Vortex of Confusion

I find Seveya to be one of the most confusing women I have met in a long time. That does not mean that I have any kind of long history understanding women. Some women I do not understand in a nice comfortable way that fits how I do not understand most women. Their unpredictability is comfortable .. in its predictability of being unpredictable. And as much as that sentence seems like it does not make any sense at all .. it actually does. Which I am sure that women do as well .. just not to me.

ever

So when I say a woman is confusing I mean they are confusing in a way far and beyond the normal levels of confusion. They step out of the rut .. make themselves more of a burr beneath my saddle of comfortable predictions for my own lack of understanding. Which is not easy to do .. by the way. I consider myself rather an expert at not understanding women. So something that shoves even my expertise out of peace is .. something indeed.

A man can learn how a woman works .. on some basic levels. If he takes the time and effort he can even learn how her body works ... to a level that even the woman herself finds mystical. But it is not. I have an advantage .. I have been studying how the human body works for years. From the inside out. To use pain as a tool one must understand completely how that pain effects the body .. and also know the flip side ... how pleasure effects the body. To understand that pain used ineffectually can produce pleasure. Which is counter productive to a torturer .. but can be a lot of fun outside the Mask.

A pleasant deviation from the subject ...

However ... back to my original thought concerning women and specifically the Artist. The incident that brings all this to the forefront of my thought process was one of those typical events. A normal encounter between two people. It is a part of me .. as a Tuchuk male ... that I push and tug feeling my way. I learn who will spar with me verbally and who will not. And those that do .. I learn just how far I can take it. A man likes to know where his boundaries are. Where his urges can take him. It is how I test the word around me and where I fit into it. Now .. just because I test someone does not mean that I will do any of the things that I threaten. It just means I want to know if I can .. should the desire strike me. On the other side of that .. it might mean that I will ... then or later.

But I did not even threaten the Artist. I did not get that far. I rarely do with her. Besides she is unringed and I really do not go around threatening young women on a regular basis. Well .. perhaps that is not exactly true ..but not in a way that I feel is inappropriate. Even if Cana might think it is a little inappropriate .. I expect her to think so. Gives me stability to know that someone out there does on a regular basis .. expect better things of me. But that does not stop me from being ... me. In fact .. it makes it all better. But I am straying from the point again .. seem to be doing that a lot lately ... wandering around in thoughts like a thirsty bosk in a desert.

It bothered me she was out alone. She may not be ringed but she is not a child either. All the parts and pieces are there that assure a man she is of age ... both physical and electrical. And I warned her of this .. I do not know if she is skilled enough in social situations to get herself out of more intense interaction. And there was a larl killed recently .. not far from the Harigga. I told her there were plenty of dangers present. She asked me if I would warn her of these dangers if she did not see them right away. I told her I had been known to do so .. though I had also been known to apply a more practical lesson at times. She asked me bluntly if I .. myself ... was a danger. I told her strait ... I can be.

Then she said something that struck me .. hard ... like I had been standing on a hill holding a copper lance in the middle of a lightning storm and asking the Sky to speak to me directly. Like the Sky answered. Twisted my thoughts up in a tangled mess. So .. being me ... I asked her why she would say such a thing.

My world righted and balanced out again when she informed me it was simply because she did not believe I would hurt her .. because I did not seem like a man who liked to hurt people to her. Which was like hearing ... "I like you Fonce .. I trust you Fonce

... because you are not Fonce."

figures

I informed the Artist in no uncertain terms that she did not know me. Seveya .. not one to assume in this case .. asked me another direct question ... about whether or not I actually did want to hurt people.

I told her .. sometimes.

She asked me what took me to that place. I do not think I have ever been asked .. quite in that way before. I suppose most people do not want to know .. or perhaps they just do not know how to ask. She continued her question by offering possibilities. Anger .. frustration ... fear. I told her it was sometimes desire. Sometimes frustration .. and yes sometimes fear. Fear of these things that I am.

So much contained in that sentence. So much that I want someone to understand. Not just avoid .. but understand.

She asked me .. what those things were and I told her in the best way I had to tell her .. right then. I told her these things that have been with me for a long time. Things that protect me .. take care of me. I no longer know where those things end and I begin. She said some things are like that .. without beginning or end. That they may start out with a beginning but in time they become one. I found the thought rather profound .. if uncomfortable in the specifics we were speaking of. I asked her .. how she knew that ... where that kind of understanding had come from for her. She said she supposed it was her art. I asked .. how that was because I thought of art as a result .. a picture of understanding. She said emotions and feelings were like colors for her. Sometimes those colors combined and became something new. That sometimes she painted what was known .. and sometimes she painted to see what could be known.

She was not sure I would understand .. I did ... but my understanding was that of a Spex. I told her the practice of such was dangerous. She did not understand. I told her that not all things "to be known" are pleasant. There are things not understood that ... one could go a lifetime not understanding and it would be a ... good thing. There are things that go bump in the night. I know.

Sometimes I am that something.

The Artist said she did not fear the unknown. I informed her that fear was healthy .. without fear she could not understand courage. She said she feared the moment when she might stop trying to know .. to learn. So I asked her .. if she would keep trying to know and to learn even if she found fear of those things. She said she believed it was in her nature to do so .. to push those boundaries. I told her that if this was so .. then she had courage and even if she learned to fear she would still prevail. And I told her I respected that. Her smile in response was something I will always remember.

Then she asked me what my fears were. I told her she was cheeky and asked her why she wanted to know. She threw out that we were all ready on the subject. That amused me. But I asked her if that was the only reason. She said she was curious. She said she wanted to get to know me. Her questions were certainly the kind that went strait to the heart of the subject .. the subject of me. I told her that her words only brought out more questions .. but that for now I would tell her one fear ... the fear that I would not be understood.

She knew what I meant. I think most people are capable of understanding the concept even if they are not capable of understanding me.

So you would think that I left this conversation with one of those .. understanding ... feelings. But that is my point .. you see .. Seveya and I do not meet on any level very often other than confusion. At least for me. Most of our conversations end in her shutting down on me .. or me turning away from her when I see this impasse ... which irritates me.

So to have a conversation with her that did not end in this irritation .. is damned confusing.