I am washing my hands of women. Which is one of those dramatic sweeping statements that will probably turn into more of a .. washing my hands "in" women. But for now .. irritation burns bright and hot.
It has been a long time since I have made statements I did not mean. Statements born on the flicker of temper. Even longer since I have visited that temper on anyone. I do not want that. I do not want to be that man again. Have I not come far enough away from those things?
My irritation was not about seeing Seveya at the stream again. It was not even about finding her star gazing.. alone again. There was a subtle frustration with the idea of her presented like a banquet of Turian delights. Perhaps I am the only one that understands the danger of the Tuchuk night. Perhaps I am the only one that understands that even Tuchuk can be tempted from the comfortable place inside their head that tells them that they will never do anything against another Tuchuk. People who make statements like that are naive. Human nature tells me differently. Remove the temptation. Keep honest men honest. The rest? That is what the Masks are for.
Are we not a People born on the cusp of violence? Learning from the moment our eyes meet the Central Fire to take what we want? From the plains .. from people ... is it such a stretch that at times that adrenaline and purpose is turned inward upon our own? To believe otherwise is ignorant. Only by the strength and iron will of our leaders is this great turbulent warring mass of humanity kept in check.
I was actually pleased to find the Artist. I was pleased for the chance to speak to her .. I do not get the chance to speak of such things with people and the conversation she offers me at times is a welcomed thing. Not many seek those things from me .. pushing me hard enough to get passed the daily routine of words to something deeper.
Perhaps it was because I warned her .. yet again ... about the dangers of the Tuchuk night. I am not sure why .. I usually do not bother after the first attempt. I do not know why I am concerned. There are easy answers. She is a favored guest of the First Fires. She is an innocent unringed girl who deserves better than what is offered from the darkness. As Oralu it is my duty to see to those within my care. Yes .. there are many easy answers to that.
Perhaps it was because I used myself as an example again. Only because I make a damned good one .. not because the need was a weight upon my shoulders that night. Not because I offered her any danger at all .. at that time. Simply because I was convenient to offer as a good reason to be careful. Was I not there? Was she not alone? Was I not a good example of Tuchuk male? I was not actually trying to scare her away. Perhaps I tried too hard to make a point ... and succeeded.
Perhaps it was because she asked me a strait question again .. and I answered her as honestly as I could. She asked me if I had any ill intentions towards her. As if I had them all on a plate I could just sample from whenever I wished .. shoving the plate away at will. If only my urges and temper were so easily cut apart and explained. I told her if I did have ill intentions towards her that I would not tell her so .. in so many words. Fact was .. I rarely knew they were even there until it was too late. How could I warn her of specifics I was feeling before the feelings took over?
Perhaps it was because when she asked me if I would lie to her .. allowing her to believe falsehoods ... there was a flicker of that temper. A moment where I felt offended she would even ask me such a question .. using such words to me. Was I not being as honest with her as I could be? Was I not offering her my very best .. the parts of me that could care and protect and value? Why would she use those words with me? Why would she nearly accuse me of such? The next words came out rather harsh .. perhaps ... I told her it was a narrow view indeed that must think it was one way or the other. Why jump from one extreme to the complete opposite. Why ask me of my worst when I offered my best? Was there not some middle there? Where I am a man of pride and honor .. of mistakes and faults?
I do not know why .. she shut down on my again. I do not know why ... she left cutting our conversation with a swift and sharp blade. Snapping at me she believed neither .. that it was just a question ... I wish you well Fonce. Perhaps she knows .. better. Perhaps she realizes that she does not want to understand the balance within me. Perhaps she only wants to believe that I am the Fonce of the First Fires. Either believe that .. or the opposite. That I am a liar. That is her right. Her choice.
I am back to that comfortable confusion with Seveya the Artist. I will not attempt to either warn her .. or speak of deeper things with her again without some understanding of what went wrong. Perhaps she sees me as Tarra does .. my words an attack ... even when I am in the middle of defending them as people and viable contributors to the Tribe. I do not know how to change who I am to make people .. safe. I only know how to avoid those who seem to get hurt by me more often than not.
In time the flare of my temper will cool to smoldering coals and in more time .. it will die out completely. Leaving me with only ashes .. ashes that I will have trouble rebuilding even the wheres and whys and hows from. In the cool aftermath it is hard for me to remember. Hard for me to explain the wall of polite conversation that someone meets .. and their inability to return to that place with me. The deeper one gets .. the more solid the wall when it is built. But it takes time.
I will miss those conversations.
No comments:
Post a Comment