Honor by Any Other .. Name

I am irritated.

I am also frustrated.

Stop the Tuchuk .. Fonce is irritated and frustrated at the same time.

figures

Salu and I got into it again around the Main Fires. Thus the irritation. Not a big surprise I suppose and nothing more than usual. But it does need to end. We need to come to some understanding. At least about his name. We made a plan to settle it aside from the fires once and for all. To have a conversation .. not so much with words.

It was after Salu left that Ogedaii started telling me what a good warrior Salu is. I started to get the idea that Ogedaii was trying to tell me something other than how much he trusted Salu in battle .. which is not something I actually have a problem with. The boy would not have the scars he does if he could not hold his own. My .. issues ... with Salu rest on a much more personal level.

Ogedaii began to try to explain Salu's thoughts .. to me ... about his name and why it ... perhaps ... was not such a bad thing that he wished to be called Tao ... something other than his given name.

Thus my frustration.

Not so much that Ogedaii tried to speak to me of these things. Ogedaii and Salu are a lot alike in many ways and are closer in age than I and Salu. Even though Salu and I are not that far apart in years .. we are very far apart in experiences. Salu had a very normal Tuchuk upbringing. A close and supportive family. Something I did not have. It has caused me to hang onto certain things harder than others.

No .. my frustration was that Ogedaii actually made some sense in his words to me. About honor and names. That perhaps it was out of honor that Salu wished to be called Tao .. not out of dishonoring his father's name. About what might be in Salu's head. Things that would never have occurred to me. I do not understand them .. I do not understand this way of thinking. But there is a glimmer of acceptance that .. it might exist. This way of thinking. Which is very frustrating to me.

No .. not because I did not think of it first. Though there is some pride there ... some ego busting. But I am not loathe to learning something new. This frustration is built on having to take apart something that was rather solid in my head and rethink again how it might go together. Which is a lot of work. And just like any other idea .. it is not alone unto itself. It has impact on many other ideas. The vista of my rethinking is stretching out like a plain's horizon.

Every time I try to grasp this new idea it spreads out so quickly that I can not quite keep up with it .. can not quite ... catch it. Like a spark that sets its voracious appetite to the grass. Such a small thing that spreads out so fast ... so dangerous. So changing .. but in a good way? I do not know .. I need to think ... I need to get this idea grasped in my hand so I can examine it before it changes everything I know to be real and solid. I must control this thought. I must ...

.. speak to Salu. I need to know if Ogedaii's words are true. I need to know from Salu's head directly how this works in his thoughts. What process brought him to this idea of names and changing his own.

But right now I am both irritated and frustrated by the entire thing so .. I shall wait to speak to Salu because that is a dangerous combination for me. For now I have forbidden him to come to the Main Fires until this is settled between us. There is plenty for him to do with the herd. And the Main Fires is no place to settle this .. any of it.