Suspended Animation

It was the music that came to me first. Clear defined notes .. I do not know what instrument they originated from ... it was nothing I had heard before. The sound was heavy .. but clear. Weighty like a heartbeat or thunder ... but sharp with clarity so that very little reverberation clouded the purity of the sound. It reminded me of a woman .. singing. Or a small child .. yes I would have to say a child with the ability to reach notes that an adult could never attempt. I felt a pang of memory .. but it was the kind of melancholy that you could taste .. savor on your tongue .. and you were almost thankful for the chance to experience such sadness mixed with longing.

Almost.

I did not wish to know more .. than that melancholy ... I did not wish to remember anything but that sensation. I did not want to remember why I was here .. wherever I was. I wanted only to follow it .. to experience it forever. As it began to drift I fought the reality that started to seep into my conscious .. I reached for the sound taking my first step towards it

... and then I heard a scream of agony cut through everything. A man's scream. A scream of tortured agony .. I knew what that scream meant ... I had caused so many of them.

But I recognized my own voice .. and I finally felt the pain that had inspired such a sound from my own lungs.

It all had happened so slowly. I wondered if it worked like that for those that had fallen beneath my own blade. Had they heard themselves scream before the realization registered in their brain? It was something I wanted to know .. something I would do my best to find out ... later.

For now there was only the pain I felt .. the pain that ripped through my chest and my back .. pain from hooks threaded through my flesh and attached to lines .. lifelines. Lifelines to something I was supposed to be remembering .. something I was supposed to know ... something I had made sure I would not ... be lured away from.

But even then I still pulled against them .. I still wanted to follow that sound that soothed with every infinitesimal slice to my tongue .. even as it lapped at my senses with mind numbing horror ... I could still taste that bursting of bitter wine flamed to life .... and I wanted more.

But it left me .. I wept for it ... longed for it .... ached for it from the depths of my bones as clarity rained on me in soft misty showers.

And I remembered. I remembered through the pain and the longing. I remembered in the cleansing mists. I remembered the dream and what I had learned. I remembered the boiling darkness .. I remembered the Nothing's name that chased the Favored Son of the Sky. I remembered the number of the Nothing's defeat.

But most of all I remembered what it was to fly .. for a few brief moments ... on the wings of sorrow's siren .. the thrall of melancholy's aria .... to taste the blood of my own burning heart upon my tongue and

... I had not had enough.

I Do Not Want to be a Slave

The night enfolded me when they left .. in the same arms that had cradled the two of them. Perhaps I knew a little bit more about the night than they did. But there was not one bit of it that I was not comfortable with .. rather secure in the fact there was nothing out there that scared me any more .. nothing that I could not conquer .. nothing that was not all ready a part of me.

I felt it .. the nudge. The come-hither beckon like a siren's whisper .. cool breath against my ear. A fingernail of lure along my shoulder ... the desire to look .... to follow. To feel. To strip the numb apathy from my body and .. feel.

How long had it been?

I brushed it aside. There were too many things going on in the Harigga for me to not be around. I should be available .. near ... to be located in case I was needed. I rose to my feet and started the walk back letting the night slip from around me in whispering tendrils of needy ribbons .. a lover's touch begging me to return to the furs ... as I neared the fires and lamp's light. There was a dominant's pleasure in the touch .. a sadist's satisfaction in the need that was betrayed ... self satisfaction in the ownership ... knowing it would be there when I wanted it.

I did not believe that there was any more room in my head for thoughts that night. There was so much .. so many things ... from the sound of the drums that morning about Asria to the brief talk with Mezoo. A talk I was rather possessive of. The part where Asria tried to climb down from her pedestal. To the cracking of a particular shell of thought with Lei and Also. The night was aging .. and my brain was surely full.

When I arrived back at my wagon the smell of food finally got to me. It .. and to a good extent Catch ... had been ignored earlier for the amount of concentrated energy I had to use to try to understand Asria. Catch is very good at blending. I suppose that is a very necessary trait for a slave to have around me. I rarely handle interruptions from slaves very well. I had been pleased with her though for not attempting to make the moments about her .. for allowing Asria and I to speak. It endeared the slave a little to my soul. The ability to rely on someone to take a backseat and let others find focus .. was a thing I valued more than I make obvious. Most women .. if not interrupting ... would have just left. Leaving it to me to find them later. But that is not something I appreciate. I am .. at best a lazy master and ... I should not have to hunt my slave down. No .. she was there ... within reach of my hand or my voice and allowed me to make the choice of whether she should be there or not.

I dropped to the step and had just started to get ready to eat when Sef .. started riding his kaiila around my wagon and making all kinds of odd and I dare say ... sexual sounds. Either he had finally lost the small thread of sanity he had left .. or ... no I am sticking with that theory and no one is going to be able to convince me it is anything else. Ever. I am going to erase the conversation that followed from my brain. Like it never happened. Ever. Just a small hole in the evening that I doubt anyone including myself .. will ever notice is missing.

I can say though .. that by the time he left my thought process was done. Checked out and on its way to sleep .. with or without me. Had enough. I drug Catch back into the wagon ... intending for her to make an excellent pillow. Something to shove around in the furs. As I was drifting off I heard her whisper in my ear.

"I do not want to be a slave."

And I thought I was done.

HA

I thought the Sky could not hold one more thing that I would or could have a thought about.

This is a colossal lesson in behavioral modification. "Do not tempt me Fonce .. I will make you one sorry son of a Bitch."

figures

My eyes flew open .. casting aside the aegis of lids as if the shield did not matter in the battle that was just about to take place. Adrenalin .. an often pleasing drug ... was this night seen as a horrific intruder. Focus was rather insanely intent on her features as she looked at me .. bathed in the last few coals from the copper bowl.

Then she smiled. A smile I have not seen from Catch before ... a smile that intrigues me even now. Who knew there was a larl behind that kit's expression? Her delicate fingers slid across my chest and the soft contour of her cheek met my stomach in a graceful caress which never took her eyes from mine .. and she whispered ..

".. I want to be .. your .... slave."

I laughed .. I laughed deeper than I have in a long ... long time.

And then I fucked the ever living sleen shit right out of her until she was properly sorry for waking me up like that.

And then we both slept like the dead.

And the day .. was by the Sky ... finally over.

Eyes of Truth

I was tired. So very tired. But there was still one thing I had left to do and I was not going to rest until it was done. There was a little girl that needed .. something. What did she need? I was chewing this over as I strode towards Ba'atar's wagons looking for Also and perhaps to find Lei as well.

Validation .. I guess if I could think of a short and simple way to sum up what I felt Lei deserved ... it was validation. To be treated like she mattered. To be noticed .. to be given the opportunity to understand. To have someone treat her feelings and questions as if they mattered. Because ... they did. Lei was not old enough to make her own decisions about the circumstances of her life. But she was old enough to think .. old enough to feel ... old enough to have opinions about what was happening to her and those in her life. Especially those in her life who had direct impact on those circumstances ... like her mother.

It was a great weight on my shoulders .. this thing. I had carried it with Ani .. but Lei was different. I had to answer questions for Lei that I never did with Ani. Ani and I communicated in a much different way .. easier ... for both of us.

Thoughts of Ani had cut the stitches on a lot of old wounds and I was bleeding from many places in my heart when I found Also and Lei. Following the trail of sightings ... I found them sitting near the stream. I did not caution them this time about the lateness of the hour or how far they were from the lamps and fire lights of the Harigga. Tonight .. it was safer out here with all the natural dangers ... that it was back there with all the man-made ones. They were cradled safely .. nestled in the quiet arms of the night and I was relieved to find them so.

The water reflected enough light from the moons high above us that I could see the shadowed expressions on their little faces. They were content and happy and I hated to disturb that .. while at the same time relieved more than I can say ... that it was a clean canvas I was about to write on. For once .. the Sky had thrown me a break .. the first one that day.

I almost called a truce .. I almost lowered my copper lance.

Almost.

They smiled a greeting to me and I crouched down next to them .. quiet ... allowing myself to ease into the night with them instead of trying to pull them out of it. As with children .. they sensed there was more than just my desire to hang with them. I could feel their expectancy building .. waiting to hear what it was about. Before it built up too high .. the pressure of something important that was unknown sending them into a panic ... I told them that I needed to speak to Lei about some things. That perhaps it was private things. Lei glanced to Also and Also met her eyes and Lei let me know that it was all right for Also to be there. I respected that .. Also would hear it all and so much better if it was from me. But bottom line .. it was Lei's choice.

Beginning .. was the hardest part ... for me. It always is. I do not have a lot of delicacy of words. I know only one way and that is strait on .. facing it in the eye ... knowing you have it to do and taking up lance and shield and just .. doing it. But I will tell you here and now .. my heart was cut open and exposed by those eyes of hers. Eyes of youth and innocence that could see right through me ..and ... I would have it no other way.

"Lei .. your mother is in some trouble. Some trouble not of her making .. but still trouble. Some people are saying some things about her that are not true. They are not very nice things..."

"Why is it important Fonce, if it's not true?"

I shifted in my crouch and a slow exhale escaped through my mouth. "It is the way of adults that we take words seriously. These words against your mother were said by important people. People of the First Fires .. an Or."

"The words of the First Fires are more important than the truth?"

I knew this was not going to be easy. "No Lei .. they are not. And the truth will come out .. but until then these words have to be taken and examined and your mother has to answer some questions."

"Why are liars more important than my mom?"

"Well .. they are not. And as soon as they are shown to be lies it will be cleared up. And those who were involved will face the consequences of speaking things that they do not know of."

"They will be punished Fonce?"

"Some of them all ready are .. Lei. And yes .. in many ways they will face the natural consequence of their words. Words are powerful things and if they are used carelessly people will no longer trust your use of them. That is why it is always important to think before you speak about people. Before you tell stories that are not yours to tell. Before you make fun or say mean things .. they can not be taken back once you give them the power of your tongue. They take on a life of their own and you can no longer control them."

Both of them were listening .. intently. I could see thoughts flickering across their expressions. Also was quiet as usual but the boy was paying close attention .. very close attention.

"Why do they want to hurt my mom?"

Well that was harder to explain .. "I am not sure they meant to hurt your mother .. Lei. To speak of their motives would be telling a story that is not mine .. do you see? I know they were careless. I know they were either being very .. cruel ... or they were very misguided in their sense of justice. Either way .. your mother is hurt ... hurting. The words were very sharp and unfair."

"Who hurt Lei's mom Fonce?" That was Also. My gaze shifted to him and I studied him for a moment. So young and still .. here it was ... that first seed of responsibility. That first flicker of protective streak. I could see it all over his face. A face he would learn to school and keep stoic .. but for now it was very clear. I could not help but glance between them .. these two. Lei's thoughts about her mother .. Also's thoughts on those who were to blame. If I needed a more obvious example of the differences between men and women .. I doubt I could find one. It was for me to answer .. those who had spoken against Asria had made it public by the order of chaining her publicly. It was for me to drag every shadowed little fire-starting word into the open and stomp it out .. show it for what it was.

"Commander Sef .. Yamka and Kaeli ... there was someone else but their name is not known. They said some things about your mother .. and I ... that are not true Lei. And Sef said some things about your baby brother or sister .. that is also not true. Some things about your father .. that are not true. About when he died. But Sef has lost his command. The Ubar took it away for the things he did and the things he said." They grew quiet as they chewed on all that and before they could ask I shook my head and said .. "I do not know why .. I only know that it was done. But Sef and Kaeli have admitted their accusations were unfounded. They did not see anything they said they saw. Yamka still has to speak on it."

Lei jumped up and balled up her tiny fists and nearly screamed at me .. "Yamka is a liar!"

I simply let my gaze fall on her .. resting there on her features as they trembled with pent up anger. She flushed bright under my gaze .. knuckling her cheeks where I knew a few tears had started to escape. Also watched her .. but I saw out of the corner of my eye the muscle of his chest start to tighten .. start to draw back his small shoulders. Her bright eyes fell beneath my own .. but in defiance she tossed herself back on the grass and pulled her boots off and threw them into the stream. Leaping back to her feet and standing there in her bare feet glaring at me .. daring me to have an issue with her for throwing a perfectly good pair of shoes away.

I did not.

"That is a healthy way to express your anger .. Lei ... if you have another pair of boots to wear."

"I'd rather go barefoot than wear those stupid old ugly boots!"

I shifted in my crouch with a protest of leather and I nodded. "I think that is emotions talking Lei. You know they were not ugly .. nor old ... nor are they stupid. The boots did not do anything to you. You are angry with Yamka .. and you have every right to be. If wearing those boots is uncomfortable for you at this point .. I can understand that but attempt ... for me at least ... to sit here and talk to me like an adult and give me the same respect I am giving you."

Well that pissed her off .. I had about as much luck with logic and Lei as I had with Asria. It set off a firestorm of tiny female indignation and she screamed at me like a wounded larl and called me a few names I am sure her mother has no idea she even knows .. before she lit into me full force and pounded on my chest with furious little fists. Just before I caught her .. to save us both from toppling into the stream ... I saw Also's eyes wide with shock and a little confusion.

Welcome to women .. Also. It does not get any easier to understand.

I let her vent all her frustrations and hurts on my chest .. and she had quite a few of them ... before she just wilted and started to weep in my arms. She molded into my embrace .. soft and feminine.

At that moment I wanted to consign every soul that had brought me there to that place in time .. to the dirt .. to the soil ... where the maggots would eat their rotting corpses and never ... ever .... would they have a chance to return to the Sky. Let them forever rest with the worms .. if the power existed in my hand right then I would have put them there myself.

I do not easily forgive.

"Don't let them touch me Fonce .. please don't let them touch me!" The little voice was pleading into my shoulder as her fists were wrapped up in my tunic. "What? No one is going to touch you Lei .. not ever.. what are you talking about? Who? ... What?" I was trying to get a hold of her shoulders .. attempting to pull her out of my chest so I could see her face .. a desperate effort to understand her words. What did she mean? Who was she afraid of .. why would say that? My large rough hands finally holding her shoulders as I detached her from my chest. Black gaze finding focus on her tear stained face.

"I'll be good Fonce, I promise please don't let them hurt me. I'll be different than my mama .. please please I'll do anything you say .." At this point her cold hands grabbed my scarred cheeks and she growled like a wet sleen pup and demanded .. "Protect me Fonce .. please don't let them touch me!"

My gaze was probably as wide as Also's at this point .. you could have knocked me over with a feather. Her words did a final number on my heart and etched her eyes right on the core of my soul. At that moment I fell hopelessly and forever in love with Lei of the Tuchuk. And there is not a power beneath the Sky that could ever .. or will ever ... change that. Sky grant me forgiveness now for all the things I will do for her if she ever realizes she has that kind of power over me. There is not a mountain I will not move or a valley I will not fill .. or a river I will not bridge ... for her to walk those little bare feet over. Sky give some self preservation to anyone with even the inclination to harm this child or by every ounce of life I have in me I will lay them to waste across these plains ... I will scatter them to the four winds and I challenge the power of the five elements to even try ... to put them back together.

It was hard to speak .. my heart was filling up my entire chest and choking off my breath. "Your mother did not do anything wrong Lei .. you grow up to be yourself ... whoever that is. I give you my word as a man ... no one will ever do anything to you or lay a hand on you unless they get through me first. And I swear to you now that when you grow up I will never give you to any man that does not feel as I do about that."

"I promise too Lei." I had forgotten Also was there. He had stood and come to rest his hand on her shoulder and she turned out of my hands and hugged him ... before she turned back to me.

"Pinkie swear Fonce."

So we all pinkie swore. The three of us .. making a pact. In a couple of years they probably would have demanded my blood. Two innocents who had no idea what the Sky could do to a person ... or perhaps they were learning. Two innocents and a man with way too much experience not to know that what was going on inside of me was not something that would ever fade or pale beneath the elements of life. A man with too much experience not to know that I was very young .. very strong ... in a position of power and I would use every bit of all those things against anyone who even looked at these children in the wrong way. My honor .. my code ... my ethics all got rewritten that night. There were "special" circumstances included ... amendments.

Then .. as quick as the storm came it was over. With youth's ability to adapt and survive .. she was done with me and all that I had just put her though. She shoved her tears aside with the heel of her hand and told Also it was high time he got back to his wagons. And .. just like that they were gone ... chattering about the events they had planed for the next day .. their voices fading as they made their way back to the Harigga and their mothers.

What will it be like to have my own children? I realize now .. that it will be even more powerful ... more life changing than this and yet .... how could it be?

Sky forgive the woman that ever bears me a child of my own blood.

You .. What?

So .. not much else left to happen in one evening .. right? Did I dare even think it could not get any more complicated? When was my crispy fried-black carcass going to learn? Not any time soon it seemed.

I walked Asria to my wagon .. to speak to her privately. I gestured for her to sit on the steps and I told her how serious the accusations were against her. It seemed fitting after the carnival of stupidity .. to remind her that they really were serious. Unfounded .. but serious.

She told me she understood that. I told her I was not going to even ask her if she had been in my wagon. At this point .. why would I give any more credence to the boskshit than I all ready had? What I really wanted to talk to her about was .. Lei. One of us needed to speak to her .. this was going to be all over the Harigga. The entire idea seemed to throw Asria into a little bit of a tailspin. I do not think she had any clue how to speak to Lei about it .. but it would have to be done. There was no telling her it was the business of adults. She would hear all about it from other children who listened in on adult conversations and none of this had been handled with any kind of delicacy. I told her I would speak to Lei myself. She thanked me for that and for .. everything else. For speaking for her .. she said I did not have to.

Of course I had to .. had she done anything wrong? Of course she had not ... so what kind of man .. Oralu ... second in command to the Ubar himself ... what kind of person would I be if I did not speak up? To not do so was paramount to a crime in my opinion.

I asked her then since .. she had obviously been seen around my wagons ... what was it she had needed to speak to me about. She said she wanted my help with getting passed her prospect status to the First Fires. To her it did not seem as if she was moving fast enough. Doing enough. I told her she was doing everything she should be doing. There was no time limit on becoming First Fires. There was no task I wished her to complete before such .. I saw no reason to believe her time line had anything wrong with it at all.

I told her to leave the First Fires if Sef was there. Right now I was not assured of the man's sanity and I did not need him practicing any of his tightly held assumptions on her. I told her my word stood over any but Ayguili's and she was to simply leave if he was around. At least until the parasite crawled back out of his ear.

She said she wanted me to understand how much I meant to her. Well I sort of expected that after the day she had experienced. I told her I knew I had been there to pick up some slack since Trayu died .. but she said it was more than that .... more than appreciation for some meat and wheel repair.

huh

I asked her what she meant .. she said I meant more to her than a friend. But she was not sure how to explain that more ... she did not seem sure what it would look like. What she was saying could mean many things .. but what I asked was .. if she was sure she was not just a little emotional after the events of the day?

She said she was emotional. I was mentally backing up looking for some solid ground to get my feet on. Emotional women are just .. not always what I am good at. She said her heightened emotional state just made her want to get this out in case she never had the chance to. She really wanted to me know how she felt.

I asked her .. if she meant ... like a brother? That was more than a friend.

"Do you want me to mean .. like a brother?"

My gaze narrowed on her. How much I hated women whose emotions were so malleable that I could create and destroy them at my will .. hinging on whatever they thought I wanted at the time. If they got it right .. it would not be that big of a deal. I might even get into it. But invariably they .. get it wrong. Which makes it a pain in my ass. I asked her if I could dictate to her how she would feel .. I asked her if I could make it whatever I wanted.

"No, that's not what I said. I want to know if that's what youwould like me to say Fonce. Would it be better for you if I liked you like abrother or.. liked you as a man?"

growl

I told her not to ask me foolish questions. I do not try to make people into what I want .. simply define your feelings for me if you can. Help me understand them .. what they mean..what .. do you want .. from me...what does that look like?"

Before I strangle you.

"It is not like a brother." She answered quietly. "I care about you. I want to be around you, talk to you. All I want from you.. is a little more. I want everything you want to give me and then just a little more."

Well at this point .. I was losing my footing. I saw Asria a bit on a pedestal. She was a woman carrying Trayu's child. I was guarding her for Trayu .. protecting them ... for him. I was having trouble wrapping my head around this. I had always seen Asria as Trayu's woman. As long as I knew them they had been together. Asria did not exist in my head as a separate entity .. without his ownership of her. His possession of her and his children.

She was talking something about when the Central Fire peeks over the horizon and is pink or .. something. I interrupted her with .. "You are being vague .. do you like me like a man ... sexually?" Which seemed a wildly inappropriate thing to ask her after the scene at the First Fires .. but I could not help it. I was trying to understand.

"Yes like a man."

No .. no that was not clear enough. "What kind of man .. the kind that touches you ... like that?"

"Yes!"

She seemed exasperated with me .. which I could understand ... I was being an insensitive asshole. I could not stop .. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am .. sure."

No pot .. no swift kick on the shin. She was handling me rather well considering. All right.. time to attempt to actually get my head around this and do some serious shifting of my own thought processes. So I asked .. "When .. how?"

"When.. there is no when. It is not a sudden thing. It is like the fire. It starts slowly and you feed it and it.. grows. Are you really so surprised?"

"Well .. yes ... I am." Yes.. as a matter of fact .. never saw that one coming. Still can not see it coming .. have to be able to see it to see it coming ... can not .... seem to. Where were we? I had been staring at her .. then it all built up again and came out as .. "Why .. why me?"

That is when she went off on me. Knew it was coming sooner or later. They all do it ... and I was backing off like she was an angry wet hornet. Like an angry wet hornet? She was .. damn it. In the middle I lost my survival instinct and told her .. she did not even know me like .. that ... yet. That was a shortsighted move on my part. She kept going .. only added fuel to her fire of righteous indignation. I was in for an ear trimming but damned if I could sit still and take it. I tried to be rational .. I tried to be logical ... none of it was working for me.

I finally told her I was .. thankful ... that she told me. That it was good to know. Better than not knowing. I think. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Not stupidity .. but some nice innocent ignorance can be really fucking convenient.

I tried to tell her that I did not have .. those ... kinds of feelings for her. I thought of her as Trayu's mate. I told her I was sort of stuck in that thought .. even though I knew Trayu was dead and logically I can wrap my head around the fact she will mate again and bear a man more children .. I just did not have my hands on that part of it as anything more than .. out there in the future sort of .... thing.

I was digging myself a very big hole.

She got all offended and told me she did not have Trayu and I mixed up. That she knew the difference and knew how she felt.

I told her quickly that no .. it was me ... that it was me who was mixed up and thinking in the past .. not her. She was probably all healthy and mature about it .. I on the other hand could not find her apart from the idea of Trayu. A man sets these lines and boundaries up for himself for a reason .. and they are not easy to change. I told her I would need time to .. figure ... these things out. That women never did give me time. She asked only that I tell her ... if and when I did. Well .. of course I would. She was important to me.

She looked so fragile then .. as she told me goodnight. I wished I had all the answers for her. I wished I could make her smile and not be so sad. I wished I could tell her things I did not know .. I wished I could produce these feelings ... but the truth was ... I just did not have them.

I do not know if Asria was .. serious. I think she was. I do not know if it was all a boiling over of the emotions from the day and she needed a strong shoulder and .. did not realize that was all it was. She seemed to know her feelings. I wish I had that kind of assurance for my own. I wish it was all that simple for me. It never had been .. even with T'zuri. Would it ever be that simple for me? Would it ever just click and I would know .. know beyond a shadow of a doubt ... what I wanted and how I wanted it. It seems to work in most every other aspect of my life .. expect when it comes to a woman to walk beside me for the rest of my life.

I wonder why that is.

A Load of ...

Leaving the Main Fires I was slightly assured that this would not .. could not really ... get any worse. I need to learn not to challenge the Sky like that. So far all standing on that hilltop with my copper lance is getting me .. is zotted and lit up like a fat man's pyre.

I love it.

When I found Asria she was telling a story and I waited for her to finish before I escorted her to the Main Fires .. intending to chain her myself. At this point I did not trust Sef as far as I could throw him ... let alone trust the madman with my pregnant ward. If there was any thought to cheer me up .. it was that I was chaining a pregnant woman to Ayguili's wagon. There was some redeeming quality there at least .. to the entire day of boskshit. A guy has to find the little things to cheer him up .. a rainbow in the dark stormy clouds.

Unfortunately Ayguili said ..that under no circumstances was Asria going to be chained to his wagon.

huh

That would be great but .. did that mean I was going to have to chain her to mine?

figures.

Ayguili was taking my rainbow and shoving it back up my ass. But really .. what are Ubars for? Where was my friend Ayguili? Friends do not let other friends drive wagons with pregnant women chained to their wheels. Just because I would do it to him .. does not mean it works the other way ... somehow it had lost all its humor.

At this point I was feeling rather regretful that I had made my report to him before this .. would have been much better to have taken him off guard. He was much too prepared. However .. let it be said that Fonce can learn from experience.

Now Asria had not been told anything .. while I walked her to the Ubar's wagon. Ayguili spoke .. about the charges ... about the lack of evidence and that he would not chain her until someone presented something solid against her. He told her the accusations were serious ... she asked him ... probably because I kept telling her to shut up .... what those accusations were. He told her she was accused of being inside the wagon of a single warrior which was inappropriate. He told her that Sef had accused her and commanded her to be chained .. that Yamka also stood in accusation ... but that until he got to the bottom of it ... Asria was safe.

Asria was starting to get mad. She had every right to be. She said it was impossible .. taking into consideration my sleen. She also said .. this must be some mistake because Yamka was her friend.

I wondered if Yamka realized what kind of friend she had in Asria. Faced with all this .. in the middle of it ... she was defending Yamka. That took some fierce pride and belief in the other woman. I hoped Yamka deserved it. Anyone should value that kind of faith .. that kind of friendship. Yamka was incredibly lucky to have someone like Asria count her as friend.

There were a lot of people there at this point. A lot of people listening and learning. Having opinions on what was going on. I was irritated with how public this was .. and yet it was not my doing. Sef and sent all this out on the drums and commanded that Asria be chained publicly to the very public Ubar's wagon. Sef had started it publicly .. I was going to see it ended ... publicly.

Cana asked to speak to the Ubar .. at this point I wanted to know something from Asria and aside I asked her where Lei was. I was pleased to find out she was off playing with Also. It would have to be dealt with .. but at least she was not present for this.

Cana .. had this glint in her eyes and a lift to her chin and I knew this was going to go all bad. I just .. knew it. I knew it like a man .. not a Spex ... in ever cell that was connected to the senses that are instilled in every man meant to warn him of impending .. female ... danger.

Sure enough .. she told Ayguili that if he was going to start chaining women for being around my wagons ... he could start with her.

great

Ah but .. that was only the beginning. Tarra stepped up and said to include her. I was mentally waving red flags at Ayguili warning him of the impending danger. Ayguili was all logical .. trying to explain no one was getting chained at that moment ... Good Sky man .. this was not the time to be assuring them it was just "not yet" .. we were about to have a full out rebellion here and all our free women chaining themselves to his wagon in protest. Sure enough .. Mezoo was next.

Ayguili said enough .. this was serious. Ayguili was not getting the flagged signals. The women let him know in no uncertain terms ... they were also serious. I finally had to use my voice .. warning Ayguili that we were about to have a bunch of women madder than wet hornets...at his wagon. That this was one of the holes in the trail I was here to warn him about. He told me he assumed I would warn him before he stepped in it ... I reminded him they were not there ... yet.

Tarra asked me if she could give Asria a cup of what I think was tea. I told her of course ... Cana asked if she could bring Asria to sit down .. all this standing was not good. This also was an .. of course. At this point Sef had arrived and I took a lean on one of the wagon wheels.

Sef has very little respect for the Ubar. I do not understand that. Scars are about respect .. respect for our ways ... respect for courage and honor and the obedience of our commanders .... the Ubar. But this was mostly between Sef and the Ubar at this point. Though I had a few things to say here and there because it was still about me and those I was responsible for.

I will say Ayguili handled Sef as well as possible. Sef tried to talk around each issue with him nearly as bad as he did with me. Ayguili addressed sending things out on the drums .. Sef told him he used Commander Code. Right on .. I was going to have to learn that one. Wait .. I had understood the message so perhaps I all ready did know Commander Code and I just was unaware.

He told Ayguili he had seen her coming and going from my wagon himself. I had to snort since I had all ready been through this with him. Ayguili asked if Sef had seen her go in and out of the flaps .. he said no but it was not about actions it was about appearance.

Appearance be damned .. I spoke up and said Asria had every right to go to and from my wagons. I was her guardian. Where else was she supposed to look for me .. wait for me?

Sef said something about .. not being the first time prospects came up pregnant.. not sure where he was going with that one but Ayguili jumped all over it and asked if he was questioning the parentage of Asria's unborn child. Sef had been .. up until then ... unaware she was pregnant. I wondered briefly if we could clear this up better if we waited until Sef was sober. But having it started .. it seemed like a good idea to finish it. Sef asked how far along she was. I jumped in and told him it was none of his business.

He said it was all part of the accusations. I told him so far there were no accusations. No question at all in fact .. no one had seen anything.

And by the Sky I will be damned if I start discussing Asria's personal business .. Trayu's personal business ... with idiots whose complete and only motivation was to discredit her honor and freedom. With no evidence .. I might add. I told Sef that if he could come up with a real question to her credibility I would discuss her gestation.

Ayguili started asking about names .. this was something I wanted to hear. The names Sef gave were himself .. Yamka .. and Kaeli and one other woman who he could not remember. But he said three was enough and if they were full of boskshit he would deal with it. I asked quietly .. since he himself had been a bad witness ... what would be done about .... him?

He was more concerned with asking Kaeli how old her children were. Ten moons .. do we divide that by three? Anyway for some reason that seemed to mean to Sef that there was indeed some reason to question the parentage of Asria's unborn child. Not sure what Kaeli and her children had to do with when Trayu fucked Asria. Seemed more was being accused here than just that. Perhaps Jai and Asria? Kaeli and Asria? Wait .. that would not result in childbirth. Unless there was something about Kaeli none of us knew. Interesting. At least that provided me with some rather fascinating mental images that relieved some of the annoyance of the entire lengthy and obnoxious event. A guy has to find the little things to cheer him up.

Then Sef went off about Asria's mate having died in an attack before Jai and Kaeli were mated. What the fuck? I was not there when Jai and Kaeli were mated .. I was there when Trayu died ... what in the hell had Sef ingested that was eating his brain from the inside out?

I interrupted all this telling everyone I would give evidence of Asria's unborn child's father as soon as the rest of it was settled and if I saw the need to do so. But at that moment I really would like to hear Kaeli's evidence.

Kaeli did not have any evidence.

Interesting .. either Sef was a complete madman and an idiot or all the people that had sent him off on this little vendetta were bailing on him. I wondered what Yamka would have to say .. or if it would mirror Kaeli's words. I was willing to wager that Yamka was going to make sure her story matched ... and matched well.

Which of course brought it all back to Sef. I was starting to feel sorry for Sef .. someone had fed him a lot of boskshit and he had taken it as sworn truth and been willing to risk his honor and command on the gossiping wagering tongues of some very spiteful women. Women who seemed to have it out for Asria. Either that or had it out for the Ubar and Asria was just a pawn. Not a very convenient pawn though .. she had not done anything wrong. Damn it Asria .. that is not the way to play along in a conspiracy. Hopefully they would pick a better playmate next time.

Then Sef threw Yamka under the moving wagon and said it had all started with her. All of it .. that Sef was just doing his duty. Except for the part where he acted rashly and without any thought or information ... that is. Not that any of that was important at all. Sef.. so he said ... had based his entire case on Yamka's word against Asria. Yamka .. who had just recently got her ears trimmed for being a liar.

huh .. figures

Ayguili stripped Sef of his command and all the stuff about Sorrel started to come out and by this time I was losing interest in the entire proceeding. Well except for one thing .. that Sef stated he could kill a prospect any time he felt like it.

I had to do a quick check with Ayguili .. it had been a law that no Tuchuk could kill or harm a prospect or another Tuchuk without the word of the Ubar. I was just wondering if that had changed since I returned ... rather pertinent information I thought. There were some Tuchuks and prospects I was thinking about taking care of myself. But no ... damn it ... the law had not changed ... I lost interest again.

There was a lot more blah blah blah and yadda yaddas ... a lot more weirdness and a lot more insanity. A lot more patience on Ayguili's part and a lot more irritation on mine. It all ended up hinging on Yamka's statement .. which would be heard .... Sky knew when.

I was very tired. At this point it was time for me to speak to Asria herself .. I took her off in the direction of ....

my wagon.

The Power of Accusations

I made my way to the First Fires .. looking for Sef. In fact that is an understatement .. I was hunting him. He was there all right .. sitting on his wagon and flipping a silver coin and talking to a warrior. I offered to help clear up some confusion for him ... he invited me to a cup of blackwine and to join in the fun.

huh

I told him I wanted to clear some things up first. Mostly at this point I was relieved to find that Lei was no where around. The walk from the kaiila pens had done a lot to get me back into "commander mode" and not "pissed off guardian" .. this all punctuated nicely by finding that I did not immediately need to kill anyone for harm to that little girl.

He said "If you insist. Im sure it can be cleared up easy enough. I need tospeak with this prospect. seems she is spending a lot of time in your wagons."

"Impossible."

"It was brought to me by no less than 4 tribe members brother"

"Are we speaking of Asria .. just so there is no misunderstandings? Which ones?"

"Yes that would be her. Yamka would be one. Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters. She is a Tuchuk free woman who stands accused of slave like behavior. As her guardian I have a right to know who stands in accusation of such."

"It would matter if their where accusations against you."

"It matters because I am her guardian Sef. And I have a right to know or I will not take it seriously."

"But as her guardian then yes it matters she is accused."

Fucking A right.

I demanded to know the other names. Sef avoided my direct questions and tried to dance around them ... finally he said .. "I accuse her".

Ah .. now we were getting somewhere. Someone who could answer my questions. So I asked him if he saw Asria in my wagons. Once again he danced around the words .. but could not tell me anyone had actually seen Asria going inside or coming from the inside of my wagons. No one. He said he was not finished with his investigation. I said .. you stand in accusation without even knowing what it is you are accusing her of? He seemed confused by the word accusation .. when he had just told me he himself stood in "accusation". But with further very simple speaking ... I got from Sef ... finally .... that not he or anyone else had seen Asria going inside my wagon or coming from inside my wagon. That all anyone could say of her was that she came from that direction and went to ... that direction.

He has to be drunk .. or strung out on kanda. There is no way a rational Commander could be acting like this. Was he mad? Driven insane by a large fall resulting in serious head injury? Dehydration? Had he pissed Tarra or Silken off resulting in some mind altering herbs added to his paga? There had to be more of an explanation for this than was presented on the surface.

At this point I was disgusted with him and the entire series of unfortunate events that he had set into motion .. some all ready having occurred and several more I could see looming in the near future. I told him .. chain Asria to the Ubar's wagon. This was all assumptions and should be cleared up soon enough. I told Sef he had no proof. No one could even tell me they "saw" anything at all. It was all based on someone seeing Asria walking in the direction of my wagon. Good Sky .. seriously? It was ludicrous.

Sef said he would question Yamka and the others to find out exactly what they saw. About fucking time. That information was rather vital here .. should have been known before anyone started this little adventure. I told him I would take no one's word that was not willing to be known and step forward. At this point the only people I would take into evidence in this was Sef .. or Yamka. He tried to assure me this was not about me.

I pointed out to Sef this was indeed about me .. my name was mentioned ... my wagons ... and Asria was in my responsibility. How was this not about me? He said it might be she was meeting some other man there. I told him that unless someone killed my sleen it never happened ... but I was more than willing to hear the evidence .... if anyone actually had any.

Sef asked me if I would take the word of those of the First Fires over a prospect. That pissed me off. Of course I would .. but someone better have some fucking evidence or this was all boskshit. If it turned out to be boskshit there would be no punishment of Asria.

Sef said .. "Of course not, if they tell me they have not seen her enter thewagon i myself will punish them for false accusations."

Excellent. I was going to remember Sef giving me his word on that. And I meant to see it done or I would make my recommendation for Sef to lose his command for lying to an Oralu. Someone .. was going to answer for this.

The rest of the conversation involved Kaeli and Sef and was about Sorrel and Sef and Kaeli were upset that some prospects .. I gathered Mezoo and Asria had spoken some word of Sorrel being a dweller. And Ayguili had used their words against Sorrel. I did my best to clear that up.

Ayguili was the one that called her a dweller and chained her up for his own reasons. Mostly about how she answered his questions. Ayguili is not led around by the nose .. certainly not by a woman. Ayguili had no doubts in his own mind about what he thought of the situation and if anyone had a problem with it ... the only way they were going to fix it was either to die .. or leave. Sef reminded me there was another way ... go challenge the grays. I told him it was certainly a choice he could make. He responded he would not do so over a prospect. Best thing I had heard out of Sef's mouth yet.

I told them both .. I saw no reason to worry about a prospect's words of another prospect because .. by their own words prospects did not matter .. at all. The only thing they might have to complain about is someone taking their words seriously and using it against someone .. which had not happened whether Kaeli thought it had or not. I was there .. Ayguili had a mind of his own and what he did he did out of wanting to do it himself and anyone who was there ... should have understood no one ... was going to change his mind.

Bottom line .. even if Ayguili sucked kaiila ass and had a nose ring that every prospect with a pretty set of lips could lead him around with ... what really are you going to do about it?

Be careful .. answering that. You never know who it is that is listening and just what kind of skills they wield for said Ubar.

Kaeli said that she did not mind being chained but that chaining Sorrel was an "insult". How was chaining a prospect an insult? Ah .. was I supposed to be insulted Sef intended to chain Asria? Interesting.

I told Kaeli I saw no insult to Sorrel ... Sorrel was actually handling it well. Much better than those who were standing around trying to defend her. They were starting to make her look worse and worse. At this point .. if I were Sorrel ... I would have disavowed any connection to them at all and asked the Ubar to adopt me as a prospect to the First Fires. Neither one of them were making a salt lick's bit of sense.

Soon enough they were bantering back and forth and I left. Irritated by the entire thing .. so many words and so much accusation with no evidence presented. Where was the maturity of a Commander? Where was the care taken to know what you were speaking of before you spoke it? What had crawled up Yamka's ass so far as to get all this started? Why would she do such a thing? So much damage all ready done .. for what? Some personal vendetta against the Ubar? Why involve Asria .. and me.

I could do without it ... thank you.

Prologue .. Intro to Anger

That night I set the dream catcher with Orahjinn's help. I would not leave the thing behind .. if something happened to me ... someone needed to retrieve it. Bad things happen on the plains all the time .. men are killed doing the most simple of tasks as riders .. herdsmen. It would be irresponsible of me to leave the thing without someone understanding what I had done.

The next morning it was early .. when I received a message ... a message sent over drums. It infuriated me and confused me all at the same time. Which is not an easy thing to do. Usually .. if I am confused I can hold off my irritation. In this case however .. they came together ... and in colossal proportions. Which unfortunately set my mood rather solidly steeped in both for my meeting with the Commander of Or .. Sef. I can only wish .. in retrospect ... that the meeting had helped clear up this confusion and irritation ... however I was reminded that I rarely get my wishes.

I have never .. heard ... that many words sent over drums before. Everyone stopped and listened .. for a long time. Drums are an important part of our society and no one ignores drums or horns. Drums going on for that long .. got some notice.

Got my notice.

Sef spoke of reports .. that he felt he needed to follow up on as a Commander...

"Report one comes from several at the fires last eve. That of a prospect spending most of her time in a warriors wagons. This woman is un mated and a prospect. Once mated she is now not mated. This would make her the responsibility of the Ubar."

huh

"I understand lei, has been spending most of her time in Fonces wagons. This is causeing many to question weather she is a free woman looking to prospect and be part of the first fires. Or simply a slave."

Was the man serious? Surely this was not about Lei .. had to be about Asria ... right? Someone tell me this was not about Lei ...

"Some one stated she is a ward of fonce. I Am only stating that several have questioned me on the appearance of such actions. And about the law of no woman who is unclaimed spending time in a warriors wagon, Unless she is collared.

My recommendation is that the woman be chained until the Ubar can deal with this matter."

This better be about Asria .. by this time I was getting very angry. If I returned to the First Fires to find the child Lei chained to anyone's wagon I was going to kill someone .. slowly. If .. anyone was accusing me of using the child like a slave ... a lot of people were going to die .... slowly. My name was mentioned .. someone was going to answer some questions.

Most of the rest was diatribe was about what I assumed to be Sorrel .. and Sef's demands for equal treatment of her as apposed to some prospect's words of her and the fact she was chained. It was all very confusing .. since Ayguili himself was the one that called her a dweller and chained her. So that was all between the Ubar and Sef .. my concern as I headed towards the First Fires was that .. if I got there and found Lei chained or even detained in any way that offended my protective streak I was going to hurt someone ..

a lot.

An Omen..I Can Read

Mezoo spoke about wanting to talk to me .. and when Seveya left us I asked Mezoo what it was she wished to speak to me about. she said we had been speaking previously about several topics. I told her yes .. I realized we had spoken of many subjects but I was wondering which one specifically she wished to speak of .. right now.

she said specifically she wanted to talk about the elements and their relationships to people. That the rest would be things she simply wished to speak to a friend about.

I asked her what about the elements she wished to specifically talk about .. she wanted to know more about the spirit .. or heart that Tarra had mentioned to her. I told her I could not tell her of the heart that Tarra mentioned .. that only Tarra could answer that. It was so specific to every Spex I did not feel comfortable assuming for Tarra. Tarra and I do not communicate that well anyway .. it would just be safer to direct Mezoo back to the source and I had enough respect for Tarra to do so.

She said she wanted to know about all of them .. of the fire .. water .. air and soil. Well this I could talk about .. I could tell her of what they meant to me personally. But before I did .. I wanted to know what she understood. How she saw these things. I wanted to get an idea of the canvas that was set before me before I started painting on it. I wanted to learn the tools I was about to work with. It is my way. But Mezoo .. obviously was not on the same path I was.

She asked me .. "Is it the way of everyone to ask question as answer toquestion?"

This is where I started to get irritated. Not bad yet .. just a hint. Who was I? I was not Mezoo's best friend. I was Mezoo's teacher in the Clan. Were we not speaking of Clan practices? Clan beliefs? Why would she speak this way to her mentor? Did she speak with this kind of disrespect to other Elders? Or was it just .. me. Because I was more than a mentor I was almost family. There must have been some hint of all this in my expression because she suddenly smiled lightly and said .. "Has it always been so difficult to just talk to you or is it only now .. in the past hands that we can find no meeting ground?"

If she was trying to make it better .. she was failing miserably. If she was trying to really upset me .. she was on the fast track. As her mentor however .. it was for me to attempt to contain my temper no matter what I felt.. so I tried to back up and retry .. to find the place where the path got started in the wrong direction and bring it back. "You say you have something you wish to speak on .. I want to speak of this thing .. but you can not tell me what it is. You did not start a conversation with me .. you said youwished to speak of a subject."

"I asked of one particular and you have suggested I speak with Tarra ..."

"But you asked me about Tarra's beliefs .. I can not answer that ... you must ask me about my own."

"I was trying to. It is fine Fonce. I am realizing it would be better towait for what lessons you have to offer."

Once again I was starting to get irritated. "I am attempting to understand Mezoo .. but if you wish to give up I will respect that."

"I am not a person to give up and you know that. Perhaps it is that what we were speaking of before is not yet time ..."

"This is going no where good .. and I am sure it is my fault and I will attempt to fix it ... if I can. Be Well Mezoo."

I strode away .. intent on finding the answers. Intent on not allowing my temper and my feelings of being disrespected to flame to the surface and become out of control before I could even understand what was going on.

I went strait to Orahjinn .. an Elder Spex who I respected more than most. He was trained in many things the same as I .. save the dreams as I was the last of my blood line. I asked him respectively if he would help me with Mezoo. Perhaps I had been too busy with everything and I had missed something vital. Before I reacted I wanted to understand. I did not need to be a Spex to see this was about to go all bad. He agreed to be there .. to be a mediator .. even ... if it was necessary. I really appreciated it .. Orahjinn had given me much of my own training many years ago. He had been the male counterpart to Dubois .. and had been there for me when she died ... in his way.

I hope this is enough to bridge the impasse Mezoo and I have come to.

An Omen..I Can Not Read

The night's adventure after I left the girls at the stream had left me with a clearer idea of what I wanted and I dare say .. needed ... for the catcher. This was different from what I had so recently toyed with in my own dreams.

Much different.

It is perhaps easily missed .. the import of dreams. Even on a basic level we are constantly given messages .. shown the path to solving problems ... given creative outlets that the busy give-and-take of survival tends to bury beneath routine and mind numbing repetition. Sometimes it is merely the brain's Year Keeper shuffling through memories and tagging a few here and there with colored pegs for later access. Sometimes what gets cut out lays around on the floor like scraps in a Leather worker's wagon. It can look .. from the outside ... like confusing and unreal visions as each piece of memory is scrambled with others. The mind .. while shedding and cleaning up those scraps ... can sometimes disturb the conscious if we just happen to witness the sweeping up of all those bits.

So finding the messages within the scraps and bits is sometimes not an easy thing to do. Finding the difference between the mind's Year Keeper cleaning and tagging .. and the mind trying to communicate with the conscious. Subtle messages that reach us that we have never learned .. or forgotten how to interpret. So like an Artisan .. the mind will attempt to paint great visions using the pictures and sensations it has to work with .. usually built from scraps. In these visions are messages. Something the mind wishes the conscious to know and understand. It could be something about the person themselves. Some hurt or pain that needs to be healed. Sometimes physical and sometimes mental. It could be a message brought to the person on the energies that surround us .. a message about someone else. Sometimes it is about things that have happened .. sometimes it is a portent of things to come. We as Haruspex do not always get these messages strait from the energies itself ... sometimes we interpret those messages given to others. We read how the energies impact the things around us .. the messages left written on the world. And sometimes those messages are written in the dreams of others.

It was all these things and more I was contemplating as I strode along the edge of the stream .. finally realizing that I was not alone. Seveya sat on a colored blanket painting small stones. She asked me how I was and I admitted I was a little distracted. I asked her about the stones ... she asked me what had me distracted. She told me they were stones for Tarra ... I told her I was making a dream catcher. She asked me if it was dangerous .. and I told her it was no different than making any other tool of trade. Like making a paintbrush. The dangerous part is not always making the tool .. it is sometimes all tangled up in the application.

It was then I remembered the paintbrush in my vest pocket and I took it out to hand to her as I continued to talk about the making of tools. I told her just as an Artisan would make a paintbrush to fit his needs and talents ... so I would make the catcher to strengthen my own weaknesses and expound on my natural and learned abilities ... unique to me and to my project.

Seveya told me instantly that the brush was not hers .. her father's brush had black bristles. I was about to suggest she take a closer look .. when she asked to do so. Perhaps .. I thought ... something had happened to the brush between the time she lost it and the point I found it? A closer look should reveal if it was recognizable by any other means than the first glance.

She mused that perhaps the brush was faded .. stating she had seen the power of the Central Fire to dim colors. But I told her .. by the look of the wood .. it had not suffered the elements for long. The condition of it was too good to have been outside under the Central Fire or beneath the water for very long at all.

After inspecting it further she answered my questions by telling me this brush was something new to her .. something she had not seen before. I told her I was sorry for that .. that I had not been able to find her father's brush. I knew it was important to her.

I asked her if she wanted it .. the brush. She said she did. I told her I was curious of it .. and I asked her to tell me how it performed for her. We spoke briefly of tools and how each one was different before I saw the edge of thoughts held back in her features. I asked her of them .. her thoughts ... and she asked me if it could be perhaps an omen? Perhaps she was meant to lose her brush so that this one would find its way to her? I told Seveya that it was a part of my Clan .. as Haruspex ... to find importance in events. So of course it was not out of rational thought to believe this was meant to happen .. perhaps meant to happen to her specifically for a reason. I told her it was why I wished to know how it worked .. how it painted ... I wanted to know the story of the brush after it left my hands because I saw portent in the way it had come to light.

She studied the brush further and told me she might have an idea what the brush was meant for and she wanted me to be there when she used it for the first time. Well .. the idea fascinated me and I asked her what for .. she misunderstood me and answered why she wanted me there. I told her what I actually wanted to know was .. what she thought the brush was meant for. She replied a new vision .. a new path ... a new direction.

At this point Mezoo joined us and asked her own questions of the Artisan catching up on what we were talking about. Seveya asked me if I would come watch the brush's debut performance and I told her of course I would .. I was very curious myself. I felt more the messenger here than the omen reader. I was here to deliver .. not so much to interpret. I was as much in the dark as to what it meant than anyone else. I think Seveya knows more .. knows the tool for what it is even if she is not sure yet what will happen when she uses it.

This omen is for Seveya to read and interpret.

Tuchuk Treasure

Trouble .. I could feel it hounding my step .. the searing acidic drool right on my heels. That turpitude shroud beginning to flicker and take on a life of its own. My temper rising in me .. protective righteousness ... an all-powerful weapon to clasp.

I was just getting my fist wrapped around it .. when I heard voices at the stream. Figures .. dark muted ... I tried to suppress the very things I had been stirring up. It took a moment before I pulled reality from the shadows .. it was Yamka and Seveya covered in mud and sitting on the stream bank fascinated by something I could not make out yet.

It seemed they had dug up some stash of coins and gems. They guessed perhaps it was a dweller's buried treasure .. I offered it could even be Paravaci .. the Vaci loved that shit. Obviously .. whomever had buried it there expected to return quickly to retrieve it ... but the plains are a demanding mistress and many things can happen to a man that he can not foresee. Something had delayed his return .. or prevented it all together. Perhaps the knowledge of it had died .. waiting for erosion and time to reveal the contents of the bag to unsuspecting innocents.

I crouched near them .. holding the freak on a tight leash ... as I spoke to them about their find. They showed me a particular yellow jewel with markings etched upon it. In the minimal light afforded I could not tell what they were or what they might be for .. but my curiosity was wetted. They gave me the bag of coins and gems and asked me to do with it as I would. I am not sure why they did not want to keep them. We do not treasure such things but there are many merchant caravans passing through the Tuchuk .. merchants that do value those things. Perhaps they could trade for some nice pots .. colored fabrics ... wood .. paper ... metals ... all those things we do not produce on our own. But for whatever reason they wished me to dispose of them .. giving them to the Ubar. Allowing him to do as he would with them.

I told them I would do this for them wrapping the top of the bag into my fist. Seveya wished me well ... with the offer to listen if I needed to talk .. and Yamka wished me a ... peaceful .... evening.

Peaceful .. was just not anywhere near where I was at.

Turpitude Intent

CANA!

It was how the evening at the Fires started for me. For some reason I found great pleasure in bellowing her name across the Harigga. I did so every chance I got .. especially when I had something I wanted to talk to her about.

Today it was something I wanted her .. to talk to me ... about. After using her as a human shield against the dweller .. who Ayguili told me had come clear across the plains to find me ... who did not turn out to be a dweller as much as ... Kaeli's daughter who had come from the city... which is sort of the same thing only with .. potential.

There was some arguing going on as to whether that made her a dweller or not. My opinion is .. it does. Even if her blood is the highest quality of Tuchuk .. which it is not ... but even if it was? She would still need to prove herself to me as a Tribe member. What makes her special? Even all of us .. who had never seen the cities... had to prove ourselves to sit at these Fires. For the last eight years or so she has not been here .. giving to the Tribe ... learning from the Tribe.... being a part of the Tribe. Why should she be granted Tribe status so easily? It did not seem such a hard thing to do .. to prove you were here to contribute. Here to be serious about learning the ways of the Tuchuk as apposed to the ways of the city. To lift high on your hands our traditions and ways and offer them to the Sky. To reach your hand to those around you and validate who they are .. by whom you wish to become. No it did not seem so hard to me .. to put up with the teasing and the ribbing. To show strength and a drive to survive against all odds.

Those that wanted things to be easier for her .. were making her look bad. Give her a chance to stand on her own two feet and answer for her own heart and show what kind of spirit she had within her. If she could not do that .. she should not be here. But from what I could see .. she was handling all the teasing rather well. She would be one to watch. Perhaps there was some Tuchuk in her spirit after all. If so .. I would be one of the first to stand and welcome her as Tribe.

But I digress .. after I used Cana as that human shield I backed away from the First Fires amused as I took a lean against a wagon wheel .. though my gaze grew serious as I asked her ... how she was.

Now there were several reasons I asked this .. not the least of which was that Ayguili asked me to check on her because he was not so good with talking to women.

huh

And I was?

Ayguili and I were going to have to go a few rounds about that one .. but I actually needed very little push to talk to my friend. The other reasons I could not wrap up in mere words .. they just ... were.

She told me she was a little scared a little concerned .. but she was doing as well as could be expected.

I asked her what she was scared of ..?

She said .. the unknown. Then she said she was worried about him .. she missed him and asked me if that was so wrong?

I told her .. of course not. If it were me I would be out of my mind .. ranting .. raving ... pacing and breaking things. She told me she did those things at night sometimes .. when she was alone.

I asked her what I could do .. to ease things even a little for her. She said being there was a big help .. that she was trying hard to keep her head up and be strong .. to not show her feelings around the others but it had kept her from the fires more than she liked.

I told her .. she had shown no weakness. In fact that was one of those reasons I had not been able to put into words .. and I told her so. I told her also that Ayguili had been concerned. She seemed surprised he had spoken of having thoughts for her well being.

She spoke of some of her worries involving Tug who was barely eight years old. She said turnings ... I said years. We have Year Keepers for a reason .. I give them respect by using the term. Except when talking about myself .. because I did not know the exact time I was born. I only knew approximately how many times my eyes had seen Turia's walls in the distance.

We spoke of the boys. I told Cana that I would help her with Tug and with Also .. the only two she felt there was something missing with. Felt a need for something to be done .. that she could not do. I myself .. felt the closest to Tug and Also anyway ... so it was an easy thing for me to do for her.

We spoke of the raiders .. I told her what I had learned and what I had reported to Ay. I tried to still her fears about them returning and taking one of the children. There were enough dangers around that she did not need to be wondering about spirit like raiders that could take one of ours so easily. But I told her they were gone .. moving fast and swift away from the camp with no sign of wanting to return .. or hang around. It had been my recommendation to Ayguili to lift the restricted movements and I told her so.

And then things got interesting and I began to understand why I was there. She said she could not sleep. That got my attention and I asked her what was keeping her awake .. worry?

.. or what happened when she slept.

She started chewing her lip and told me she dreamt. She told me some of what she was dreaming and I told her I could help with that. I could not help her sleep .. that was for a different Haruspex or a Healer ... but after she got there? That was my .. specialty. She asked me if I could help her fight .. what was there. I told her .. I could. I told her whatever it was did not belong there and it was either there to torment her .. or to warn her. And I would find out which one it was.

She told me she would be grateful .. if she did not get any sleep soon she would not be able to continue to do all the things that she needed to do. That people counted on her to do. I told her it was important .. if this was a warning it was given to her for a reason. There was something that should be done and .. we needed to find out what that was.

She asked me if it was about Ba'atar or the children if I would let her know. I told her of course I would .. I told her I would make a dream catcher for her. I hoped it would be that simple .. if not I might have to go in.

That seemed to unnerve her a little .. I am not surprised. The idea unnerves most people. It should .. dreams are not places for the untrained to go wandering around in.

I told her if it was a message .. it would not be that hard to figure out. A message would not be trying to hide. A warning would be attempting to be heard.

We spoke briefly .. before I left her there at the wagon wheel to head to the stream for some things I would need. I could feel it .. see it all ready. The catcher I would make for her. Only I would not deliver it as I said I would .. I would hide it near .. she could not consciously be aware of where it was. I wanted to trap as much as I could without her even knowing it. Only then .. if I could not work with what I had .... would I try something a little more direct.

Yes .. I knew exactly what I needed and slipped into that turpitude air like a warmed leather glove and it fit perfectly as I strolled towards the stream. This is what I do .. who I am ... what I am good at.

When you need a daemon exterminated? Who better to call on

.. than one of them?

Missing Brush

That afternoon I saddled Kel .. the colt out of Kai and Ula ... so many memories. He was no longer a colt though .. given to a warrior .. after the warrior left I took the kaiila back. He was too special to me. For many reasons ... to allow him to just be another kaiila among the pens.

Kel has developed a nasty habit of sneezing on people. It is for more reason than the cruel fangs .. that I am wary of the front end of Kel.

The afternoon was partly overcast .. clouds banked themselves up along the horizon. Piled up on some wall of energy that kept them climbing higher instead of spreading out over the entire Sky. The air was a mix of sudden warm breeze and then instant complete stillness. The kind of stillness like freshly fallen snow .. or the pause .. the cosmic inhale before a universal kind of sneeze.

For some reason today seemed to be about sneezing. As a Haruspex I should probably find some portent to read in that.

Accompanied by the snorting of Kel .. the creak of leather and the jingle of gear ... the breath of the air that touched my cheek occasionally with the scent of far off rich soil ... and the whispering of my own thoughts .. I directed Kel along the edge of the stream heading down towards the watering hole I had mentioned to Seveya. The one where the large tree had made a natural damn of sorts that spread water out for the bosk to find not only a quench to their thirst but mud.. mud which was vital to their own protection from the gnats and flies and other parasites.

When the weather got too warm for the mud to be of any real use .. they would use the many small shallow dust bowls .. found dotted across the plains ... rolling in the dust to gain much the same end.

Today however I expected to find plenty of mud still .. making my own attempts to search the water side of that log ... one of expected hardship. But I had given my word and I would try to retrieve the missing brush for the Artisan.

Kel's stride was solid and strong beneath me. It was good to feel his youth and stamina .. something I felt waning in Kai and Rocca. Not enough that I had retired them yet ... but a hint of things to come. It tore my heart up to even think about it .. Kai my very first kaiila ... but today I would not dwell ... I would simply allow the pure enjoyment of the day to reach me.

As I neared the area I was looking for .. I saw that the old log was still in place .. preserved well beneath the water ... catching plenty of things within the grasp of broken branches that still jutted out from the length. I rode Kel as close as I could get .. throwing a leg over to drop to the grass .. ground hitching the beast.

As I strode near .. a silver kind of glint flashed at me from the depths of the water .. bubbling and frothing against the side of the tree. One end of the log was stuck solid into the bank of the stream .. the other had water flowing around the end. Upstream side of the log had a large pool .. shallow and spread out .. downstream side narrowed and flowed on as usual. I went to the end that was near the bank .. the mud was soft and tried to suck my boots in as I climbed up on the log .. the water vibrated the length of it and it too me a moment to get my balance ... water moving over the tops of my boots as I moved carefully along the length. The sparkle in the water .. my sudden goal. My curiosity needing to be sated.

I slowly got down on one knee .. as I reached about a third of the way out on the log .. leaning carefully to reach into the water .. grasping the object that still glittered and winked at me .. reflecting the light that refracted through the stream. My fingers closed around it and brought it to the surface and I stared at it for some time.

It was a paintbrush .. yes ... it was .... but it was a paintbrush that had been bled of any color at all. It was not "painted" white.. it simply lacked the color that the elements used to make the brush usually had. Wood .. metal ... the hair of the brush. All white. As if perhaps it was waiting for color.

I could not imagine Seveya not telling me .. this particular unique quality of her brush. So was this brush hers? Was it something else? Had something happened to it while traveling on the current of the stream? There were many questions but .. I had no way of figuring out the answers. I would have to take her the brush and let her answer as many of them as she could.

I was very curious.

Syllabic Imagery

Caliginous night ebbs and flows around me like a mother's heartbeat pulsing through amniotic fluid. Waking .. lulling ... soothing. Poppy's drowsy breath like summer's lazy mid-day upon my cheek and I feel as if I have drunk from some ancient wine that weights the aegis of my lids making them nearly impotent.

As sleep embalms your weary form and transcends you to Morpheus' arms .. the ancient melancholy melody reminds me of my own fragile mortality. Beautiful in its brief existence .. but gone too soon to make much of a difference in the great .. grand ... scheme of it all. Unique .. a vision ... I can not be the only one to savor such sweet sorrow on my tongue. If so .. I weep for their complacency.

This melody.. played here .. before me ... this song of unraped innocence shrouded in flesh. Of unspoiled beauty within tenebrous mists. The depth of your white pages still unknown even to yourself. So much yet to write. How easily you believe your book is filled. How quickly you assume that these amateurish attempts at verbal ownership have succeeded. And yet only the very first pages have been touched and traced with the imprint of my intent.

There is so much more. So much I need to hold within my hands and understand. To translate from your world to mine. To build and create .. lift high by muscle and sweat ... that someone might know what I know. That someone might understand this perfection I understand ... see this clarity I see. Feel .. even a fraction of what I feel ... right now.

I fight so hard to tell you. To form in verbose imagery the visions all worked around you. The spells and incantations .. the prayers and incense. The alters of slaughtered innocents I have littered across this moment unspoiled by time .. ageless by perception. That pedestal I place you on .. time and time again as you succumb to your own fears of inadequacy. But if you knew .. if you understood who you are to me you would not falter. You could not .. all that you are to me is strong enough to withstand anything. Unconditional in core value .. incapable of weakness against anything beneath these heavens .. mortal or immortal.

But my tongue fails me. Trapped inside myself my words grate and fall against each other like colossal granite stones. A pile of rubble that resembles no artist's creation. A wasteland of attempts. Monoliths raised across a desert floor of shifting sand. Each one a testament to my soul .. my coal sealed lips ... the unforgiven one.

Born on this futility .. left only with my pen ... I am infused with a horrific fear that I may cease to exist before I set the outline of your spirit into verbal pixels. Before I paint the contour of your features with syllabic imagery ... set these sensory pictures to stone that long after I have left this wretched coil of existence some far hence eye might experience the freedom of thought you begin to inspire within me. Grant someone a new horizon born on the very essence of who you are .. to me.

If I could only complete this .. perhaps then I might face the resolve of my existence with no second thought. Cease upon the Midnight's breath with ease of mind and heart. Embrace the final moment .. take that final step ... find your cool pillowed breast and

.. finally sleep.

©2009 Written during and dedicated to a .. Night with ... Beauty

Those Words That Bind

I was strolling along the stream .. thoughts from the night before and others all jostling around inside my skull ... leaving great bloody fingernail scrapes along the sides.

Tarra had been wading and Yamka was just arriving. I paused to talk to them and Tarra and I shared some ideas about deep thoughts and abysses. Somewhere in there I noticed the bruise on Yamka's face and I asked her about it. She said she had a run in with a large hand.

huh

Tarra asked .. "Someone hit you?" While I asked .. "Who hit you?" right about the same time.

I put it all together .. "So .. someone hit you ... who?" She said it was her father .. and that he regretted it as soon as he did it.

I asked her .. if he did not realize that she was under the protection of the Ubar now .. as one of the First Fires? She said she figured her father lost himself for a moment .. that he was not angry with her ... but at something they were talking about ... and yes he knew. I assumed she meant ... yes he knew about the Ubar's protection.

If he did .. he was a dangerously foolish man. I asked if Ayguili knew.

She said .. "No and I would rather no one told him... please... its so very complicated.. its over with.. and my father said he was sorry..".

I leaned back where I was sitting on the grass .. resting on my elbows before I spoke again. "Are you not .. basically ... the responsibility of the Ubar? "Does he not set your bride price and direct your mating? Protect you as one of his family? You are wearing .. the testament of someone's displeasure for all to see .. why would you keep that from him?"

I said this quite calmly .. understanding that Yamka was upset ... but there was no way I was going to lie to the Ubar. And if there ever was some maggot in my brain that dictated to me that I should do so? I certainly would never talk about it out loud at the stream. I had visited enough people from behind the mask .. I knew better. Not to mention .. who would trust my word again?

Yamka said that .. the reason she did not want the Ubar to know was .. that the entire thing happened because her father was mad at Ayguili .. indirection as he did not know .. that is who he was mad at. My jaw muscle started to tick here .. but all I allowed myself to say was .. "All the more reason for him and Ay to go at it and get it straitened out so that you are not the outlet for your father's anger."

She told her father that it was just an outrider .. no one important. As if any warrior is not important in this Tribe... but I let that one go and narrowed in on the fact she lied to her father and mother. I asked her directly .. "So you lied to your father and mother? Just as you are planning on keeping this violence done to your face and the truth of it from the Ubar himself? And .. you expect me ... to agree to be part of this lie... by not telling Ayguili the truth?"

"I don't see a choice.. How do you tell your father that the Ubar did not think you worthy enough to get to know.. and then how do you tell the Ubar your father hit you cause he did not think you worthy enough.. I don't expect you to agree.. its wrong in all aspects.. but I honestly do not know which way to move.."

huh

"You tell your mother and father that Ayguili wanted to be your friend .. there is no dishonor in that. And you tell Ayguili that your father hit you .. because he did. And you let Ayguili and your father talk as men because obviously there is a problem there and it is showing up in the damage to your face."

"So you want me to tell my father it was the ubar that made my heart sing.. and then tell the Ubar because he made my heart sing but I did not make his.. I got hit?"

Was she serious?

I gave her a bemused glance. "I want you to be honest with your father and your mother because they deserve that respect from their daughter. And I want you to be honest with the Ubar because .. he deserves your respect also. You can not go around with these lies and retain your own honor. You are sitting here telling me you are involved in lies to the most important authority figures in your life. There is no good way for that to end Yamka .. you can not carry these burdens ... they are not yours to try to shoulder."

"You are right... regardless of the outcome I will tell them all the truth of the matter.."

I was more relieved by that last statement than I could express properly. But I did try to tell her how much I was. She was a Tuchuk free woman .. surely she understood the importance of her word. Surely she understood the weight of these matters we were throwing around at the stream in front of everyone. To be trustworthy was one of those important facets of being a free woman. At least in my book and any man's book I know of.

I told her that she was not a bad person .. but I was trying to catch her before this went really wrong. I told her she did owe her parents an apology. I hope this is the last time Yamka thinks lying is a viable solution to her problems. I hope she listened .. and never ties herself up with her own false words again.

Explain the Difference

When I returned to the Main Fires I overheard Ayguili questioning Kaeli .. she had different answers for him than she did for me .. but I do understand that. I am not the Ubar.

Asria told me she had not washed anything of mine nor cleaned any of my dishes. I told her she was the perfect ward.

smirk

She told me I was funny .. so funny they were thinking of naming a year for how funny I was. I scratched my jaw and offered "Year of the Amazingly Humorous Fonce?". She did not seem to be as impressed as she said she was.

huh

Ayguili chained Kaeli to the other wagon wheel that was empty of dweller. I was a little surprised but .. supported his decision. I was not sure how serious Ayguili would be .. seems he is very serious about his word. Means I will take it seriously. A man teaches other men how serious to take his words by how he takes his own. How well he stands by them.

Ayguili questioned the dweller .. found out she was indeed from Port Kar and she wished him to return her to her father.

huh

Ayguili asked her why he would do such a thing. Her reason? She was young.

huh

Kaeli reminded the dweller to tell us what her father did .. in Port Kar. The dweller said her father was a Captain. Well .. a Port Kar Captain's fresh daughter kneeling at the feet of the Tuchuk Ubar? What could be more perfect?

But it was not to be .. even my words could not get through her thick dweller skull. It was a complete waste of my time and only solidified all my recent thoughts on dwellers. If this Tribe needed a colossal presentation on the weak minded stupidity .. the soft whining lack of survival instinct ... the entirety of why we do not like dwellers .... this was it. Pity the next person who comes here from the cities. It will be hard to follow that act .. for all the wrong reasons.

I returned to the fire .. Asria had told me she did not wish to be mated to Serge .. news to me ... so now I asked her what changed her mind. She said she had not changed her mind .. that is the way she thought the entire time. But knowing that it was something I wanted she did not wish to be a burden.

huh

I reminded Asria I never said anything about what I wanted .. in fact I had assured her there were better men than Serge when she went out of her way to tell me there were worse. She replied to me that she was not listening properly at the time.

huh

I told Asria it would go much easier if she would just be honest with me about what she wanted and needed. That it would go better than trying to think ahead for me .. as she would most likely get it wrong.

She told me she was sorry .. and asked me if I would still ask her what she wanted knowing that she would be honest about it.

I told her I would ask her what she wanted even if I knew she would lie about it. It was just my way .. but she would be much more comfortable if she allowed me to actually provide the things she needed and/or wanted.

She told me she had almost finished the Memory of Tug .. and asked if she had told me about it. I told her that no .. I had not heard about it. She said she was painting him a memory of his father.

Painting? Well .. this was interesting.. I automatically thought of the Artist and of the project. I had no idea that Asria had any talent in the area and I wished to understand it. Perhaps Asria could do the project better? It would be good to understand this completely before I went any further. I told her I had no idea she was an artist. She said it was because she had not painted her wagons this year. She said that she would be painting the memory of Tug's father for him .. a calendar of sorts just not done in the traditional way of beads or pegs.

I told her that was interesting. She wanted to know if it was a good interesting or a bad interesting. I told her it was the kind of interesting that was not normal .. for a Year Keeper .. seemed to edge into the world I understood as Artisan.

She said .. she was not an Artisan ... but in fact that all Tuchuk were artisans ... that art was not about talent it was about content.

huh

I was getting a little confused at this point. But this was something I genuinely wished to understand. I asked her to explain the difference for her. She asked me if I meant between talent and content.

Danger .. as if I was going to step in that one. I may be clueless sometimes but I like to think I am not quite that .. stupid.

I told her .. no ... that was too confusing. That I simply wished to know what the difference was between what she was doing and what Seveya was doing. Because I thought Seveya had said something to the fact that .. that was what she did ... and offered to others. Granted I could be wrong .. I was merely trying to understand something that ... is not easy for me to grasp.

She told me her view .. of what she painted compared to what Seveya painted ... and I was still confused so I asked her a more direct question ... if she wanted to paint .. why not be an Artisan? Was this all about Asria wishing to switch Clans? Was I missing one of those "Serge" moments again? Where she said all the things she "did not" mean?

She got snippy and defensive with me and told me there was a difference .. a big difference.

Well .. I hoped so .. was that not why I was asking in the first place?

She said all her family were Year Keepers and she was learning to understand the wheel calendars better .. and could she not be a Year Keeper who painted? If Seveya was painting memories .. why could she not a Year Keeper.

huh

I told Asria she was not understanding my words at all. She could do whatever she wished .. I was simply trying to understand but .. I was all right with not understanding. And I turned away from her.

Really fucking comfortable with it .. as a matter of fact.

She said .. from behind me ... that she had gotten defensive ... and I simply nodded in reply.

She said she was sorry and got up to come near me. Touching my arm. She does not know me very well ... not very well at all.

She told me she wanted to be a Year Keeper because Trayu was a Year Keeper and she wanted him to be proud of her.

My irritation blossomed into rage. Before I could stop the words they fell from my tongue .. I said ... if the only reason she was a Year Keeper was because her dead mate was one .... and that was when I caught myself.

I got up to leave .. she was trying to get an explanation out of me. What did I have to tell her? Nothing she needed to hear ... I told her to forget everything I had said and walked away.

At least I have the answer about who I need to ask to do my project.