I Have Not Found Love..Yet

Cana then pressed me for my own opinions .. turning the table so to speak. She asked me if I ever felt it. I told her no .. it was not something that I felt I had a real experience with. She asked me .. had I not ever wanted something that someone had? I told her .. that no ... not yet. That it evoked in me a desire for my own. My answer was much the same as Seveya's .. but I was not the one sporting the banner of having made any solid future like decisions. I did tell Cana that I had experienced anger .. anger at someone mistreating something I valued. Something that was there's ... that I valued ... that they showed no care of. That .. could indeed make me angry.

I told Cana that I would like to experience jealousy .. at least once. To want something so bad that I did not care if I was good for it or not .. if I was supposed to have it or not ... that I wanted it so bad there was no thought ... just desire. That I would do anything and everything in my power to attain it. Something I did not want anyone else to have .. ever. Something that would be so immature and foster so much chaos in me that I might act like an unnamed .. fresh cheeked boy and sacrifice myself on the alter of pure unadulterated desire. Something .. aside from vengence. Now THAT would be an experience. It was exciting to even think about it. I wonder what would inspire that kind of feeling and unbridled emotion in me. What could crack open that chest and spill the contents? What could cause that kind of mess? Well .. I figure love ... could ... would. It is my theory.

It is my theory that love is as powerful and as chaotic and as wonderful and terrible and painful and irrational as vengence. It is my theory that love can and would break all those rules I have and bring about actions in me I have only dreamed about .. or experienced for vengence. I have seen the one .. it is my theory that there is a balance to it. It is my theory that .. for one to exist the opposite and equal power must also exist.

But that is my theory.

Cana said everyone should drink of that bitter cup at least once so they knew they did not want it in their life. I told her I was not convinced yet that I did not want it in my life. I explained .. there is a difference in my head between experiencing it ..and what you do with it. To feel a fear of losing someone .. would be like a rare and expensive gift to me. I do not know what I would do with that fear .. I do not know if I would be mature with it. But I would give about anything at all to feel it. Just once. To feel it with the same power I knew it had.

Cana asked me .. had I not ever experienced loss? Of course I have .. I have experienced my share and then some of loss. She asked me .. had I not ever felt fear of loss? For some things .. yes ... for a woman? There have been pricks of it here and there .. but no. Not the kind of fear I was talking about. Not the kind of feeling and emotion I was referring to. Not the kind I wanted to experience ... at least once .... in my lifetime. The messy kind. The immature kind. The icky-sticky-help-me-god-I-can-not-get-it-off-me ... kind. Black nasty tar that is impervious to washing ... kind. Where you are rather sure it is going to kill you but you do not care ... kind.

I want to love like that .. and I want to be loved like that. I want someone to think they are the best thing for me and fight to prove it to me. I want them to fight me .. to prove it to me. I want them to fight the Sky .. to prove it to me. No patience .. no wisdom. No examples of maturity and rational thought. And I want to feel that for someone ... I want to love someone like that. I want to love them with the same kind of power that I hate the Sky. I want to be able to rage at them .. for them. I want to be able to break them open .. to find them. Without them leaving me because I am too brutal. I want them unsatisfied with my fractured attention span. I want them to demand my attention and get through the irritation and anger that will result from their interruption. I want to be able to hurt them worse than anyone in their entire life .. and I want them to know it is because I love them. That I will inexpertly dig into them until I get them all over my hands. That I will .. love them. And it will be messy .. and horrible. And probably the best thing I have ever felt .. because it will be deep and it will splatter all over me and through me and reach those desert places and become such a part of me that it not only flows through my veins but cuts them open from the inside ... I will bleed my love.

And so will she.

At least .. that is my theory.

A Tale of Two Larls

I told Cana what we were speaking of. Jealousy. She had her own opinions and examples .. she spoke of feeling jealousy over Ba'atar and losing her temper and striking a woman ... and then she told us a story. Well.. she told me ... a story. Yamka engaged Seveya in a conversation. But I wanted to hear Cana. I wanted to hear her story .. this was my subject ... the one I wanted to explore ... not anyone else's and I understood if they did not have the same drive to listen understand that I did.

Cana began with the tale of two larls. In a mortal combat. "One larl represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

Well .. there was my problem in the proverbial nutshell.

I do not have two larls. I only have one. I have only had one since that night when I was three years old. If I starve one .. I die. If I feed one ... I feed them both. I do not know how to separate them now .. .they are too much one being. They are amalgamated .. fused ... one within the other so tightly there are no longer any seams or stitches. They are one. They will always be one. It is who I am .. and who I will be.

Cana told me .. I had to figure out which one I wanted to win .. and that was the one I needed to feed. She told me the night she hit the woman .. that she had fed the wrong larl. I had to disagree .. in my opinion

.... she just hit the wrong person.

Almost the story of the Ribbon

It was still. Warmth spread over the grass and small insects played in the cooler air above the stream. A wisp of breeze would now and then disturb the top of the stalks and ease over my skin.

I could hear nothing where I was. Caught in a small bubble of time and space where it was just me on the entire planet. Alone .. silent ... introspective. But it did not feel bad .. not lonely ... it felt right and I was relaxed.

I could hear everything where I was. Each tiny insect .. each stalk of grass as it rustled against another. The brush of a small white cloud as it passed over the Sky. The garrulous steam prattled on with superfluous conversation .. like chattering women. Nothing important .. nothing you felt you needed to pay attention to or comment on ... but nice to hear in the background.

Seveya arrived .. I heard her and knew her well before she came into sight. She was covered in blood .. rather attractive if I do say so. Not sure what that says about me.

She snuggled up to my right side. Did not ask. Just did. I kind of liked that. She was careful and respectful and .. just made herself comfortable. Which in turn ... made me comfortable. There was no tentative moves .. no shying ... no fear. There was no invasion .. no over stimulation ...she just eased up only so close and then settled. I never had a chance to feel it coming .. and when I realized it was there ... it was not so bad. Perhaps that is why Cana is so good at it .. she is used to dealing with beasts.

She asked me what I was thinking .. which of course scattered my thoughts like a flock of startled birds. Took me a while to gather them back together into any kind of understandable sequence. I wish I was not so defensive about such things .. I think my conversations and relationships would go much smoother. But I do not know how to change that. Or take down all the traps and snares I have laid over the years. They serve me well .. most of the time.

I tried to explain to her .. how I felt. How I felt out of touch with everyone. From the very small fact of not being able to ride .. the severity of my wounds ... it had all left me feeling disconnected and far away from my family and friends. I was coming back .. but it was slow. We spoke of my wounds .. because they were an obvious subject matter and seemed connected to most of my reality lately. I told her I did not fight in the Love Wars .. she guessed from there it had something to do with revenge. She surprised me .. her deductions were very well thought out and backed up with what she had fairly learned of me so far.

We spoke of when I was Ubar .. my shift in thoughts towards dwellers and their ways. My historic tolerance .. if not appreciation. Though that was indeed .. history. These days I was not so tolerant. These days I was not so ready to listen and glean. These days ... a good dweller was a dead one. And I seemed more than willing to give Fate and Destiny a helping hand in moving things along towards that end.

This hatred .. I could not explain completely. It is not an easy thing to admit .. intolerance and such raging hatred speaks of a fear ... a weakness of some kind. I do not deal so maturely with my own fears ... especially when I have no idea what it is exactly that fuels them. Perhaps I rage more out of my own impotence with understanding than I do out of any true feeling towards dwellers. But I can not answer that for sure .. not without the knowledge I need. Not without the knowledge that I tore apart and spread all over that alley between the merchant tents.

huh

I need to learn tolerance .. at least long enough to get a few answers. You would think with my training .. I would be better at that.

She asked me if I was relieved .. that I lived. I told her of course I was .. I have no wish to die. Thinking back on it now I suppose she might be referring to the other day when I said something out loud that was supposed to remain a thought in my head .. how I wished I had died like her brother had. But that is different. To never know .. what I know ... that would be a gift. But knowing ... I have no wish to cease. I breathe .. I live ... and I will never stop seeking my next breath. If only because I wish to throw it right back in the face of the Sky.

My irreverence knows no bounds.

She seemed relieved I .. wanted to live. She mentioned all the things she wanted to "do" yet .. "us" to do. I asked her .. what if there was no "us" ... what would she say? Would she still want me to live? Would she still want to talk to me. Where was her motive in who she was to me? Was she only here .. with me ... because she wanted me. Or was it more? Did she actually like me .. enough that it did not matter what our future held .. would she still talk to me because we shared something good and comfortable. I can not act as if my feelings are involved .. I barely have feelings ... and when I do I keep them rather locked up. The only feeling allowed any kind of rein is anger. And anger protects me. Anger is my friend .. anger was with me through it all and anger has given me the will and way to survive. Anger is my strongest ally. You can not get to me without making friends with it. It is my guardian .. my beast and I keep it well fed and strong.

But she committed herself .. completely. I asked her how she could do that ... it seemed an illogical risky business to me. I wanted to understand it .. and her. I wanted to know both the theory and how it connected to her personally. There is only one way I know to understand .. cut it open and examine it. Strip it of all its skin and see what makes it live and breathe and how all its functions are connected. I tried to explain to her that .. she had not tempted my anger yet ... not "that" anger. Anger helps me understand how I feel. It connects me to that little chest of emotions that I try so hard not to open. I told her .. she was so easy to talk to I did not know if I thought of her like my sister ... or something more. Women are not always easy for me to talk to .. I can count on one hand those who are. Cana being one of them. Was Seveya destined to be .. as Cana was? My friend and sometimes confidant? Or was that one of the pieces I needed to fit into the woman I would spend the rest of my life with? The ability to be a friend .. and more.

I think too much.

She said she hoped that I would at least kiss her before I came to that conclusion. I do not now where the motive was for saying that to me .. but it made me feel better. Her honestly is a little startling and I like it. It .. made me feel more comfortable with her. Talking to her. She was listening .. but not letting my own confusion cloud her brain too much. That is priceless ... to me. To have someone I can say most anything to and they do not overreact with the content .. but listen even when they do not like what I am proposing. Half the time I am not proposing anything solid .. just thoughts. Weighing things. Learning about them. Setting them all on a table and picking through them. Seveya seemed to have the ability to do that with me.

I asked her if she was going to be patient with me and quiet .. a good little girl ... while I tried to figure it all out. I was curious .. you see. Silken and Asria are quite content to wait for me to figure it out ... on the other side of the Harigga. Have they not seen me misplace people on a regular basis? They simply fall off the edge of the earth. Which of course is my fault. And I know this. I have enough hindsight to be able to calculate and deduct a few obvious things. There is a piece of me that appears to be missing. The peace that "knows" how I feel about a woman. The piece that would allow me to .. seek ... a woman. The piece that most women seem to assume I have and then get quietly disillusioned when I do not produce it. I am not in any hurry ... they seem to be on some kind of biological time clock and it ticks away in their ear louder than anything I seem to be able to convey to them. Do other men do this for them? Do they have this missing piece? Half the time I do not even realize I have dropped the bola mid swing until it is too late. The other half of the time I am rebelling against presumptions and assumptions because I am an arrogant egotistical irreverent asshole and as soon as someone tells me what I have to do I dig in my heels and prove that I do not. Stubborn. I am sure there are more adjectives ... I have heard a few less flattering ones.

She asked me how people could figure out what they wanted from me .. how they felt about me ... without me. I told her .. I was not sure. But they sure seemed to be able to. Obviously they learned enough in their cursory examination to .. know the best thing for them was to move on. How could I fault them for that? I had no desire to make a woman miserable. Well .. not in my right mind anyway. There were times ... but that was off subject.

I told her .. it was most likely my fault. She seemed surprised by this ... I explained that no woman wants to be in a relationship by themselves and ... so often that is how it felt when dealing with me. It takes me .. forever ... to get to the point where the work of a relationship even occurs to me and by then ... there is not much to work on. I told her .. I was not much of a partner in what I had experienced. I knew this ... chances wasted. Though a few of them .. broke the rules. Those I had not wasted .. those I had walked away from with the blade of unforgiveness still dripping with their blood. I may not always know what I want .. but I have a rather firm grasp on what I do not want.

She told me she was glad they were all gone .. the ones through the years. I had to chuckle .. her honesty again. Could she still feel that way when she experienced what I was talking about? Could she weather it? Could she see through it and pick up the belief and faith I was always dropping along the way? We spoke of T'zuri ... of her courageous standing in the face of the wind of my carelessness .. my lack of direction. I asked her if she was jealous.

She told me jealousy was a useless emotion. Well .. there are ways of looking at it and then there are ... ways. I can argue either point and I wanted to test her theory and see how well it held water. Did she know what she spoke of? Had she ever .. wanted ... really wanted something that someone else had. Had she ever known the fear of loss .. to the point of acting irrationally? If I only knew that this conversation was a painful portent of things to come. But I was an oblivious Spex .. as I usually am when it has to do with me. Unless I am predicting that a woman will move on without ever getting to know me despite their proclamations to the contrary. I nail that one dead center.

So I asked her .. if she would handle it so maturely ... side step the possibly dirty emotion of jealousy .. if I were to take another woman as a mate. It was theory .. I have no intentions ... no one is in that position with me. This is all about me seeking to understand how her feelings work .. define them in ways I can understand where they stop and where they end. Where they are mature and where they start acting like real feelings. I do not find feelings mature .. I find the rein of logic and rules to be mature. Feelings? Not so much.

She gave me a dance step .. told me we were talking about jealousy ... not heartache. So I stepped right with her and asked her to explain heartache and the difference. She told me that if I mated another woman it would mean that she made me happier and she would be heartbroken .. and at the same time be happy for me and my happiness. I .. asked her ... really?

So .. that meant she thought there was a woman out there that would make me happier than she could? Did she really believe that?

Danger

She told me she did not believe it there was a woman who could make me happier than she could.

Nice save.

Then she told me .. that if I took another woman as my mate it would not matter how she felt .. because I would all ready have her as .. my mate.

huh

Seveya is unwilling to play with me in the little sandbox of .. what if. I never got a chance to press her further because Cana arrived and the entire subject became much more generic .. rather than pointedly directed at Seveya. But .. I was aware she side stepped that one. I am not sure if she did it because she refuses to even think about it ..

...or if she does not like her own answers.

This is .. Love?

I am a man.

That being said I seem to be thinking about the differences .. between men and women ... a lot lately. Between the Love Wars and my own personal life .. I seem to be mulling over my own preferences .. my reasons for liking or disliking ... contemplating the way that fits with another person. What attracts me .. what obviously does not. What I seek and look for ... what may or may not inspire me.

And in this case .. the case of me ... thoughts like this with main lined introspection .. usually take a while. But eventually I will get around to fine tuning .. honing my own preferences until I have a relatively good idea.

In regards to Asria I have come to the conclusion that .. I do not like being treated as I have been. The punctuation on that sentence is audible.

I do not like being ignored .. I do not like people being there .. being willing to be in my presence ... and ignoring me. It hurts me. I do not like being hurt ... I tend to avoid it. I get very motivated to avoid it.

After the ludicrousness of defending Asria .. the way Asria was brought up and kept by Trayu ... to Cana Tarra and Kaeli ... when all I wished to do was vent about Asria and the way she treated me ... I shut down a little. I do not want to have to tell people all the good things about Asria when I am angry with her for hurting me. It was ironic and disturbing to my psyche. I want my friends to pat me on the head and tell me it is all going to be all right and to tend my little wounds and make me feel better ... not worse. I just wanted a cookie and a cup of milk .. not a philosophical discussion on the merits of independence and whether or not there is only one definition for independence or if the very essence of the word .. independence ... means being one's own and not conforming to the majority just because it is the majority. You can not make someone more independent by forcing them to conform. Independence .. the core of that ... is self defined. If Asria changed her mind about how she wished to define it .. that was different. If Cana and Tarra and Kaeli could convince her to think as they did ... that was different. But to force someone to believe in the definition ... was the epitome of waste. Why trim away what makes a person independent? To make them .. independent? Where is my cookie?

I did not want to talk about the pros and cons of preferences in men for women. I did not want to have to tell them that I find the way Asria was brought up attractive. That as a man I am drawn to a woman that needs me. Even for so simple a thing as to grease an axle. I did not want to have to expound on the fact that I look for ways that help define me as a man .. that make me feel important and needed and Asria does that. I did not want to have to remind them that just because I found that part of her attractive it did not mean I found them any less attractive. That I find many different women attractive for different reasons. I did not want to tell them all those things when Asria had done something else that negated all that and made it moot. And yet .. I had to because I will not be a hypocrite and I will not break the rules. Even when I think they are stupid and inconvenient and they ... hurt me.

That is the man that I am.

So it was a much more quiet mood .. a much more introspective mood ... a much kinder mood that Asria found me in the next morning.

Not that it helped any.

She approached me as I sat on the steps .. I have been learning to do things one handed again .. my arm at least has been released from the wrappings but I still am not using it much yet. She smiled .. it did not reach her eyes ... and she told me good morning. I told her Tal. She stated that I was upset with her yesterday. I asked her if she was telling me that or asking me? Was I supposed to comment on it or answer it?

"It wears me down how everything I say you turn around on me like that Fonce. You seemed very annoyed with me when I left yesterday. May I explain why I was so quiet?"

Everything she says I turn around? By asking her what she meant? What she sought by that from me? I felt defeated from that moment on. I felt .. just by being me I was wearing her down. I felt .. as I have felt with most everyone for my entire life. That I was not good for her. And in turn .. she was not good for me.

I tried to tell her that .. I tried to tell her she could tell me ... explain to me anything she wished but that if she kept telling me over and over and over again I was not good for her that .. I only knew one way to fix that.

I am tired of women telling me to stop .. being me. At some point .. I can not change any more .. at some point ... I can only be ... me.

She tried to tell me how upset she was .. how thoughts of Trayu had been on her mind ... I will not come in second to a ghost. Not for her or T'zuri or anyone else. She tired to tell me how terrible .. again ... it was that I switch guardianship. How I uprooted and made her feel vulnerable. Where was the trust .. where was that "love" she had spoken of? There was none. It did not exist. All that existed was the need to make me realize how bad I was .. while telling me not to feel bad. Asking me what had happened that made it so she could not talk to me.

huh

She told me that is why she did not speak to me at the stream. Because she saw I was happy and did not want to ruin it. I told her if that is what she saw she could just .. go away. Should .. go away. If she saw that another woman made me happier and that caused her to ignore me .. I did not want a damn thing to do with her. If that is how she problem solved .. she could fuck off. Better to know her defeatist attitude now .. better to know she would prefer to walk away from me than be motivated to make me happy ... now.

I told her to go away. I told her I would have no patience with her insecurities and doubts. I told her I spread those kinds of wounds open and pour salt in them. It was .. is ... what I do.

Instead of realizing I was teaching her something .. instead of listening to me. She asked me why I kept telling her she did not know me but when she tried to know me I did "this". I told her strait up .. "you should not treat me like you did yesterday". I asked what exactly I was not making clear .. what did she wish to know? I told her if "this" was a problem though she needed to be very clear on one thing ... "this ... was me. Is me. It is my identity .. it is what I do ... it is how I handle things. I told her it offended me she did not appreciate it more.

And then .. she really started to frustrate me.

She told me she did not want to ruin my day. She said .. "You were happy Fonce, even if.. your happiness is not at my side I still have no desire to take it from you."

Who taught her that boskshit? What complete moron ever gave her the idea that was .. all right? What romantic drivel has she been listening to? Does she really believe that is how it works in the real world? Does she really believe that is how it works with .. me? I have never heard anything so stupid in my entire life. And I have heard some stupid shit. Did she honestly for a moment think that I would be plied with such pathetic platitudes? That such a weak shortsighted passive aggressive statement would not infuriate me?

I told her to go away.

I told her if she thought I needed her to ignore me and drag Lei away from me for my own happiness .. she really needed to go away. To stay away. To stay as far away from me as possible.

Then she told me how unpleasant and mean I was.

me

unpleasant and mean

me?

Then ... then she tells me how much she wants to walk away but can not. How much she wishes to turn off how she feels but she can not. That she wants .. things. I told her I did not believe her. She makes no sense to me. She wants those things from me but she is more than willing to dangle them .. then jerk them away at any given moment for my own good? Ignoring me .. jerking Lei away from the stream .. from me ... because I made the mistake of looking happy.

Sky forgive me. I seem to have committed an unpardonable sin .. zot me now.

The Sky is silent

figures

I told her if she was not strong enough to make the decision to stay away from me .. I could make it for her. I was capable of making the hard decisions ... I am good at it. Remember?

She told me that is not what she wanted. That she was not leaving.

Why now? Why would she "not leave" yesterday? What changed? Why is it all right to plague me now .. and not yesterday? Because I was not looking particularly happy when she saw me sitting on the steps? Should I make sure I am not looking happy .. if I wish her to be there?

This is where I lost it. My brain was tied up in so many knots and I could no longer keep the angry hurt side from mixing up with the analytical logical side and it all swirled together .. and I lost my mind. I think it swirled counter clockwise and just .. vanished. There is a hole in the keg .. and the paga is all gone.

I love you Fonce so why are you not the man I want you to be?

huh

You are unpleasant and mean and why do you hurt me so much when all I do is love you for making me happy?

huh

If I see you happy that entitles me to hurt you and make you miserable and to take myself and anyone I control that I know you love and .. leave.

figures

I knew .. I was losing it. I knew .. in a distant kind of way ... that I needed to walk away. I told her .. if she wanted me to believe the parts she said about how much she liked .. or loved ... or wanted to be near me. She better fucking look happy the next time I saw her. I told her to have something good to say about me .. or just walk away. Stay away. I heard her tell me she would not do so. But I no longer believe her.

And if this is love .. I wash my hands of it.

To Be Independent

.. does not mean to conform

"I grant you religious freedom .. you are now free to worship ... me. Or die. You are free to choose. So much freedom .. you lucky bastards! You are now even *free to .. jubilantly revel .. and bask.

*There is no charge for basking. Small charge for reveling ... bigger charge if you do it jubilantly. Stop jubilantly reveling if you experience any rectal bleeding and consult a doctor if you feel free for more than four hours."

-yes .. that was me

Separation Anxiety

I Am

I stand in the middle .. far above and far beneath. Here I am safe .. my strength is great and I can protect. I can breathe. Here I exist.

I Am

Yet now you course through my veins with razor's edge lancing my apathy and releasing all my carefully secured emotions and they bleed from me like scarlet tears ... crimson ribbons of intensity that fall away from me. I can not find a place to put them all ... I keep trying to scrape them up off the slick wet floor and put them back .. back where they belong. They are chaos .. and I am ... order.

I Am

Your Beautiful poison breaks from my skin like festering boils of desire and longing and I do not know what to do with the puss that leaks from my pours .. the empty feeling inside as the pressure flows and my flesh cools in a sensation I am lulled by ... soothed by .... addicted to .. even as I know how much it is changing who I am ... forever.

I Am

You can not understand. You can not know what it does to me to come down here .. where you are. The mortality weighs on my bones like slabs of stone. I am half the man .. I am weaker ... I am human. Do you not realize how long it took me to climb to where I was? In my attempts to find you? Where you lived up there .. above me. Only to realize that you .. have gone down there. Down there where the fetid air sucks out the marrow of my bones and I am cracked .. and broken.

I Am

I have followed you .. down there. Down here. And I can not breathe .. the tears of sorrow do not spread across my tongue in sadistically savored sweetness... they wet my cheeks and I succumb to the gut wrenching sobs that take who I am as a man and splatter it across the room in uncontrolled rage ... my abdominal muscles clenching on emptiness. The spasms strong enough to fracture my hollow skeleton.

I Am

What is it you see down here? What is it that draws you to these places of empty hope .. lost faith ... and forgotten love? How does Beauty belong here? How can you survive? I can not protect you here .. I am ... too weak. Here I am a mistake .. fallible. My wings clawed from my back so that I can not fly .. the earth bound misfit ... I fall in a spiral to once more feel my feet upon this cursed soil. I am marked and they remember me here .. and I am the Unforgiven. They seek me .. with cold and clammy fingers... for all I have done and they mean to take it in measure for my sins. And yet .. here you are ... among them. Why? Why do you fall so far .. for them.

I Am

I am the soldier .. I am the warrior. I am the Watchman ... I am .....

I Am

I have fought my way above. No peace. I have slaughtered and laid waste. I have taken victory from their mouths. I have taken and not given back. I have destroyed lives and scattered energies to be where I stand .. it was all done for you. All of it. All that I am .. for you .... all that

I Am

And yet you bring me back .. here. Why? Why do you subject me to such a cruel fate as this? Why do you break down my walls and breech what I have girded. Why do you infuse me with weakness .. when I am all that stands between you and certain death? Why have you reduced your champion to such depths of impotence? Why have you blinded your Watchman.. bound your guardian ... and set the coal to the lips of your arbiter? Am I not the one? The one who stood by you? Who sacrificed all that ..

I Am

If I could just have one suckle of breath .. before I forget what I worked so hard to attain. If I could just see clearly .. for a moment before it all goes black again. If I could just know peace .. before the cacophony screams for my attention. If I could just remember .. order ... before the chaos pulls me under and I give you all that ..

I Am

©2009 Written in Desperation to Understand .. Beauty

Please Help Me Mend

.. my broken heart

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life


Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I am glad I survived.

*System of a Down

One thing that had weighed heavily on me while I lay staring at the hole in the top of Ogedaii's wagon .. was the last time I had spoken to Asria. The harsh words .. the violence in me towards her. It bothered me. I do not want to revisit the mistakes I made with Leonette. I do not want to be .. that man. One of the first things I did when I realized I was going to live .. was talk to Ayguili about taking over Asria's guardianship. I did not speak to her about it first. I did not have the strength to deal with her .. I did not have the strength yet to have her rage at me over it. I just wanted to know she would be .. protected and all right. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders when I got that loose end tied up. When I knew it was done and I knew she would be safe and taken care of and .. there was one more step between her and my temper.

An Ubar kind of step .. a step I would respect.

It was not just for her .. it was for Lei. I could not be that man to Lei through Asria. I could not expose that part of me to her. I would never do that. And yet I am very aware that despite the fact I say I could not or would not do things .. I do. Not that my wrath has ever been visited on a child .. but Asria has tempted me .. more than once. I can not allow that. I must take care of both of them.

I knew she would not be happy with me .. but I did expect her to know ... to realize that I would not do something like this unless it was for her good. That I do not take my responsibilities lightly .. that I labor over decisions like this. I expected her to know me well enough to know that .. I expected someone who told me they knew me well enough to love me ... to know that. I never dreamed .. and I can dream some shit ... that she would use Lei against me. That she would use Lei to hurt me. I must have hurt her .. badly ... for her to be able to do that. But how could I have hurt her so terribly? Did she not know me? Did she not understand me enough to love me?

ZOT

huh

She said so .. she said she loved me ... I no longer believe her.

And I was not even running around cursing the Sky. Just a case of "teach Fonce a lesson on general purposes" I suppose. It would really help if I had some fucking clue what the lesson was so I could learn it all ready. This one I would actually like to learn. I would really like to figure out how not to get sucker punched for it.

I actually made my way to the Fires that night. It had only been a few days but it felt like years to me. I had lived a few lifetimes on the floor of that wagon. It was good to see everyone .. but highly over stimulating. I had trouble keeping up with all the things said to me at once. So many ... it felt good but very confusing. I am sure I missed half of what was said to me. I hope I did not hurt anyone's feelings .. I hope they realized I was a little out of it.

Asria was hell bent on speaking to me. I was not up for it .. but I had to be. I understood ... or at least I thought I did. I know now I did not have a fucking clue. Which I should by now .. know that I do not. I should just assume too presume that I am not in the "know" ... ever.

She opened with Lei .. with what I had done to her. What the child thought about me .. and what she had to say about me. Each thing ripped my heart apart .. tore it asunder ... and left me cold and dead. I told her .. I hoped Lei would speak to me about those feelings. Then she told me she would not allow Lei to do so. She would not allow me to break her heart any more than I had all ready done. She said .. she could not trust me ... to speak to Lei.

I would swear to you there were audible clicks as the doors and walls fell into place. There was nothing .. is nothing ... Asria could have said or would try to say after that ... that could or would reach me ... or impact me in any way. That part of me is dead .. bloated and ... gone.

And today I think is the loneliest day of my life.

If she was going to cheat with Lei .. why did not she not send Lei first .. knowing I would never hurt that child. Knowing that if anyone could get anything out of me .. it was Lei. Lei could have asked me anything ... anything at all and I would have given it to her. Lei could have raged at me and never tempted my temper.

Where had all this anger come from? Where had this hurt come from? Why could she just not ask me what I meant before she went off on me? Before she took something so precious from me and told me it was because I was such a .. terrible man. How could she feel that much hurt from me when I did not even do anything to her .. yet. When everything I did .. I did because I am the man I am. I have come to the conclusion that women who get so angry .. so easy ... who feel I hurt them by being me ... so easily and have a temper about it without even talking to me first to find out my thoughts .. my intentions ... my feelings .... are just not for me. I am a man .. and on top of that I am a man not always easy to understand or follow my intentions or feelings. I know this .. I have learned this through experience after experience. I know by now I need someone who will believe the best of me despite what it looks like on the surface. I need someone to have a little faith that I do not hurt the people I care for on purpose. Ever. Not like that. I am not so careless with my words or my decisions. If they are so quick to see hurt in me when I mean the best .. what will happen when I actually do something I need to apologize for? Do they not realize that to falsely accuse me .. to see wrong where there was no wrong ... I have no patience with? To take a misunderstanding and go so far with it .. tells me there is no hope for the fact that I am human and actually make mistakes on top of everything else. Really fucking big mistakes. If I needed any more evidence that I had made the right decision in switching the guardianship .. I had it right before me delivered on a silver platter.

Later at the fires .. Asria had come to the conclusion that Lei should talk to me. I did not feel it .. I did believe in it any more. Cana and Ayguili told Asria to wait .. to send Lei. I was standing right there .. Asria was the only person that even addressed me about it and whether or not I wanted it. I simply told her that Lei would find me when she was ready. I had no more faith. And all that was compounded by the fact that .. Cana and Ayguili both tried to protect Lei from me .. and my temper ... because I was wounded. Perhaps it was to protect me from Lei .. either way ... it spelled much the same thing to me at that point.

Despite what people "think" is going on I need someone to look deeper .. to see more ... to believe in me.

Because I have trouble believing in myself.

And today .. is the loneliest day of my life.

The Most Powerful Force

So there I was miserably lamenting my lack of inspiration.

ZOT

Leave it to the Sky to help me out with that.

Lightning meet Fonce's copper lance. Well met .. but do you think we could stop meeting like this?

And there was not even a beautiful woman promising great reluctant pleasure.

huh .. figures

I was standing at the stake looking across at Cream .. who was not bad to look at actually. Standing near .. some Turian I do not remember her name. Not bad to look at .. but certainly did not inspire great deeds in me. In fact .. the way her stake was decorated got more attention from me than she did. I found it odd and intriguing at the same time. I had never seen a stake decorated like that .. and then ... someone got my attention.

It was not a woman.

No indeed .. it was a man. Could have been Turian .. he was dark like a Turian but dressed like an Arian. It was the way he was dressed that drew my attention at first .. then I recognized him. Which is using that word "recognize" far too loosely. I knew him .. but I did not know how I knew him. I knew I did not like him .. I knew I recognized him from the three years I was missing .. but I did not know why. I did not know where .. or how. I simply knew .. him. And everything I knew made me very ... very angry.

I had just been speaking to Seveya about the idea of revenge. How powerful .. vengeance ... can be. I left the stake .. and followed him. There was no other thought in my mind. There was not anyone or anything that would have gotten in my way. There is no voice or reason or logic that I would have listened to. I would have cut down .. destroyed ... anyone who even tried to get in my way. Anyone.

There was only .. him. There was only .. what I was going to do to him. There was only ... the answers I wanted from him. There was only ... anger. Anger flavored by every other negative emotion and it built up in me like a raging flood and reached every part of my brain and will .. tainting it ... taking it over and using it to get what I wanted. Him.

It must have been written all over my face. Tao and Ogedaii fell in behind me .. I did not see them. I did not know they were there. The only reason I know now is that I was told. No one else seemed to notice .. only that I was not around. No one else saw the intense hatred as I left .. no one realized how intent I was. No one but Ogedaii and Tao. Fucking little observant Tuchuks. I want to kick both their asses .. yet I am faced with the fact they saved my life. Again.

figures

There were three of them .. at some point the man must have realized I was following him .. I was not making any large secret of the fact I was. I was going to kill him and I did not care who knew. Especially him. Seemed fair enough .. for him to know his end was near. He led me right into two others .. around the corner of a merchant stall .. they were waiting for me. I still did not care .. went strait for the man I knew .. and he came strait for me. I know I would have died .. I know I was not in my right mind and in no shape to take on three at once .. not as angry as I was. Not as hell bent on revenge .. as I was. Tao and Ogedaii saved my life .. then ... and later.

I do not remember most of the fight .. but unlike Serge ... there was only one death in my focus ... no one else's. When it was over .. he was dead. Dead several times if Ogedaii and Tao are correct in the retelling of it. Seems I wanted to make sure .. and sure ... and then sure some more. Which .. is not really what I wanted. Not in entirety. I wanted some answers .. but I could not see through my own anger long enough to get them. I could not stop .. the desire to kill ... enough to give me what I actually really wanted. Which was some idea .. some trail of clues ... something to start me on my way to understanding and knowing about those three years. I had lost an awful lot here in the Tuchuk .. in my life .. for those three years. Someone .. owed me ... a lot. I meant to collect. I collected all over this man .. but I never got my answers.

I remember .. that I killed him. I remember .. that I was sure he killed me. I felt it. I know the injury .. I have seen it happen enough times. It was not the shoulder .. it was not my leg ... the one that I thought did me in. It was the one right through my stomach. I have seen men die of gut wounds. They live for hours .. sometimes days. But the end is inevitable.

When I woke in Ogedaii's wagon .. I was a little surprised to be alive still .. but not hopeful that I would remain so. Ogedaii and Tao .. with my directive ... stole medical supplies from some of the supply wagons. I have no idea from whom .. or where. I did not want anyone to know where I was .. how bad I was. I wanted to wait and find out if I was going to live. But Ogedaii's bitch seemed to know what she was doing. She is a lot nicer .. than she used to be. Ogedaii seems to have ... touched her.

By the look of her .. he touches her a lot.

But she knows her healing ways .. she said she was a Healer with the Kataii before she was stolen and bought by the traveling entertainers. The ones that dressed her up as if she was a cannibal from the jungle .. simply because of the darkness of her skin. She told me the red ribbon saved my life. That it had caught and the blade had shoved it through my guts .. instead of slicing through them. Though she made me drink the nastiest concoction smelling of peppermint .. or some kind of mint. She told me it would tell her .. things. She could have been a Spex .. or a Black Mask. At the time it could have gone either way for me. Healing .. torture.

I spent a lot of time with the bitch in Ogedaii's wagon. I had a lot of time to think about things. About death. I had no idea if I would live through the next couple of days. I doubted it in fact. I thought a lot about Silken and Asria and Seveya. About those in my care .. about those that depended on me. About those I cared about. About those I missed. All those .. before death thoughts ... that usually we do not have time to think about. And I seemed to have all the time in the world just for that. I put everything in order .. in my head. I gave Ogedaii and Tao all the instructions .. in case I died. Told them messages for each person. What to do with all my possessions .. slaves ... bosk ... wagons ... stuff. And then I .. waited ... to die.

About the third day I realized I was going to live.

figures

Plains of a Thousand Stakes

The Love Wars. They have never been a thing of high interest for me. Obviously since I have rarely spoken about them or told stories of them. They simply are. They are .. like hunting down tabuk is. Or slaughtering a bosk .. is. It ... just is. They ... just are.

I know why they exist. I think of them as a War to make Peace. It is a logical and precise way of taming the chaos and meeting Turia with skill and force and ... both of us survive. War is not an exact science. It is not something to rely on or to count on. It can leave you vulnerable and with the luck of the wind ... can leave you dead. So .. I see this is a great way to reduce the overall destruction and still retain that show of force so needed in maintaining any sort of peace. At least with warring sorts of men .. which we are. And besides .. the prizes could not be any lovelier. Though I have yet to meet a prize that I did not sell or give away. Obviously I have won several since I am still alive. And yet the women involved did not register for long on my conscious. At least after I raped them and got to the part where I tried to talk to them. Obviously .. the talking part was not interesting enough to remember well.

I do not know if it was the intense conversation that lasted most of the day with Seveya .. or if I was just not in the mood. But none of the women attracted me at the stakes .. not one. I usually do not have trouble finding something .. someone to fight for. Some bit of female flesh that tempts me and brings out that testosterone fueled instinct to kill and win and take for my own. Yet .. I could not. Nothing inspired me. Was this some kind of apathetic backlash from the emotional twisting I had just experienced? Was there actually not one Turian bit of virginity that could tempt me as a man to lift weapon in hand and test my strength and will upon another? Usually that appealed to me so .. easily. Not this day. I was .. uninspired. More than usual. Surely some sort of teasing .. a bit of flesh ... when was I not in the mood to rape some girl for the sake of rape ... emotions be damned? Most times such an easy sell for me. Most men. And yet .. nothing. Not one of them did I want to fuck .. let alone fight to fuck. Were the Turian women so .. lacking inspiration ... or was it me?

Where was my support in the entire process of the Love Wars? Where was my patriotism ... my Tuchuk spirit. The hoorah .. the slapping of lance against my shield. The building of blood in the vein until it sings of glory and honor .. pounding in my skull.

I felt nothing. I walked the entire line of stakes .. that takes a while. Still ... nothing.

I was going to need a lot of paga tonight. Somewhere I had to find that spirit in me that would not only ensure my participation in something I believed in but ... would also ensure that I might survive it.

Survival .. was rather high on my list of things to do.

I think.

Something Very Wrong

I have a problem that I cannot explain,
I have no reason why it should have been so plain,
Have no questions but I sure have excuse,
I lack the reason why I should be so confused

I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I, don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you

*System of a Down

Looking back on the rest of the afternoon with Seveya .. if I had to pluck from it the most impacting thought .. the most important part ... I would have to choose the vacillation I was doing between my thoughts of her as a friend .. or as something more. I am perfectly aware she wants something more from me than friendship. How? She told me so. Kudos to her for giving me a heads up and not making me wander around in some oblivious state until it was too late. Which has happened to me more times than not. But it means nothing to me .. those words. Other than I can be aware of what she wants. It does not mean I feel that way .. or that I know even how I feel. Most of the time I never get to figure that part out.

I have easy conversation with Seveya. She does not push me too hard .. she does not dig into me too deeply. We share things as friends. Much like when Cana and I talk. We respect boundaries and are aware of each others softer spots and avoid them like quicksand. But we have a lot of conversation. A lot gets shared .. I like that. I like that it is easy and flows and there is no anger.

There is no anger.

That .. is a problem. Now most would assume that was a good thing. Most would think they were on the right track with me and feel good about the part where they had not pissed me off. Which .. in some ways that is true enough. This is most certainly not a dissertation on the benefits of pissing off Fonce. Hardly so. It really is not a good idea and I highly recommend .. not ... doing so. Yet ... people inevitably do. It is a part of life I have come to recognize as normal and expected. It is a sign to me that I feel. That I have feelings. Without it .. I am unsure. I am at a loss for how I feel. I can not find my emotions .. my feelings ... without going through the door of anger.

Now Cana has frustrated me .. disappointed me. And I am sure that goes both ways. In the course of our friendship there have been misunderstandings and growth. All very normal. It is how it works .. when it works. But Cana and I remain very respectful to the deep down hidden parts of each other. We side step them. We are friends.

In my attempts to define this relationship with Seveya and what it means to me .. I have come to the conclusion that Seveya and I are friends. We treat each other almost the same way as Cana and I do. The difference is that I will slice and cut Seveya .. where I will not Cana. Why? Because I am seeking to know if this thing with Seveya is something more than friendship. I take her opinion .. her desire ... seriously. And I wish to have an answer for her. Does it all seem analytical and logical? Well that would be because it is. I do not trust emotions. They lie cheat steal and in most ways fail me in being reliable. So I must base my relationships on something more than emotion. I must make logical decisions based on my attempts at analyzing. I must pick things apart .. turn them inside out and look at them upside down. I must know things .. I must base my decision on all that I know and all that I surmise to be true above and beyond what I may or may not feel.

I tried to feel .. I tried to force her to make me feel. I tried everything. I plied her with questions .. I attacked her with questions. I touched her .. I forced her to touch me. Nothing that would go beyond .. cross a boundary ... or be something that would devalue her in any man's eyes. And nothing that would sabotage a relationship with her. Which was a great big step on my part

.. I am not always so mature.

Just enough to ... push. To incite. To get a rise. But she is placid. Still waters. She does not ... well I do not know. I can not place her. I can not .. figure it out. I can not figure out why I am not angry. I can not figure out why she is not ... something. She is not dead .. her affect changes ... she responds to my touch ... to my digging around in her head. But she responds as if I tossed a pebble into mud. Instead of clear water.

Her ways .. her answers. Are so mature and well thought out. They are .. as if someone gave her all the answers as to how things were supposed to work. What things young women were supposed to say. She does not get them wrong ... any of them. Which .. is a huge danger sign to me. I do not believe anyone is really that perfect and mature. I do not believe anyone knows all the right answers when they are feeling deeply. I do not believe that anyone can be that wise when they are lost in emotions.

I know at least ... that I am not.

I tried to tell her all these things. I tried to explain it all. I have never tried so hard to make someone understand. Perhaps it was just another tactic to push and pull .. to act and get reactions. I do not know .. I was lost in the entire thing. I tried to tell her .. that I lose myself. That I get lost in myself ... consequently I lose people. I do not realize that I am doing it .. I simply look up one day and realize ... they are gone. And rightly so .. I do not blame them for getting tired of waiting around for me to wander back from where ever I have been inside my head. I do not expect someone to be there .. after that. I just want someone to understand .. at least once ... what it looks like from this end. What it feels like .. the continued loss .. time after time. There is always .. loss ... and no one to blame but myself.

I do not know if Seveya is too much like me. I do not know if she will get as lost as I do. What then? We go through life being perfectly happy being .. lost? That does not sound functional. Even if it is rather functional in its dysfunction. I do not wish to settle for such a thing. I do not wish to settle for the crutch .. when I think it is possible to run and jump on both of my legs. I just have to figure out how.

Now and then that day I would push her hard enough that I would feel something in return .. some resistance ... something that let me know she was there on the other end shoving back. Other times I would push and .. the energy would simply pass from me and .. go to what or where ... I have no idea. Like throwing a punch into water. She would simply wrap and fold and move around the force as if I had no power. But that is not what I want .. it is not what I need. And it makes me want to put her on a shelf somewhere ... a pedestal ... and keep her safe. Keep her as my friend .. as a sister. As someone to protect and not dig my fingers into .. gutting on the sharp desires that rest so alive and ready on the tips of my touch.

It was one of those times .. when she was being sweet and cute and giving and mature and ... perfect ... that I lost it. I took her by her arms and shook her like a rag doll and I demanded that she stop. Just stop it. Stop having all the precise and right answers and stop being so .. right ... just ... stop. I could not see .. my world went black and I just wanted her to stop ... for a moment. It was wrong .. all of it. It is not so .. easy ... it is not ... so ...

I felt the warmth of blood as it started down my face from my nose .. I heard her say my name ... I came back .. slowly. I thought for a moment I had hurt her... that I had done something terrible. But she was insisted she was all right ... she even wiped at my face with the sleeve of her tunic. If she wanted me to think of her as something other than my sister she needs to stop doing that .. but ... the ludicrousness of it all got to me and I saw the humor and I started to chuckle.

I needed to go put my head together for the Love Wars. I needed to go and think .. to drag my wounded carcass into a hole somewhere and figure out how to put my brain back together into some semblance of normalcy. I was just leaving her when she took one of the red ribbons from her hair and she handed it to me .. told me to bring it back to her. It was an endearing gesture. It was something I could hold in my hand and understand and it touched me ... even as I was still reeling from all the other things I could not grasp or understand. I tucked the ribbon into my belt and I left her there by the edge of the stream.

And I still do not know what I feel .. how I feel ... about Seveya.

Do You Have a Place .. Like That

There I was .. sitting on the steps again. Pondering the existentialism of blackwine .. all alone ... in the big wide universe.

Probably because I had been drinking paga most of the night before. But that is just a quick assumption without any facts to give my theory backbone.

Seveya was watched as she approached. Said approach was very slow and painful .. she looked like she had been run over by a kaiila. Which is pretty much what had happened when she had tried to ride the unbroken beast .. though she had ridden it ... the result was much the same as getting run over. I told her to come sit by me. Which was odd. Odd because I rarely tell free women what to do and even more rare do I tell them to come any closer. In this case Seveya appeared safe enough .. and I wanted to understand a few things. At least that was my intention.

It took her a while to make her way from the fire to the steps. Even longer to settle on them. As she did she asked me how I was and I chuckled and told her .. better than she ... obviously. I reached for her hand .. just a finger beneath it to lift it more by will than pressure. As I examined the bruising I asked her if it was worth it. That smile that spread over her lips answered me even if her words had not confirmed it ... she said it was totally worth it. I had to chuckle. I told her how put salve on it and elevate it .. I told her I would have advised her to elevate other parts but I would have been accused of some perverted flirtation.

Which .. in my case ... was true.

We spoke of wagers and landings and whether or not she would be trying it again any time soon. We spoke of courage. I found her words interesting ... she has a lot of courage in some things ... not so much in others. It intrigues me ... to watch her develop it. Her balance of courage is different than most women's.

We spoke of the difference between courage and a death wish. We spoke of challenges and adrenaline ... of honor and word ... we spoke of responsibilities and reasons to avoid challenges. At what point our testing of courage became a death wish and where the line of our responsibilities reined that in to preserve our lives. Of the line between and what rested on each side of that line and why. She spoke then of a third place and I was just asking her what she meant.

Silken arrived scratching herself all over .. her arms and shoulders bore the red welts of her nails all ready and she was digging for more. Having been lulled into a false sense of security by the easy conversation with Seveya I attempted to draw Silken in as well .. crash and burn there. Even Seveya tried to talk to her .. not sure how that went I got called aside to deal with an altercation with a few rowdy Kataii who had decided that Tuchuk bosk were good for a few wagers.

By the time I got back Silken had been gone for some time and I returned to sit on the steps and tried to remember where we were at in the conversation .. I asked Seveya where Silken went and she gestured towards the bathing wagons. I had to chuckle and I told her that was probably a good idea from what I had seen. Seveya agreed and added in what she had heard as well. Perhaps Silken would be in a better mood when she got out .. a good enough mood to actually talk to me.

I asked Seveya if she meant some place between the two extremes we were speaking of .. a middle ground. She said no .. she meant a place that was more aside .. not part of either. I had misunderstood her so I asked her to explain it to me.

She told me she could only give me her experience as an example of what she was attempting to explain to me. She described to me a place she had been in after her mother's death .. a gray place where there was only action and very little input from emotion. Routine .. motions ... things that kept her alive but did nothing to further her knowledge and learning of the world around her.

The place she spoke of was familiar to me. A little different .. all right perhaps in a few ways a lot different but she did not need to know that because in the ways that were important .. the ways that she was speaking of ... the place was much the same. I simply referred to it as the desert. A time and place of nothing. Lack of emotion .. a particular apathy for me. But unlike Seveya I continued to learn and grow. Perhaps my gray .. or desert ... was easier to adapt to. Less sadness. More anger. There was more there .. in my thoughts but I had no words for them.

She asked me if I knew others .. if they had places like that. I told her I did not know .. but I guessed everyone did to a certain extent. I told her she was the first one to ever speak to me of it. I also told her it was .. twofold for me. This desert.

I did not get a chance to explain this .. "twofold" ... aspect because she asked me strait up if I had gone to a place like that .. the desert ... the day that the teasing had begun at the fires about Asria being pregnant. The question was too close and unexpected .. I was instantly suspicious and aggressive. I asked her why she asked me that .. why she would ask me that. She remained calm and explained to me she watched me disconnect and walk away. Observant little Tuchuk. Most people miss or disregard the disconnect. I even tried to catch the thought for her .. but every time I was sure I had my hands on it .. it would slip through my fingers. I asked her to explain what she meant .. again. To ask me again. Perhaps if she said it .. voiced it ... put words to it while I was trying to catch it ... I might just get my fist around it. Whether or not she knew what I needed .. whether or not she understood why she had to repeat herself ... she did so and with greater detail. Enough that I was able to settle into the thought rather firmly .. separating the anger from the words .. sedating the emotions contained within so that I could use the scalpel and open them up a little for her to see their machinations.

I spoke of the humor .. the teasing people found in my uncomfortableness with the entire process. That they assumed that it was about the .. mess. It was the best word I could find at the time though .. I was still unsatisfied with it. But .. I told her ... that was not all it was. There was some of that .. for me. The simple mystery of it all ... that I wanted to stay a mystery. Things I did not feel an attachment to and I did not want to know. Felt no need to know. Felt rather strongly about not knowing. But there was more to it .. than that.

I never did get to tell her .. what "more than that" was. She spoke to me of her own feelings. Of how she did not want to know the details of other women's experiences. It was hard for her. I asked her strait up if she was afraid. She said no .. she did not feel afraid of it but that ... she wanted to have those experiences for herself. She wanted to feel them without it being tainted by others experiences. I asked her where she was when her mother died .. she told me. By now she was starting to tense .. starting to feel defensive ... my questions were like lance attacks .. swift and sharp ... and direct. I could feel her bleeding .. even as I delivered them. But they were the kind of cuts that were well placed .. and the weapon was sharp and clean. The wounds I gave would heal quickly .. not so much the reason I gave them. Though I think Seveya has dealt with hers much better than I. Our circumstances .. our experience with the same kind of event are from different perspectives. She reminded me she was her mother's daughter ... not her mother. I am not sure if that was more for me or more of a reminder to herself. I asked her if she was "afraid to die .. like that."

"To die bringing life?" She seemed to think on the question for a little while before she continued. "I feel an instinct.. with this. A very strong protective.. instinct.. to do what I must.. anything.. I can.. if it meant bringing life. I do not know this fear though. I haven't.. been there.. or been faced with it.. the possibility.. to know it."

"How is it .. worth it?" I had not asked her that. I asked the Sky .. the air around us ... the steps we sat on ... anything ... but she assumed I asked her of course and answered.

"Continuation.. life.. legacy.. Each of us .. is like a tapestry.. bearing the threads of our ancestors. We apply these threads.. but add our own.. continuing to evolve that tapestry.. enlightening and discovering, enriching it.. in preparation of the next generation."

To such a generic question .. I suppose a generic answer may apply. It did not touch me. It did not reach through the offal and bile to grasp hold that which could not feel brave and give any comfort. The loss was too big and too grave a thing. Even more now. I was not needed to ensure the continuation of the Tuchuk. There were generations happening without me. Was one tiny thread so important to the whole? No .. we live a life where death is all around and happening all the time and all the other threads compact and make up for the lost ones. I had no doubt of that .. that my thread ... my legacy was mine and I knew the Tribe did not depend on it. "Life" in general did not depend on it.

I had cradled my head in my hands .. I said something about not being brave ... I do not remember what I mumbled. She asked me about it though ... and I had to concentrate on what I had said and what I meant ... just to attempt to make it more clear to her. She asked me if I was unsure if I wanted a legacy .. or if I was not sure about being brave enough to have one. I told her .. "I have never wanted anything more than my own legacy." But then I had to recant that. I had to tell her the truth.

"That is not exactly true .. there is one thing that I have wanted .. and it was the strongest thing I have ever tasted .. the most driving and all consuming thing I have ever felt the need for...." I wandered off and must have gotten lost in my own thoughts because she startled me when she asked me if I wanted to tell her what that was. My answer was simple .. "Revenge." But confession is not good for my soul .. it makes me feel vulnerable and exposed ... I attempted to sweep the subject aside by returning to the point ... "Legacy .. my own is very ... very important to me."

But she wished to know more about this vengeance. She asked me if I felt close to it .. I told her always. She asked me if I felt like there was something left to avenge .. I told her ... always. She asked me if it was like the stubborn part .. the thing that always helped me get things done despite other variables that attempted to interrupt. I told her .. no. It was the opposite. I even leaned towards her as I spoke .. I wanted her to understand this part ... this integral part of me. "Revenge is the strongest most compelling thing I have ever felt and it is not rational. It is not logical. It eats everything alive and taints it .. but I must love it and admire it for its strength. For what it can accomplish through me. In my dreams ... love is like that."

"I do not think I will ever understand something like love.. not fully. It seems so.. .. so ungraspable.. at least its full concept. It seems like a stream to me."

I .. myself ... could not believe that. I told her .. "I believe it is as powerful and impacting and unstoppable. And I believe I can know it .. as well as I know the other." I had dipped my hand into the most powerful force I knew of .. I had reined it .. used it. I had held that strength and purpose in my fist and I believed that I could with love as well.

At least .. that I had the capability.

Not so sure .. if I will have the opportunity.

Carved Memories

I was resting in my newest favored place to sit .. the steps on one of the supply wagons. The shade of it a welcome change from the burn of the Central Fire on my shoulders the entire morning. An empty wood cup held in my fingers .. the contour contemplated as it rested beneath where my thumbs came together. My thoughts somewhere with the Love Wars .. but I was still having trouble nailing down what exactly was gnawing at my heels about it. The headache was still there .. pressure mostly behind my right eye. It felt bloated and juicy. I knew I did not look different .. but it felt like my right eye was twice as big as my left and nearly ready to fall into my palm .. unable to be contained any longer by such a pathetically small socket. Something happened in the last dream walk. Something that still is with me. I keep wiping at my nose with my thumb .. but there is nothing there. Fortunately no one seems to have noticed the habit.

Mezoo came and sat next to me .. she gave me a gift .. of a sheath. It was very well made and a beautiful piece. I thanked her .. but there seemed to be more and she unwrapped her shawl to show me a blade with a carved handle .. she presented it to me as she explained it was Pacu's ... and he had been carving memories on it. Adventures and events .. as I took the weapon in my hands I could recognize many of them just at first glance .. others I had to examine closer before they triggered my remembrance of days gone by with my best friend.

I think it had been hard for Mezoo to give that up to me. I know it would be hard for me to do so in her place .. something so personal of her father's. Especially now when she was making that step to connect with Ayguili and leaving her family to make her own with him. It was brave of her to do that .. for me. It meant a lot to me .. to have it now. It felt right .. before I was to face the challenges of the Love Wars. I will feel Pacu's absence. But it will be better .. for the memories that I will carry with me.

She told me that one day she would hear the song of Pacu and Trayu .. and for the men that went with them. I told her .. there are no songs of that event. Then I changed the subject. There are only two men who know the events of that hunt .. Serge and I. And my tongue is silent. I have no doubt that his will be also .. even unto his pyre. There are things a man just does not speak of ... things not meant for the light of day. Without a damn good reason .. I will not shine a light on them.

We spoke of Ayguili .. and his intentions. It was a subject I was more than willing to switch to. I told her he better speak to me soon. Seems they had made plans all on their own. I was a little disappointed he had not spoken to me first .. that I heard it from her after the fact. But it set the parameters for how I would act with the women in his care. It was an example of what he would expect from me .. and there were no rules broken. Just a better understanding of what he would expect .. or not expect ... from me in the same situation.

I pay attention to such things.

I was relieved she held enough respect for me to speak honestly with me about it. To let me know. I am more than pleased for them. They are a great example of how to do it right .. for me. I envy their certainty. Knowing what they want and finding it. I am not jealous in a negative way .. but I am jealous in that I want that for myself .. someday. Though in the mean time I will enjoy watching them. They touch me with their emotions and feelings for each other. It reminds me why I fight to preserve our way of life .. to establish and protect and lift the Tuchuk high on the plains. For to me this is courage and faith and honor.

She told me that I was getting better at being that father figure. I asked her what she meant by that .. she said I was getting better at being there .. not only making sure everyone had what they needed but for just being there like I was that day. Listening .. and speaking. What she said offended me a little. I did not wish to tarnish her compliment .. it was given freely and with no negative motive ... but I did tell her that perhaps ... perhaps it was that people were just getting better at recognizing those things in me.

I wish I could talk to someone about the way I feel. But there is no one. Cana is too tired and weighed down by her dreams .. dreams I have been working on and yet ... the task is slow. There is so much there to cloud and it is one of the hardest ones I have encountered yet. There are many forces involved. Many who wish their fingers in that particular series of events. Much depends on his success .. powers that wish for their own outcomes ... so many it is hard to sift through the motives for a clear picture. Cana seems so tired I wish I could do this thing faster. Ayguili has given her many responsibilities ... I will not muddy those waters with my own silt.

Pacu is gone .. and the few times I have attempted it with others .. the attempts have been deftly parried with a slick turn of wrist and the conversation turned towards other things. Things that person wished to speak of .. things that were important to them. Whether or not they heard my weak attempts to speak of something within me .. I do not know. Whether or not it was a conscious move on their part not to hear it .. I do not know. I make no judgements on their motives .. only that I can not seem to find a way to speak to anyone about these thoughts.

I tried though .. this same day as Cana joined Mezoo and I near the fires. But neither woman wished to hear it. At all. Both of them told me simply to return safely. Dropping anything further. I respected it .. I know why ... but it does not make it easier to come to either one of them with these things that plague me so often. My thoughts were shoved far under the simple thoughts needed for polite conversation.

Silken joined us .. shoved in to sit next to me on the steps and elbowed me into reining in my lounge. I was surprised. I did not expect to see her for a while .. and seeing her I certainly did not expect her to approach me. There was no personal conversation .. there were others present and the idle words shared between many ... just good company. I kept padding the side of my nose .. even pinched the bridge of it and tried to blink away the feeling. But it did no good .. I finally got irritated with it enough to drive me away from people ... feeling that people were watching me even though they obviously were not.

The paranoia itself was enough to drive me into some solitude.

Inevitable Frustration

And I thought that was going to be the most confusing part of my day. It was not until later that I realized I had been gesturing to the Sky with my copper lance again ... and I had not even known it. What fun is that? To taunt the Sky when you are not even aware you are? Seems like a waste of good irreverence to me.

When I returned to the Fires and crouched near the fire itself ... Silken informed me she was there and not going anywhere. That she would stick it out. I told her we would see .. I had lost what little faith I might have had in her. She would have to do a lot of work to regain it. I doubted she would .. I have not seen her work on anything that hard. She would rather give up and complain about how unfair her path is .. instead of just walking it. Instead of avoiding making her own potholes in it.

I complain enough myself about women .. but at least I know I am the one not tracking them down. I know I am not trying. I am far too comfortable in my apathy and loneliness to work at changing it. Sometimes I .. wish ... I could. Sometimes I want to feel that .. urge ... to find someone and know that is the person I want to find. I envy that .. I want it for myself. I loathe people who actually know who they want and why and "feel" it and do nothing about it. I hate them for their waste .. how could they throw such a gift away? What do I have to do to deserve that kind of knowledge? That kind of surety? How do I replace that missing part of me so that .. I can feel ... want ... desire .... and know exactly what it is? Sky give me some direction and I would hunt it down .. put all my problem solving efforts into it achieving that goal ... seek and find.

fucking women

So .. Silken decided that if I wanted to know her .. she would tell me a few things ... show me a few things. And she did. I had not asked for that .. I had not asked her to show me such things at the Main Fires ... I would rather she had not. But I do understand what she was attempting to do .. I understand she was attempting to follow my advice. I do know a few more things about Silken now than I did before. Unfortunately .. Silken does not know much more about me than when she started. She does not know that exposing herself like that and expecting me to remain sexually objective .. and then expecting me to .. once the show is over ... think about her sexually again ... just fucks with my head. She does not know .. because she never asked me how I felt about it. And I will probably not see her again for several weeks.

figures

The night progressed .. as nights usually do. Sorrel did a drive by on her way to the stream .. came back to dress her hair ... at the Main Fires. As much as Kaeli and Sef and Sorrel proclaim that Sorrel is not a dweller because she was with Tuchuk at the city during her time away .... she certainly lacks the knowledge of any Tuchuk ways. Both Tarra and I gently warned her about it .. giving her a chance to learn ... as we would with any dweller given the chance to earn First Fires. But .. she has a lot to learn .... obviously. Walking around with your hair down is flagging yourself with enough sexuality that someone might just .. fuck you. Unless you have one hell of a big guy backing you up with his preferences ... and his preferences better carry some serious weight. Not only was her hair down .. but she was combing it ... at the .... fire. Does she not know what that is to a guy who never sees a Free Woman's hair loose unless it is his mate? Does she not know she might as well just hike her skirt up and bend over and ask politely to be fucked... gang raped by every guy present? Is that what Sorrel wants? Really? Someone needs to talk to Kaeli. Soon.

But the night kept .. progressing.

The talk most prevalent at the Fires was the markets. The Arian and Turian merchants ... the trade between Tribes. It is the backbone of our existence .. the goods we can not produce that we need. Trade is like fresh meat ... it feeds and ensures our continued existence. It is a good thing. Not a bad one. I am surprised there are so few of the First Fires who find any liking for it at all.

Then .. "Fonce?"

"Yes Asria?"

"You haven't forgotten the things I told you?"

I had one of those .. "on the spot" ... moments. Had I forgotten something specifically important? What the hell .. cover for yourself Fonce .. "I do not believe I have."

"Good." She smiled.

Whew .. slid through that one without any obvious wounds. Good job Fonce. Nice save.

"Because I have not wavered Fonce. I am just being quietly patient."

huh?

This is one of those times the Danger sign was for me .. but not being an observant Tuchuk I was lulled into a false sense of security by the general conversation we had all be involved with only moments before. I waded out further into the seemingly shallow pool.

"Patient? For what?"

"Well, for.. you."

"For me ... to what?" I did not even notice how deep it was getting.

Cana .. "What has he done now?" No shit .. what she said .... what the hell did I do? Or did not do that I was supposed to do but .. somehow had no idea I was supposed to be doing it ... was this one of those guardian things?

Fuck

Now .. there came this short discussion throughout the group as to whether I had actually done something .. or whether it was more that I had not done something ... various opinions ... most of them rather valid.. kudos to them. I stared at Asria rather expectantly ... better to know what it was than to live in conjecture.

Suddenly I had an idea .. well the last time we had actually spoken much she was trying to get me to feel the obligation of being there for the birth of the baby ... I figured I had it nailed at this point and I asked her .. "Is this about the baby?" Rather proud of myself for figuring it out before she had to explain it. Good job Fonce.

"No, not about the baby."

fuck

"Can we talk about it privately though?"

I answered .. "I .. suppose ... why did you bring it up here if you did... never mind."

fuck

I told her that sure we could talk about it. Whatever "it" was. She reiterated .. "Not here though." Got that.

About that time Silken took off in a big hurry.

figures

I stepped aside with Asria. The night kept .. progressing.

"I am sorry, Fonce, to drag you away."

"Why?"

"It feels selfish, like I am taking you from where you wish to be and those who wish to be around you."

huh

"I am your guardian .. you have every right to speak to me privately."

"I know, but that doesn't make it any less selfish. How is your shoulder, by the way?"

"It is all right."

"Do you need anything?"

"What .. was it you wished to speak to me of Asria?" But I did add .. there was nothing I could think of at the moment she could do for me.

"I am a little embarrassed I brought it up with everyone there, I assumed you would know what I meant and we wouldn't have to have a whole conversation about it. But maybe this is better anyway. I just wanted to remind you that... my feelings..for you, have not changed and I wanted to be sure you were still giving it the thought and time... time to think about it."

"And you are waiting for me to what .. exactly. Think?"

Was I supposed to make up my mind .. all by myself? Without her? Was I supposed to get to know her ... without her? Was she supposed to get to know me ... without me? Was this all supposed to happen ... by just waiting for it to happen?

I do not ... get it.

"... yes"

"I do not know you Asria .. that is what will take time ... I have never thought of you ... like that. I know nothing about you .. in a personal way. You do not know me.

She asked me if I wanted to get to know her .. I told her I wanted to get to know a lot of people. But there is no woman I am pursuing right now. There is no woman that has that kind of focus from me .. yet.

She asked me if I thought less of her because she had gotten these feelings for me so easily .. without getting to know me as well as I thought she should. I told her .. Less? no but that I had very little faith in it. Those words. I told her I did not believe her .. I had no basis for that kind of belief in her ... or anyone else for that matter.

She asked me if I had no belief in her .. I told her I did not think she was a liar. I figured she believed the words she was saying. She asked me if I thought she was confused .. if I thought she did not know the weight of what she was saying or the choices she was trying to make.

I reminded her once more .. it was her words I had no faith in. No belief in. Her words. Those words. They meant nothing to me. I told her I had no idea whether or not she was basing her words ... her feelings ... on anything valid or not. I had knowledge of the words .. very little knowledge of the speaker of them.

"You could ask me those things, if you wanted to know. You could ask me anything you wanted. Do you know that? I.. want you to ask me things, Fonce. I really want you too."

Well sure I could. Just like I could pursue Silken like a sleen on a heat scent. But I do not. I could do a lot of things .. why do they expect me to? I have no inclination to. I have no faith .. to. I have no belief in them. I have no belief in myself. Not when it comes to relationships. Do they not get it that I never tell them I want to know everything about them? Do they not listen when I tell them if they feel that way ... get to know me? There is a damn good reason I put it that way. Because if they want something .. they are going to have to do something about it. They are going to have to get up off their ass and find me .. and go to the trouble to get to know me. Because there is not a hort's worth of assurance on my part they really want to. And most of them do nothing but prove me right. I have no faith they will like what they get to know. And most of them do nothing but prove me right. So why would I think anything else? Why would I follow Silken around like a lost sleen pup? Why would I seek Asria out and ask her all the questions about her she wishes me to? Why do they expect me to when I go out of my way to tell them ... I will not?

I just .. do not get it.

She squinted at me .. and asked me "Are you trying to brush me off?"

Well that did it. After all my patience. All my control. All my attempts to help her as much as I could ... all the things I have given her ... all the work I have done for her and Lei... and she could actually form her self destructive little tongue around those words? And once forming them .. hand them to me and expect to survive? If I needed any more proof she did not know jack shit about me .. there it was. Delivered with a little pink bow.

Anger flamed in my gaze .. I actually rocked off the wheel .. I was going to hit her. I have no idea what reined it in at the last moment. Perhaps it was because she was pregnant. I do not know .. but I did. Thank the Sky I did not cross that line ... I turned and walked away and told her I would be at the Fires ... I needed people around me ... people to keep me from losing what little control I was holding against my temper.

And the night kept ... progressing.

Reluctant to actually join the others until I got some kind of serious control on my temper I hung out by the supply wagon .. finally finding a seat on the steps ... keeping mostly to myself. For everyone's protection. Cana brought me some food .. touched my arm. It was a sharp contrast .. cool to heat. I did not express my appreciation very well. I will try to make up for that when I can.

The conversations went on around me .. until Sorrel said I was wise ... like a grandparent. Tarra echoed my silent thoughts by commenting on how she must have been dropped on her head as a child. Though Tarra found the entire thing a lot more funny than she needed to.

I told them I would have to experiment with this grandfatherly thing and see how far it got me. Sorrel never got the sexual innuendo .. which probably means she actually sees me as a grandfather. She is really not that much younger than I am. She can be so weird sometimes.

It was after that the conversation just went all to hell. Not one redeeming thing about it .. not one. It was the kind of conversation everyone spirals into after a lot of stress and a long fucking day. And we were all a little punch drunk with it.

My head began to make it very clear it was not happy with me. I broke away from the group for a while .. I wanted the day to end ... but like a sick kanda junkie I kept thinking that if I just hung on a little while longer something would happen that would make it all seem like it made sense. I would know exactly how to deal with Silken .. exactly what she needed. I would know exactly how to deal with Asria .. have the answers for her she seemed so desperate for from me. I wish I just knew .. what to say. Instead I am kept impotent with my own limited understandings and inevitable misunderstandings and I must simply rage at both of them .. to listen ... without having the words that make sense that .... gives them a reason to listen. All of it was just .. hopeless. Or at least it felt like it at that point.

When I returned .. it was to meet Tarra's brother .. Larl. I have heard of him but never met him before. Sorrel and Seveya returned from target practice with Karvek. By this time I was rather sure the pressure in my head was going to find an outlet through my eye sockets .. despite my eyes.

Sorrel came to me and asked me if she could speak to me .. she called me ... "warrior". It was odd .. her sudden formality .. especially after watching her do her hair. I told her .. "Of course."

Then she started to walk away .. clue in Fonce ... I asked her if she meant.... privately?

The conversation with Sorrel was the most confusing thing that happened to me that entire day. And that .. is saying ... a lot.

She was afraid. She was nervous that someone from the Kataii Tribe would notice her and recognize her. I told her we were under a truce. No one would break the sanctity of the Love Wars .. not for something so trivial as her or her brother. Their own people would string them between four unbroken kaiila.

She said she was still afraid that someone would recognize her and then "know" where to find her later. Had she not been a tiny child when she left the Kataii to go to the City?

I tried to remind her that her fear was an insult to us as a group. Was she not a prospect to the First Fires? Was she not under the protection of her own family and the Ubar as well? She said she did not fear the Tuchuk.

Try again Fonce.

I told her .. that what I meant was that she should trust us to protect her.. and to assume she was in any danger was an insult to us.

She apologized. She said that was not her intent. She said that after the wars she would not trust the Kataii. I told her good .. sounded wise to me.

She said she felt odd. Like two parts of her were warring with each other. I told her that was natural .. but since she had no knowledge or experience with the Kataii .. and she was here with the Tuchuk ... it was time for her to get serious about earning her place here with the Tuchuk ... her chosen people.

She said that is what she wanted more than anything. I told her to show her arrogance .. her pride and honor .... instead of her fear.

She said thank you .. she said she would hug me but it would not be proper. I had to stare at her .. she will show me how she dresses her hair but not hug me? But I let it go .. I had this nagging sensation that asking for the meaning of that would just lead to a much more intense pain in my head.

And the day kept .. progressing.

So we headed back to the main fire .. I dropped myself on the supply wagon steps and held my head. Seveya had come over to sit beside me at some point. I had not missed the distance she had given me the entire night .. until then. I probably gave her an odd glance .. do not remember though.

Larl asked me if she was my woman. I thought he meant Red .. the slave at my feet. Never dawned on me he meant Seveya .. just because she sat next to me. What an odd fellow Larl is ... perhaps he is related to Seveya who thinks it is improper to hug.

I told him no .. with a chuckle. Seveya blushed as red as a Courage scar. Then piped up that no .. she was not ... I was building her a ladder though. That amused the hell out of me and successfully confused Larl.

Either Larl is a moron or he was trying to embarrass Seveya on purpose for some reason I am unaware of .. either way ... he deserved what he got.

So he stopped trying to get a rise out of Seveya and started to talk to Mezoo .. only Sorrel misunderstood and thought he was speaking to her. He informed her in no uncertain terms otherwise. So she apologized to him for misunderstanding. He told her when he spoke to her he would look at her.

Grumpy warrior.

So she apologized again. Looking to me .. I assume because she wanted to know if she was acting appropriately considering she had been reined in a couple of times that night at the Fires all ready.

He asked her why she was apologizing. She replied for speaking to him without being spoken to .. referring to the fact he just ripped her head off for the misunderstanding and was at that point threatening to piss down her open esophagus.

So instead of realizing he just scared the shit out of her .. he asked her if she was a slave ... because he had never seen a woman apologize before for speaking. Probably because people do not usually rip their heads of for it around here. But then .. that could just be my opinion. For whatever reason Larl was looking for a fight and he was picking on the youngest of the women there. Mezoo tried to step in .. to explain to him that as a prospect Sorrel was just trying to be polite. I did not defend her .. I wanted to see what she would do after our little talk.

So Larl brought up the dweller thing. Figures. we were about to see how Sorrel was going to handle that sore subject. At this point I would have saluted her for jumping up and sinking a quiva blade through his eye socket. That was probably some projection of my own considering the cephalic pain I was suffering. And I know it was not very realistic .. not sure Sorrel has the upper body strength to get that blade deep enough into his skull to satisfy me .. but the thought was amusing to me at the time.

To distract myself from the macabre scene before me I asked Seveya what brought her over to my side of the steps. I was actually curious .. why she had all but ignored me the entire evening but .. had come over at this point. I wanted to know .. why the change ... I wanted to ... understand it. This was an important point for me. I needed .. to understand it.

She said she had come for sanity. The poor woman .. she had no idea what she just said. She had no idea what internal hysterical giggling that caused. I was an insane man ... I had eaten up sanity like a black hole of insatiable thirst. This was the last place she should look for it ... and I told her so. "Good Sky .. there is a black hole over here sucking all sanity out of the world as we know it. This is the last place you should be looking for that."

She gave me the oddest look. So I asked her what it meant .. her look. Fuck at this point in the evening I was hell bent on a masochistic free fall. Why not? She said I was starting to sound like Yamka.

huh

That is what I got for asking. Should have known. Gesture at the Sky with that copper lance in the middle of a storm and you just might get zotted.

ZOT

Sorrel and Larl chose this time to get into it and Sorrel went off on Larl and told him .. "I am Tuchuk and any who darest o challenge my place here can meet me with it." I am not sure exactly what that meant but .. I figured I better pay attention or Sorrel was going to actually try to kill Larl .. which as amusing as that would be I probably would have to step in because Sorrel was Ayguili's responsibility and I actually would "lend a Brother a hand". And if it was possible to hold off Larl while I was laughing so hard .. I would do that for the Ubar ... I was that kind of a guy.

So I stepped in and told Larl .. who was acting wounded and snobbish in retaliation to Sorrel's challenge that .. her reaction was probably due to a little sore spot over the dweller subject. So what does Larl do? Stomps around in the wound .. of course. I reminded Larl that he should understand. I reminded him he should understand due to his own family's struggle with such. It was a gentle reminder. Not sure why I was so inclined.

Larl kept making his comments and Sorrel started snapping again and Larl threatened to take her tongue. Not sure why he accuses her of acting like a slave when he treats her like one with his threats. First for being too polite to him and then for standing up for herself. Unfortunately his baiting was working and Sorrel was getting all wound up and at this point ... I could see Sorrel jumping over and with super Free Woman strength sinking the quiva deep into Larl's skull .. BUT at the last moment before the steel met gray matter ... Larl would shove his own blade up through Sorrel's ribcage and sever her heart from any further impulse from her brain and both of them would fall into each other's arms and bleed out on the furs.

Or at least .. that is what I would have enjoyed watching. Instead I just sat there on the steps wondering my head was hurting so bad and at the same time ... knowing exactly why it was.

Somewhere in there people went their separate ways. I asked Seveya if she was at this point .. going to explain the Yamka comment. She explained it was the downplay of my own sanity .. just like Yamka downplayed herself.

huh

I asked her if she .. actually thought so. She told me that she did not believe my sanity was compromised.

Naive little thing.

Though as Sorrel parked herself in front of me again .. Seveya did add that she might give me that it was at least ... tested.

Sorrel told me she was very sorry for losing her temper. I asked her .. if that was her losing her temper? She answered that it was .. a bit ... and then told me to chain her to the wagon until her father returned because she messed up and should be punished.

huh?

Good Sky. Was it impossible for me as a man to decide when I wanted to punish someone and when I did not? Was I a puppet to be jerked around and told what to do and when? Where in the fuck was that fire she had when she was speaking to Larl? Did I have to piss her off first? I did not have the energy.

I told her she owed no one an apology. She asked me how could she not? Because she was so rude. I almost called her a dweller myself .. instead I tried to explain to her she better toughen up her little sensitivity or she was about to get walked all over. That people around here had flares of temper and fire all the time and she better get used to it. That I had more respect for the snapping bitchy Sorrel than I did for the whining belly crawling whipped sleen one. So she told me how sorry she was for not being more spirited.

Long slow .. exhale. Tell me the night is almost over .. lie to me ... please.

Then she decided to explain by telling me she enjoyed the Tuchuk but sometimes it got to her .. that her skin was darker than anyone else's. I started trying to rub my scars off my face.

Seveya tried to reason with her .. I asked her if she was going to look down on people like Falon or Tarra because of their blood ... she was shocked and said never. But I reminded her that her words could be taken as such and she better shut the fuck up and stop whining about her differences and put that energy into being as good a Tuchuk as she could be.

fuck

So she changed the subject .. went off on how she had been robbed because the Kataii men had killed her father and stolen from her the chance to know him. I agreed .. they had. Bastards. Then she went off about how she was going to hunt them down and get revenge. I told her I would personally bury her if she even thought about starting shit with the Kataii. And I meant it.

She asked me if it was so wrong to try to get to know him. I said who .. she said her father. I told her to ask her mother ...because her father was dead. She was never going to get to know him. Ever.

I think Seveya realized how close I was to snatching Sorrel's liver out through her nostril. She spoke quietly to Sorrel and suggested she let me have some peace .. it had been a long day.

Fucking Seveya had no idea. Sky bless her for her words though. She saved Sorrel's life. Sorrel should be grateful. Did Seveya finally realize and understand my comments about sanity? Could it be? I must have been scowling at her for she asked me about my expression. It made me chuckle and I told her to ask me .. another day. A different day than today. Any day but today .. if this actually was still today.

So Sorrel decided to talk to Seveya .. about things. Woman things.

I lost it. I had to .. I mean ... it was inevitable. It was going to happen sooner or later. I had held out a long time. Longer than usual. It was at that point I decided that the day ..

should not progress any further at all.