Home Repairs

I am not sure what got into me. I am not sure if it is all the frustrations.. I am not sure if it was just needing some kind of change. Perhaps I simply lost my mind.

I have always allowed the black tem of my wagon to be .. well ... tem.

And black.

Varnished of course to withstand the weather and well taken care of .. but black. Yet during this layover and rest I have decided to paint everything.

I am not a painter. I am not an artist. As can be attested to by the gruesome amalgamations of color on the outside of my wagon. I am pleased with the work .. but I know many do not understand it. So now .. I have painted all the supports inside .. I have painted the wood flooring. I have painted all the chests and other pieces of wood within my wagon. I have brought over tapestries from my Spex wagon and hung them inside. More terrible and wicked amalgamations of color and bits without skin. My wagon is less a thing turned inside out as .. a thing of continuity. Even if the continuity is rather diabolically and morally horrific.

I also set everything back to the way it was and if Catch keeps moving my things I will cut her fingers off.

It is all very shocking to the eye. I would not say it was pretty or even decent. But it reflects how I feel. It mirrors my internal workings of late. Garish and bright .. writhing and alive ... hideous and comforting .. a little frustrated.

Perhaps .. a lot frustrated.

I doubt anyone will notice. No one really goes into my wagon except my slaves. And neither one of them will know it is any kind of huge change. They have not been with me long enough to understand. I do not know if it is something I can live with or if I will change it all back to my peaceful ... black.

I busied myself with the rest of the work .. the axles and wheels. The harnesses .. not only of my wagon but the rest of my wagons and those wagons I am responsible for. I checked on Asria and Lei .. Lei is sick. I am concerned but there is not much I can do with that sort of sickness. The Healers have her well in hand and I will simply make sure they are safe and comfortable and their wagons are secure.

Pei and Salu have most of the work done for Oren and Oren's wagons. It took only a little direction. Salu taking most of the responsibility with the herd and Pei with the wagons. Kept them apart which works best for getting things done.

I checked on Silken but Jax and others seem to have things well in hand for her. I have not seen Silken much. The move has us existing in different directions and different circles of life. Which seems to happen to any woman who tells me she wants to get to know me.

huh

As I sit and gaze at the interior of my wagon .. a bit of the restlessness I have been plagued with eases somewhat. It does not feel as if so much is slipping through my fingers .. away from me. It feels like perhaps I still have a chance to be and do the things that I have dreamed. The sights I have set for myself. The things I have envisioned. I am not sure why this makes a difference. What it has to do with anything at all really. It does not put me any closer to having that one woman to stand beside me. It does not give me children .. an inheritance ... a legacy. It is not the goal I have set as a Haruspex. It is not the place I see myself as a man in my future. No it is none of these things and yet ... perhaps it is something akin to hope or faith. Or simply an evidence of such.

... perhaps.