You .. What?

So .. not much else left to happen in one evening .. right? Did I dare even think it could not get any more complicated? When was my crispy fried-black carcass going to learn? Not any time soon it seemed.

I walked Asria to my wagon .. to speak to her privately. I gestured for her to sit on the steps and I told her how serious the accusations were against her. It seemed fitting after the carnival of stupidity .. to remind her that they really were serious. Unfounded .. but serious.

She told me she understood that. I told her I was not going to even ask her if she had been in my wagon. At this point .. why would I give any more credence to the boskshit than I all ready had? What I really wanted to talk to her about was .. Lei. One of us needed to speak to her .. this was going to be all over the Harigga. The entire idea seemed to throw Asria into a little bit of a tailspin. I do not think she had any clue how to speak to Lei about it .. but it would have to be done. There was no telling her it was the business of adults. She would hear all about it from other children who listened in on adult conversations and none of this had been handled with any kind of delicacy. I told her I would speak to Lei myself. She thanked me for that and for .. everything else. For speaking for her .. she said I did not have to.

Of course I had to .. had she done anything wrong? Of course she had not ... so what kind of man .. Oralu ... second in command to the Ubar himself ... what kind of person would I be if I did not speak up? To not do so was paramount to a crime in my opinion.

I asked her then since .. she had obviously been seen around my wagons ... what was it she had needed to speak to me about. She said she wanted my help with getting passed her prospect status to the First Fires. To her it did not seem as if she was moving fast enough. Doing enough. I told her she was doing everything she should be doing. There was no time limit on becoming First Fires. There was no task I wished her to complete before such .. I saw no reason to believe her time line had anything wrong with it at all.

I told her to leave the First Fires if Sef was there. Right now I was not assured of the man's sanity and I did not need him practicing any of his tightly held assumptions on her. I told her my word stood over any but Ayguili's and she was to simply leave if he was around. At least until the parasite crawled back out of his ear.

She said she wanted me to understand how much I meant to her. Well I sort of expected that after the day she had experienced. I told her I knew I had been there to pick up some slack since Trayu died .. but she said it was more than that .... more than appreciation for some meat and wheel repair.

huh

I asked her what she meant .. she said I meant more to her than a friend. But she was not sure how to explain that more ... she did not seem sure what it would look like. What she was saying could mean many things .. but what I asked was .. if she was sure she was not just a little emotional after the events of the day?

She said she was emotional. I was mentally backing up looking for some solid ground to get my feet on. Emotional women are just .. not always what I am good at. She said her heightened emotional state just made her want to get this out in case she never had the chance to. She really wanted to me know how she felt.

I asked her .. if she meant ... like a brother? That was more than a friend.

"Do you want me to mean .. like a brother?"

My gaze narrowed on her. How much I hated women whose emotions were so malleable that I could create and destroy them at my will .. hinging on whatever they thought I wanted at the time. If they got it right .. it would not be that big of a deal. I might even get into it. But invariably they .. get it wrong. Which makes it a pain in my ass. I asked her if I could dictate to her how she would feel .. I asked her if I could make it whatever I wanted.

"No, that's not what I said. I want to know if that's what youwould like me to say Fonce. Would it be better for you if I liked you like abrother or.. liked you as a man?"

growl

I told her not to ask me foolish questions. I do not try to make people into what I want .. simply define your feelings for me if you can. Help me understand them .. what they mean..what .. do you want .. from me...what does that look like?"

Before I strangle you.

"It is not like a brother." She answered quietly. "I care about you. I want to be around you, talk to you. All I want from you.. is a little more. I want everything you want to give me and then just a little more."

Well at this point .. I was losing my footing. I saw Asria a bit on a pedestal. She was a woman carrying Trayu's child. I was guarding her for Trayu .. protecting them ... for him. I was having trouble wrapping my head around this. I had always seen Asria as Trayu's woman. As long as I knew them they had been together. Asria did not exist in my head as a separate entity .. without his ownership of her. His possession of her and his children.

She was talking something about when the Central Fire peeks over the horizon and is pink or .. something. I interrupted her with .. "You are being vague .. do you like me like a man ... sexually?" Which seemed a wildly inappropriate thing to ask her after the scene at the First Fires .. but I could not help it. I was trying to understand.

"Yes like a man."

No .. no that was not clear enough. "What kind of man .. the kind that touches you ... like that?"

"Yes!"

She seemed exasperated with me .. which I could understand ... I was being an insensitive asshole. I could not stop .. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am .. sure."

No pot .. no swift kick on the shin. She was handling me rather well considering. All right.. time to attempt to actually get my head around this and do some serious shifting of my own thought processes. So I asked .. "When .. how?"

"When.. there is no when. It is not a sudden thing. It is like the fire. It starts slowly and you feed it and it.. grows. Are you really so surprised?"

"Well .. yes ... I am." Yes.. as a matter of fact .. never saw that one coming. Still can not see it coming .. have to be able to see it to see it coming ... can not .... seem to. Where were we? I had been staring at her .. then it all built up again and came out as .. "Why .. why me?"

That is when she went off on me. Knew it was coming sooner or later. They all do it ... and I was backing off like she was an angry wet hornet. Like an angry wet hornet? She was .. damn it. In the middle I lost my survival instinct and told her .. she did not even know me like .. that ... yet. That was a shortsighted move on my part. She kept going .. only added fuel to her fire of righteous indignation. I was in for an ear trimming but damned if I could sit still and take it. I tried to be rational .. I tried to be logical ... none of it was working for me.

I finally told her I was .. thankful ... that she told me. That it was good to know. Better than not knowing. I think. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Not stupidity .. but some nice innocent ignorance can be really fucking convenient.

I tried to tell her that I did not have .. those ... kinds of feelings for her. I thought of her as Trayu's mate. I told her I was sort of stuck in that thought .. even though I knew Trayu was dead and logically I can wrap my head around the fact she will mate again and bear a man more children .. I just did not have my hands on that part of it as anything more than .. out there in the future sort of .... thing.

I was digging myself a very big hole.

She got all offended and told me she did not have Trayu and I mixed up. That she knew the difference and knew how she felt.

I told her quickly that no .. it was me ... that it was me who was mixed up and thinking in the past .. not her. She was probably all healthy and mature about it .. I on the other hand could not find her apart from the idea of Trayu. A man sets these lines and boundaries up for himself for a reason .. and they are not easy to change. I told her I would need time to .. figure ... these things out. That women never did give me time. She asked only that I tell her ... if and when I did. Well .. of course I would. She was important to me.

She looked so fragile then .. as she told me goodnight. I wished I had all the answers for her. I wished I could make her smile and not be so sad. I wished I could tell her things I did not know .. I wished I could produce these feelings ... but the truth was ... I just did not have them.

I do not know if Asria was .. serious. I think she was. I do not know if it was all a boiling over of the emotions from the day and she needed a strong shoulder and .. did not realize that was all it was. She seemed to know her feelings. I wish I had that kind of assurance for my own. I wish it was all that simple for me. It never had been .. even with T'zuri. Would it ever be that simple for me? Would it ever just click and I would know .. know beyond a shadow of a doubt ... what I wanted and how I wanted it. It seems to work in most every other aspect of my life .. expect when it comes to a woman to walk beside me for the rest of my life.

I wonder why that is.