Babies

I miss her.

When I think about her it is like a great stone in my chest that makes it hard to breathe and the ache radiates out through my bones. Like the sweet edge of a blade when it flowers a crimson ribbon. And the more I am back the more I think about her. Little things .. here and there ... make me realize she is no longer where she was. A copper pot .. or a pair of black boots .. the wind through the tall grass ... or the chuckle of the stream as it jumps the stones.

I miss her smile. She always had one for me. She never let my temper get to her. If she did she hid it well. She stood up to me .. but with a softness and willingness to allow me to be the strong one that made it seem less like defiance and more like someone pulling through the shit at my side.

"Don't let them get to you Fonce of the Tuchuk."

And she had more reason to be mad at people than I ever did.

Sometimes I think it is my fate to be the Man of Stone. Can you destroy something so completely without becoming it a little? I wonder.

I wish I knew where she was. If she is alive ... if she is dead. But it seems I do not own the knowledge of her fate. It is not mine to know. It is only mine to miss her. It is all I am allowed. I wonder if she had these same thoughts of me. Did I miss her where I was? I can not imagine that I did not .. for it is so strong now.

I want to fill it .. this emptiness inside of me. Or I want to break open the hard shell that keeps that emptiness safe. Something .. anything.

Tonight I came to the First Fires looking for company. Familiar voices .. familiar faces. A need for comfort. Cana and Yamka were speaking together. Cana is always a pleasing sight for I know that I will speak to my friend .. Yamka I do not know well but I find no reason to avoid her yet. I got a bowl of stew .. the smell made my stomach tighten with anticipation. I was cold and hungry on the outside and lonely on the inside. The female chatter was pleasant for the most part .. until I realized what Yamka was saying about her father. Strict discipline is one thing .. but it is none of my business. Yamka speaks of her respect and love of her father. I will not interfere. Perhaps the technique works for him. Never did for me.

Others soon came .. gathering together within the circle of light cast by the fire. Renewing connections after the day of work. Some I knew .. many I did not. Mostly a comfort .. until I realized something.

Every single woman in Tribe is pregnant. Well .. not the entire Tribe. Seems like it. A lot of them. More than I know what to do with .. far far too many at one time at the main fires.

Surrounding me.

Did not take me long to map out escape routes.

Tonight they did not speak of body fluids associated with the affliction. I was thankful for that. But .. so much. So much talk of children and heirs. Wagers and good Tuchuk traditions. It became too painful. All I could think of were the children in her eyes. The ones I made a mess of trying to save. The ones I wanted more than I could stand. The ones I nearly held within my grasp .. so close.

Tonight it just hurt too much to stay.

I needed sleep but I knew I would not get any. I would stare at the top of my wagon and see her face .. her hair ... her eyes. So I saddled Kai and me and the old bastard kaiila found comfort in each other and the simple yet fulfilling task of riding the herd at night. Something I have always done alone .. something I like to do alone ... something I know how to do alone.