New Position of Frustration

There is a certain feeling a man gets. He gets it right before a battle. When a series of choices and events beyond his control have led him to that moment. When the big words and the fine speeches .. the fame glory and honor seem to pale in the very real light of steel. When you no longer rely on your numbers or you strengths because though these things help .. and may decide whether one side wins or another loses ... you know at that moment that you may not be alive on the other end and numbers and strength will not prevent your own death. You may die bravely after gutting a few of your enemy or you may die because your kaiila steps in a sleen hole and you run yourself through on your own blade.

It happens.

It is that moment that you feel the emptiness in your gut. That sucking feeling as you are emptied of all but the reality that you are there and there is no turning back. By the look in your enemies eyes they know it too. There is going to be blood. A lot of blood. Some of it yours. That breath ... before the battle cry is sounded. Before the adrenaline kicks in and the will to survive. That still small moment when you know for a fact that things have conspired out of your control and the outcome is no longer in your hands. You just do .. you do what you are trained to do ... you do what you know works .. and at the end if you are lucky you look around and count the living because the dead just do not care any more.

I had a feeling .. similar to that. Brought up face to face with one statement. "I am Ubar."

As redundant as the statement may seem .. it was not for redundancy's sake that it was given to me. It was given instead of an explanation. It was given because the Ubar does not need to explain a damn thing. Even when you really wish he could .. or would.

Now .. in retrospect I do not know if I had spoken unwittingly in some kind of authority. I had not meant to. I have authority as a man .. as a Tuchuk Warrior .. as a Commander ... but I have no desire to tell the Ubar how to do things any more than I wish to be the Ubar myself. I do not. Plain and simple. I have spoken the same way with other Ubar .. as a man expresses himself to a leader. But it is clear that a leader does not have to speak to his men .. it is not written anywhere that an Ubar must have that conversation.

I am reminded of such things.

And though I may say .. "Ubar .. that is a dangerous ridge to charge for this and that reason should we not consider the loss we will sustain compared to what if anything we might gain?" It is still mine to take up my lance and charge the fucking hill when given the unarguable statement in return ...

"I am Ubar."