Bring it .. On

"The word Wei-Chi consists of two Chinese words-Wei, which means to 'encircle', and Chi, which means 'piece.' As the game represents a struggle for life, it may be called the 'war game'."

So it begins ..

As I approached the main fires bloody-sweaty-torn up and tired I probably would have turned aside when I saw Seveya .. if she had not been making faces over a cup of something she was intent on trying to drink. It took most of the uncomfortable sensation of the other night away and made me chuckle.

I asked her what she was laboring over .. she told me ... tea. I had to ask her what possessed her. In the process of offering me some .. which I was adamant about not needing ... I saw her hand shake enough to disturb the surface of the liquid.

I thought long and hard over my next question .. while I worked the tight heavy leather gloves off my hands. Did I really wish to go there? Did I actually want to revisit this? Eventually I asked her .. if she was afraid of me.

She said no .. that she was not ... then shoved that cup up against her lips and forced herself to drink. My gaze narrowed in focus and study before a smirk started to tug at the corner of my mouth and I asked her if there was some reason .. a good one ... that she was forcing herself to drink that tea.

She said she was trying to keep herself from inserting her foot into her mouth. I gave her something I have given most any other woman in her position. I told her to speak .. and I would not judge or punish her for anything she might say. That I would wait until she was able to find the words she wanted before I would assume anything.

She began with .. "the other night at the stream" ... there was a long pause then before she finished the thought with a question .. did I know why she had to leave.

As she spoke my gaze narrowed even more .. calculating her words for she was treading on dangerous ground. Dangerous because I still had a temper about the other evening specifically and I had vowed not to return there for her own good. There was no flash of temper in my eyes .. simply an intense concentration on where she was going with this.

I replied to her that I had many thoughts .. but no answers.

Then came the verbal epistle explaining a run-on thought process that ended in a gulp of tea. I started to chuckle. Not because her words amused me .. in fact the chuckle was ill timed at best ... but because her punctuation amused me. I asked her if she would just stop drinking that shi.. tea. It was distracting.

I laid my gloves across my thigh. Glancing around us .. we were completely alone near the fires .. no one was within the sound of our voices. I asked her if she would answer a question for me .. as honestly as she could without fear that there would be any repercussions ... any consequences for anything she might say. She said she would do so. I asked Seveya .. the Artist ... what she wanted from me.

Here we are .. at an oft remembered and well known crossroads. A well traveled pathway. The beginning of all my relationships .. sometimes the ending of them as well. And then .. sometimes ... someone just sits there and does not move at all. Not choosing to go down either way. Simply refuses to make a decision at all. Which .. is as good as making the wrong one.

Her answer? "You .. unfiltered."

Instantly my gaze widened as all the arguments against such a thing piled up behind my tongue ready to be said. Ready to be spread out .. outlined and examined ... explained in great detail. I took a long slow breath .. my eyes finally returning to the normal narrowed study of her before I simply asked ..

"Why?"

She told me .. in her own words ... that she wanted to get to know me. That she cared for me .. and her feelings seemed determined to wrap around every aspect of me ... but that sometimes it felt like much was kept from .... everyone.

This has to rank as one of the greatest understatements of all time. I not only kept things from people ... I knock-down-drag-out-kill-maim-rape-pillage and destroy to protect them. Like a war.. battled honed and ready at all times. And yet most all the answers are there .. simply for the asking. Figure that out.

There was a lot in her words I wanted to address .. but instead I settled for understanding one fine point ... and I asked her how this "caring" felt to her. How it manifested itself. What kind of "caring" was it?

A rather important fine point to understand.

She said she cared about me in a way she .. herself ... did not understand yet. She admitted to being young and naive without all the answers to her own feelings .. but that she was rather sure she felt them. She knew she would not always be safe around me .. but that it changed nothing ... there was no other right now she wanted to be around. She found me confusing most of the time .. and that frustrated her.

Insert empathic smirk here. I have discovered Seveya likes to state obvious kinds of things ... I have also discovered she does it with enough style it is not redundant. Kudos to the Artist.

At the time however the content of her words built a great frustration inside of me. It caused my tone to be colored in reds of emotion as I asked her rather harshly ... "What could you possibly see .. that I have to offer you?"

She replied .. "Everything."

There was a furious urge within me to find the maggot that was infesting her brain and strangle her until it was squeezed through an eye socket falling to the ground .. to grind it beneath my heel until ... I felt better.

Everything .. what is this Everything? I do not understand this ... Everything. I am tired of women saying to me ... Everything. This smacked of T'zuri .. only completely opposite. T'zuri had offered me Everything ... Seveya wanted my .... Everything. I do not have an .. Everything. Well that is not exactly true ... I have more Everything than most people do... BUT most of it is not something anyone should want.

Ever.

But what I said was .. I do not understand this .. Everything ... give me something tangible. Give me something I can grasp in my hand and say .. this is mine. This belongs to no one else because ... it could not. It is about .. me. It fits ... only me.

There should have been a warning sign .. "Danger ... you are about to enter the outer limits of Fonce ... proceed with caution."

She rambled .. she said something about being drawn to me .. doors and how I slam them and when I do ... something about her wanting to break them down.

huh

That is when I took hold of her face. It was an impulse that started as an electrical flicker in my brain and traveled down to my fingers before I knew it .. extension of arm and grasp of her features. Her skin was cool to my heated and callused touch. I held her firmly .. but not painfully. I directed her attention to me .. with intensity.

"Who .. am I to you?"

She flinched .. not surprisingly ... dropping her cup of tea as her fingers wrapped their delicate hold around my wrist and forearm. A natural reaction .. as if she could stop any muscled response from me.

"You are the one I will preserve myself for. You are the one who maddens me to the point of confusion. You are the one who keeps inspiring me.

Her touch finally registered to me and I broke my hold .. returning my forearm to rest across my thigh. I wanted to believe those words. I wanted to believe they were about .. me. But I did not. "Connect me to this .. these words. Or I can not believe you. That you speak to me ... and not some vague idea of who you think I may be."

She let out a breath she had been holding. "There are aspects to you that others see.. that you show when around them such as good humor, patience, understanding, logic, friendship.. integrity.. strength... to name a few. But there is so much you do not share.. or want them to see.. and I may not know these parts of you.. not fully, .. like.. your temper.. the reasons for you to go to that place of wanting to hurt another.. those things you say that protect you.. that you sometimes fear... but I am not afraid to learn these things. I want to. I need to.. to see you.. wholly. I'm not going to force it.. or demand it. It is your choice. There is always a choice."

My hands had formed fists. The urge to reach out and touch her .. to make her real to me was a strong frustration spreading over my chest and infecting my brain with white hot lights that exploded into sharp pinpoints of red primordial instincts to understand .. to pull apart ... to drive asunder. "Do you not understand that I hurt everything that I draw near to? That I destroy the very things I need the most? Have you not been warned .. by me ... by others?"

"Perhaps you have pulled the wrong things to you.. who were not meant to be near you .. like that. I tend to push boundaries." She quietly reminded me.

"And what will you do when you meet my temper .. Seveya ... shut down on me? When your cheek wears the bruise of my frustrations .. can you believe that is a good thing?"

"Perhaps we can learn new ways of expressing our frustrations .. together."

I almost ripped her head off and pissed down the hole of her throat. Perhaps it was sitting around the fires that stayed my wrath. Instead of all the things I could see myself doing to her I simply growled out .. "That is not the answer to my question."

"Do I think wearing a bruise on my cheek from your frustration is a good thing? No.. but just because you strike at me, verbally or physically, doesn't mean that will chase me away. I'll just come back, push you harder.. and probably frustrate you even more. There's no guarantees how anything will turn out when those moments surface. I'm not perfect. I have faults.. which I'm sure will be pointed out time and again. But you know what? I won't let it defeat me. I'll keep on trying until I find a way.. a better way."

I ignored the passive aggressive parts of her answer chalking them up to duress due .. at least in part ... to what had to be written all over my expression just a few moments before as I visualized decapitating her .. and simply and harshly asked a question and laid down a challenge all in one.

"Will you?"

"Just wait and see." She shot back.

Which of course instantly appealed to my sense of humor and I chuckled. "We shall see .. indeed."

Game on.

And all is fair ..

"The battle is won by the player who sees the furthest--the one, that is, who can see through his opponent's move, can guess his plan and counter it, and who, when attacking, anticipates all the defensive moves of his opponent."