingness?

-Keats

Stop .. just stop. Be silent. Be still. Be nothing.

And yet .. be everything.

God I need you today .. I need to touch you .. your delicate skin beneath my rough fingers. I need you to touch me .. your cool caress upon my heated exterior. To remember what it is to feel. The heights and depths .. the breadth of all that I know to be real and yet find myself disconnected from so easily.

I want to be human today. I want to feel. I want to be happy and sad .. I want to love and to hate. I want to be angry and I want to feel my heart break when I pull you close into my arms and breathe the scent of your hair into my lungs and remember what it is to sleep with you close to the muscle of my chest. For those few moments to know that you are safe. That I can watch over you all night long and no one will touch you or harm you. No one will hurt you or try to capture your Beauty .. or hide it away from me.

To know for those few moments that the stories are safe. That I can come again to your window and hear the sweet tone of your voice as you paint the pictures that color my dreams and in my meager attempts I recreate them upon the pale canvas .. give them life while at the same time stripping them of their extra dimensions. To pull them from one world to another is a delicate task .. but my surgeon's fingers will not hesitate or waver for it is a thing I am driven to do.

I have lost my shadow .. my humanity ... did you keep it safe? Will you help me connect again? Tell me I have not hurt you too badly by forgetting to try to be human. It seems so far away now .. how long have I been gone this time? ... but closer for I at least want it. Seek it .. need it. I am near .. just outside your window. Will you look at me? Will you remember me? Will you remember the power of the stories and how it keeps me alive? Will you breathe them for me once more?

Help me remember. Do you remember? It always starts with ..

Once upon a time ...

©2009 Written in Search of .. The Muse of Beauty

The Great Currents

Watching the move I was reminded of the great currents of air that carry the clouds across the Sky. To see it .. from afar it seems as if some great hand of Fate is guiding the massive peoples. To be within it .. it is loud .. chaotic .. sweaty and you realize how much work it really is to orchestrate such a massive undertaking.

As I strode from Oren's wagons to my own .. which were still part of the First Wagons ... I saw the most beautiful woman. Young .. probably just a little younger than I am. Her beauty so striking I almost tripped over a cooking pot .. and the owner of that pot chased me off with a big spoon. I turned around to try to find the woman I had seen again but she was gone .. lost in the mass and press of humanity that stood on the verge of becoming mobile again.

I had never seen her before. I know I have not .. I would have remembered her. I would not be surprised to see her staked this year at the Love Wars. She was that incredible. With the currents of people moving and shifting .. our paths had crossed ... and might not ever cross again. The great moves brought people together .. mixed us up and tossed us around a little. I had to grin.

It was good to be Tuchuk.

I have painted my wagons again. I always do before a move. Always with great sweeping scenes of amalgamated color. Always a little scary .. a little dark ... but reflects how I see the world. How I see people .. without their skin.

I found Also staring at the pictures. I felt bad for a moment .. first time I ever felt bad about them. Perhaps they would scare him .. I did not want him to see things as I did. I did not want him to ever understand .. what I did. But when he turned to me I saw no fear in his eyes. He pointed to one of the flags that decorated the wagon. He wanted it. I grinned and nodded. Grabbing the railing I hoisted myself up .. balanced and swung higher on the ribbing so I could reach the flag. But it was not just one flag it was several in a string .. so I took them all and swung out letting go ... dropping to the ground near him.

I handed him the flags. But he was disappointed they did not fly as they had up on top of the wagon .. in the breeze. He tried .. and tried ... to make them catch the wind but we were too far down between the wagons for the flags to catch the currents.

I understood.

So I brought him over to the steps of my wagon and using some spare supplies I crafted a small kite for him out of the colored flags. I gestured him to follow me and I took him out just a little ways from the press of wagons that were being jostled into place .. and on the morning of the move I taught Also to fly his kite .. I taught him how to rein and ride the currents.

I was reminded of another time .. a time before the desert. When another man taught me about kites. Also is much better with them than I am .. I seem to be able to teach something I have never quite gotten the hang of. Also is quick to learn things. His fingers were easy and steady on the string .. he did not try to force or control too much but used the currents to his advantage. Just as his father had learned to direct and use the energy of the Tuchuk to orchestrate the massive move of the wagon peoples .. so his son put his mind into learning the very basics of that concept. Just as his mother knew the correct balance of strength to use on the reins .. so her son learned to use momentum and lift to guide control. I looked forward to telling Ba'atar about Also's natural talent .. and I looked forward to telling Cana that her son had the potential to rival her in her skills with a kaiila.

Yes .. it was good to be Tuchuk.

Dream a Little Dream..With Me

Aod

I did not want to talk to Aod. It was like bringing it all back. Even if she did not ask me what happened .. I would remember what happened just by looking at her. I know she knew something before I left .. how much I had no idea ... how much I really did not want to know. Like talking to someone that knows too much about you and trying not to talk about what you both know you need to talk about.

I can not believe how alone I feel. Just the knowledge he was out there doing the same things I was .. holding up as much as I was for the Tribe ... responsible for as much as I was. I had no idea how much of a friend Pacu was. That sounds odd .. I knew he was my best friend .. but I had no idea how much his loss would effect me. I did not live in fear of it .. I did not think about what would happen if he died. I feel .. old. How odd is that? It makes no sense to me.

Upon realizing how much I was thinking about it all just in anticipation of speaking to Aod .. I figured it could get no worse and I might as well stop procrastinating about it and get it done.

Logic prevails.

I found Aod sitting on the steps of her wagon with a kaleidoscope of colored strings spread across her lap. I crouched down before her .. avoiding her eyes. She waited until I took a deep inhale and a slow exhale and met her gaze with my own black one.

"You kept your word. Thank you Fonce."

"It was not easy."

"It never is. How are the families?"

Nothing like getting right to it.

"I have stepped in with Pacu's .. giving up my command for now. There was so much to do and the boys .. they can not work together at all. Pei is too easy on his brother. Salu rages at the world."

"That is not like anyone else I know."

I gave one of those dry glances to Aod that I normally reserve for Oren.

"I am also looking after Trayu's .. Asria and Lei are all that is left. But it is bringing the two families together .. something that probably would not have happened without ... this. Doran had no mate or children and he had plenty of brothers to look after his parents. Very little for me to do there."

"You are not responsible."

My gaze narrowed in focus on her .. how much did she know? "No .. but I was there .. I survived ... there seems to be a certain responsibility in just .. knowledge."

I kept my tongue about which knowledge I meant.

She nodded and seemed pleased with my answer .. though I could not explain why she would be.

"Aunt visited Mezoo." I threw that sideways at her. Still angry about it.

"And Mezoo's decision?"

I grunted .. Aod was not biting on the bait. "She wishes to understand .. and learn."

"It is well .. she was chosen ... just as you were."

"She wishes to study under me."

"It is about time you started teaching. Your Elders would like to see our time and effort passed on .. someday. Have you used the weapons I gave you?" Her fingers .. wrinkled and gnarled with age and hard use were spinning the threads into designs of knots and intricate weaves.

"The flowers?" I shook my head. "No .. what good would they do me? You do not know the great dangers and beasts that roam there. You can not know .. not and give me flowers to combat them."

"Are you sure.. Fonce? Are you sure you wish to kill them? You keep trying to take your understanding of this world into that one. Things are not always as they seem there. You can not use this world to interpret that one. That one has all new rules."

"I know when something is trying to kill me .. Aod. That world or this one .. the threat does not seem to be so different."

"All right Fonce .. take this." She held up what she had been working on .. the threads all woven and tied and strung together into a multicolored web. "Bring me one of your dreams .. Fonce. Bring it to me and I will see for myself. And if I do this for you .. you will listen to me then?"

"Aod .. I can not do this. It is too dangerous. You have no idea ..."

She gave me one of those looks ... the kind of look that reminded me how young I was and how old she was and made it clear that I had a lot to learn and to remember who I was speaking to. One of those .. Elder ... looks.

"All right .. all right ... I will bring you a dream."

All Grown Up

I found Mezoo at the fires .. watching her for a moment before I spoke ... I could see both Pacu and Astar in her. It dawned on me slowly how much she had grown up before my eyes. The last few years making the biggest differences.

I told her Oren had sent me to find her .. to speak to her. She told me that her grandmother had spoken to her of her thoughts. I asked Mezoo what she wanted.

She told me she wanted to learn .. to understand things that were happening to her and around her. She told me that she did not want to be .. she made it clear she did not want to be like Aunt.

I was some relieved at that .. The Dream War seemed a long way away from me right now .. but I was not naive enough to believe it was over. It would not be over as long as Aunt drew breath. There was a certain warning I took from Aunt making herself interested in a young Spex. It could not mean anything good for me.

I told Mezoo that if I had learned anything from my Clan it was individualized .. there should be no two Haruspex alike. Just as each person was different .. their ways of interpreting and the paths they chose to interpret were as different as their personalities.

She asked me if I would be the one to teach her .. to mentor her and I told her I would but that I wanted it to be her idea. Not Oren's. Just because Oren thought it was a good idea did not mean that I would find it to be a binding truth.

Her words held a youthful wisdom .. I told her I would do this for her. That I would speak with Aod .. but that it was only a formality.

It was about then that Asria arrived with Lei. They were welcomed to the fires. The two women chatted as women do. Lei had a small war of wills with the jit. There was an energy .. a warmth around Oren's fires that had been missing since Pacu's death. It was a good feeling.

Both Asria and Mezoo spoke of the extra food .. I told them I would help some of it be dispersed to other families and that I would also see that the slaves came over to help dry it for the move. There was not much time left and I did not want to see it wasted .. thrown to the sleen. That only reminded me I needed to see that Pei and Salu got new sleen since Pacu's had been put down at the time of his Pyre. I would make a mental note to stop by Ogedaii's fires and do just that. I also told the woman that Pei and Salu would be helping them both .. well Salu probably would be as soon as I knocked his head off a wagon side or two. He would probably say something stupid to me .. like his name was Tao ... and that would start it.

Asria was looking for salt .. I told both Asria and Mezoo to go through my supply wagons. There was Sky only knew what stored in there. Much I had never even gone through myself. I had need for very little and lived that way.

Asria then asked me a question about the First Fires. She said she had been to visit them and the Ubar had asked her what she could do for him. Asria said she kept answering what she could do for the First Fires .. but the Ubar kept wanting to know what she could do for .. him. She asked me .. what the answer to that question could have been.

My brow slowly rose at the question. I glanced around carefully before I answered her. I told her that I was sure the Ubar meant nothing personal .. that he was most likely asking her a question to bring into focus what she would be offering the First Fires as apposed to the Tribe as a whole. To find the reasoning for her wish to be a part of those fires. She tried to convince me it seemed something more .. something that made her uncomfortable.

I quickly and directly assured her she was wrong. I went so far as to make her feel foolish and childish for even speaking of it .. or wishing to understand something she should have known better than to misunderstand. She blushed .. nodded and assured me she had meant nothing by it and she knew better.

My lip curled over the white of one eyetooth and I nodded to her. If there was any guilt for what I did .. it was washed clean by the knowledge that it was for her own good. For the good of Lei. In this case I was very comfortable that the ends justified the means.

She left the fires with Lei. Black gaze slowly found a focus on Mezoo.

The next few moments were intense. I learned more about Mezoo than I meant to and there is going to be some arms length there from now on. And no I did not miss the glint of light on the blade she pulled .. even on me. I am proud of her. When the hell did she become a woman? A woman .. in all the right places? It was enough to sizzle through my brain like a raw piece of bosk on a hot skillet.

But not enough of a sizzle that I lost my intent or my warning to her. I made it very clear of where her parameters were and that I would guard them .. as if I were her father. To the point I would humiliate her and make her appear childish if she challenged my decision. I named those that Shall Not Be Named .. and I left the fear of them with her before I walked away.

Now would be the perfect time to speak to Salu .. I was in the mood for it.